It's love, yes, all we're looking for is love from someone else. A rush, a glance, a touch, a dance.
A look in somebody's eyes, to light up the skies, to open the world and send it reeling, a voice that says, "I'll be here"
and "you'll be alright."
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~ J A N N A H ~
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The door opened and immediately I took the first step in, an excited and extremely handsome Ahmad Sambo is the first person I see. I wonder how he knew it was me before I had even talked but I reminded myself of that classroom incident two weeks ago. He said he could "feel" me? "Smell" me? Well now that's creepy but it's romanticism outweighs that fact.
"Jannah hey, salamu alaikum." Ahmad beams but unfortunately, at Faisal not me.
Faisal ceases the chance of course and answers and after he was done, I went next, wishing him a happy birthday from the bottom of my heart but before he answered, Fatima brushed past me and threw her arms over him, sticking to him like chewing gum. I felt a strange feeling of discomfort burning my chest and I just couldn't continue standing there so I followed Faisal as he led us into the house.
I was late, I know but now I wonder why I had even come at all since Ahmad was too busy with his so called "Blindy" to even answer me. Faisal led us to where it seems the party was at. It was a clearing under the grand stairs of the house where Grace and her dance group were giving a remarkably well choreographed performance to Beyonce and Wizkid's "Brown Skin Girl." I also spot Abdul Ganiyy manning the turn table and from this view, no one could easily tell any of them were blind as one mixed more pumping beats into the song and the others happily danced to the chorus.
Brown skin girl, your skin just like pearl, back against the world, never trade you for anybody else...
Faisal seemed too enthralled by the performance to notice me slipping away. I still held the birthday present I had come with for Ahmad but I had no idea where to keep it so I continued walking until by luck, I came across Kulthum Sambo.
She looked dazzling, her happiness seemed to enhance her beauty even more and if I didn't know better, I would say she was only Ahmad's sister not his mother. She was dressed in a sequenced red gown with a flowing skirt and a baggy bodice and an emerald veil wrapped elegantly over her head and upper body.
"Jannah!" she seemed to squeal when she saw me and ran the rest of the way towards me, hugging me tight. "You're here, I'm so happy." her volume was high to be audible amidst the still ongoing "Brown Skin Girl" fiesta.
"Salamu alaikum ma'am." I had to shout before she could hear me above Wizkid's Raggea rap. And I remembered the last time I had hugged her like this was at Maryam's janazah but I swallowed hard and didn't let that feeling of grief overtake me.
I had promised myself since that Friday night that I would teach myself to live on, that the last thing Maryam would want is if we let her passing ruin us. It's life, and this was the norm, people go without warning but life still must go on. Prayers were what she needed, not grief and sadness in her name so now everytime I remember her, it would be with a smile on my lips, not tears in my eyes.
Mrs Sambo looked at me admiringly. Perhaps all the work I had put in to make myself look better today had paid off. I was dressed in a white dress similar to hers but without the sequence and my own veil was grey, draped not so elegantly over me. Even makeup had managed to find its way to my face today and I was sure the foundation and powder have done a very good job in hiding my dark circles.
"Wa'alaikumussalam. It's so nice to see you like this, you look so beautiful Masha Allah."
I wasn't half of the beauty she is, so how could she call me beautiful? But then she could be right because I had put in extra effort and it was all solely for Ahmad though in the car ride here, Faisal was thinking otherwise. He thought that I had done it for him but I couldn't care less, I had a pocket knife in my purse in case he tries something funny anyways.
"Thank you ma'am, you look beautiful too." I smile and present the gift wrapped in blue paper to her. "This is for Ahmad."
"Oh but you didn't have to." she collects it and runs a hand over the surface. "It's a book isn't it?"
"Yes, it's the Noble Qur'an, written in braille. Thought it would be useful to Ahmad."
"This is indeed very thoughtful of you, it's the best gift Ahmad has gotten. Thank you so much honey." Mrs Sambo hugged me again.
"What would you like to eat?" she asked once she pulled away. "Some spring rolls? Or fried rice? I can get them for you right away."
"No it's okay ma'am, I'd just like some water and I see there's a dispenser over there, I can get it myself."
"Okay honey, I'll just go keep this safe." she gestures to the Qur'an in her hand and walked away, heading to the stairs I presume.
When I turned to start heading for where the dispenser was, the corner of my eye catches Ahmad still with Fatima clinging to his arm. He talked to her so sweetly and that made the burning feeling in my heart intensify so much that I had to empty out the contents of three disposable cups of water down my throat down my throat.
Just as I threw the cup away in a nearby bin, I hear his voice. That scene with him and Fatima had definitely put fear in my heart. Fear that he was just as everyone said he was, he had trapped Fatima and gotten her to fall for him and he was only trying to do the same with me. I wish I hadn't even come.
"Hey Ahmad." I return, not even looking at him fully though it was hard not to.
He was dressed in his signature way, a bomber jacket and a shirt underneath. The jacket was grey today, almost the same shade as my veil and his shirt was black, complimenting his fair skin greatly. I noticed how he now had a light beard, a speckle of dark hair covering his chin, sideburns and even upper lip. It looked just as soft as his curly hair and I wondererd how it would feel like to run a hand over it but of course, I stopped myself and went back to being mad at him. Reminding him to go back to his "Blindy" when he requested for a minute with me.
"She's not mine." my heart dropped to its knees after hearing him say that for the second time. "Only you are mine."
Was he trying to make me have a heart attack? Because I kept struggling and looking for what to answer to that, something sassy to show him he still should go back to his Blindy but I found nothing.
"Hero" by Enrique Igelesias had started playing in the background and I was thankful that we were finally free of loud and distracting music. Now I could put him off without having to shout and just as I came up with that reply full of sass, he followed behind Enrique and said something to me that made my knees just as weak as my heart was.
"Will you marry me?"
I was dumbfounded, completely at a loss of words and he didn't stop there but continued after every line of the song. His voice of velvet holding a passion that could rival Enrique's. I have always loved that song and Ahmad had just made me love it more so after he asked that same question the second time, I knew I owed him the reply he he had been waiting for for two weeks now.
"Yes, yes I will."
I gave in to the heat of the moment just this once and let myself embrace him. When I placed my head on his chest and wound my arms around him, I had felt like I had traveled all through this earth only to come back here and find that this was my home.
Ahmad didn't hug me back for a moment and I feared that I had done something wrong. The tears I had been keeping at bay broke out at the thought of that and it was only then that I felt his arms around me too, hugging me back and pulling me into him with a passion I felt was scary. I heard his racing heartbeat under my ear and I got a generous whiff of his deep and fragrant scent before pulling away.
It felt surreal, I couldn't believe this was actually happening and my head couldn't stop spinning just like my heart couldn't stop pounding especially when he told me he loved me. I've been thinking it odd since he asked me to marry him first before expressing his love for me but now, my heart was at rest.
I wondered how he could think that he doesn't deserve me when I was the one who doesn't deserve him and when I told him the same thing, he stopped me with his hand over my lips.
"That will never happen. Understand?" Ahmad's tone was fierce and resolute, as if he had told me the most honest truth in the world and all I could do was nod my head.
It was then that I saw Faisal and by the looks of it, he was searching for me. I know when he took a couple more steps forward he would see us and I would once again go back to being tortured by his company so instinctively, I held Ahmad's hand and I walked fast, guiding him to the opposite direction from where Faisal was. I ended up placing us amid the crowd in that same place under the stairwell where now, Wizkid's "Fever" was blasting from the stereos.
Ahmad asked what was wrong and I told him about Faisal, and when he asked if I didn't want to be with Faisal, I thought it was a stupid question since I had just told him that I loved him and not Faisal but I still answered in the affirmative.
"Then what say we ditch this dump?" Ahmad stretches out his hand for me and I clasped it tight, making a smile spread on his face.
"Let's go." I answer and he starts walking to the door we came from.
Ahmad leads me outside, to the garden he had requested me to go to earlier when I was too miffed with the whole Fatima thing to accept.
There was a table laden with fancy fancy things and candle sticks tucked under one of the big trees but though that scene was captivating and flattering that Ahmad had arranged all that for me, what enchanted me more was the night sky.
It was breathtakingly beautiful. A pitch black canvas splattered with bits of sparkling stars and I couldn't help myself from derailing from where Ahmad was leading me towards the table and to the open field where there was no large tree overhanging from above and blocking the beautiful view.
I sat down on the grass and pulled my knees to my chest and I heard Ahmad follow ME from behind. He sat beside me but instead of facing ahead like I did, he turned to me and sat facing me.
"Well this is uncomfortable." I blurt with a chuckle.
"What?" he laughed too, criss crossing his legs before him.
"You facing and looking at me like that."
"I might be but I can't see you, remember?"
I didn't want to look at him haplessly because that would mean I saw him lesser than me not far exceeding me in everything. So all I did was smile and turned my head back up to the sparkling expanse of sky stretched out to the horizon before me.
I couldn't help shivering when a gust of chilly breeze blew and caressed my skin.
"You're cold." Ahmad states and I'm surprised, he could even hear my shivers?
"Here," in a second, he wiggled his jacket off him and flung it over my shoulders.
"Thank you." I say, grateful for not only the warmth that blanketed me, but his scent that comforted me.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, I didn't want to say it but it forced its way out of me. "Ahmad, I'm sorry this happened to you."
"But I'm not sorry." he mimics the way I had told him that I wasn't afraid. "Because it was this that led me to you."
I smiled, remembering this same thing he had said in the letter. It meant everything written in that letter was true, not just poetic sweet talks. The man I'm in love with and about to marry is one insanely romantic person.
"And that letter, thank you for it."
"You read it?" he was wide eyed but the pleasant type. "I thought Blindy never gave it to you."
"She did and Maryam had read it for me." I swallow hard trying not to let the sadness get to me. I should teach myself to accept this and talking about her was one of the steps towards it.
Ahmad must've sensed the shift in my mood because he suddenly looked down too. "I'm sorry about Maryam Jannah. I'm so sorry. I know how much she meant to you. I'm sorry you lost her."
I placed my hand on his and he looked up at me. Though he couldn't see me, I felt a peace and security wash over me when ever those brown eyes of his were on me.
"I'm fine." I reassure him and that was indeed the truth.
A week ago, I could have never thought that my heart could be this mended. It was true when they said that time heals all wounds but for Yasin, I fear that time will never come. He was still as distressed as he was on the day of Maryam's Janazah.
"It's my brother I'm worried about now." I tell Ahmad, my mind far away. "He's not okay, he's still not over Maryam being gone and I don't know how to help him."
It was only now that I let myself cry and even then, it wasn't for Maryam, it was for Yasin.
"It'll be okay love, I promise you. He'll be fine soon too." Ahmad gently caresses my hand, treating my fingers as if they were glass that might crack at the slightest pressure. "His name is Yasin right?"
"Yes, yes it is. How'd you know?" I start to wonder if I've mentioned Yasin to him before but I was sure I haven't.
"Actually, that day after Maryam... uhmmm, after she was buried, he was there and I heard Maryam's dad calling him Yasin."
"Y-yaya and Maryam were in a re-relationship." yes, it has come to the point that I couldn't control my sobs. "They w-were going to g-get marr-ried. I-I don't know how t-to con-vince him to m-move on. He i-is shatt-ered."
"My love please don't cry, please. It'll be okay, he'll be fine, I promise you." Ahmad now holds my hand with just a little more force. "Just don't leave his side, continue supporting him okay? Depression can be an evil place to be, it messes with your mind and it might take some time to heal but you should never give up on him okay?"
I nod, using my spare hand to wipe away the tears. I didn't want this night to turn out like this but I had just gone ahead and ruined it not only for me but for Ahmad. I've put him in such an uncomfortable position.
"I'm sorry for crying and—"
"Ssshhh none of that," Ahmad's hands find their way to my cheeks and they wipe away the remainder of my tears. "I don't want to hear you apologizing for anything okay? Though I hate you losing those precious diamonds of yours, I don't want you to ever keep anything to yourself. Shed your hurt out in tears and don't let it burden your heart. And I'll always always be here to listen because I love you Jannah, I love you."
"I love you too and now, I'm scared too because I feel like I'm dreaming Ahmad. It's like none of this is real, you're just too good for me th—"
"And I want none of that either." again, he cuts me off and adopts a tone of authority. "Don't you ever say that again. There's nothing about me that makes me too good for you but there's everything about you that makes you too good for me. I'm blind Jannah, yet when you're here with me, there's not a sight, not a colour, not a view that I miss. I love you and if I could marry you right now, there's nothing that would stop me from doing it."
The sadness that there's going to be innumerable obstacles before that happens, hits me. There's nothing that would stop me from marrying him right this moment too except my mother. She had succeeeded in talking to Abba and having him arrange the date for the engagement and that date was on Tuesday, just a day after today.
"My love, I want you to look inside the pocket of that jacket, there's a box, bring it out."
I look into the pockets and sure enough, I find the velvety blue box. I bring it out and place it on his hand.
"No, no, it's for you. Open it."
I collect it and open it and the piece of jewelry I find in there leaves me utterly entranced. I start to wonder if this night could get any better when I pull the ring out and it fit perfectly on my ring finger. From the way the rock embedded in it shone and shimmered sharply in so many different angles, I figured that it must be a diamond ring. I was no expert but the size of it was atleast five carats.
"Do you like it?" he asks eagerly.
"I love it, I love it, it fits perfectly. How did you know my ring size?"
"That night I asked you to stay, I held your hand and that blessed memory could never erase from my mind. Mama took me to a jewellers and I kept feeling the rings till I found one I was content with both the design and the size."
"It's breathtaking Ahmad, thank you. I'll keep it forever and it definitely beats my gift."
"Your gift?"
"Yes, for your birthday, I got you a Qur'an written in braille. I gave it to your mom."
"You didn't have to." Ahmad repeats the same thing Mrs Sambo said. "But there's nothing in this world that can be a better gift than a Qur'an so your gift beats mine and I'll keep it forever too. Thank you Jannah."
"We'll be together forever." I whisper and I wonder what did I do to deserve such good fortune? This was indeed a dream come true, in a true sense but then reality comes knocking and I know I must wake up to it. I remember Faisal and more woefully, I remember Umma.
"Ahmad," I can feel the weight of what I'm about to say weighing down my tongue but I know I would have to tell him. "I'm getting engaged to Faisal, on Tuesday."
His hold on my hand greatly relaxes and he looks up at me, "How is that done?" he asked and I'm surprised, it just isn't what I was expecting to come out of his lips. "I mean, I know here, rings aren't exchanged at engagements. The process is different and I was wondering how it is engagements are carried out."
"I'm not very sure too but what I know is the guy sends his relatives to the girls house with a load amount of different types of sweets as a token for asking for the girl's hand and the girl's family accept them with a mini food party or something and it becomes a mini celebration of sorts. The engagement is called baiko and the token is called the Na Gani Ina So which literally translates to 'I See and I Like.'"
"That was quite informative... and it reminded me why again convincing your parents to let us get married is hard."
"Why?"
"Because Jannah, I don't have any relatives to do that for me. I don't have anyone but my mom." he sighs and looked almost like he was ashamed. "I don't know anything about my father's family and my mom, she doesn't want to even talk about us going back to Egypt or any of her family coming here to meet us. I still don't understand if it's because of my father, how he was..." Ahmad's voice broke, as if what he was going to say next was too despicable to utter.
"What Ahmad? He was what?" I nudged him to continue but he didn't. All he did was shake his head and I saw the lump that he had swallowed roll down his neck, making his Adam's apple bob ever so slightly.
"Nothing." he finally answers but I feel like there was so much more than nothing. "Nothing Jannah, I just want you to know that I'm not giving up. I won't ever give up no matter what. Making this happen might be hard but I'll keep at it until we're together, okay?"
All I could do is nod, eventhough I knew he couldn't get that gesture. But I do believe him with all my heart and in the depths of my heart, I have made this same promise he had just made to me. I'll keep on fighting for us, no matter what.
"I'll talk to my father Ahmad. I know he'll listen to me and he'll understand if I tell him that I don't want to marry Faisal. Abba has always been on my side and I know this time too, he will be and then he'll convince Umma. She's hard to convince but I know she will be convinced since she wants what's best for me anyways and you Ahmad, you are what's best for me."
His smile was wide and hopeful but then it suddenly disappeared, his expression turning grim.
"How's it like Jannah?"
"How's what like?" I crook my head in confusion.
"Being close to your dad, having him love you?"
I was caught off guard and confused and though I didn't know how exactly to answer, I went ahead to do it. A part of me told me that my answer was very important to Ahmad though I didn't know why it was. Maybe because his dad had passed away long ago and he just missed him?
"It's great, one of the best feelings in the world. Knowing that there's always someone with you to catch you when you fall, to defend you when everyone's against you, to provide for you materially as well as emotionally. It's amazing Ahmad, my dad has always been there for me and has supported me in everything I've done. Umma didn't like me working for the Jada Foundation but Abba, he saw how much I loved being there and he didn't hesitate once to stand up for me against my very own mother just so I could continue." I laugh as that memory washed over me. "I remember how they stopped talking for nearly a week after that and all the things Abba had to do before Umma finally softened up to him. To society, Fatherly love may be the lesser part of parental love but I'm telling you, it's just as pure and passionate. It sorrounds you with this feeling of safety and optimism for the future and my dad, he gave me all of that, he's simply amazing." I smile as the familiar face of Abba visits my mind.
I finally turn to Ahmad and realize that I've been too busy talking and too lost thinking of all my memories with Abba to see the distraught look on his face. I even feared that he was about to cry so I reached out and caressed his cheek with my hand. My earlier thought of how his facial hair will feel on my fingers being realised, I felt the short hairs against my fingers and they were the most luxurious thing my hand has ever touched.
"What's wrong Ahmad?"
"I never had any of that Jannah, I never and will never know what that feels like." he breathed out and swallowed another lump. "My dad hated me. So so much. He hated me and I never knew why. He even... he hurt me and Mama. Every single day till the day he died and I don't know..." a lone tear finally escapes from that swirling honey in his eyes and my finger was quick to catch it. "I don't know why he did that to us Jannah. He hated and tortured us and I don't know why. I wish I was the only one he burned or whipped or kicked and punched but I wasn't... Mama... and all I did was watch Jannah, I never did anything to save her because I was a pathetic wimp, afraid of him like the devil he was. I was nothing then Jannah and I still am nothing and will probably be absolutely nothing up till the day I die.
"Its been eight years, eight fucking years but I still can't get him out of my mind. I'm still petrified to the bone whenever I think of him so now Jannah, do you understand how unworthy of you I am? Do you see that I'm a mentally messed up, pathetic and now hopelessly blind human being and you deserve so much more. The only thing I'll be good for to you is as a punishment not—"
My arms flung around him and my head latched on to his neck with my whole body burying itself in his. He had been shouting obscenities for too long and I just couldn't take it anymore. All he said to me was confusing but it did add up. Now all those injuries he used to come to school with and that air of tragedy I had always felt around made sense. I couldn't believe the Abbakar Sambo that everyone saw as a saint could have been doing something like this to his family all along but Ahmad just proved otherwise, that man may be dead but he was a monster and I could never forgive him for what it was he has done to Ahmad and Kulthum Sambo.
I continue holding onto Ahmad, as if I were a sponge meant to absorb all his pain. I let our heartbeats sync into one and his heavy breaths fan down my neck, I let my arms hold him like he was the last breath I had to breathe in this life and I let him do the same to me.
I was still lost in this blissful oblivion when I heard loud and resounding claps. I didn't want to let go but Ahmad was quick to do so and when I turned my head to the source of the sound, an ugly smirk greeted me.
Faisal continued clapping his hands dramatically and taking slow strides towards us till I got to my feet, facing him with a look that I hope will make him to crawl back to the hell hole he came from.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," Faisal raises his hands to his chest. "I really didn't but it's already past 7 pm and I want to make it home so I can pray Maghrib so Jannah, if you're done whoring around, shall we leave?"
"What did you say!?" Ahmad stood beside me, and I saw the slight outline of a vein on his forehead standing out. "How dare you call her—"
"Now, now, pretty boy," an even more disgusting smirk perks up Faisal's lips as he holds me forcefully by the arm. "calm down, I know she's hard to see and resist so I'll let it go this once. I'll forget this ever happened but if I ever, ever see you anywhere around her again, being blind will be the least of your problems."
Now, that vein on Ahmad's forehead had drawn a harsh and protruding outline and I held my breath, afraid of what was going to happen. The pressure Faisal's hand had on my arm intensifies to the point that I feel his fingers digging through the material of my sleeve, into my skin and I didn't know how but Ahmad suddenly caught that hand and yanked it off me, twisting the wrist till I heard a snap.
Faisal yelped out in pain and used his left hand to hold his now broken right wrist. He looked at Ahmad in shock and with an anger that flared and I was sure he was going to throw a punch but he didn't. All he did was wimper in pain as he kept looking from his injured hand to Ahmad as if in a stupor.
"You! How dare you! Wayyo ni Allah, hannu na! (Oh my God my hand) Ah! My wrist! It broke! Ewoo! You broke my wrist!? My own wrist!? I swear I will... I will..." Faisal stammers and I realize only now that he was one of those people that can only talk, but never act.
"You will what?" Ahmad stood face to face with him, his voice low but nonetheless deadly. "Now, you, if you ever dare hurt her again, a broken wrist will be the least of your problems. Understand?"
Faisal was silent, and I could almost swear I saw him quiver like a leaf. Just then, I was assured that he couldn't stand in our way, no matter how he puffed and huffed, that was only what he's good for, a dog that only barks.
"Let's go Jannah." Ahmad held my hand and led me away, away from Faisal's dumbfounded expression.
"Does it hurt? Your arm? And you don't ever have to fear him okay?" he says all at once when we were back inside the house and I notice the crowd has thinned out just a bit.
"I don't, you're here with me after all."
Ahmad smiles and his eyes sparkle with delight and I just want to keep this priceless expression on his face forever. I never want to see the frustration when he had told me about his father or the anger when he faced Faisal, this expression was what fitted him perfectly and naturally.
"Do you want to go home now?"
I nod. "Yeah... its late."
"Then I can get someone to take you home if you want." Ahmad said and I was grateful for how he could read my mind.
I didn't want to be anywhere near Faisal right now and I sure as hell won't let him drive me home.
"Yeah... I'd like that, thank you." I looked around to see if I could find Mrs Sambo so I could bid her goodnight but I didn't spot her. "Tell your mom I said goodnight Ahmad."
"She's not anywhere near is she? Mama must probably be too busy bringing out some more food, I think she's the happiest when she gets to overfeed people." Ahmad joked and I laughed.
It was clear that him and his mom shared an unbreakable bond and I think what he told me earlier greatly contributed to that. They had survived such a life together and come out together so of course they were extremely close.
"Let's go." Ahmad holds my hand again and with his other hand he thrust his cane ahead and navigated the whole way from the house to outside where multiple cars were parked.
A short man appeared and after he greeted us both, Ahmad introduced him as Evans to me. He was Harrison's replacement since now Ahmad didn't need a nurse but only a driver.
When Evans pulled out a car for me and I was about to step in, I was surprised when Ahmad entered too.
"Where are you going?"
"To take you home of course." Ahmad answered from beside me in the backseat and I didn't ask anything more.
We didn't talk but the silence between us spoke a thousand words. It was the most serene and comforting thirty minutes of my life and when we stopped at the gates of our house, I found myself not wanting to move an inch from him and disturb this depth of serenity within me.
"Goodnight my love." Ahmad says and I felt a bit shy since Evans heard.
"Goodnight." I return and thought it bland but I just haven't decided on an endearment for him yet.
I opened the door and just as I was about to step out, I felt Ahmad's hand on mine, stopping me from exiting.
"I love you." he whispers before lifting my hand to his lips and placing a kiss on my fingers. "I love you so much."
Now, I was lightheaded and I couldn't even see clearly and before my state got worse, I pull my hand away hurriedly.
I should say I love you too, my heart was thrumming the words but my lips couldn't say them and I just exited and waved a goodbye eventhough Ahmad couldn't see it as the car drove away. I realized that his jacket was still on me but rather than being regretful of forgetting to give it back to him, I was glad. Rest assured that tonight, I would sleep like a baby with it.
A/N
So it seems like our duo have realized that things won't be so easy for them. Poor JANNAHMAD 😢
Lyrics from the paragraph up above is from the La La Land Movie Soundtrack, "City of Stars" by Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling.