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- I FALL APART
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After the night of revelation from my Grandfather, I decided to deep breathe which means I stay away from everyone and focus on finishing all my school activities, projects, exams, all pending school issues before I graduate.
Neil and Eden never question my action which I'm thankful for it. Adam keeps sending messages asking if I'm alright and I'll just answer alright and never send a message or even answer his call. I am awfully confused, I love him for sure, but family is the reason for who I became today. I just need time maybe to heal myself before I confront him or tell him why.
The afternoon before the sunset, I decided to kill time by having my favorite coffee in my favorite coffee shop here in our town. Which from my view I am facing the lake which is surrounded by the nearest places and even the sun as it starts to fade and its orange-ray is almost fading? I was lost in my world until Neil and Eden arrived at my table holding their order and some students from the other school are filling the nearest table. I even recognize them as one of Adams's group of friends. Which makes me hurt for missing him and yet ignoring him.
"Hey, Olivia right? Adams friend from his old school." He acknowledges me first when he was about to follow his group
"Yep, what took you here? College doesn't hold you that much hu?" I asked giving him a wide smile for remembering me. after meeting him just once and I know Adam has been warning his friends that I'm off-limit.
"Nah just need a break from stuff so I decided to finish things from school as early as possible to have my early break yeah know." He told me and give a small shrug
"Well, it's nice to see you here I guess," I told him dismissing since Neil and Eden are giving me a nonstop glare
"Yeah right gotta go with my friends it's nice to talk to you by the way and please send my hello to your boyfriend." He gave me the biggest smile and I answer "Sure" before I sit on my original spot.
"You didn't even introduce us girl, and I feel like he's ogling you a lot tsk!" Eden retorted as soon as I turn
"duh! He was a friend of Adam, so yeah" I answered them dismissing the idea.
"Tsk! the rumors are still hot that you and Adam are been an item, which we already know but those gossipers are taking it by heart by every day they make their mission to keep it fresh." Eden retort in an annoyed face which makes me laugh
"I'm not even affected but seems like your more annoyed than I am?" I teased him
"I know your family told you to stay away from him it's obvious but we never voice out but seeing you keep your thoughts on your brain, you can talk to us even if we are boys we wouldn't mind," Neil told me in a confused look which makes me smile because he's trying to be like girls just to make me confess
"Look, I will be fine I appreciate it, besides I'm not just a random girl who will cry on the other side of the room or will complain because things didn't work my way," I told them assuring them I will be, and I hope I really will.
"Whatever, I told you it doesn't suit you Neil to be girls," Eden playfully smacks his shoulder and we all burst out laughing, but get all the people's attention from our noises.
I am going to miss these two minions of mine. I don't regret things about Eden, I guess I was happy we will end up still good friends. Unlike me and Adam. I'm not sure who will be us in the future.
After our sizzling time at the coffee shop I decided to go home and rest since I don't have any pending assignments, I would love to just watch my favorite Bollywood movie from Hritik Roshan. Yeah, I love sappy movies especially when I needed to cry out alone and pretended it was because of the movie. So I wouldn't look stupid crying and can't tell why.
As I was checking my phone when I heard the vibration from it, and yes it's ringing, and got a call from Adam. I was debating if I have to answer him to maybe just tell him something. I know I'm not being fair again. Keeping things from him and making him worry.
"Hello?" I ask in a serious tone.
"Hon, what's going on? You've been ignoring my calls?" he answered in a confused tone.
"I'm sorry, I'm just tiding things up for school, yeah know before the graduation," I explain sincerely
"I see, but if you have any problem please call me and please answer your phone if call you?" he sounds desperate on the other line, I know he was trying to fix our lost trust but still it will take time.
"I MISS YOU, and I love you." I know how to stop his crazy thinking right now.
I heard a long sigh on the other line "You don't know how much I want to see you for missing you when I'm not with you and you know how much I love you, Olivia I know it will take time for us to take things the way it was, but I'm trying, just please gave me chance." He was sad explaining things to me and I understand him
"I know and we will be fine." I answered on the other line
"that's good, I'll try to visit this weekend. Since Monday will be a holiday here so I can spend 3 days with you. do you want me to buy things for you?" he asked excitedly about his 3days off from college
"Nah, just the usual chocolate bar will do you good." And I chuckled teasing him
"Noted hon, goodnight. I love you always." He said before ending our nights on the phone.
"Love you before Adam," I answered him teasing him.
"What? And now?" he was complaining which makes me laugh
"I love you Adam, goodnight," I told him before ending the call I kissed him sounds on the phone to torture him which earns a grunt and I burst out laughing at his complaint.
it was Friday night and the school decided to have a torch parade with all the graduating students. They called it recollection night. Or I don't know it's as long as when all of you are in a group circle you can share all your secrets, regrets, fear, whatever thoughts you can share to participate.
After ending the school activity, it was almost 1 in the morning and I'm about to collapse from depriving myself of my sleep. Neil told me I can take a nap at Edens's house if I want or they can take me home before they sleep since the two of them are planning to have overnight to Eden's house.
"Nah, I just need black coffee to wake my sanity," I told him
We decided to drink coffee in Eden's house before we can enter his house, someone was calling from my phone and I answered because it was Adam, which makes him call at this hour. My brother and grandparents know I'll be with Neil and Eden.
"Hey?" I answered right after answering the call
"Where are you? I decided to drive back as early and I've been calling you, I heard you are at school right now since there this Torch event?" he asked eagerly
"yup, we just finish, I'm just grabbing some coffee," I said
"At this hour? I'm here on your school campus driving and looking for you but you're not, what coffee shop is still open at this hour?" he asked in an angry tone that was obvious
"Nah, Eden house, you come here. Neil was here, we decided for some coffee before they took me back home, but now since you are here, change plan." I told him
"Fine" he drops the call which confuses me he sounds jealous for nothing.
"Leave it open, Adam will be here to pick me up. He decided to drive back today instead of tomorrow."
"Common let's boil some water." Eden holds my hands which makes me a bit but I let him hold my hands
We walk directly to their kitchen which is very spacious they have this counter in the center of the space which is very cool, I decided to hope in while waiting for him to prepare our coffee. Neil said he has to talk to someone on the phone privately, so he exits himself in the same room. I wonder who was that he's talking about.
"I have to tell you something important, Olivia." Eden turns back his on me after setting up the coffee beside me.
"Shoot" I shrug to him it must be important, now I know why Neil pretended to have a call.
"I know your plan, after high school, going somewhere too far from here because that's you, I've been open to my feeling for you ever since, though I got offended all the time that you've been just friend-zoning me, that's fine because it's worth it Olivia, I have you all those years, close to me and perks of being just your friend I guess what more can I ask?." He narrates in a serious tone. And I was a bit hesitant about what to tell him.
"what do you mean? I'm sorry I thought were doing good?" I was confused, all this time I thought we were on the same pages in our feelings. Were good as a friend than lovers.
"I need closure" he answered and since I was sitting on his kitchen counter I didn't have any choice to move right away, in other words, he stands in from of me between my two legs.
"I don't want to regret things someday, I didn't pursue my feelings because sometimes it's how much I care for you and I can be fine by just being your friend. But this is different right now, in a few more weeks I can just call you. check you on the phone but can't even hold you anytime. I've been fine just being your friend because all those years, you are very near yet so far to touch how ever it's very precious and happiest to look back on my memory lane." He started trying to be stern and I feel hurt because all those times together he was waiting for me to gaze at him at least but I never did right?. And I'm a little hurt for him. he's a good-looking guy, I wouldn't say I'm not attracted to him but that's different from my feelings for Adam in fact he is very attractive to me. But all those times he was waiting I was busy with my feelings and I never bothered because I thought he was doing good and never question why he keep changing his girlfriend every other month.
"I'm sorry Eden," I almost choked because this was the man who had been with me when I was crying for Adam, a person who was always waiting for me when I am ready to talk, no question, and just always there to pick me up. "I'm soo sorry Eden" I repeated in a hushed tone
"Can I kiss you?" he asked me, he was serious, maybe just like any other human being he needs closure. It's just a kiss besides he's not just someone so I nodded. " I know you love Adam more than anyone and I accepted that already believed me I even chanted that every time I see those tears. But at least give me this Olivia." He said in a very painful voice and stern
"Don't expect too much. After kissing me, Eden. I'm warning you." I glare at him agreeing for a kiss of confirmation
Then he closes the gap between us, he kissed me at first, he didn't move. And I was confused because who wouldn't like it! He is Eden! A good-looking basketball player of my high school, everyone was having a crush on him. My thoughts are interrupted.
He moved his lips, and I responded to it until we're making out, he hold my back to squeeze me more to him, gosh! What am I doing! Enjoying his kiss! I know it's just hormones! Besides, it's just a kiss! We were fighting tongue to the tongue while he was hugging me and I was hugging his head in both hands until we heard the door creak damn! Adam!
"What the fuck! OLIVIA!" I almost jump from my sit seeing Adam
"Seriously? How long are you fucking him?" he blurts out of anger and I was beyond shock, Neil must hear the noise and I feel guilty for forgetting Adam just for a kiss. I feel fear seeing him fuming in anger.
"It's just a kiss man, don't talk to her like that." Eden faces him and puts me on his back since he feels my fear radiating for what Adam will do to him. But still, he was trying to hide me for whatever will come.
"I am talking to my woman! Punk! and you were ravishing her ASS**" Adam answered back in anger keep walking back in forth in front of the door trying to control his anger, he knows how much I hated it.
"It's not what you think" I almost whispered but enough for him to hear.
"but it seems like your enjoying him! How long Olivia!" he was assuming things and I know it's not working by just explaining it
"It's just a kiss." I'm trying to explain, do I have to tell him it's an experiment? Seriously?
"So kissing Eden is just fucking casual now?!" he was accusing me now and it's hurt I gave him a death glare
"Stop fucking insulting Olivia in front of us, Adam, you know her better besides it's my fault. I initiate the kiss." Eden reasons out to him but Adam grab him on his collar and suddenly his fist hits Eden I scream out loud gosh! His mouth is bleeding.
"Seriously Adam?! Didn't you fuck Jane?! It's just a kiss for fucking sake!" I was fuming this time. I know it's my fault but did I act violently ever for whatever he did before? I know he's right but seriously?
"So now! You want to be even from me?! is that it Olivia?" he was clenching his fist were both facing each other, this time I was beyond angry, how could he accuse me of things.
"you know what? Get out." I told him instead, I pointed out the door for him in a more calm and serious face
"Your coming with me, take your things" he was challenging me and I just want this to end
I decided to take my things and face Neil and Eden
"I'll call you guys tomorrow" before I exit I send them a reassuring smile and a chuckle to Eden for initiating the kiss it was silly but I don't regret it. But Adam's kiss was different.
I followed Adam to his car, he opens the door for me as he was sitting already in the driver's seat. He didn't drive right away.
"I thought your better than this Olivia, just because I fuck things up before? Really?" he was mocking me now in a serious tone. What do you want me to say?
"look, Eden kissed me to confirm something about his feelings, and we both agree, it's just a kiss Adam!" I was prostrated to explain how am I to explain to him that we just want to check if it will work out duh!
"And you're not even denying it now! I saw it! It was intense! And if I didn't catch it where will it lead Olivia! And I told you many times before! he's just a man! Fuck you!" he was gripping the wheels after slamming his head I just close my eyes, hearing him say that.
It hurts yes, but I know it's my fault, I saw him kissing Jane, maybe I handle things differently. But for sure I know it's just a kiss. I was mad this time I was hurt, but no tears were sheading.
Is this our beyond?
"Take me home," I whisper enough for him to hear.
"I'm sorry." He said, I was still closing my eyes, I know he was staring at me waiting for words to come from me. but I'm just tired.
"Take me home now." It was calm but I feel like I'm tired of explaining and fighting.
Until I heard him start the car I fell asleep. Minutes later I feel someone was holding my hands kissing them. Then I started to open my eyes, and take a look around, we were in front of our house.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for those words I've said, I'm just angry at what I saw, And I've fuck things between us that's what I'm afraid about I guess." He was trying to calm both of us squeezing my hands. I was staring into his eyes. I will always fall to this man. I love him but we both have this biggest pride issue, and he has his anger issue.
"We just need time Adam," I answered instead.
"No, I am mad Olivia, but that doesn't mean we have to take a break again, it almost break me the last time so please let's just forget it." He told me instead.
"No, I kissed him back, he was curious and so am I, I told him before he kissed me I am sure no one can compare to you, no one can change who you are in here." I pointed my heart. And he was staring at me.
"We can't just forget it because I mess up, you mess up before you cheat before. When I want to be with you we can't, because our family has this unresolved issue from our past which results in our impossible relationship and it's damn prostrating, but I never think of cheating Adam, that's for sure." I told him
"I know, and just because I can't handle myself around you, doesn't mean we have to give up things we have to let this go because it will never work out. Just tell me your willing to come with me then I'm ready to leave things behind us, Olivia." He offered instead.
"Running away from here will not do good on us, we might regret it someday, and I don't want that for us, we will find a way but maybe not now," I told him squeezing his hands.
"I thought you love me too much, I thought it will be enough reason to leave things behind." He was feeling like talking to himself
"I love you but I respect your family, I can still think straight, I don't want to lose my sanity just because I'm crazy in love with you Adam." I told him dismissing the conversation "I'll call you when I can. Go home, let's rest."
He just nods, before opening his door and opening mine. before I open our gate he grabs my hands.
He pulled me for a tight hug, I didn't look at him a while ago, trying to avoid things. But now I feel like he was broken.
"I'm sorry Hon, I know I always mess up, I always pressure you, I'm sorry sometimes I wished we are just different people. I love you and it's hurt that I always end up hurting you." he was sobbing now, I hugged him back
"I love you ever since, it was a dream. But surely that dream will always stay no matter what. I was happy because I know how much you love me and that's enough." I smiled at myself and our situation. Maybe I have to be the stronger one.
"You are not to compare to anyone because you are my only one and will be, no matter what." He holds my face in his both hands. Give me a lingering kiss. Give me a last tight hug.