The sun was falling on the horizon when they arrived. The abandoned parking lot was empty and silent, devoid of human beings, the rain earlier released the smell of wet asphalt. The scattered puddles on the pavement were illuminated by the flickering street lamp and the slowly departing sun. The group of trees that huddled the area made it a sanctuary from the small town.
On a friday night with no adults around, just the two of them, this really was the perfect time and place to try out smoking.
For Granger, that is.
They sat on a yellow parking block, a few meters from the trees, facing the sunset. Alucard sat on it first and Granger followed suit, carefully placing his guitar case next to him. The blonde then looked for his cigarette pack in his blue coat's front pocket and took two cigarette sticks from it. Granger stared at his potential vice, eyes expectant, internally imagining the smoke invading his lungs and his probable death from lung cancer.
"Here." Alucard handed the cigarette to Granger and looked for his lighter in his coat pocket. Granger meanwhile held the cigarette in his fingers, it was a marlboro, a red one, but a cigarette is still a cigarette, regardless of brand, and Granger knows he'll soon regret the thought of trying it.
Out of earshot, Granger heard Alucard flicking his lighter, lighting the cig tucked in his thick lips, the blonde inhaled and released wisps of grey to the atmosphere, and Granger sat there, dazed. Alucard almost looked liked a model in those advertisements doing that, a picture one would put on a magazine or a billboard in the city. Alucard can be cool if he wanted to be, despite being an idiot in the most inappropriate of times.
"Granger, do you still want to?" Alucard inhaled the smoke again, and blew a breeze of gray fog towards the pavement. That moment looked too cool to be Alucard, a tobacco connoisseur, one would think. Alucard didn't cough when he took another puff, then a tuft of acrid smoke came out of his mouth, making Granger's vision gray. Granger pursed his lips, reconsidering, he never knew a person could have that intake that much smoke in his lungs.
But he has his pride, he was the one who asked after all.
"Yeah I still want to." Granger nodded, and Alucard laughed at him, amusement colored his cheeks. Granger frowned, indignant.
"The fuck's so funny?"
"It's like you're a boy scout, do you want breathing exercises too?" Alucard bit his lips, laughter fighting its way out of his body.
Granger would've hit that quaking shoulder with a fist, but the serenity of this place somehow kept him in check. He wouldn't want to disturb the peace in the area.
"When did you first started smoking anyway? I never saw you doing it at school."
An unsettling realization creeped in Granger's gut, they didn't hang out as much as before, Granger knew that much, but since when did Alucard start doing things without him? When did he start keeping secrets from him?
Who taught you how to smoke?
Alucard tilted his head back, and took the cigarette from his mouth, almost half of it gone. "Last month." then he smiled, his dimples now prominent. "After trying out Marijuana."
"Liar." Granger snorted, pushing his worries in the depths of his mind, the marijuana part obviously a bluff. He ignored the sinking feeling in his chest, tried to anyway. What did Alucard do while they were apart?
Alucard said nothing to that, he became quiet, his eyes then shifted to the peeking stars of dusk, his visage thoughtful, his bravado taking a backseat, slowly revealing his real self, and Granger felt a skip in his heartbeat, clumsily thumping against his ribs. It was a sickness he felt for months that he resolutely ignored.
There's a reason why he's avoiding him this semester after all.
"It's true, though." Alucard looked up and took another puff, blowing gray fumes towards the stars. "Freya taught me how to, it was fun." Alucard grinned at him, and Granger fought against the beating of his heart, praying for it to calm down; but it's been so long since he has seen this side of him. Belatedly, he remembered this girl, and his heart pierced at the memory.
"Freya? Wait, I thought you two broke up last week?"
So she is still his girlfriend it seems, for now. What was she? The fifth? The tenth? He's not really sure. He has lost count of Alucard's many girlfriends ever since the first one he introduced to him months ago, Miya, the moment things between them fell apart.
Alucard looked away, he whistled a dry tune while the cancer stick is still in his fingers, midnight zephyr emerged from his lips as he did so.
"Too bad I'm gonna break up with her tomorrow." Alucard threw his still lit cigarette on a puddle a few steps away, putting it out. The tiny flame perished in the puddle, the small flicker of light hopeless against the water.
Relief flooded Granger's chest, but frustration easily trumped it. How many hearts will this idiot break? Thrown away like trash? Is no one worthy enough for him?
His heart, naive to the whole grand scheme of love, was torn on what to do, and his mind is just as clueless. Somehow, try as he might, he can't get away from him. He sees him everywhere, the thoughts of him are locusts spreading throughout the town, his shadow lurks in the empty space beside him, his voice would be on the other side of the soundless phone, the memories of him circled his mind like vultures.
Alucard is sitting right beside him, just like before, when things were simple, but Granger would be a fool to claim if things are back to what they used to be.
He hates this.
So distracted he was, he failed to notice Alucard wrapped an arm around his shoulder, the hold was comforting, but it wasn't as strong as his usual friendly gestures, there was this restraint in that arm that never existed before. Granger felt heaviness pulling his chest inwards, pulling him back into his shell - Did a semester apart change them this much?
"Hey." Granger blinked at the sudden rise in volume of that voice, somehow not surprised to see Alucard invading his personal space, somewhat relieved. Alucard shrugged and patted the edge of Granger's arm.
"This is nice, just you and me." Granger looked at him, Alucard's voice a magnet to his attention. Alucard tilted his head and grinned, completely unaware of his charm. "I missed hanging with you Granger."
"I miss my best friend." The lines of Alucard's eyes softened, the stars above reflected in his blue eyes.
There it was, that smile, the teeth clean despite his new vice, the happiness sincere, and the words were simple. Alucard's entire being manifested in that harmless smile. Granger felt roses blossom under his skin, along with it the thorns that hastily held them back from bursting to their full splendor.
No.
Don't make me fall for you.
Granger frowned and he carefully removed Alucard's arm from his shoulder as soon as he could, fearing his heartbeat would furiously tap against Alucard's sleeve. Alucard shrugged and simply took another cigarette from his pack, the last piece.
"You never change huh?" Alucard grinned, then stretched his arms and exhaled a breath, the air around them polluted of nicotine once again. "You're never for these kind of things, you're cruel, man. I think my heart cried just now." He pouted, even had the gall to sniff and he patted his chest to console his poor heart.
Granger had only one thing to say whenever Alucard turned into this melodramatic sap.
"Shut up."
Alucard guffawed and this time he looked at the stars. Granger was surprised at the insecurity that sprouted in his chest once the night sky took Alucard's attention away.
"You can just say you miss me you know, no harm in doing that. Guess I'm just dramatic as you've always told me." Alucard shrugged and he lit his cigarette again, obvious from his stance alone that he's used to this treatment.
Granger meanwhile threw away his own, the tobacco unlit, neglected. He couldn't bring himself to smoke to begin with, especially with such a distraction right next to him. He sighed, tired of it all, and he too looked at the stars.
I miss talking to you like this.
I miss you.
I miss us.
Granger swallowed those words, chained them to his throat before his tongue could form them. He tsked and scratched his head. He hated this feeling, he hated Alucard, and he hated himself the most.
"Granger... How are you?"
"What?"
An innocent question, but Granger was tongue tied, the urge to runaway was getting stronger, but he couldn't let this chance to be with him again go to waste.
"How you've been? You didn't come with me and Freya last week, I was looking for you." Alucard finally looked at him, the confusion that pooled in Alucard's eyes nearly tore Granger's heart, knowing he put them there himself.
"I tried to call you, did you change your number? I mean we don't hang out anymore, you avoid me at school too." Alucard frowned, Granger felt accused of bringing sadness to the world's most innocent person, and his heart crumbled, a frown doesn't belong on that face.
Granger grimaced, a reflex, and he looked away, overwhelmed. Was Alucard just as sad as he was? He'd always thought that leaving Alucard was for the best, he'd rather have him remember as a friend rather than this lovestruck freak. He didn't want this friendship he had with him to fall apart because of this stupid feeling, it'd be too painful for him to bear if Alucard knew. Letting Alucard linger in the dark was so easy, and leaving him much easier - or so he thought. He didn't expect how much he'd miss him. How his eyes looked for him everyday, searched for him in places where he thought he would, scraping the traces of him left behind. His memories of him his only solace.
It was torture seeing him from afar without him by his side.
"What did I do? What can I..." Alucard's arm was about to pull him close, but he retracted in uncertainty, shyly it returned to his side. Granger felt the distance between them doubled, he's just so far away and he could never reach him even if he wanted. Alucard was amongst the constellations above the atmosphere. Granger belonged in the dumpster, ready to be thrown away. He's not worthy of him, he knows.
He can't accept it. He's confused. He can't make sense of what's going on in his heart. His mind doesn't understand. He gave up on trying.
"We can work it out, I mean, I know you're an introvert and all but..." Alucard pursed his lips, and Granger felt weak that he stared at that action too long, convinced himself he's anticipated his words, not the temptation of those velvet lips. "You're still my best friend."
A punch to the gut, but the kind that woke him to what is in front of him - Reality - Something he forced himself to accept after countless hours of debating with his heart.
"Still?" Granger uttered, uncertain of Alucard's words.
"Yeah still." Alucard nodded, and the smile that Granger adored returned to that face. "No one can replace you man."
A swarm of butterflies erupted in Granger's chest, spreading throughout his veins, nearly made him lose control of his body, the assurance that he still has a place in Alucard's world despite being gone from his life for so long meant so much for his existence.
Damn you for being so kind, for being patient, for being you. How do you put up with me?
It's your fault I turned this way. My chest goes crazy when I'm with you. My mind goes blank when I'm without you.
I hate that I love you like this. I couldn't fight it anymore. You win.
But you're an idiot who broke so many hearts, I've seen so many cry because of you. How long will it take until you break mine if I gave myself to you?
Those words will never reach Alucard. His pride won't allow it.
But he has always been a fool for him, hasn't he?
"I'm sorry." Granger sighed and patted his thighs with his hands, this honesty, this raw unraveling of hidden words, it was a regular occurrence between them before, and he had to compose himself before the whispers of his heart will escape his mouth. "I just got busy. We got busy, you know that."
Alucard nodded, his narrowed eyes stared at the ground. He swallowed thickly and he gripped his knees. "I'm sorry too. I really am Granger, I..." His voice became frail, nearly drowned in the silence.
Granger looked at Alucard again, it seemed he's apologizing for a different reason. Granger has known him ever since they were kids, and it's almost too easy how he can easily read Alucard. Admittedly, not as good as before, sadly the person beside him was slowly becoming a stranger the longer they were apart. The sincerity in his words had him doubt if this was the same Alucard he grew up with. Alucard is not one to lie, but he's not sincere enough to expose himself like this. To be vulnerable. It will take much more than this to completely break Alucard, Granger knows.
"I..." Alucard licked his lips and unknowingly he lured Granger's eyes to his, his allure too great, Granger was helpless like a moth to a lamp. Just as helpless as those who fell in love with him before. He's not so different from those lovestruck fools.
Alucard's visage changed, his eyes focused, entranced, and Granger never saw that expression before, it paralyzed his body in this space and time. The subtle tension in the air grew heavy, it pinned them both here, both of them unable to move away.
Alucard was silent, he never was a man of words despite being a smooth talker, Granger exhaled a breath when a hand cradled his cheek, his legs wanted to stand and run away when Alucard was a breath away from his lips.
A moment's hesitation, then two lips meet each other for the first time.
Granger didn't expect his best friend of eight years to kiss him, but it's not unwelcome. All of his doubts washed away, his insecurities evaporated in the cool night air at the touch. His heart pleaded to his conscience to let him have this. To let Alucard be his mistake. Just once, let him be selfish. Let him have this.
The kiss lasted as long as the tick of the clock, a kiss on a whim, impulsive, quick as a meteor on the night sky. It ended with a resounding pop, and Alucard brusquely pulled back and distanced himself from the brunette. Granger leant back and licked his lips, the smell of smoke and tobacco made a new home in his mouth, it was proof enough that Alucard's lips touched his, the shadow of it lingered on his own. A brand that won't go away.
He was his first kiss...
"Granger.... I... I'm sorry."
And his last too...