"Ethan." I stop my ex-husband before he leaves, my hand wavering on his shoulder in hopes that maybe he'll stay. But did I want him to stay? He'd hurt me so many times, each time there was me hoping it was the last. But it never was. "This is the third night in a row that you've come over, now."
He chuckles over his shoulder and turns so he can look at me. "Don't worry, I'm not making it permanent."
I laughed back softly to cover the slight squeeze that I felt in my chest. "Drive safe."
I gripped the door as I watched Ethan pull out of the driveway, my knuckles turning white until I could no longer feel my fingers.
Every night that I've watched him drive away, I've had to remind myself that I'm simply just craving another's affection and it's not necessarily Ethan that's brewing these emotions.
But the last few days that he's been here, it's been easy to fall back into what we used to have.
It's doesn't feel rushed or forced. It feels like he never left.
My body craves affection when he's around only because he's familiar. Not because I miss him.
At least thats what I tell myself.
~~~~
The following night Ethan didn't come around and knock on the door like I was expecting him to. He didn't pull up in his jeep and honk the horn before gliding right into my open front door.
He didn't pick up Noah in his arms and spin him around and get yelled at by me, claiming that he would drop him.
He didn't do any of those things.
Because he didn't show up at all.
A small part of me was hoping he would come just because I feel less lonely when I have someone to talk to, but at the same time, we weren't together anymore. I didn't expect him to stop by every night to see his son and his ex-wife, who only dressed up because she thinks she has to impress him.
There were times when I wished I didn't care about him as much as I do.
But sometimes it's hard to get rid of memories even when they're no longer needed.
Especially with Ethan, I can't remember a time that I wasn't happy during the first year of our relationship.
It reminded me of our first date when Ethan dragged me to his little cousins birthday party at the local skate rink.
I was so terrible at skating at the time having never done it before so you could say I was all kinds of nervous.
I held onto Ethan the entire night, my nerves never calming because every second I was worried I was gonna fall, even though Ethan told me I wouldn't.
I was actually having fun until the last song of the night came on and Ethan grabbed my hand, telling me he would be right behind me.
I was doing good going around by myself, Ethan only holding my waist, until I accidentally pulled his arm too hard and he stumbled backward causing me to fall on top of him.
We laid there for a few minutes just laughing uncontrollably and Ethan told me it the best first date he had ever been on and even though his cousin and all his friends were watching, I leaned down and kissed him.
A week after Ethan was still talking about how funny our fall was and how my knees were still bruised and I knew I was gonna fall so hard for him again one day, knowing I was well on my way.
I have so many wonderful memories of our first year that bring back so many good feelings that I don't want to ever lose.
It would be a shame if all that wasted by the version of himself now.
Surprisingly over the last few days, he had cleaned up his act and it was almost as if he kinda cared about his son now. Hopefully he wouldn't ruin it.
I didn't need Noah getting emotionally scarred over and over again. It's hard enough keeping this secret about his dad away from him.
It wasn't until Thursday evening that I received an unnerving text message from the man himself.