I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have pretended that I would be okay. I was not ready to tell my story and most definitely not to a large group of people. I had been weak. I had been over-confident, traits that were useless, dangerous.
I hoped that I would be left alone, that I would be allowed to cry and vent my emotions without witness, but like the last time I had disappeared into the trees, I had been followed.
"Leave me alone" I called out behind me
I didn't care who it was, I needed breathing space
"I'm proud of you" Ronan spoke softly towards me
"Don't be" I shot back, leaning my hands against a thick tree
"Talking about it, it helps"
"I said leave me alone Ronan" I growled, turning to face him as my eyes stung, forcing back tears
Ronan's face fell, but this time I didn't feel bad. He didn't understand, he couldn't
"You shouldn't be out here alone"
"Ronan" I warned, gritting my teeth
Slowly, he nodded and with another sympathetic smile and glance, he strolled off out of sight. The moment he was gone tears began to fall. I had broken.
I turned back to the tree and leaned my forehead against it, my throat dry and my lungs constricted. Moisture tickled against my cheeks as I held back sobs and gasps. I could no longer control my loss of Leo, I could no longer ignore the fact I had cost my brother his life. I had been selfish, I had been ignorant, but most of all, I had gotten my own brother killed. It was my fault and I could never forgive myself.
I didn't know how long I had been weeping. I had allowed it out, and it had made me feel both better and worse. I sat on the ground, twigs and rocks bending into my legs and thighs. I sniffled and wiped my face clean with the backs of my hands. My eyes were heavy, my lungs tight.
I wanted to fall asleep right where I sat, curled into a ball as I clutched my knees for warmth. I couldn't face returning to the crowd, I couldn't face the questions and the half fake sympathy I'd receive. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want the weakness of it, so I remained still, silent and recovering from my little episode all the while hoping sleep would take me. My eyes drifted, but before I could allow it to swoop me up, a crunch of leaves sounded from behind me. When I shook my head and woke myself up, I realised the sound had come from the opposite direction of the camp site.
Someone was close, too close, someone that shouldn't have been so close. I was quickly wide awake as I slowly leaned up, getting to my feet. For once in my life I had left my bow and arrows behind, all I held was a knife. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, but I squinted out of habit to catch sight of the noise. The crunch of sticks and stones became closer, seconds later I began to see a figure, a figure that wasn't human. It was a creature.
I leaned forward, silently pulling my knife out of place. I wasn't going to let this Creature near the camp, I was going to take my emotions out on it. I was going to kill it. I moved forward between trees, using them as cover as I kept low.
The closer I crawled to the Creature, the more I could make its features out. It was male, teenager, its teeth snapping and snarling, but that wasn't what caught my attention. The Creature stumbled, its leg half hanging off. It was broken, much like I was inside.
I wanted to feel sorry for it, but I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't like me anymore, it was demonic, it was evil and if I had stood up it would have killed me without second thought. The fact that I couldn't see its human soul eased me a little, Arrow was still within me.
I crept forward until I was about two meters from it. I could smell its dead flesh, I could feel its cold aura. I was going to remove it from the earth, I was going to end the evolution of life it had.
My grip on the knife adjusted, readying for the lunge I would make towards him.
I was ready, my eyes firm and focused, I stepped forward balancing on my toes, and then without warning someone grabbed me.
I struggled, kicking and throwing my arms around, my hand thrusting my knife at the culprit. A hand wrapped around my mouth pulling me down hard on the ground. At first I had assumed it to be another Creature, but when I was forced down on my back, a body straddling me, my eyes meet the face staring back at me. He pressed his finger over his lips, attempting to hush me. His eyes were wide, his expression stern. I continued to fight, but his grip on my wrists were far too strong for me to escape. I wriggled again one more time, my knife accidentally pulling back in my grip with one fierce swipe.
I hadn't intended to hurt him, but the second the steel of my weapon sliced through his forearm, regret washed through me. He hissed out as my knife dropped to the ground. Instantly I stopped moving, lying still as he ran his eyes over the clean slice I'd inflicted upon his skin. I waited for him to hit me, to lash out in return and lose his temper, but instead he peered over the area where the Creature was, his strength remaining to hold me down.
I paused, breathing heavy, my eyes puffy, my guilt raised. Blood dripped down his arm, the drops landing in the middle of my jacket. I contemplated wriggling, I contemplated screaming, but it would only create more of a mess. Instead of working against him, I settled down to avoid further harm.
It was quiet, extremely quiet and a minute later, Jesse's eyes returned to me, then in between me and his injury. The one I caused. He sighed and the pressure on my wrists slowly eased before he removed himself from me.
Keeping my eyes on the roof of the trees and a hint of the stars, I sighed
"You're being reckless" Jesse grumbled
"Being reckless is allowing that Creature to stroll into the camp" I mumbled back
"He's injured, he won't make it to the camp" He sat against a tree, bleeding
I sat up on my elbows and narrowed my eyes "What are you doing following me again?"
"You've been gone for nearly two hours, your boyfriend fell asleep instead of watching you"
I scoffed and watched him shake his arm, spraying blood on the leaves and ground beneath him.
Again, guilt ran through me.
I pushed myself up and avoided looking at the knife that was now soaked in Jesse's blood. My eyes were on his wound, still dripping as I moved in front of him. Responsibility fell on me. I had done this to him, I needed to fix it.
I reached out with my hand and pulled his arm towards me. His skin was cold, his blood warm against my fingertips.
I assessed the damage.
A clean slice went from the outside of his wrist to the middle of his inner arm. Blood seeped out. I pulled my jacket off and leaned forward to apply pressure, but he pulled away
"You need that jacket" He remarked
"And you need that arm.." I snapped back "I need to stop the bleeding" I told him with a sigh, grabbing at his arm again
"I'm sorry, is this not what you wanted?" He quipped, tilting his head
"You're the one who jumped me" I excused, pulling his arm on top of my leg, forcing the fabric of my jacket into his skin. He didn't flinch, he barely blinked
"Because you were being impulsive"
"I would have put him out of his misery"
Jesse continued to stare at me, his head sideways as though he studied me
"You shouldn't have spoken out there before you know?" He replied, changing the subject
"No?"
"No"
I looked towards him "And why is that?"
He shook his head "You weren't ready"
"How do you know?" I scoffed
"Because you're out here, trying to kill Creatures out of emotional release"
He was right. He was always right
"Talking about it, it helps" I repeated Ronan's words
Jesse didn't speak, he just stared
His silence angered me. I wanted to argue with him about it. I wanted to contest the idea of him assuming he knew me and what was best for me. I rolled my eyes and sighed, continuing to press hard into his wound
"We should get back, Mason can fix this" I sighed, lifting my head to see the Creature stumbling off in the opposite direction
"Mason?" Jesse groaned
"Yes, Mason" I snapped "I know you hate everyone but this won't fix itself"
I stood, brushing the leaves off of my jeans. Jesse followed, blood dripping down his arm the moment I had let go of the pressure.
"Keep this on it" I urged, shoving my bloody jacket towards his chest.
It took me about an hour to force Jesse to see Mason who was asleep, like most of the others. Mason seemed displeased that he had been woken up by none other than Jesse, but completely pleased that his wound had been at the hands of me. Luckily, my swing hadn't sliced too deep and Jesse hadn't needed stitches. Mason simply cleaned the wound and wrapped it tightly in bandage. It hadn't taken long, which I was happy about, I was exhausted.
By midnight, I had returned to my log and fallen asleep. I didn't bother looking at the others, I didn't bother looking at Jesse, I simply couldn't afford the distraction.
When morning broke, I could hear the loud chatter around me. When I awoke completely, I could see the others were all packed and ready to go. They stood in groups, talking amongst themselves as I noticed Jesse, Ronan, Jaxon and Peter talking in the far distance. I stood and wandered towards them, tossing my backpack over my shoulder with the bow and arrows
"We just have to be watchful..." Jaxon instructed, his face serious
"They are going to be looking for us, even now" Peter nodded
"I thought that was what we were waiting for last night, for them to leave" Ronan seemed confused as he folded his arms over his chest
"It was" I joined "They would have had every man out looking, but now, they'll be tired, back at the prison sleeping it off, but, that doesn't mean they'll call the search off entirely, they'll still be looking for us" I told Ronan
"Shaun is going to be pissed" Jaxon agreed, a small smile beckoning his lips
"That's why we have to be careful" Peter told him seriously. This was a serious matter, if Shaun and his crew found us they could very easily just decide to off each and every one of us. There would be a blood-bath.
"We should get moving then, it isn't just Shaun's group we have to worry about" Jesse spoke his first words "There are still creatures out there, and judging by the weather, we've got a lot working against us right now" He sighed as I looked upwards.
Through the trees, I could in fact see what he was talking about. The weather was not kind, dark clouds rolled across one another, not a single hint of blue beneath. This of course meant creatures would be more inclined to roam the streets, the absence of the sun the perfect opportunity to engorge themselves in human flesh.
Peter hustled the large group together, repeated the rules and informed them of our travel arrangements. The people travelling with us needed to know the full extent and dangers of what we were about to endure. Cold air wisping around us told them we were in no means over-dramatizing things which seemed to make it easier for them to understand.
Like before, there were set people to be placed at certain points of the group for safety measures. Groups were determined by strength and abilities, and for once, I was at the front with Peter, Jesse Jaxon and Ronan. We were what he liked to classify as the 'strongest' and the 'quickest' to react with not just our own wellbeing on the line.
At about 10 in the morning, we began our journey. We were heading towards the survivor camp in Canada, there, we had no idea what to expect – like every other day ahead of us
"How are you going to cope when we reach the camp?" Ronan asked me as we walked alongside each other through the thick shrubbery and greenery
"What do you mean?" I questioned
"Well, you hate people right? You know when we reach this camp there could potentially be thousands of them there"
I sighed "I don't hate people, I just... I find it hard to be around them when there are emotions involved"
"That's the entire purpose of being around people" He shrugged
"I know that Ronan"
Silence pursued, but not for long. I could feel Ronan's eyes on me, quick flutters of his mind saying something, but his mouth to frightened to speak it
"Look... about last night..." He finally allowed it out
I shook my head "I shouldn't have said anything"
"No, it was brave, it was a good first step" He nodded, watching me
I was then acutely aware that a pair of eyes and ears were on me and the conversation being had, only they did not belong to Ronan
"A good first step? Is that what you call it?" I scoffed
I had regretted opening my mouth last night. Ronan was wrong, Jesse was right. I hadn't been ready to bare my soul to those people, to those complete strangers, I was kidding myself to think I could tell them my story, a story that each time remembered, broke my heart and spirit all over again
"You need to let it all out" Ronan continued, assuming himself to know
"No, I actually don't" I snapped back "No one needs to know my 'story', no one needs to understand what happened and when I do decide to tell all, it will be when exactly that, I decide to tell all" I told him forcefully "Not when other people feel as though I need to"
Ronan stared at me, at first unsure, and then his face relaxed, a smile emerging "Well, I'm sorry if you felt that I pushed you, I just don't like seeing you mope around because you feel you can't trust us enough to let it out"
His choice of sentence didn't sit right with me
"It's not that I don't trust you" I argued "You aren't getting the point here"
His smile vanished at my frustration
"No, I guess I'm not getting the point here then"
"It doesn't matter" I sighed, giving up
"Feel free to explain it" Ronan tried
"I'm not going to explain it to you" I shot
Ronan seemed to give up, turning his head in the opposite direction, sniffling as though he was growing frustrated.
We walked in silence, and the eyes and ears behind me, seemed to drift off. The quieter I was, the easier it was for me to concentrate on where we were going. I focused on the noises around us, I focused on the distance ahead. Thunder rolled above us for the next two hours, and the further we drifted onto the highway, the more nervous I became. We were out in the open, no protection from the sun with a rebellious team of lunatics after us.
Hour along hour, I grew wary, and so was Peter. I wasn't sure if the others had caught on, but the wind was picking up, swishing around cold air. Cold air was never a good sign. The moment I felt myself shiver, Peter looked towards me, his eyebrows raised as I looked to him. It was a speechless glance that told me he knew exactly what my bodily reaction had meant. Creatures were near.
The highway was long, wide and quiet, and after a while, it felt as though we were walking in an infinite loop, a video set on repeat. Continuous chatter filled my ears, although I zoned most of it out, concentrating on anything other than their casual conversation, it was hard to ignore. After allowing some of my emotions back in, it was hard to keep uninterested in what the others were talking about. Ronan kept quiet, so did Jesse. Peter and Jaxon held words, talking about their next moves and plans, and that was something I wanted to be listening too
"We need to find somewhere to camp" Peter spoke sometime in the afternoon
"We have plenty of daylight left" Ronan argued "We should go as far as we can"
"I can't see daylight, all I see is rolling clouds and darkness" Jaxon told him dramatically, yet dramatically true
"Peter is right" I spoke out "It's getting cold and it's going to rain soon"
Ronan looked towards me "Where is your jacket?"
I forced myself not to look at Jesse and shrugged
"Here" He mumbled, shrugging his own off
I began to shake my head, but before I could object, it was draped over my shoulders. I was aware that Jesse had scoffed, Ronan shooting him a dagger with his fierce gaze.
War would soon start. War I did not want to be involved in
"When we find somewhere suitable, we will retire for the night" Peter told us, final.
"Are you still mad at me?" Ronan began again, standing beside me
I sighed "I'm not angry at you"
Ronan looked sideways at me "Are you sure about that?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but someone moved beside me, cutting me off.
It was Mason
"Hey you" He smiled
"Hey" I replied, Mason on one side, Ronan on the other
"How are you going?" He asked, his shoulder grazing against my own
"Fine" I mumbled, feeling awkward inside the sandwich
"You didn't sleep too much, did you?"
I shrugged "I slept fine"
"You're asking her about her sleeping habits?" Ronan suddenly crossed his eyebrows angling his head so he was looking at Mason
"I'm sorry, I didn't even notice you there" Mason retorted, tension brewing "And yes, I'm asking her about her sleeping habits" He smiled, nodding
Ronan scoffed "Why?"
Mason rolled his eyes "Because she woke me up late last night"
His sentence made it sound worse than it was.
Ronan was now looking towards me, an eyebrow raised suggestively
"I'm really good at causing trouble" I told him, only making it worse
He furthered his glare, Mason now supressing a laugh
I rolled my eyes, but kept my mouth shut
Mason was pleased, Ronan displeased, I'd caused enough tension.
Jaxon popped his head through our bubble, a smile plastered on his features
"Just so you both know she's already taken"
"What are you talking about?" I instantly looked to him, both Ronan and Mason's faces changing drastically
"I know girls like Arrow" He began, winking at me as he draped one arm around my shoulders, the other around Ronan's, his head beside ours
"They don't flirt and react the way other girls do around guys they like, they do things differently.."
"Oh please, enlighten me" I snapped back
"Arrow is tough, she's been through some shit, she can defend herself, she's independent, physically she doesn't need a man, but mentally she needs a challenge, she's going to play hard to get, she's going to pretend she doesn't like you, she's going to be a smartass, she's going to avoid you and she may even inflict pain on you, 'unintentionally' just to see if you'll stick around and keep up.." He smiled, his eyes narrow as he explained himself
I rolled my eyes "you're wrong"
"Am I?" Jaxon quirked his eyebrow at me, whipping his head around behind us "Hey Jesse" He chirped, spinning his body around,
Jesse grumbled in response
"What happened to your arm there?" He asked his cousin proudly
For reasons unknown, my body became tense, my eyes remaining forward as a building in the distance became the focus of my attention
I didn't hear Jesse respond, either telling me he was ignoring Jaxon, giving him a death glare, or shrugging him off
"Because a little bird told me, someone cut you.. 'unintentionally'" Jaxon continued, using air quotes
"Your little bird should learn to keep its beak shut" Jesse remarked back, a response I approved of
Jaxon decided to continue, returning himself to Ronan's side "Want to know why Arrow isn't wearing her jacket?" He whispered
Ronan was completely interested, nodding slowly
"Because it's got Jesse's blood all over it" Jaxon whispered, catching Mason's full attention as I grew agitated
Ronan's eyes were on me, dripping with judgement, and before he could ask me about it, I removed myself from the situation, walking alongside Peter.
"There's a building up there" I told him, Jaxon still whispering to the boys behind me, stirring the pot
"It's looking good" Peter agreed
From the corner of my eye, I could see Peter looking at me, a small smile in place
"What?" I questioned him
"You have the boys on edge.." He stifled a laugh
I shook my head "it's exhausting"
He then let out a small laugh
"Jaxon is bored, he likes to create chaos when he's bored"
He smiled "You remind me of my daughter.."
I didn't speak, I didn't want to ask if his daughter was dead or alive, because chances were she was either dead or a Creature.
"Her name was Amelia" He continued, the 'was' giving me my answer
"It's a pretty name" I mumbled looking in between him and the distance
"She was a pretty girl, again, like you" He spoke, his voice delicate, sorrowful
"I wouldn't exactly describe myself as that.." I told him
"You doubt yourself too much, Amelia was the same. She had boys chasing after her, which had me chasing them.." He laughed, shaking his head "She wasn't interested in them, much like you, but that didn't deter them, they took it as a challenge.."
"Did she ever waiver?" I asked
"When she met the right one.." He nodded
"That's where we are different, your daughter and I.. I can't waiver"
Peter was smiling, from one side of his cheek to the other as he nodded and mumbled 'Mhm' as though he was holding back what he was genuinely thinking