In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream, it's like a million little stars spelling out your name. You gotta c'mon, say that we'll be together, c'mon, little taste of heaven.
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~ A H M A D ~
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Yesterday, I had shown her enough sissiness, I had let go of too much of my macho and I couldn't let today be a repeat of that. She had actually seen me cry, she had seen me blasting myself and ranting like a moody teenager, but not today, today it was time to be a man.
And so eventhough my heart was beating at a hundred miles per hour, I think I carried myself pretty well up to this point. This point being me knelt on one knee and facing her, waiting for her to answer the question that had kept me up all night and made me restless.
I remember when I was in this exact same position roughly three weeks ago. I remember when I had proposed to Farida, how that act was purely a result of confusion and helplessness all at once but now, when it was her, it was totally different. Though that feeling of helplessness remains, the confusion was gone for I know in the depths of my heart that this was the woman I want to spend every second of my life with.
And just like I have discovered that she is named Jannah, I know that my life will be no less of a heaven when I have her with me. What she makes me feel is beyond what words can explain, beyond even what my heart can contain and I fear that if her answer isn't in my favor, the abyss I will fall into this time was one I can never be saved from.
I curse my luck when yet again, the one thing that stood between me and her answer was the sound of the door opening. The steps that hurried towards Jannah carried with them an air of tragedy and a news that made her run out the door and leave me on my knees.
I became worried and followed behind them, though the sound of their fast steps quickly faded and left me to navigate my own way to the cafeteria. There was no chance of getting lost this time since it was only straight ahead and all I had to do was follow the walls.
I search for my usual spot with Roland and in doing so, I pass the voices of Mrs Akinotola and her two kids and though I had felt tempted to ask her what was happening, I didn't because I knew she would incredibly dramatise everything. Shakira and even Abdul Ganiyy were unreliable too. The girl would follow her mother's suit and though the boy wouldn't exaggerate anything, he would take hours before he formed coherent sentences and I had no time to tolerate his stammerings.
I continued walking and when I reached the table I was sure was the seventh on the left row, I don't find Roland on it but I hear the sound of voices on a table close by and though I know she made me feel uncomfortable, I have now no choice but to go over where that Fatima Ibrahim sat chatting away with Grace.
"Hey Blindy, hey Grace." I greeted the both of them, calling one by the nick name I had come up for her to make her name more tolerable.
"Ahmad, that you?" came Blindy's voice.
It might be harsh but ever since the first day of these classes, that was the name I called Fatima Ibrahim. It was the only other name I could come up with and judging by how she's never sounded like she minds when I call her that, she actually sounds glad, it seems she really likes the name tooa and what better nick to give a blind person than Blindy? So instead of judging me, you really should just give me a pat on the back.
"Yeah Blindy, what's going on? Is Maryam alright?" I ask forgetting that she and Grace were also the same as me in the not being able to actually see thing.
But well perhaps jumping at the opportunity to talk to me, Blindy answers anyways while I hear Grace busy with munching down a sandwich.
"Me and Shakira were eating when we heard something fall to the floor and appearantly, it was Aunty Maryam, she fainted."
"Then what happened? Is she okay now?" I sat down on a chair beside her.
"She was revived before she was taken to the clinic, that's all I know."
"And Jan- I mean Asiya, where's she?"
"I'm not sure, I don't know if she came here or not."
"I saw her running towards the clinic." a male voice joined in and this time I didn't need his name to know that it was Michael Ebitoye.
I felt the table shake a little and I was sure that he's sat down.
Great. Just what I needed.
"But now I can see her in the hallway ahead, she's walking to the exit with Maryam and someone I think is Maryam's mom." continued Ebitoye. "Oh and now she just turned back, she appears to be walking back here alone."
Thanks to his commentating, I was able to pick up a little bit of her scent, she was walking here indeed. And now, I feel guilty for how I treated him, for how he still just talked to me despite what I did to him.
As if Blindy could sense the tension, she pulled herself and Grace away, gingerly excusing themselves and going on to another table. I'd be grateful for that if she hadn't just left me in the company of someone I prefer her's over no matter how uncomfortable she makes me feel. But oh well, now I was already in for it so all I did was sigh and brace myself for whatever awkwardness is to come.
"Hey man." I said as warmly as I could manage. "About... you know, that Sarturday you called, I'm sorry," I let my fingers brush through my hair and pull at it, something I always do when I genuinely feel regretful. "but I ghosted you on purpose."
"Well, it wasn't that hard to figure out, Sambo." Ebitoye chuckled and I was surprised that he had taken it so lightly, and I felt stupid as well for thinking he'd be offended.
Though we did have a break, I've known this guy for more than ten years so I should have known there was rarely anything that angered Ebitoye.
"It must suck," his tone was serious now as well as sympathetic and I immediately know he's addressing my blindness. "so I understand, you just needed space to... get used to it."
"Yeah, mate. Thanks."
"No p, really. Here you go," I heard him place a bottle in front of me. "It's Chapman, your usual order. I've been seeing you drinking it whenever you're here."
"In short, you've been stalking me." I chuckled, grabbing the drink and twisting the top till the lid broke and I heard the hiss of gas escaping through it.
"Well, I am a lecturer here and you are a student or something so yeah, I have been seeing you around and I can't help if I notice the stuff you do." he defends and all I did was laugh some more. "So now that that's out of the way, can I ask how exactly it is this happened?"
I knew he was bound to ask this sooner or later and if it was now, then so be it, I let the story unfold, all of it.
"That's... almost unbelievable, I mean you actually survived a plane crash? Whow man, sounds like a movie kinda shit. No offense though."
What'd I expect from him anyways? He was still his vulgar self. I smile a little as I take the first gulp of the chapman I know he's offered to me as a kind of peace offering and then, I could feel Jannah was close. Her scent was intense.
"She's here now right?" I asked, I know she was but I needed to make sure and I needed to know where.
"Yeah, she just sat down on a table by your left."
I try to look as disinterested as possible and I think it worked when the next thing that came out of his lips wasn't a question of why I had been asking about her, but it was a different topic all together, one that I was even less pleased with.
"I met Khalid Yuguda last two weeks. You know since you didn't talk to me, I asked around til I got his number. I really thought you two were still close since you were in the same university but it turns out that he didn't even know about this." Ebitoye didn't need to clarify that by this, he meant my blindness.
"Yeah we both were here but we had different majors, I was law and he was medicine, so we weren't even really in the same place. And also I didn't graduate here, like I told you, I left during final year and joined aviation school so it's like I was never even a student here." I shrug and hope that was enough to make him let go.
"Well back in secondary school you two weren't in the same class either, you were arts and he was science, but you still hung out so no Sambo, I'm not buying that excuse. Khalid and you had a falling out during those university days and when I asked him what it was about so I could see if I could sort things out, he said I should ask you instead."
"Okay Dr Phil, I'll just start talking about all my deepest, darkest feelings now." I said flatly, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.
Ebitoye sighed and by how the table tilted a little, I know he must've leaned in closer.
"I know I was out of the team when I chose to go to a different university, but come on man, you and Khalid Yuguda were here together, you were in primary and secondary school together and you two were practically brothers! Damn Sambo, what could possibly break that bond?"
"Well, life happens." now the urge was too great, I just had to give him an eye roll.
"C'mon dude, whatever it is that went wrong can be fixed, I'm sure of it and if-"
"Micheal Ebitoye," I deadpan. "drop it. It's none of your business." I warned. He was starting to get on my nerves.
I simply refuse to let myself be reminded of what had made me finally realize that Khalid was a bloody bastard that wasn't worthy of my friendship. I had more important things on my mind, Jannah was one of them. It wasn't only the fact that I didn't get an answer from her that was disturbing me, it was because Jannah was worried deeply, I could feel it.
By how the table had shaken again, I figure Ebitoye must've taken his arms off it and probably raised them to his sides in defeat when he replied.
"Okay dude, chill, you're right, I have no business with your bromance."
Finally.
"But well anyways speaking of that, had any new romances recently?" before I even answered he burst out laughing shaking the table in the process once again. "You, I'm asking you that? The Ahmad Sambo? Just tell me, how many chics you've got parked right now. You know what I missed most about secondary school were those your epic and scandlous affairs." he continues laughing but I was not one bit amused.
Indeed it was true what he said about secondary school but I was a teenager back then, a teenager who made himself forget about the terror that awaits him back home when he's surrounded by girls. It was stupid for a coping mechanism and I know I'm a complete asshole for it but yeah, girls, most especially vain and dumb girls that were easy to fool with had been that for me. And I realized that was probably why I've never noticed Jannah, she was neither of those things.
When they followed after me, showering me with attention and adoration, I had felt like all my father said and all he makes me feel isn't true. When they looked at me like I was an idol or something, it made me forget how Baba looked at me like the pathetic wimp I was. It made me feel like I am worth something, I am someone and not just a punching bag, those girly girls had been what distracted me from the pain and the hurt, from Baba's belt and his burning eyes and from Mama's screams and her wailing eyes.
I hurriedly blinked away the images that were forming in front of me before they possessed me and plunged me back into the darkness. Well I was already in the darkness but with her around, I had forgotten about it. Jannah makes me feel like all that has never happened, she makes me feel brand new.
Now even knowing that she's somewhere near me soothes me eventhough Ebitoye was threatening that balance. But just her scent is enough to make me start start smiling as I think about her, even completely forgetting to answer Ebitoye.
"Okay, that weird smily googly eyed thing you've got going on there answers it, so tell me, how many girls...?"
"One." I had no idea when and why I had answered.
"One?"
"One." I said slowly, nodding my head.
"One!?" he exclaimed and I craved to see the expression on his face. "No... you must be kidding me, you mean three right? I mean c'mon even when you had that extremely hot Laila, you were still two timing with Ruby Darey remember?"
"Well that was the past, dude." A past I'm not proud of, might I add.
"Okay... who are you and what have you done with Ahmad Sambo?" he playfully grabs me by the edges of my jacket.
"I'm the alien that humanised him, hopefully." I grin and smack his hands away.
In the middle of the laughs, he abruptly stopped and I imagine him to be wide eyed when he addressed me.
"Shit man, don't tell me, you're married?"
That no doubt caught me offguard and I just had to let a wild and throaty chuckle escape me.
"No but... about to." again, I have no idea how and why I let myself say that.
"For real? Man, Now I just need to know who this girl is. Taming the Parking Space like that?"
I had totally forgotten about that dub he had just called me with. It was of course, something he and Khalid called me by back in the day. They claimed that I was just like a parking lot, I had girls like cars always coming in to me and sometimes even fighting over a parking space while all I do is keep them "parked" there.
"So now, there's only one car in there?"
"Most definitely so, mate." I raised the bottle of chapman as if for a toast before taking a long swig of it and letting the bubbly liquid soak my thirsty throat.
"I really just have to know who she is now." the eagerness in his tone was quite intense.
"Look to your left. The most beautiful girl there, the girl you just told me sat there." I declare proudly.
"Asiya Haroona!" he shouts too loudly and I wouldn't be surprised if she answered, thinking someone was calling out to her.
Thankfully, he regained himself and now took to whisper shouting, "Asiya Haroona!??? That extremely weird girl? I mean she hardly even speaks and now, she's even weirder since out of every job she could do, she's actually tutoring blind people. That's just disturbing, man."
I don't know if Ebitoye had already forgotten that I was one of those "blind people" he had just so demeaningly addressed so I cleared my throat and went on to remind him of that.
"In case you didn't notice Ebitoye, I'm also one of those despicable monsters, yes those nasty blind people."
"I didn't mean it like that dude, I'm just shocked that out of all those girls, your chose her?"
Neither of those have ever made me see yellow even with my eyes opened but she did it with my eyes closed. They were distractions from Baba, they saved me from thinking about him but she, she's a distraction from myself, she saves me from myself so yes, I dont even deserve her but it'll be her again and again.
"But actually..." Ebitoye continues, sounding far off. "looking at her now, I do admit that she is kinda hot. I mean there's that face man, she's a kind of sophisticated beauty, and also there's that body. Damn, I'm sure under that veil must be a very sexy—"
Before he had finished whatever it was he was intending to say, my fist hit hard on the table, making my half drunken bottle of chapman spill over.
"Don't, don't you ever talk about her like that." my voice was low but loudly menacing. "Understand?"
I cannot explain what it was that took a hold of me, all I know is that my blood boiled and my temper caught on fire. Jannah wasn't Laila, she wasn't any of those girls so he had no right to talk about her like that.
He didn't answer and I couldn't care less for his answer because I couldn't wait to get away from him anyways, I got up to my feet and held my stick in my hand.
"See you around, Michael." I strode away as fast as I could.
Her scent had faded away from that cafeteria anyways so I was sure she had left. I hope it was to the class room because it was the only place I could take myself without running a risk of getting myself lost again.
Immediately I opened the door, her scent was what welcomed me and I was thankful. However, I wasn't sure if she was alone but I just took my chances and headed to the podium where she was sat on her desk.
"Need someone to talk to?" I say when my stick hit the table and I was sure I was near her.
I couldn't dare press her for any answer now, I was worried about her and needed to make sure she was okay. I want her to be in the right state of mind when she answers and one thing's for sure, right now, Jannah isn't. The only thing on her mind is probably Maryam.
"No, not really, thank you." I immediately sense how her voice had grown hoarse and flattened. She had probably cried a while back. "Just waiting for the break to be over so I can go to Maryam. She said I needed to stay behind and finish the class."
"She'll be okay, Jannah. Maryam will be fine." I try to convince her and lessen even if it be a tiny bit of her worry.
"I know. Her mom took her home, she was just tired, that's all. She'll be fine." there was an unshakable faith in her tone and I fear what she would go through if the opposite happens since for sicklers, things could head southwards pretty fast.
I have known that Maryam had Sickle Cell Anaemia since we were in Secondary school and that was one of the reasons why everyone stayed away from her. You don't want to be near her when a gust of wind blows and she suddenly collapses, but that's the old me speaking so don't worry, I still have a heart. And that's also another reason why I've never known Jannah, since appearantly, she was best friends with a girl everyone avoided like the plague. Again, don't mind my dark humor, still the old me talking.
"So actually, I was heading to pray Zuhr but I can't quite count the steps... you know, don't want a repeat of yesterday so can you guide me there?"
"Sure," I hear her chair creek and her steps walking to me. "follow me."
I thought she was offering me her shoulder but she just walked ahead of me. I had to remind myself what I figured earlier, Jannah is nothing like those girls that chase after me. To her, physical contact with the opposite gender was only allowed only when it was absolutely necessary. Just like it was when she found me in the rain.
"When we get to a turn, I'll let you know."
I nod and start following behind her. Her steps were distinctly different from everyone else's so I had no trouble using them as my guide.
"Right turn," she said when I was at the twenty eighth step.
I thrust my stick to the right and felt the floor beneath me. When I was sure there was no wall nor any other obstacles, I turn and continue in that direction.
Less than a minute later, I hear her stop and after taking a few steps closer, I stop too.
"Here it is, door by your right."
"Thank you." I feel for the handle of the door which I immediately find.
"I'll just wait around to guide you back." she said but I didn't like the idea of that.
"No it's okay, I can make it myself."
"We don't want a repeat of yesterday remember?" she chuckled and I smiled. My heart rejoiced to hear that sound it I loved so much once again.
"Okay then, there's a female section around, you can pray too and we'll meet after."
"S-sure." her nervous tone was back. I wonder why. "Meet you then."
I opened the door and entered into the mosque. I didn't need to perform ablution, I had a habit of maintaining my ablution so the prayer lasted a little more than five minutes and when I was out, I didn't need to hear her voice before I knew she was there, her scent had told me.
"Let's go," she said and my steps obediently followed just like my heart did.
-----
The automatic bell rang and I didn't need to check my watch to know that it was 3 pm, the time Jannah was eagerly waiting for. However, I knew she was in a dilemma since she couldn't leave till we all left first. I don't know for the others but I was ready to go right now, Harrison was always outside waiting for me and not the other way round and it was then that an idea struck me.
If she'd agree, I could have Harrison guide everyone outside and she wouldn't have to stay behind to do that, she could just leave immediately.
"Sir," Harrison was here, think of the devil. "Shall we?" he asked when I got to my feet.
As always when it was time to close, I could hear loud shuffling and chatter. Blindy and Grace with their weird talks and giggles, Mrs Akintola scolding one of her kids for not sharing their earphones with her, and Roland speaking way too loudly to Jannah whenjoy she was right in front of him.
"Guys," I clapped my hands to gain their attention. "a minute please."
Since we were only seven, the quite came rapidly and I got all of their attention.
"Asiya has some place to be so how about you let Harrison here guide you all to your cars today?"
I hear Jannah walk towards me before she, obviously thinking that I was troubling myself, started to protest. "It's really okay Ahmad, you don't need-"
"Yes, he's right." the one time I'll ever be thankful to Blindy. "Aunty Maryam is sick so please you should just go to her. We can handle ourselves here, right Grace?"
"Yeah, please go Asiya and our regards and well wishes to Maryam, we all hope she'll get well soon."
"My daughter please go," added the dramatic Mrs Akintola. "may Allah Azza Wa Jal grant her a quick shifa."
"Yes my sister." and Roland concluded, giving Jannah the final nudge.
She must feel like she was shirking on her duties and burdening me but she has no idea how much I was willing to do just to lessen the heaviness of the clouds of worry that were hovering above her.
"Thank you." Jannah addressed all of us and I could tell she meant it from the bottom of her heart.
A few footsteps later and a creaking of a door open, just before she exits, she says, "But you all please shouldn't come to class tomorrow, or even for the rest of this week till I call you and tell you to. This time, no matter how Maryam insists, I'm not leaving her till she's completely better so I don't want any of you taking the trouble and coming to an empty class. Bye everyone."
And the door gently slams to a close, just like those words of hers had gently slammed close my hopes of getting an answer to calm my restless heart soon.
I sighed and slumped back down to my chair feeling defeated. It was selfish I know since Maryam was sick but I still wanted Jannah all to myself. I wanted her to be here with me tomorrow and hopefully when she answers me, she'll be with me for the rest of our lives but now, I have no idea when I'm going to get to see her again. If getting drenched in the rain and nearly dying of hypothermia was what it would cost to see her soon again, I would do it a hundred times over.
"So where is this person that's supposed to take us to the car? My husband is here o." Mrs Akintola says and I didn't need to tell Harrison what to do before he went on and asked her to follow him.
Grace and Roland were next, going together and leaving only Blindy. I wonder why today she wasn't the first to leave since mostly, she always was.
"Okay now, my bro's here, let's go." she finally said a few minutes after Harrison was back.
Since there was no one left, I leave together with Blindy and place a hand on the side of Harrison's arm. He was a little bit too tall for it to be convenient to hold him by the shoulder. I expect Blindy to also place a hand on Harrison or maybe just hold my hand but she suddenly wound her hands around my arm and rested her head on it, holding me tight and making me as uncomfortable as she's always made me feel. I realize then that she had waited to be the last on purpose, so I would go along with her and she'd get to do this, whatever it was.
I could shake her off me I know but out of some kindness I didn't know I had, I just let her be till we arrived at the parking lot.
"Uhmmm Blindy, we're here." I tell her so she would finally release me.
"Black Venza." she said almost dreamily and still held on to her position.
I continued following Harrison as he searched for the car that would free me from this awkwardness I had gotten myself into.
"Fatima!" yelled a male voice from somewhere on my left.
I almost jumped out of my skin, loud screams reminded me of Baba and they still petrified the hell out of me.
"That's my brother," she whispered before pulling away.
I don't care who the hell he is, he's my savior.
"I've been waiting here for almost half an hour and it's now you decide to come out?" the dude continued, I presume he was besides me now. "Who's he? Where's Maryam and Jannah?"
When I heard him address Jannah as Jannah, I don't know why but a dangerous fear grew within me. I didn't like the sound of that, not at all.
"Yaya, he's also a participant, his name's Ahmad. Aunty Maryam got sick today and Aunty Asiya was in a hurry to go see her so he guided me today." Blindy answered too sweetly for my liking. What was I even doing still standing here?
"He's blind too? How could he bring you here if he's blind too?"
So despite hearing that Maryam's sick, me being blind was what this guy decided to address? Well okay, I just realized maybe being naturally irritating was a trait in Blindy's family cause instantly, I don't like this guy too but whatever, and again, what was I doing still standing here anyways?
"Bye." I said to Blindy flatly and turned to the other direction, walking away before Harrison appeared in front of me and took me the rest of the way to the car.
-----
"Ahmadinajad!" my mother beamed immediately I entered the house, in anticipation of hearing the good news. "What'd she say?"
Since yesterday I had told Mama all about what I was planning to do and what her horrible timing had cost, she was all hyped up about today. She claimed that instantly she saw Jannah, she knew that I loved her. "Mother's intuition", she called it.
I fake a smile and brush past her. I would tell her everything when I was ready, when I was recharged and ready to admit to myself that perhaps, this wasn't going to go out so well. That I had to stay like this, baring the torture of uncertainty for the rest of the week.
I had freshened up, prayed Asr and was lying on my bed when Mama entered into my room and by the sound of clatters of plates, I know she came in with a tray in hand.
"Food. Eat." she orders when she placed the tray on my cupboard.
"Not hungry." I sigh.
"Okay, get up now and talk." she starts lifting my head up.
"Nothing to talk about."
"I'm not buying that." she sat down by the headboard and I had to shift a little before she placed my head on her laps.
Though I would never admit this to her, there was nothing in this world that comforted me more than feeling her hands going through my hair and stroking it gently. I could smell her deep and musky scent that reassured me that everything was going to be fine and and believing that, I closed my eyes and let her magic fingers soothe my weary head.
"Now, talk." she said once again.
"Mama, how did you and Baba meet?"
I know she was expecting something different but this, this is what I want to talk about. I had heard this story a hundred times but I still enjoyed it and just like her fingers soothed my head, the images I see of my father as the kind and loving person she narrates him to be also soothes it. I yearned and craved to see him like that, I yearned and craved to not think of him and see him as a monster or devil because no matter what he's done, I still love him. He's still my father and I remember the emptiness that long lingered with me when he was gone.
After a bit of a silence, and the slow motion of her hands massaging my scalp, she starts and I could hear the smile in her voice.
"I was 19 then, your grandfather was a teacher and we were still in Australia, my parents hadn't moved back to Egypt then. I think your father was about your age when he came to Australia and started learning under my father. I remember clearly the day he came home and was excitedly telling your grandma how he had just found me the perfect suitor, his best student. He said he had never met such a bright young man, he said he was the most brilliant student he had ever had and he said he was Nigerian, which shocked me.
"At first, I was a little bit scared but after the first impression I had of him, he completely won me over. That first impression I had was through a letter, and that letter was the most romantic thing I've ever read in my entire life. I learnt too late that your grandfather had also read that letter before it was given to me." she laughs but I could hear her lips quiver as well.
"Those times were something else, so different, everything was so controlled. Your grandfather had to read every letter your father sends to me before I read it. He had to hear us when we talked over the phone, he had to be there when we met, we were never left alone till we got married and I remember those days were the best days of my life. Your father was simply perfect, I didn't mind his dark skin, he still was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I didn't mind his funny accent, his voice was still the loveliest sound I've ever heard and when he smiled... Ahmadi, you have that same smile, you know? His smile completely sweeps me off my feet and when he looks at me, the whole world disappears, it feels like its only the two of us left." she pauses and her hands stop in my hair. I feel a drop on my forehead and I immediately realize it was her tear.
"Everything was perfect Ahmadi, your grandfather and your grandmother accepted him as their own and loved him so much. They gave me away to him with so much faith and trust in him before they left Australia. I loved him more than I love myself and on the day of my wedding, I remember how I was looking ahead at a life full of happiness and love, that was what he promised me but..." she didn't need to finish that, I had heard the sound of all her dreams shattering in the sob that racked through her ribs and I had to sit upstraight and envelope her, wishing that I could absorb all her pain, wishing that she had never known my father, wishing that I had never even existed.
A/N
Lyrics from the first paragraph up above are from Taylor Swift's "Untouchable."