Now that you live my chest, anywhere we sit is a mountain top. -Rumi
Two weeks, I had not shed a single tear and I was proud of myself. I ate with my siblings but stayed in my room more. Staring into space, or sleeping myself into a limbo.
I was trapped in the cave of memories, imaginations, pain, and darkness. There was no way to get out. I searched for different ways, there were none. The cave was becoming smaller with each passing day and I was suffocated and unable to breathe.
I prayed and offered Namaz as I did before, I listened to lectures from the Quran in my phone or I listened to the audio Qur'an to make myself feel a bit closer to Allah and I did feel close to him.
"A book which we have revealed to, that might bring mankind out of the darkness."
I was reciting the ayah, repetitively, trying to feel nothing but hope. It was from Surah Ibrahim. It gave me a tiny light of hope. Allah had helped me in all the situations, I have survived my life, a loveless life, then he bestowed me with loving people, and people who didn't care before started to care too. I was hoping for something good, I was hopeful that I would get something too.
In the useless routine, it was the only thing that made me feel alive. Sometimes, I zoned out in my Namaz, thinking about all the depressing thoughts, staring at the design on my praying rug. Then, I had to offer it again and at that time with extra attention and care.
Papa was busy again, I rarely saw him and if I did, it was in the morning because he had been late for work. He was sweet as always but he didn't have time for me as always. I was used to him being sweet and far-off. I was never affected by his behavior but these days it stung as if someone was pinning my heart with needles.
Every day, Sky came straight to my room and asked me questions about the person, whose name upon hearing my heart jolted like a wild animal and my stomach dropped as if thrown from the thirteenth floor of a building.
Today she was here again, paining me with her questions, unaware that she was shattering my heart, giving me deep cuts.
"What the hell happened Musca?" She always said my name when she was gravely serious. "Why did you leave? What happened to Aaliyan?"
I bit my lip harshly - controlling my overwhelming as my tears fell on the dead soil of my heart because I wouldn't let them fall out of my eyes.
She shook me violently. "Tell me! Else I swear to God I will call him and ask!"
"You won't do that!" It came out as a shocked whisper than a threat.
"I will and you know it."
"Don't you have anything to do with your stethoscope? Have doctors these days stopped working and started putting their nose in other's businesses?"
"Yes," she said carelessly. "Now tell me!"
"He is my cousin."
She raised her eyes for me to continue.
"He is my cousin, did you listen?"
"So what, I don't care and I already know it, tell me what happened." She took the pillow and put it in her lap, gripping it tightly, oblivious to my surprise.
"How?"
"Because he told me?" she shrugged, putting her lower lip out.
"When?" I gritted my teeth, he told her and not me. Stupid egoistic alien!
"When he was here duh!" Sky was getting irritated.
"What!" I could have sworn the birds nearby flew away listening to my ear-shattering scream.
"Oh my god Dex," Sky rubbed her ears with her fingers. "Why are you shouting?"
"Aaliyan Haider was here? My cousin Aaliyan Haider?" I was inquiring in utter stun.
"Yes," she shouted irritated. "He was here."
"When?"
"In... I think in Nov... before Christmas...yes, November."
When Aaliyan had disappeared for a month, he had gone to America. My mouth opened in stun, my heart hammering against my chest, though I had stopped breathing entirely.
"How many days did he stay?" I asked in a trance.
"About twenty-five days, um did you not know this?" Confusion flickered in her blue eyes.
I shook my head, in constant bafflement.
Sky was suddenly excited, as she jumped a little and sat cross-legged before me. "Damn, you should have known this. Why did he not tell you?"
He was fearful. I might have killed him if he revealed that too. Meeting my strict father, who didn't like her children getting into relationships? I couldn't imagine how would I have reacted to that. I might have thrown Aaliyan from the hills he so loved.
My mouth was not closing and my eyes were tearing because of opening them so wide.
"Oh my god, Dex it was so romantic and cute."
"What?" I wasn't getting a word she said.
"Okay let me tell you from the start."
I nodded.
"It was the day when papa was interviewing with his board of directors for a new director manager and a new assistant for him, you know how papa is, he changes assistants like he changes clothes." Sky wrinkled her upright nose, the same as mine.
I bit my lip in curiosity, I was restless and impatient, and her extra detailing was killing me. "Come to the point."
"Aaliyan came to the interview and applied. Papa recognized him because Papa saw him when he was a child or he knew his father or something. Papa hired him as his manager director because well he was eligible." She smiled, staring into my eyes for a reaction.
I gritted my teeth at her pauses, "I'll break your nose you if you stop one more time."
"Oh, okay...he had applied to get papa's attention. Papa invited him to dinner and Aaliyan arrived, and his confidence gosh, no one has shown that confidence in front of papa the way he did, he simply stated that 'I'm in love with your daughter and I want to marry her' and you know..."
"He said this?" My heart was thumping like a drum. "Papa? What was papa's reaction?"
"Yeah, and papa went all how dare you and stuff. You know how protective he is. He accused Aaliyan of doing it for his money and then...wow with a class...Aaliyan took three envelops out of his coat. He threw them on the table and said," Sky was talking as if she was in theatre performing Shakespeare.
"'The first envelope has a contract that I will never try to take money from you or your daughter in any way else you can sue me in an American court. The second envelope has the details of my American nationality, I'm not doing it for a green card. The third envelope is the statement of your ex-wife, my aunt, that I have her consent in marrying her daughter Musca. I love Musca, I don't have any papers to prove it but I can prove it any way you want.'"
My mouth was wide open as Sky mimicked Aaliyan.
"Papa is evil obviously. He found a loophole in his words, and asked him to resign and be his assistant for a month and if after a month Aaliyan was successful to prove his love for you, he may marry you."
"What?" I shook my head, knowing my father might have lashed Aaliyan and hit him with a hunter. "Wha...what did papa made him do?"
"Yeah, it was horrible," Sky's voice was pitiful. "Sleeping with horses in the stable and eating sick food, ew," Sky's face scrunched up as she shivered in disgust. "Well, papa also made him suffer in his office, insulted him wherever and whenever he wanted. Papa dismissed the servants for a month and Aaliyan did everything. That bitch Grayson laughed at Aaliyan all the time, I pitied him. But, amazingly, that guy, he is a hero."
"Why?"I bit my tongue, staring at her excitement. I could feel the agony Aaliyan might have felt. "When I talked to him he was in a bedroom and looked fine to me."
"Oh, that guy is a lizard too," she giggled. "He climbed the walls. I mean who climbs twenty feet high walls. Well he did and sat in this room whenever he needed to talk to you, but of course he is a gentleman too, he asked for my permission before climbing here."
"Aaliyan sat in this room while talking to me?" I was stunned, my eyes roamed around my room. He had been here, on my bed, in my house, in my father's office, for me. The fluttering of my heart and my sudden cold body were making my head twirl.
"He did everything on time, and whatever he made, damn, delicious, the house was as clean as it had never been, that guy has OCD," Sky laughed, I nodded, a small smile tugged at my lips.
"In the office, he was as good as he was here, he won deals that papa had long lost, he had connections and weirdly he had power too, then...when the month was ending papa offered him a job. Aaliyan rejected it, saying he came here for you, not for a job then he also satisfied papa with how he had enough money to afford you..." Sky giggled. "I mean afford your expenses."
"Is that all true?" I couldn't believe my ears, it felt like a manuscript of a movie.
"Hmmm." Sky nodded at me, with a huge grin.
"What did papa say?" I still didn't have my answer.
"He said...whatever you decide would be papa's decision. He'd never agree but Aaliyan was the best assistant he ever got, he fell in love with the guy."
"Really?" I was skeptical. Papa and okay with someone pursuing his daughters? Nah.
"Yeah, of course, he warned him to stay away from you physically..." Sky rolled her blue eyes. "And that guy blushed so redly that papa laughed."
Even though I wanted to weep in agony, I could not help the smile that spread on my lips. "I can imagine that."
"He became best friends with Prince by the way."
"Is it?" I raised my eyebrows. Prince didn't like anyone other than me and John.
"Hm, though he got kicked by Prince and Prince threw him a few times, but then Aaliyan tamed him."
That man!
"Hey! You haven't told me what happened?"
I stayed silent for a while. Letting the emotions surging through my veins being controlled by my mind, but I was failing. Horribly.
Shy grabbed my shoulders and shook me repeating her question. "Tell me!"
"I lost him Sky," After two weeks, two tears left my eyes, making way for millions of others like them. I was becoming hysterical from overwhelmed.
"I lost Aaliyan."
***
Coming few weeks were spent in the anguish I felt under my skin and the salty water that my eyes shed. I lost count of days. I cried in the feeling of losing, in the feeling of worthlessness, in the feeling of distress, in the feeling of self-loath, in the feeling of fury.
The voices inside my head told me things I didn't want to hear. They told me to grab a knife and cut my wrist. Those voices told me I didn't deserve anything not even a life.
Sky had told papa to make appointments with some therapists for me. I couldn't care less.
When I sat before a therapist, I kept my mouth shut. I let them talk but I never said anything in reply. Then, the other week, some other therapists would be dealing with me, and I still kept my mouth shut.
I couldn't describe in words what I felt. Telling them that I felt earthworms crawling on my skin would only make them think I had some weird mental disorder but I wasn't ill. I was...
I was... and I had no words to describe whatever it was, my mind state or the feelings of reptiles crawling on my skin and snakes under my skin.
I wanted to claw my skin, I wanted to become ashes, the wind to take away from me. I wanted to decompose and fade away in the air. It was impossible to bear the grief.
Sky to cheer me up, dragged me with her to The Grove Shopping Centre, where she shopped for almost two hours. It was lively, full of beautiful lights and energetic with loud chatters but my gloom was unwavering and my stupid emotions didn't peter out for even a second.
When she was finally done she was hungry. We both went to a nearby restaurant. It was posh, and the setting was rich, it was lit with yellow lights and spoke of luxury and style. Sky and I were led to a table.
We chatted about Grey's love life. He was involved with a business rival these days. Not only it was news to me but it was exciting news. I had never thought he would get involved with a rival.
Sky shut her mouth when my phone ranged. It was Ghazi's call. I smiled and picked up.
"Musca," he had all the happiness in his voice.
"Ghazi, oh, I miss you so much," I whispered in the phone in Urdu, my lower lip quivering as I controlled myself not to cry.
"Are you okay?" Ghazi's voice was filled with worry.
"I'm fine, I'm good, how are you?"
"I am sad, everyone is." he sounded distressed. I felt a pang in my heart
"I'm sad too," I mumbled, praying that my face is not the epitome of my inner feelings for Sky to see.
"Let's fact time?" Ghazi asked. I called him on facetime.
"Why do you look sick?" as soon as he appeared on the phone screen he mocked me.
"I didn't do makeup." I was grinning instead of being annoyed.
"Yeah, no wonder that's why." He nodded, hiding his smile. "But are you okay like seriously?"
"I'm fine." I tried to sound cheerful, forcefully smiling. "How's Mami, Asmat Uncle?"
A shadow passed over his face. "Won't you ask about Bhai?" He asked sadly. My heartbeat stopped and my breathing too.
"Uh, um Ghazi I think I should um, let's talk some other time?"
Panicking, I didn't wait for his answer and disconnected. Aaliyan Haider was the last thing I wanted to talk about, I only wanted to think about him...
I let out a shaky breath and stared up and met Sky's sharp stare.
***
The other day, Sky sent me to one of her therapist friends, Steve. I was furious at Sky. I couldn't explain to her that I didn't need any of those therapists who spoke like I was a kindergartener and they were my teachers.
Sky's friend wasn't different. He started by talking about how life was a beautiful gift and we had to cherish it. I decorated a smile on my face and kept nodding at him.
I didn't tell him that I was a student of the Qur'an and I knew better about how life was a gift and how we had to spend it. I knew life better than anyone did.
I had seen the dark and the bright both sides of life. I had always tried to be happy and ignored all the darkness around me. I had always searched for better in the worst. I had never left the hand of hope.
What was he telling me? I thought I should have given him a lecture on what life was then he gave me one.
"Do you want to talk?" He was asking, he was a handsome black guy with short curly hair, and a dimple appeared on his cheek when he smiled at me.
I stared at his dimple for a while and then shook my head. A knot formed in my stomach making me nauseous.
"Anything at all?"
I again shook my head.
"You need to open up."
"I'm okay."
"If you were okay you wouldn't look so un-okay." he smiled politely at me. "We want to help."
"What can you do?" I laughed to forget the sudden stinging in my heart, the sting was present there yet the hollowness of my chest didn't go away.
"We can do whatever you need."
I smiled a wounded smile. "Can you bring Aaliyan Haider back?" My throat constricted. "Can you?"
The therapist squinted at me with confusion. I chuckled humorlessly. "Stop asking me the question! You cannot bring him here. No one can. Not even the entire money in the world can. I lost him." A tear slid down on my right cheek, suddenly I felt a severe throbbing in my left temple. "I lost him to never get him back."
The pain was unbearable.
I looked up as he observed me, trying to get a conclusion out of my words. I gave it to him myself. "I miss him. He will marry her. He will marry her and no one can do anything."
I stood up, the knot in my stomach tightening. I took my phone out, texting Sky that I was leaving. I walked out, with my trembling legs, closing the door behind me.
The throbbing in my head was so unbearable that my head spun. I was seeing black as I walked towards the elevator. Just when I heard the sound of the elevator opening, I experienced the earth beneath me shake as I experienced falling off a cliff.
***
My hand was in a warm one.
The light was disturbing me, I peeked and closed my eyes not being able to adjust to it. My arm had a familiar stinging sensation and my bones were aching so much, it felt like they were being crushed with a mortar. I was weak to move my hand. I tried to open my eyes again, I couldn't.
My lips and mouth were dry. I opened my mouth to talk to the person who held my hand but no voice came out.
"Musca," it was Papa's voice.
"Close the lights..." It was my forced whisper. "Water..."
The sound of the tick of a button was heard as the lights turned off. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times to adjust to the light coming from the window. It was early morning.
I, with difficulty, sat up as papa set the pillows behind me. Then, he took a glass of water from the bedside table and held it for me to drink. I took a few sips and he put the glass back.
"How are you feeling?"
"Pain," I whispered, seeing I was in my room.
"Should I call the doctor?" I looked up at him, he was leaner than he was when I last saw him.
I shook my head and flicked my tongue over my dry lips. "What happened to me again?" I tried to smile.
"Low blood sugar, low blood pressure, and dehydration, you were not eating anything Musca, I didn't expect that from you." He complained, disappointment gleaming in his silver-grey eyes.
I lowered my head, my throat tightening. "I don't feel hungry." I took a deep sigh. "Where's Sky?"
"Gone to the hospital, you should take care of yourself." He sounded hurt, his eyes becoming watery.
"I'm fine," I tried to convince.
The door opened and a maid entered with a tray, the tray had a glass filled with grape's juice. I smiled bitterly, thinking of someone who loved grape's juice.
Papa took the glass from the tray and put it on my lips. I had a few sips as my heart ached. The tears were fast to accumulate in my eyes and flow down my cheeks.
"What has happened?" Papa was restless as he shook his head and put the glass on the bedside table. "Tell me."
The maid left the room silently as my eyes fixed on the bookshelf stuck to the wall. Thousands of distressing thoughts sailed through my mind, burning my blood as my head throbbed with pain.
"So much has happened." My voice cracked. "Everything ended for me."
"Nothing has ended for you, you're my daughter nothing can end for you."
"Why didn't you tell me about mama?" After a long time, I was again asking him the question. I expected that he would stay silent like before but he nodded his head, preparing himself to talk.
"To keep you safe."
I laughed painfully, while tears fell from my eyes, "How?"
"I don't know. Maybe I was taking revenge on her for leaving me." My powerful father's voice cracked a little bit. "I was hurt, she was ruthless. I took revenge. I won you in the court, and got her sign papers which stated she would never try to contact you...she didn't have anyone to support her. It was so easy to win."
I took a shaky breath and sobbed. "You...didn't take revenge on her...you ruined my life. You stole from me, the happy moments that I could have had with her."
"I did..." he went silent, knowing nothing he would say would ever be able to justify what he did. "I'm sorry."
I wiped my cheeks, though the tears didn't stop. "I had forgiven you long ago," My chin twitched as I said, sobbing, and my tears falling with greater speed. "I love you papa and I don't want to lose you, I only have you. I lost everyone else."
"You won't lose me, sweetheart," he hugged me. "But I'm afraid I might lose you."
"You won't," I tried to assure him.
"What do you want?" He asked me staring right into my eyes. I couldn't tell him what I wanted was not mine to have.
"I want to go to Boston, be alone for a while."
"You're in no form of traveling and especially of not being alone, you will kill yourself." Papa shook his head.
"I won't kill myself, papa, If I wanted to kill myself, I would have done it when you sent the six years old Musca to a boarding school." I didn't want to but I sounded too harsh.
"I'm sorry," he lowered his head. "I have made grave mistakes, even if you've forgiven me, I can't forgive myself for those."
"I want to be alone, I will take care of myself I promise, just want to be alone..." I finally said, as I took the glass from the bedside table with my quivering hand and drank the grape's juice to prove to him that I'd take care...
***
I know, I know, I suck at writing sadness...