EXCUSE THE MISTAKES
The sweet melody of the morning bird's tunes caused me to involuntarily open my eyes. As the light shone in from my window I turned over and there she was. Peyton. My best friend in the whole world. The photo of us smiling widely on our first day of fifth grade sat on my nightstand. The beaming smiles on our faces show how happy we were and how happy I would never be again. I picked up the framed picture and held it close to my chest.
"I love you so much, sis. I miss you." I whispered and sat the photo back on my nightstand.
After fighting with insomnia for the past week I slept long enough to gather energy to get through the day. I managed to pull myself up and I let my legs dangle off the edge of the bed. A black floor-length gown with thin straps laid across my ottoman, staring back at me. Its simplicity is definitely something Peyton would call boring. I grabbed the gown and headed to the bathroom to prepare myself for the worst day of my life.
Staring in the mirror, I examined my puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. The bags that formed from the stress took over my face and I could barely recognize myself. I took a quick shower and dressed in the gown. Not bothering to beautify my hair I threw my curls into a messy bun. Along with my puffy eyes and messy hair I looked exactly how I felt. Like shit.
"This is what they gone get Pey. I don't have the energy to slay today." I said aloud and turned off the light and exited the bathroom.
I walked back into my room to get my iPhone. While scrolling through my notifications I surpassed many missed calls and notifications from Facebook. I figured it was people paying their condolences so I ignored it. It's been the same thing every day since the announcement of her death. I couldn't bear to read another cliche comment like "sorry for your loss" and "She's in a better place now.'' No one knew that it literally felt like someone ripped my heart from my chest. She was my best friend, my sister, and my soulmate. It's getting harder and harder to cope with the pain and I think today may be my breaking point.
I walked into the dining room and was met with a familiar aroma of banana nut muffins. My mom stood at the counter cradling a cup of coffee in her hands while staring aimlessly in the backyard. I figured she felt just as bad as I did being that Peyton was like another daughter to her.
"Good morning Ma," I said barely above a whisper.
She turned and faced me with a weak smile. "Good morning Honey. You look marvelous," she stated. The false chipper act she put on didn't match the look of despair on her face. She sat her coffee cup on the counter and wiped her tears.
"I made you some Banana nut muffins. I remember how you and PeyPey used to tear em up every morning before school" she chuckled and grabbed a saucer from the cabinet and handed it to me.
"Thank you." I sniffed and took a bite from the muffin. I closed my eyes and enjoyed its sweetness. So far other than waking up this morning, this was the best thing to happen. I took another bite of the muffin, savoring the feeling of its warmth in my mouth.
"Your father sends his love. He's so sorry that he couldn't be here for support. Lord knows he loved Peyton as much as I did. But he would like to facetime you after the service if you're up to it" my mom mentioned.
I gave her a quick nod and finished the muffin. Grabbing my cellphone and the biggest sunglasses I could find my mom and I made our way out to her car. I got into my mom's Honda and instantly I felt a fresh wave of tears coming on.
If I go here today it means I really have to say goodbye. I'm not ready Pey. Things weren't supposed to happen like this. I need my best friend. I can't go on without you. I silently sobbed. Why didn't you come to me? We talked about everything with each other. I could have helped you. You were my sister.
"Mama I can't do this," I said in between sobs.
The pain became unbearable. Other than Peyton my mom was also my best friend. She knew me like the back of her hand and I couldn't keep up the charade any longer. She put a hand over mine and the warmth calmed me a little.
"I know honey. I will be here with you every step of the way. And remember that Peyton loved you dearly." she reminded me.
When we arrived at the church it was just as I expected it to be, filled to capacity. Before I could get out of the car Peyton's mom was there assisting me. My feet felt as heavy as bricks when she looped her arm with mine.
"Thank you, Ms. Brandi," I whispered.
I felt numb to the world like my body was in control by something other than my mind. The moment I laid eyes on the light pink and gold casket my feet were glued to the carpet.
"I can't," I whispered into my mom's ear.
She was on the left side of me with Ms. Brandi on the right. They both acted as a crutch and was the only thing keeping my weak knees from buckling.
"You'll be fine honey. You have to say goodbye or you'll regret it." she said.
Ms. Brandi provided extra comfort by caressing my back. With the two of them on my side, I felt a little better. A fresh batch of tears started to fall and I was thankful for the sunglasses that hid them. The short distance from where I stood and the casket seemed to be getting farther with each step I took.
Walking down the aisle It felt like the only two people in the church were Peyton and me. Suddenly her voice appeared in my ears, urging me to keep moving forward.
"Bestie. You can do it. I know it hurts that I'm gone but you have to get through this. You're the strongest person I know."
It gave me the motivation to get down the aisle and when I laid eyes on her I barely held it together. Peyton's washed out mulatto skin tone was still as perfect as the last time I saw her a week and a half ago. My eyes were like a broken faucet the way the tears poured out. I couldn't stop them nor did I care who watched. I placed my hand against her icy cheek as I gazed down at her peaceful expression. Her makeup was flawless as if she had done it herself.
"I love you sister" I whispered and planted a soft kiss on her chilled forehead. It took everything in me to not jump in that casket with her. Instead, I turned on my heels and took my seat in the front row.
"You did great. So good boo. I love you so much and I will always be with you. Just know that." I heard Peyton's voice in my head as I tried my hardest not to look at her anymore. The hollow feeling that appeared in my stomach every time I laid eyes on her lifeless body in the casket was enough for me and I couldn't wait until this was all over.
As the service went on my eyes drifted through the crowd, scanning each pew. One unfamiliar girl stood out with her perfect features and eyes the color of the clouds on a rainy day. Her stone-cold expression did little to hide the hurt that was displayed on her cheeks.
The pastor ended with one of Peyton's favorite songs and we were all directed out of the church. Peyton's mom offered me a ride with the immediate family in the limousine to the cemetery and I accepted. Numb from the day I barely noticed the ride from the church to the gravesite.
After piling under the tent everyone surrounded Peyton's casket. A prayer was spoken and everyone said their final goodbyes to her. I stood next to Ms. Brandi and held her hand, trying to soothe some of her pain as well as my own.
"I'm so sorry Jay. I had no idea that she was-" Ms. Brandi started.
"Shh. It's okay Ms. B. We will have a conversation another time. Let's just lay Peyton to rest" I interjected. The whole situation left some big unanswered questions and even though her death was deemed a suicide I felt otherwise. After today I was going to get to the bottom of it.
Most of the people tapered off and eventually it was only Ms. Brandi and I standing there. She wrapped her arms around me and I held on to her slender frame.
"She's really gone. My baby is gone" she cried on my shoulder.
I caressed her back "I know Ms. B but you're not alone. You still have me." I reassured her.
"Awh. My sweet Jaylah. Thank you for everything. I'm so glad she had a friend like you." Ms. Brandi said. She placed her hands on the cheeks of my face. "Peyton loved you very much. You were her everything"
"I love her too. Ms. B. So much. She will forever be my sister" I said and we shared another embrace.
"I'm gonna leave you two alone. Please come by the house whenever. You're always welcome." Ms. Brandi gave my hand a squeeze before leaving me alone with a heavy heart.
The gold from the casket glistened in the sunlight while a warm breeze kissed my damp cheeks. I remained there in the final moments of ever being in my best friend's presence. Grateful that everyone allowed me a final moment with her, I stared down at the casket and wished it were me. She didn't deserve to be in that box with the light she brought into this world.
"I guess this is it bestie. I'm really going to miss you." I whispered. I placed my hand on the smooth surface of the casket and did my best to hold myself up on my buckling knees.
"You'll get through it. I know you will Jaylah. You have too. For me. Its always gonna be me and you. Even when you call yourself finding a new bestie" Peyton's voice rang in my ears.
"No one can replace you." I chuckled.
"Yeah. she was one of a kind. Such a bright spirit."
I turned around and the girl from the ceremony stood with her beautiful short bob blowing in the wind. She lifted her dark shades as she walked up next to me.
"Hi. I'm Jaylah. And you are?" I asked nicely. I had to get straight to the point. Even though it was slightly irritating that a random girl interrupted my final private moment with Peyton, I gave her a smile and held my hand out.
"I'm Nadia." She said. Her touch was soft and she held onto my hand a little longer than expected. I pulled back and smiled.
"I'm sorry... It's just... You're even prettier than she described." Nadia spilled.
"Who? Peyton? How do you know her?" I questioned. I shifted my weight and put my hand on my hip. "I was her best friend I knew everything about her and I've never even heard of you before."
Nadia chuckled "We were friends. Really good friends." She wiped a tear and a weak smile crept on her lips. "it's really nice to meet you Jaylah."
The way she stared at me gave me a weird vibe. Maybe it's just me being an overprotective jealous friend, but this beautiful girl in front of me made me realize I didn't know Peyton as well as I thought.
"Maybe we should get together soon. Talk about our friend and possibly get to know each other. If that's okay with you." Nadia mentioned.
Our friend? Who is this girl? She waltzed in here claiming to have known Peyton and now she wants to get to know each other? For what? The look on my face must have been blatantly confused because she spoke up before I could.
"Sorry... I know its weird. I just..I would really like to connect with someone who knew Peyton. I mean you were her best friend." Nadia said.
I stood silent as awkwardness filled the area. "I don't know. I have a lot of work to catch up on with school and I don't think I'll have the time to do anything but breath and study."
I tried coming up with any excuse to dead this idea. I wasn't too good with new people that was always Peyton's forte. It was hard enough I had lost my only friend now this random person wants to get together and rehash old memories about our friendship.
"Yeah... Of course. I completely understand." Nadia spluttered. She took one final look at Peyton's casket and began to walk away with her head lowered.
"Bestie. It's okay. Just get to know her"
I listened to Peyton's voice and decided to give Nadia a chance. Hopefully, Peyton could help me understand why she did what she did.
"Hey, Nadia!" I called.
She turned to me, shielding her eyes from the sun. "Yeah?"
"Let's get together soon. I could really use the distraction. You like coffee?" I offered.
"Yes. Coffee sounds great," she said.
We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. I met my mom at her car shortly after and we decided to grab some lunch before we headed home. Today was draining, to say the least, but I'm glad to finally lay my friend to rest.
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Thanks for reading
Sorry about the length