"You're an idiot you know that right," Finneas points out.
"Is it really that bad?"
"The love of your life asked you to spend the night after telling you some deep shit and you still left. I would say that's pretty bad."
I groan. "Fuck me."
Finneas was the only person I thought could help me in this situation because he's a hopeless romantic. I got freaked out last night and not because Alissa has a kid, but because I felt insecure. Now I'm sitting at home feeling like an asshole.
"Last night was the perfect opportunity to show her how much you want to be there for her and you blew it dude."
"So what do I do now? You think she'll even talk to me?"
"Well you do have to see her at that meeting. Feel her out then and go from there. You just need to be honest about why you left."
I decide to take his advice and just be honest with her. When I show up for the meeting I'm told she isn't in today and we proceed without her. The entire time I'm checking the phone impatiently waiting for the meeting to end. Once it's over I quickly excuse myself and head to Alissa's place. I pick up some flowers along the way and a bear for Mila.
Standing in front of her door, I take a deep breath before knocking repeatedly.
"Who is it," she calls out.
"Billie," I say nervously. The sound of the locks fill my ears as she unlocks each one. The door swings open and she glares at me.
"Can we talk for a minute?"
"Sure," she steps aside allowing me to come in. Mila is sitting on the couch watching Frozen.
"What's going on Billie?"
"Well first, these are for you," I hand the flowers to her and she sits them on the counter, clearly unimpressed.
"Second. I'm sorry Alissa. I shouldn't have left last night. I just got a little freaked out."
"I figured. A kid is a big deal."
I shake my head. "It wasn't because of that. Hearing you talk about all that stuff made me feel insecure. The love of my life was telling me how much she loved someone else and you got a perfect little girl out of that love and commitment. It made me realize how much I actually wanted all of that with you and I fucked it up."
Her eyes turn sad. "I wanted that too. Billie I was madly in love with you. I know it doesn't mean much now, but I really did want to marry you," she says. Hearing her say all this in past tense sucks, but I know things are different now.
"Let's just focus on being friends instead of harping on the past. At least we are back in each other's lives," she smiles.
"I think I can do that."
"Are you hungry," she changes the subject. "I ordered some pasta from this restaurant close by. We can share it."
"No that's ok. You eat," I protest.
"Shut up," she laughs. "I'll split it up if you take these chicken nugget to Mila."
I do as I'm told and take the little pink plate to Mila who's waiting patiently on the couch. "How about we sit on the floor and eat so we don't get ketchup on the couch?"
She smiles and I help her off the couch while I put the plate on the coffee table. Her little hand goes straight for the ketchup and she licks it off her fingers. I tear the nuggets into smaller pieces for her and watch her eat. She looks like a smaller version of Alissa with her caramel skin and curly hair. They have the same nose and eyes too.
Alissa brings me some pasta and joins me on the floor with Mila. I like this setting much more than celebrity dinners and loud parties.
"I'm sorry I missed the meeting today. I wanted to spend one more day with Mila after the whole choking incident. I hope my team was prepared."
"It went great actually. I only made a few changes so we should be wrapping all this up soon. You all have done an amazing job."
"Thank you," she smiles and takes a bite of her food.
"So what was it like being pregnant?"
"Oh god it was awful," she laughs. "I don't know if I'll ever do that again."
"Not even for me," I ask and she blushes. "I'm joking. I just wanted to see your reaction."
"You asshole."
"Hey don't use that language in front of the child," I laugh.
We spend the rest of the day just hanging out and watching cartoons with Mila. Alissa thinks she's obsessed with me because she says my name every five minutes. She even cries when I get ready to leave which I find very cute. I invite them to my place for a get together I'm having this weekend. I figure it's been over a month since Alissa and I started hanging out again so I might as well start bringing her around.
"This get together is outside so wear the sandals," Josie says while I try on shoes for the hundredth time.
Billie told me to bring my friends along so I wouldn't feel out of place and we decided to all ride together.
"Are you sure I look ok?"
"Yes," they all groan clearly tired of my outfit changes.
After I settle on the perfect shoe, we load up in the car and head to Billie's house. The gps takes us to a secluded area and we drive up to a gate where we're buzzed in. Expensive cars line the long driveway leading up to what looks like a mini mansion. We pick a spot to park and I'm instantly grateful I ditched the heels. When we reach the front someone takes us around back to the huge backyard that has been beautifully decorated. Mila notices all the people and clings to me tightly as I hold her on my hip.
"It's ok baby. It's just a party," I tell her.
"Don't look now but Billie is coming," Jasmine mumbles to the group.
"Hi ladies," Billie says with a smile when she reaches us. We all greet her with various hellos but Mila perks up completely.
"B," she practically yells and reaches out for her. Billie takes her from me and tickles her making her laugh.
"You look so pretty Mila," she gushes. Mila gets shy again and buries her face in Billie's neck.
My friends all smirk at me and I roll my eyes. "This is cute and all, but where is the alcohol," Bianca chimes in.
Billie tells them where to find everything and of course they leave us alone. I shift awkwardly and glance around the yard. "You look nice. I like that color on you," she compliments me.
"Thanks. You look nice too."
She opens her mouth to say something else but her mom walks up smiling from ear to ear. "Alissa honey it's been so long," she hugs me tightly. "You look amazing."
"Thank you Helen. It's good to see you," I smile.
"And who is this doll," she asks turning her attention to Mila who's still in Billie's arms.
"That's my daughter Mila. She's one."
"Oh Alissa she's absolutely gorgeous," she squeals. "Come to grandma."
"Mom. Chill," Billie groans as Helen takes Mila away.
"Oh I'm only saying that cause I'm old. All old women are grandmas," she tries to clarify but Billie is clearly embarrassed.
Helen looks down at my hand and smiles. "I didn't know you were engaged. Congrats honey."
"Oh I um thank you," I stammer.
"Do you mind if I show her off?"
"No please go ahead," I smile and she takes Mila over to a group of people.
"I'm sorry about that," Billie apologizes. "I didn't think she would be so excited."
"It's no biggie," I reassure her as I try to get my engagement ring off.
She grabs my hand to stop me and sighs. "Don't."
"But I-"
"It's ok. I know what it means to you and we're just friends remember? It will at least keep people from assuming anything more."
She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. I feel bad and I want to comfort her, but I'm not sure what to say. She breaks our eye contact and looks around until she finds who she's looking for. "Come on. Let's go talk to Finn."
I follow her over to him and we are equally happy to see each other. We reconnect and catch up while Billie slips away to talk to some people. He tells me all about his fiancé Claudia and how they are getting married soon. We reminisce on some old things and then I excuse myself to go find my friends.
"What did she say to you," Jasmine asks Josie. They don't know I'm behind them so I eavesdrop on their conversation.
"She just apologized for letting our friendship fade and she said that she and Alissa are just friends. She also said Alissa is the one that got away."
"I can tell she's still in love with her and she's already won Mila over," Jasmine says.
"Do you think they could actually have it right this time," Josie asks. "I don't want her getting hurt again."
"Hey guys," I say cutting them off. I feel uncomfortable hearing them talk this way.
"Hey girl," Josie says with a smile. "Where is Mila?"
"She's around here somewhere with Billie's mom. I think she wants to keep her," I laugh.
"That's so sweet. I bet it makes her happy," Jasmine smirks.
"So was it awkward around Billie?"
"No not really. We weren't together very long before she had to go talk to some people. Are you guys ready to go?"
"Actually we were thinking you should hang out some. I'm sure Billie would like for you to stay a little longer," Josie says.
"Um ok. I guess I'll see if she can bring Mila and I home later."
"Or don't. It's up to you," Bianca smirks.
"Why are you guys being weird?"
"We just want you to have a good time. You should go find Billie. We'll call you tomorrow," Jasmine pushes me away and I stumble a little. They wave goodbye to me and I just shrug it off.
The party lasts another hour or so before people start to leave. I find Billie near the bar drinking a soda. "So my friends ditched me. Do you think you could give us a ride?"
Billie laughs. "Sure, but I would much rather have you spend the night. I fucked up my first sleep over opportunity so we could make it up now if that's cool."
I giggle. "Ok sure. I'll go find Mila before your mom leaves with her."
The party clears out and I remain outside watching the cleaners take everything from the backyard while Alissa puts Mila down for a nap. Once everything is done I shoot my assistant a text to make sure everyone who helped with the party gets their final payment.
I come inside to find Alissa looking around the kitchen. "Can I help you find something?"
"Nope just looking," she smiles. "This house is huge. What if I can't hear Mila crying when she wakes up?"
"I got it covered," I pull out my phone and show her the live feed from the camera in that room. "It has sound and everything."
"That's cool and creepy at the same time," she laughs. "So what did you do with all that extra food?"
"Well beautiful, some of it is in the fridge because I knew your greedy ass would eventually get hungry. The rest is going to a homeless shelter."
"That's sweet of you. I'm sure they'll be grateful to have a nice meal tonight," she smiles, her next question already forming. "What's with the girly clothes in your room?"
"What's with all the questions," I retort.
She just shrugs awaiting my reply.
"I had a girlfriend. That's some of the stuff she kept over here."
"Oh. I didn't even ask you about that. When did you break up?"
"The day after I saw you at our first meeting. I knew I wanted to pursue you so I broke it off with her. I'm not trying to cheat on anymore women," I answer truthfully.
"Wow. How did she take it?"
"She handled it ok. We had only been together for like two months."
My sudden honesty apparently killed of her questions because she gets quiet. I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us. I'm trying to be as transparent as possible.
"What's your favorite part of this house," she finally speaks. I take her hand and lead her downstairs to my home studio. I show her around and she plays with stuff like a kid.
"Did you record your new album here?"
"Yep. We spent a lot of time in this place. That's why I wanted it built so I wouldn't have to leave home."
Her short sundress rises when she leans over to mess with random buttons. I look away not wanting to be tempted by something I can't have.
"Are you sad that you broke up with your girlfriend for me," she asks randomly.
"No," I take a seat on the leather couch behind her still watching her fiddle with things. "I want to dedicate time to nurturing this friendship the way I should have nurtured our relationship. You and Mila are important to me."
She turns around and faces me. "Yeah but don't you want to get married and stuff?"
"I don't know. Maybe that's not for me. Plus I'm only 25, I have time," I smirk.
She nods. "You're good with Mila so I know you'll make a good mom."
"Thanks," I whisper and she looks like she's deep in thought. "What's on your mind shorty?"
"Did you fuck Gia during all those late nights you spent at the studio?"
I lean my head back against the couch, letting out a frustrated sigh. "I thought we weren't talking about the past anymore? Are you sure you want to get into this?"
She doesn't say anything so I take that as a yes and answer her question. "A few times, yes."
Her head pops up and her eyes look glossy. I instantly regret saying anything. "I saw you and her on the yacht that time. I was looking for the bathroom when I overheard you two talking."
My mind goes back to that moment making my heart ache. I was so reckless back then that I never considered being caught, especially not by Alissa.
"Alissa I'm-"
"Sorry... I know," she finishes my statement. "All the times you cheated hurt me, but that was the worst. I saw the necklace with the letter B on it. I know you bought us the same dress. You even let her live in our house," she recounts. "Did you love her?"
I don't really know how to answer her question. I loved how Gia made me feel. I loved how she did whatever I wanted and never asked questions. The sex was just a bonus. "Not the way I loved you."
She wipes her eyes and I quickly get up and go over to her. "Why did you have to find someone who looked like me and talked like me when you already had me? Why was I not good enough?"
I place my hands on her hips and she looks me straight in the eyes. "I don't know why. I was so caught up in needing to be able to do what I wanted and not be controlled. Everything I did to you was wrong especially that, and if I could take it back I would. I would give up everything to not have you feel this way."
She pulls my face close to hers and kisses me passionately. I kiss her back with just as much force as I grab the back of her thighs lifting her on to the desk. She wraps her legs around me pulling me closer while I kiss her neck. "Fuck me like you did to her," she moans.
That instantly kills my mood so I try to pull away, but she grips me tightly. "Please. I want you to show me," she begs.
I get out of her grasp and stare at her. "Lissa I'm not doing this with you,"
"Why? What does it matter?"
"I don't want to fuck you like you're someone else, especially someone I don't care about. I want to make love to you because we both want it," I insist.
We glare at each other and she sighs in defeat. "You're right. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just in my feelings."
I lean forward to kiss her forehead. "You want to be friends and I'm ok with that. We don't have to have sex and complicate things. I don't want to make it weird when you're not looking to be together."
My phone vibrates ending our discussion. It's an alert from the camera letting me know Mila is awake.
"B," her small voice comes through the speaker making us both laugh.
"Why is she calling for you and not me," Alissa pouts.
"Cause we're besties," I joke.
I help her down and we go back upstairs to check on her daughter. I let Alissa shower first so I can pull out the toys I recently bought for Mila. We open them all and play with them until Alissa comes back wearing one of my oversized shirts. Her straightened hair is in a messy bun on top of her head.
"You didn't watch me on that stupid camera do you," she teases when she comes in and joins us on the floor.
"I'm not a pervert," I laugh.
"Yeah right," she smiles.
We let Mila have her way for a little longer before Alissa gives her a bath and feeds her. I give them some space and go shower myself. I can hear Mila's giggles echo through the house while I'm getting dressed and it makes me think about Lissa's question about marriage. If I could I would marry her tomorrow and have them moved in all in the same day. Having a family with Alissa is something I would love. I feel myself tear up as realization sets in that I'm wanting more than she's trying to give me. How am I supposed to build a friendship with someone I want to be with? What if she meets someone and I have to stand by and let her be happy? I don't want to lose her again. I don't think I can handle it.