"One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside." ― John Lennon
I had not had a blink of sleep the entire night. When the light coming from the balcony door brightened my room, I squinted and licked my dry lips. I got up from my bed and went to the bathroom.
After a long bath, I came out and wore my best dress, taking my phone from the bed I turned on the Wi-Fi. I booked and reserved everything I needed to. Sitting on the couch, I sent a few emails and then, simply stared into space, thinking of ways to break it to everyone without causing anyone hurt.
Mami had tears in her eyes as she sat on the couch.
Asmat and Ghazi weren't talking to me. They both threw a tantrum and locked themselves inside their rooms. Uncle's expressions were grim but he stayed silent. Sara was the only one smiling like she was going to get chocolates from me. When I had told everyone that I was leaving for America on the dinner table, Aaliyan had left the dining hall and then the house, without granting me a second glance.
"I lost my mother Mami before I could live with her I don't want to lose my father. Even if he is ruthless but he cares, in his way he does." I reasoned, crouching before her.
She nodded, sniffing; tears slipped from her eyes and fell on her lap.
"Uncle please, why won't anyone even listen to me?" I was shouting, angry with myself for hurting the loving people.
"It's okay Musca, you can go," Uncle tried to sound like he meant it. He failed terribly. It was enough; I let my tears fall and sobbed into my hands. "Why wouldn't anyone understand me?"
Mami hugged me, patting my back. "We understand Musca, it's just sad for us to let you go."
"I don't wanna go, I just feel the need to. Like my time here is over, I shouldn't stay..." My voice was being stuck in my throat. "Ghazi ain't talking to me, Asmat ain't talking to me. Aaliyan left the house, what do I do?" I let out a sob. "Mami, please tell them to talk to me, I can't bear this. I don't wanna leave with a bad heart."
"Musca they are just sad, they will talk to you, give them time..."
"I don't have much time left...in the morning I leave..." I wiped my cheeks, stood up and ran downstairs towards Asmat's room.
"Asmat, open it you Bala, I'm crying!" I banged the door.
She didn't reply nor did she open the door.
"I'm telling you I'll tell all your dirty secrets to Uncle if you won't open this door now." No answer came. "I'm crying, I'm leaving, this is what you want me to take from Pakistan, the memories of closed doors? Open it."
It opened, Asmat looked like shit as I was looking. She caught me in a tight hug, crying. I thought of all the moments we spent together. I started laughing at her past funny remarks and stupid comments, her meanness, and sweetness with people.
"I'll ask Mr. Mighty Mubashir to take care of you," I said, laughing.
She laughed and hit my arm. "That's my nickname for him, don't you dare use it."
"Ow, it hurt, you Bala."
I rubbed my upper arm and asked her to come with me; I had another child to persuade.
Aryan Haider was a tough cookie, he declined to recognize me, shouted at me to get out, shoved me out of his room and when I had no energy to cry and shout for him to forgive me he opened the door and sat beside me crying like a stupid child.
"Don't go!"
"I have to..."
"Please your majesty...our kingdom will be empty without you...please don't go!" he begged.
"I'm sorry Ghazi!"
"I'll never forgive you." He threatened.
"I won't forgive myself too."
***
The next morning, Jannat informed me that Aaliyan had not returned home since last night. My heart squeezed at the news but it was for good, if I saw him, I might have broken down in front of everyone.
I had breakfast with everyone, laughing chatting, teasing each other. Sara was absent; she had left for her work. When it was finally nine pm, Ghazi with the help of servants put my back in the car.
At the airport, the air was heavy and it was bright with white lights and clean, my inner thoughts made it murky for me. I pressed my eyes, a heavy burden was increasing on my shoulders like an airplane placed on them.
My burning eyes kept roaming around the entire airport, subconsciously wishing I would see him somewhere. He would be standing somewhere; he would come and demand that I didn't go anywhere but with him. It was a stupid fairytale creating in my mind.
In reality, Aaliyan Haider was nowhere.
Everyone was coming to see me off, even my classmates had bunked the university today. Madam Aneela was coming with her husband and Alishba, the classmate from Madrassah too.
It was a huge crowd. It was making me laugh and feel warm at the love they all gave so graciously. When I collected my boarding pass, I went back to them, to say the last goodbye so I could go and stand in the security line.
I hugged everyone and gave the best of my wishes. Everyone told me they'd miss me and wish I stayed more. I smiled at their love, feeling the warmth spreading in my chest.
When it was Ghazi's turn, I put my car keys in his shirt pocket, his golden glassy eyes popped out. "The Royal Royce is yours until I'm gone." And I'd never come back!
"Musca you don-"
I cut him off. "Shut up you idiot I know you're dancing inside." He chuckled, rubbing his wet cheeks.
Finally, at the announcement, I waved at all of them, as a stream of tears came down to my cheeks. They all were shouting different things to me.
"Musca I'll come to get you someday!" It was Ghazi's promise.
"Musca, don't forget Urdu!" It was classmate Hafsa, who had taught me half of the Urdu.
"Tell Americans Pakistan is the best!" It was Tooba.
"Tell Americans, Pakistanis are the best!" It was Aashir.
I was laughing like crazy, even the people around them were giving them weird stares.
"Don't forget to learn more about Islam!" It was Madam Aneela, it brought a laugh out of me, I was not expecting her to mix with the children.
"Okay, okay, I'll do everything, Allah hafiz!" I waved again.
"Keep in touch!" I heard Ghazi's shout as turned around the corner, my tears blurring my vision, my lips quivering as my chin twitched.
"Yes, I will," I said under my breath, more like telling myself to do it, keep in touch.
I never knew my journey in Pakistan would end like that. The beautiful time would end so soon and so unexpected. The people I loved, I would have to leave them like this. The perfect chilliness of the weather, the landscape, the hills, the beauty, I was leaving all of it, giving it all up.
Even I was ready to, without regrets, give up all that I could have gotten by staying, but there was a permanent pinch in my heart.
I lost Aaliyan Haider forever.
***
After about fifty hours of traveling and changing flights, I was at my house in L.A. it was past midnight and I was informed that Sky had gone to Singapore and Grey was gone to Italy for a business meeting and Papa was asleep in his room.
I ascended the stairs with slumped shoulders. After two days of constant gloom and depression, I thought I would meet my family and feel better but no one was there to calm me, to comfort me.
Tears were absent from my eyes, they had been since I put my foot on the airplane. My heart pained as someone had it in their fist and they squeezed it brutally. My breath hitched whenever my mind diverted to the charming person with specks of gold in his eyes. And my mind diverted a lot.
I missed Pakistan. I missed Pakistanis. I had left a huge part of myself in Pakistan that I would never be able to recuperate. Besides all the things I felt, I felt regret of not spending the month of Ramadan in Pakistan. The stories I have heard of it, the beauty of the month, I couldn't help but wish that I had stayed more to at least witness Ramadan in Pakistan.
I missed my grandfather's house full of loving people who treated me like a crystal doll, afraid I might break with a single crack. I remembered their faces, and my heart squeezed.
I imagined Sara's perfect face, her glowing light brown skin as she stood with the class she had in her like an innate behavior. Then, I saw a charming person standing next to her smiling, his golden eyes shining with all the beauty of them, his dimple on display for people to swoon over him. They seemed happy and complete.
I smiled with sadness, my blurry vision showing me dots of colors of a rainbow. A mammoth burden weighed on my chest, shoulders and my head. I was going down. I knew I was. But inside my chest I had already gone down, a lot more down, so down I was in the pit of an empty cave and its lid was closed. I had nowhere to go in that murky cave but be there with my sinister demons.
I heard a shout, I did not know I was lying on the floor until a face came into my blurry vision and everything was dark after it.
***
"Rise and shine sweetheart!"
I rubbed my eyes when I heard papa's voice. I couldn't help but smile like six years old. With the speed of electricity, I got up from my bed, I wanted to run to him but I couldn't because of stinging sensation in my arm, it was swollen as two needles were injected in it, which connected to a monitor placed on a cart and some medicine bottles.
Papa approached me seeing my excitement and took me a tight hug.
"Papa! I missed you so much!" Crying and laughing together, I rasped, overwhelmed by the various emotions going through me.
"I missed you too sweetheart, why did you take so long?" His voice was wet, and it pained me.
"Is it too late to say sorry?" I asked him, getting away.
"Yes, but don't say it, let's leave everything behind, forgive me too Musca will you?"
"I did already," I gave him a bright smile. "And I'm a Muslim."
"I don't have any problems with it." He kissed my forehead. "How are you feeling?"
I was until he asked the question. I bit my lower lip insensitively to distract myself from the ache making itself evident in my heart. I nodded, unable to say anything.
"You don't look okay Musca. You fainted when you came here, and you were dehydrated, It's been two days you have been unconscious with the effect of Anesthesia."
"I'm fine," I didn't even sound fine to myself.
"Okay if you say so," he sighed as I took in his appearance; he was the same as I left him. Handsome, young-looking and powerful, his black here were going grey from the temples and it only gave him a graceful look. He was the busiest but even if he didn't admit it, he cared for his children a lot.
"Scarlet is going to be here today, Grayson is back too, let's have dinner together today?"
I nodded.
At the dinner, both my crazy siblings wrung me in their arms, telling me they missed me and then bombarded me with a thousand questions per minute.
"Why did you leave Pakistan?"
"Is everything alright?"
"How are you?"
"Why are you so pale?"
"Have you been crying?"
"No, no, I'm okay," I laughed with a sad heart. "I'm good."
"How was Aaliyan?" Sky asked, my hand tightened around the fork, I didn't want to but at the mention of his name, I flinched. I thought I would have to live with the feeling forever.
"He was good, can we please not talk about him?" It was a humble request that had the pain of centuries in it.
"What has happened Dex?" Grey seemed worried. "Why do you look so..."
I laughed forcefully, "Look what?"
"Look so emotionally drained." Sky completed for him, she seemed anxious and perplexed, but respecting my emotions they both shut up about this topic and talked about other random stuff, like how was I gonna cope with the studies. I informed them that I was taking a break from everything for a while.
After that, I went to take a stroll in the garden.
My arm ached because of the needles that were injected there earlier, the pain was shooting from the arm coming to my brain in painful waves. Yet, it was nothing compared to the emotional pain I felt.
I took deep sighs to fill my hollow chest but it was useless as my head throbbed with a piercing ache. I walked around the vast garden to the horse stable. I had come here to meet my horse, Prince. It was an Akhal-Teke with black-brown fur, gifted by Papa to me on my nineteenth birthday.
John greeted me as he saw me going towards the stable. He took care of the horses and the stable. I asked him, how were the horses, especially Prince. He told me, Prince missed me, well I did miss him too but not as much, he would have.
When I approached Prince inside the stable and patted him, he whined gleefully, making me smile. "Aw, I have missed my baby, how were you?"
He whined again, replying that he missed me. I laughed, freeing him from the refrains. I took him out in the garden and straddled him.
The only thing that made me feel better was talking to Prince, telling him about my life in Pakistan. About the golden-eyed man I met, who had the power to make Musca Stuart fall in love with him and how I experienced a free fall, a whirlwind of emotions, eclectic feelings, beautiful encounters, and how, in the end, I realized I deserved none of that.
And, Aaliyan Haider deserved so much.