Perhaps there was such kind of departure in the secular world, without farewell or hysterical break; even when it came over, unexpectedly, it was so peaceful that you could not feel the sadness in an instant.
It seemed as if a sudden rainstorm came on a sunny day; as if your precious vase suddenly fell onto the ground when you wiped it. In face of that, you could only feel bewildered and endless silence.
Wenxu Jiang stood in the living room alone, feeling at a loss about how to handle such situation. His mind was still in confusion. He didn't understand why Zhishu He left, and where that man could go himself.
He just stood there, suddenly a feeling of helplessness struck him. Wenxu Jiang had never felt so lonely and desolate like now. Neither did he when he became a stranger to his family for the love with Zhishu He, when he was so poor that a bowl of wonton was eaten for two meals, or when he had been away from home for a dozen of days with kinds of reasons. But now he did, because Zhishu He was no longer behind him to give him support.
Ziyu Ai arrived at the rest stop. The farther they went southward, the warmer it got. At least it was already more than ten degrees Celsius warmer than Beijing.
Ziyu Ai suggested that Zhishu He should get out of the car to have a stretch, because it was tired for both driving and taking the car. He handed the dog's leash to Zhishu He and said, "Will you hold it and walk the dog?"
Zhishu He said nothing, but he still took the rope and walked the dog carefully, with some hidden vitality and brightness on his face, which was rare to see.
"Why don't you keep one by yourself since you like dogs so much?" Ziyu Ai followed beside Zhishu He, smiling.
Zhishu He shook his head and replied, "My family doesn't like it."
Ziyu Ai was sure to understand his meaning, and he was jealous of Wenxu Jiang more or less in his heart. For a moment, he did not know what to say.
Ziyu Ai turned up the warm wind of the air conditioner the moment they got in the car. Seeing Zhishu He folding the overcoat, he could not help but blurt out the thing which he deeply cared about, "...You don't have to be serious if he's just seeking for fun. Zhishu, I know that kind of man very well. They always have more than one lover at the same time, and know how to sweet-talk the one he is particularly interested in. You're not a kid anymore. You should have a plan for your future."
Hearing that, unexpectedly, Zhishu He laughed. Not out of malicious sarcasm instead, it was just because those words sounded funny to him. Zhishu He tilted his head and turned his eye to Ziyu Ai, his black pupils shining. He asked, "You think I am a lover kept by him?"
That was not a pretty word to put on a man. Ziyu Ai slightly frowned, "I'm afraid you'll be cheated."
Zhishu He looked out of the window, the reflective stripes on the highway twinkling. Ziyu Ai drove too fast. Zhishu He frowned, "Doctor, what would you like to know?"
"You needn't guess blindly or simply think what you know is true." Zhishu He sighed.
The dog was spirited after sleep and walk, so it leaned towards Zhishu He and Ziyu Ai through the gaps of seats. Zhishu He took some dehydrated fruit and fed it, continuing gently, "I have been together with Wenxu Jiang for more than 10 years. He has already fallen into the habit of cheating on me, but what can I do? I know I am disappointing these years, and even willing to do feudal women's obligations because I loved him so much. I give up my career and my life depends on him. I cook and warm bed for him after he was tired of playing outside. That's right. It's not different from being kept by him." Zhishu He patted the dog on its head, looking at the doctor, and said, "That's all about it. Are you satisfied?"
It was not that Zhishu He did not care his love to Jiang. He said those mean words in such a casual manner just because he was unable to let it go. However, this satire hurt Zhishu He himself in return.
How could he be regarded as a lover kept by Wenxu Jiang? The house should have been owned by both of them. Zhishu He should have had shares in the company. Even if the same-sex love was not acceptable to ordinary people, it was still called love. They had once faced their parents, as well as the eyes of the world.
But everything had changed. It was just that Wenxu Jiang did not love Zhishu so deep as before, and after a few years of struggling in business world, Jiang had accumulated some capitals. But none of these could be enough to describe Zhishu as a lover kept by Jiang.
In fact, Zhishu He had been aware of Ziyu Ai's mind as soon as he said those words which implied everything. 'Ziyu Ai might actually have feelings on me, but how much of it was just his own wishful thinking?
Ziyu Ai also regretted to have said that. What he thought was not exactly the same as Zhishu He did. Ziyu Ai was just clumsy of speech. It was possible to have IQ decline in front of the person you loved. He really cared about Zhishu He, but what Ai cared was not his love affairs with Jiang. He was afraid that Zhishu was cheated. He was also sad that...the man he loved so much would not share love to him.
When faced with something he cherished, even a saint would be possessive more or less, let alone a common man. He wanted to own it, the same as a wild animal wanted to own the land. He didn't want his treasure to be touched, coveted or even casted a glance by the others.
So how could Ziyu Ai be satisfied after he heard what Zhishu He said? He would rather Zhishu He had made a mistake like a fool; at least it was nothing to do with love. However, the precondition of Zhishu He's infatuation was the 10 years he spent with Jiang, the most beautiful, the purest and the most pertinacious age, that no one could get involved in. When one fell in love with a person at that age, it must be for a lifetime.
What lasted a whole life, if not happiness, would only be hurt in the heart.
"I'm sorry." Ziyu Ai did not know what to say, feeling listless.
Zhishu He did not care at all. He rubbed the fat face of Er Gou, smiling, "You needn't say so. After so much you did for me, you deserve some information at least."
It was possible that Zhishu did not care what Ziyu said because he did not care about Ziyu at all. People of this temper were the hardest to conquer: no matter you were affectionate or implicitly contemptuous, his heart did not open for you, and you could not hurt him with anything, your sword or spear.
Supposing that Ziyu Ai didn't know that, how could he, a man would blush to ears at a teasing or a sight of others, speak words of keeping a lover and warming the bed in such a restrained, cold and frank way. Perhaps it was life that had hardened and changed something of him, or it was the love experience with Jiang that had brought him the greatest sorrow.
This was the result of once opening his heart wide. It was pain all over.
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