Duba rana da wata suna da haske, gimbiya ta sai ke, soyayyar mu har abada. Ko rana da wata sun daina haske, gimbiya ta sai ke, soyayyar mu har abada.*
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~ A H M A D ~
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I wake up in cold sweat, panting profusely and in utter distress. I rake my fingers through my hair and let them crunch down on my head. Of all nights, I thought that tonight I'd finally be free of this nightmare. But instead, it hit down on me so hard and with an intensity that I've never experienced. It was extremely lucid and so vivid that I could still see those pitch black eyes staring at me in contempt and preparing to lay the first slice of the belt on my back.
I felt like letting out a scream then perhaps I'd be free of this fog of fear in my chest. I'd be free of the image of Baba strangling me and the imaginary pain that was nonetheless potent, squeezing my lungs and the veins in my neck.
I gritted my teeth and stopped the scream from escaping. The last thing I'd want is for Mama to see me like this, fighting off a panic attack. My breaths started slipping away from me and before I knew it, I was wheezing, trying to pump air into my lungs but failing miserably. My racing heart felt like it was going to burst out of my ribcage and my aching head pulsed violently, beading sweat over my forehead.
A wave of shivers overtake me and a paralysing tingling sensation starts to spread from the left side of my chest and shoots down to my limbs, making it hard to coordinate any part of my body.
Physically, my body was quivering and mentally, my mind was cowering away, trying to dispel the fear but to no avail. I bite down on my tongue in a bid to contain an incoming scream but it proves to powerful to tame; an agonizing shout breaks away from me and it happens again and again.
I don't know how long it took before I realise they were hands on my back and in my hair and there was a voice shushing me. Mama was here, I had succeeded in once again troubling and worrying her.
She managed to calm me down but it took several more agonizing moments to regain my composure and steady my breathing. Suddenly, I feel a stiffling cold replaced the heat and I started panting, repaying my oxygen debt.
"Its okay baby, habibi, I'm here. It's okay." Mama continues soothing me. "Just breathe, it's okay. Breathe, breathe in and out."
It took a long while before I come to enough to speak. "Mama..." I breathe a strained breath, "...I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I'm okay. I'm fine now."
"Yes, just continue breathing, you'll be fine." she slowly rubs circles on my back. "What happened Ahmadi?"
I wasn't unaccustomed to panic attacks; eight years ago, they had almost been a nightly routine but it's just been so long since I had any that I had forgotten what they were like. And of all nights, the night Jannah has consented to marrying me and has told me she loved me was the night it's decided to make it's dramatic entrance back into my life. I had expected a pleasant dream of roses and beautiful scents but instead, I got the exact opposite and I have no idea why; was it because I had told her about Baba?
"Nothing Mama, I'm okay."
Mama hands me a glass of water and sighs, clearly unconvinced "I've been thinking of this for a long while Ahmadi but I've never told you because I knew you would argue but... I think you need help, therapy or psychia-"
"No, no, no, please. No. I'm okay Mama, I'm fine. It was just a bad dream." those eyes flashed in the darkness once again and they made me take a large gulp from the glass of water.
"Its not just a dream, I know it. You need help Ahmadina. I thought that it was over when your father... when he died but clearly it's not, you're not okay."
"Is it still night?" I choose not to even acknowledge anything she had said. "What time is it?"
"It's time for you to help yourself Ahmadi, to save yourself."
That was indeed clever, I had wanted to ignore everything she said but she just steered it right back. In exasperation, I get up from bed and feel my cupboard for my watch. When I find it, I press a button that tells me it was 4:12 am; meaning it was still dark.
"I'm going to the bathroom. See you in the morning." I hope that she'll take that as her cue to leave and I saunter off, counting the ten steps to my left to the door of the bathroom.
I spend what is likely almost half an hour under the cold shower. It awakened me wholly from that drowsy eyed and confused state. With the light pounding of several lasers of cold water on my whole body distracting my mind from both the nightmare and what Mama has just said.
When I was out, I felt around in a drawer in my wardrobe where Mama told me that she'd kept the Qur'an Jannah had gifted me. Frankly, I didn't need to read it before I could recite it since I already know the whole of it by heart but still, I manage to open up to Surah Al-Fath (Chapter - The Victory). It was one of my favorites because of the meaning of it's first few verses but most especially it's fourth verse I now had the tips of my fingers over.
هُوَ الَّذِي أَنْزَلَ السَّكِينَةَ فِي قُلُوبِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ لِيَزْدَادُوا إِيمَانًا مَعَ إِيمَانِهِمْ ۗ وَلِلَّهِ جُنُودُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ ۚ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمًا
It is He who sent down tranquillity into the hearts of the believers that they would increase in faith along with their [present] faith. And to Allah belong the soldiers of the heavens and the earth, and ever is Allah Knowing and Wise.
Through my darkest states of self hatred and depression, this Surah has been my companion and together with many others, my saviour. Everytime I read this fourth verse, that tranquility that is referred to is felt in my soul and just like it's title, I feel victorious over all the fears that claw away my sanity.
Though I've gotten better at reading in braille, it was still hard especially since now, the engraved characters I was feeling were Arabic transliterations. So for the rest of the surah, I stop attempting to read the braille and recite it by heart.
I read it a few times over and over again till I hear the call to prayer for Subhi and I get up to pray it. After I was done, I spent a few more minutes on the spot just revering in the peace the remembrance of the One and Only brings to a turmulous and chaotic soul like mine. Mama was wrong, I'm absolutely fine and if anything, this was what I needed not therapy or anything that would prove I was more mentally messed up than I thought.
I go back to my bed and before I lie down, I check my watch and it says 5:47 am. I was afraid of falling asleep lest those eyes find there way to my mind again so I spent the next several minutes just tossing and turning in bed. If I could see, I would have spent that time on the TV or on catching up on Game of Thrones on my laptop but sadly, all that now is a luxury I can't afford. All I can afford is this stagnant blackness before me and no matter how wide I open my eyes, it doesn't change.
Well that is unless Jannah is around. My heart flutteres when I remember all she has said to me last night. But then it sinks when I remember everything that'll make it close to impossible for us to be officially and permenently together.
Faisal, her parents, my blindness, my incompetence, my lack of anyone to call family except for Mama and now most recently and dauntingly, the reoccurence of these panic attacks. All I hope is that it doesn't happen when Jannah is anywhere around me, I never want her to see me like that but since I know it renders me powerless and could strike at any moment, I know I would have to take the next days easy.
When Mama was telling me that I needed help, I was thinking that she does too since ever since Baba died, she has distanced herself away from her family even more than he made her distance herself when he was alive. I understand that when he was around, it was him that stopped her and prohibited her ties with them but I just didn't understand when even after he died, she loathed me even talking about meeting them.
I talk to my grandparents over the phone once in a while and it's usually that awkward conversation that doesn't last five minutes but it's all I've got of being in touch with them, with anyone I can call family for that matter. Earlier, I had wanted to probe Mama about it but since I know I've done it for the last eight years and gotten the same answer and sometimes even a penalty of the dreadful silent treatment, I decided on saving us both the trouble.
I check my watch once again and when it says 6:03 am, I am absolutely mortified. Why was the time moving so slowly? I sigh as once again, I turn the direction of my body to the other side of the bed. I start to hear a soft tune and at first, I thought I was imagining it but then I sat upstraight and when I felt for my phone on my cupboard, I find that it was indeed ringing in that special ringtone I had set for only one person. You don't need to guess, we all know it's Jannah and so with a pulsating and grateful heart, I pick up.
"Hello?" came my Siren's voice, serenading me to the very depths of my soul.
"Hey, love. Morning."
"Morning Ahmad, sorry for calling this early... but are you okay? Is everything alright?" she sounded low and cautious.
Just then, I realized that Mama must've called her and told her stuff that would make her worried about me. I refused to talk to her so she'd gotten Jannah to do it in her stead. I just hope she didn't say anything about the panic attack and the therapy or whatever it is.
"I'm fine Jannah." I scrub my chin.
"No, you're not." she says with finality. "A great man once told me to shed my hurt out in tears and don't ever let it burden my heart. I was wondering if the same applies to him."
"It does actually," I blurt awkwardly and continue feeling the short hairs on my face. "But I'm okay love... I know my mom called you but don't worry, she's just exaggerating, I'm completely fine."
I don't know if the silence that follows signified that she was convinced or not but Jannah didn't speak for a long while until she does, whispering through the phone.
"Ahmad?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"Tell me something I don't know." a goofy smile spread on my lips. "Now it's barely 7 am, what's my love's day like this early in the morning?"
"Well, it's Monday morning so tell me, what do you think I'm doing?"
If it were a few weeks ago, I would obviously say that she's getting ready for the classes but now, I had no idea what she might be doing since the classes were stopped eversince Maryam passed.
"Uhmmm, I'm not sure, what?"
"Getting ready to go to the university of course."
"Really!?" my back straightens up. "You're going to continue the classes?"
"Yeah, I forgot to tell you about it last night but yes, I am. I've found the strength to not give up, Maryam wouldn't have wanted that."
"You're absolutely right, she wouldn't. My braille is still very rusty and needs a whole lot of work. I just can't wait to see you Jannah... well not literally speaking ofcourse." I laugh and all that darkness in my heart clears up and is replaced by this joy only Jannah can bring to me.
"I can't wait to see you too." she chuckles as well.
"So I should probably let you finish up getting ready then?" I didn't want to, but it was the polite thing to do.
"No, no there's still a lot of time left. It's barely 6:30 am."
"Lucky me, I'll get to spend a bit more time with my love."
"Lucky me, I'll get to spend a bit more time with my heartbeat." Jannah says and leaves my heartbeat running a marathon.
"That's me right?" I jest, feigning cluelessness.
"Of course it's you." Jannah feigns annoyance as well. "So what is my heartbeat doing?"
"Nothing, he's just totally and wholly yours." I answer from the bottom of my heart. "You?"
"I just finished praying a while ago and now I'm back in bed watching TV, and do you want to know what I'm wearing?"
My breath caught in my throat. Did she just say what I heard her say? No way but just the thought of what it if indeed she said that and was intending that made my heart throb and I had to gulp down hard. Again, did she just say what I thought she said?
"Wait, wait no." Jannah blurted hurriedly, she must've just realised what her last words sounded like. "T-that came out completely wrong, I-I didn't mean it like that."
"You sure you didn't mean it like that love?" I dared to tease her inbetween bouts of laughter.
"You know what? Bye! Since all you're going to do is laugh at me!"
"Wait," I control myself and stop laughing. "Okay, love, I'm sorry. Now tell me what did you mean?"
"I meant to tell you that your jacket, that's what I have on. I barely removed it since you gave it to me. Makes me miss you less."
"It was on you that whole time? So that jacket is luckier than I'll ever be." I sigh dramatically and stop myself from imaging stuff I wasn't supposed to imagine though the giggle that flutters from the phone makes it hard not to.
"So tell me," Jannah says, "What's your favorite reality show?"
"Don't have one." even when I could see, reality shows weren't my thing, not at all. "Tell me yours."
"90 Days Fiance." she answers excitedly and I imagine it was what she was watching right now. "It's just full of crazy people with crazy and hilarious drama."
"Sounds interesting..." the only thing that makes it that for me is cause she's interested in it. "So now you tell me, you favorite movie?"
"That'll be hard to choose so let's start narrowing it down. Which industry?"
I figure that Jannah is greatly invested in movies. "Uhmmm, Hollywood?"
"Okay, which genre?"
"Uhmmm, Fantasy or Sci-Fi?"
"Which year?"
Now that was too much and I just had to allow myself to chuckle. "2019?"
"Then I'd say Aladdin. Though I don't think that actress fit as Jasmin and I thought her outfit was just not that good. You know there was way too much sequence and the materials looked very cheap and also, they weren't enough of a replica to the real Jasmin's clothes, but I really enjoyed it, especially when Will Smith sang Arabian Nights and that dance performance when-"
"Whow slow down there love, you take your movies so seriously that it's kind of intimidating." I laugh, amused at everything she's just said.
Aladdin the Movie was infact one of the last movies I saw before I lost the ability to see any movie ever again but I hadn't noticed any of the that.
"I know... I like to pay attention to detail." Jannah declares.
"I can see that." I nod my head, pressing the phone to my ear harder. God, what I'd give to be with her right this moment. "Now, won't you ask me what my favorite movie is? And no, we don't have to narrow it down to industry, then genre, then year this time."
"Then your head might blow off, they're just too many movies to choose from."
"I'll survive love." I chuckle, "Now ask me."
"Okay then Ahmad," the way she says my name is the most perfect way anyone has ever said it and I feel blessed every time I hear it in that voice of hers. "What's your favorite movie of all time?"
"A Walk to Remember."
"What?" she sounds surprised. "Why? That's a romantic movie and I thought you were going to say something like James Bond or Fast & Furious or atleast something from the Marvel or DC universe, that's what every guy says."
"Well for me it's none of those and to tell you the truth, though I'm about to blaspheme against manliness right now, I hate the whole Fast & Furious franchise. It's just a repeat of the same thing over and over again, and I just don't get it."
Jannah laughs and that melody travels from my ears, right to my heart. "You didn't ask why it's my favorite." I say once her laugh dies down.
"Why?"
"Because I just relate to it so much and many times, I find myself hoping that a Mandy would come into my life too. I didn't know it would take more than ten years before that finally happened, before you Jannah."
"Hmmm... that letter of yours made me suspicious but now I'm one hundred percent sure that you, Mr Ahmad Sambo, are a hopeless romantic."
I have never thought about it but now that Jannah has said it, I realize that she's right; I'm more of a romantic than most people and I'll have to admit that from all of my previous relationships, from Laila to Farida, I've always been searching for something deep, something almost spiritual and a connection that isn't just based on looks. But all I've ever felt for them is just physical attraction and I know it's vice versa for them too. I've never found that depth of emotion and passion that makes me feel like the feelings in me are far way too much to be contained except now with Jannah.
"Yes, yes I am. Hopelessly in pursuit of a romance with you." I chuckle, my intention was to make a pun and make her laugh too but it was only when I said it that I realized it didn't come out so right.
Jannah took moment before replying, clearly she didn't find what I said amusing and I regretted my words. She finally cleared her throat and adopted a more serious tone.
"That isn't true, we're not hopeless okay?"
"We're not, we're not and I'm sorry for saying that," my fingers cradle the bridge of my nose. "It was stupid, sorry."
"It's okay... and I've been wanting to tell you, I talked to Abba about us."
"And?" my heart pounded anticipating the worst.
"He said that he'll give you a chance... It's up to you now, I don't know how but you'll have to win him over. He's the only one that can convince my mom."
Now the pressure is on and it's real. How am I supposed to do that? In truth, there's nothing impressive about me and just thinking about the rapid fire questions I'll have to answer before I prove I'm even worthy of half of his daughter makes me nervous. I won't be surprised if at the end, he sees right through me and doesn't support us, its true that I don't deserve her after all.
"Well now, I'm scared shitless." I admit, "When... is it? Are we supposed to meet or something?"
"No need to be scared Ahmad, my dad is incredibly open minded, just be your true self. And yes, you're supposed to meet next weekend when he's home; he's traveling to the South tomorrow."
I sigh, closing my eyes and letting it all sink in. I couldn't just not be afraid, this was what was going to determine if I get accepted or not and I feared that most likely, I wouldn't pass that test.
Jannah must've sensed my anxiousness and went on to add, "Don't worry Ahmad, I even called an uncle of mine. I told him about us and got him to come over too next weekend. He'll be here when you come over and he and my cousin Zuzu are already on our side, okay?"
I sigh heavily, releasing a sigh of relief, "Okay, we'll make this happen. We will, together. It'll work out insha Allah. I'll just..." I wonder what to do, I didn't know what to do. "what's the easiest and fastest way to learn Hausa?
She took a moment before answering, perhaps contemplating the reason for my question. I just wanted to stop Baba'a rules from haunting me. He was dead so why did I still allow him to have this much of a hold over me? I have to face my fears no matter what and rid myself of him for Jannah.
"Why? Why do you think you need to learn Hausa Ahmad? You don't need to and—"
"Jannah, I do. I need to." the first step of defiance to my father then perhaps then, I'll start to be free of him. "Now tell me how."
"Well, I really don't know." she chuckles nervously, "How about you ask everyone to talk to you only in Hausa? Or maybe start watching a lot of Kannywood movies."
"I can only listen now, remember? And I doubt any Kannywood movie has audio aid."
"That's right so let's just go with the first idea but Ahmad, just stop fretting, it'll all be alright. It won't matter to Abba whether or not you speak Hausa."
"But it does to me Jannah. I can't explain... I just feel so so scared to even attempt to try to speak it and I want to break those chains so please, please help me?"
"I will. Though I don't understand you but I promise I will."
I myself don't even understand so it wasn't a surprise that she couldn't too. I sigh and pull at my hair, using my habit to lower my nerves.
"Everything will be fine, right Jannah?"
"Yes, it will." I hear her sniff before she chuckles.
"I just want to be with you forever."
"I want to be with you too." I hear the smile in her voice but I still could hear her lips quiver just a little bit.
"I just love you so much."
"I love you too." her voice thickened, she must've swallowed down a sob.
"I miss you so much."
"I miss you too."
"When can I have my jacket back?"
"I... what!?" she trails off in confusion, my trick had worked and I laugh. "Never, it's mine now." she finally answers.
"So it's true what they say," I sigh dramatically, "I now have no choice but to lose my jackets one by one. Well, I guess I better just start saying goodbye to all my jackets."
"You better," she scoffs playfully, "I'm taking them all away."
"But then you'll be bringing them back because this is where you're going to start living soon."
"What? Why?"
"As my wife, remember?" even saying that word brought me immeasurable peace, there was actually a probability of that happening albeit being low.
"Then you've just made my job a whole lot more easier, mwahahaha." Jannah attempts an evil laugh but all I can hear is an adorable melody.
I didn't think it was possible but with every passing minute, with every little detail about her I get to know, I just fall deeper more in love with her and my need to make her mine intensifies.
"Yeah right, laugh all you want, but I'll be the one having the last laugh," a beautiful scene of passion and desire, where I'll get to know her in the deepest and most intimate way possible unfolds itself before me and I dare to say it, "I'll be the one who gets to take not only the jacket, but everything else off you every single night."
I'm sure that Jannah gulped and she took a while before answering. Her behavior in the car when I dropped her home last night made me realise that she easily gets shy and since I couldn't see her face, the nervous tone of her voice and her stammers are what I used to figure that out and when she speaks now, it's with that same demeanour.
"I-it's past 7 am, I-I have to go get ready, bye."
Jannah didn't even wait for my reply before she cut the call. I chuckled, thinking of the expression on her face and though it was incredibly tempting, I stopped myself from imagining any more of what I just told her and made her blush and run away. When the time is right, I'll soon get the right to do all that in reality. All I have to do is believe and have patience.
Though the former is easier said than done. I don't think it'll be so easy getting her family's consent and in some ways, I won't blame them if they don't agree. Even I myself find that I'm wanting in everything when compared to Jannah so I'm not someone who's worthy of having her as my wife. But now, I won't let myself be so cowardly anymore, I won't let the scars from my past ruin my chances of ever getting her, I'll free myself from Baba.
I sweep away those daunting thoughts and find shelter in the fact that I'll see her in just an hour or two. I get up from my bed feeling refreshed and uplifted and spend the next ten minutes getting ready.
I didn't know the color of the outfit I wore but I hope I made the right color combo but if not, I'll just come back up and change it. I didn't feel like talking to Mama but I know I had to, both to ask her about my outfit and to sort out what had happened earlier.
I admit that I'm petrified of finding out that those scars Baba has left on me weren't just physical but emotional too. That would definitely beat me up and retard my pace on this road to Jannah.
My seeing stick guides me down the stairs and I count the twenty-seven steps diagonally to my left to the dining table where luckily, I find Mama seated.
"Hey, Morning." I say and wasn't surprised when I didn't get a reply back. "Mama? Good morning." I press once again.
"Morning," she sighs. "they are sardine sandwiches on your left and some of your left over birthday cake on your right. Water is in front of you."
I hear her chair screech and I was sure she had gotten up, preparing to leave. I hated it when my mom was mad at me but to be honest, today I was mad at her too. I know she doesn't like talking about why she distanced us from her family so I never pressure her into doing it so why couldn't she do the same thing for me? She knows I don't like talking about going to see any therapist so why must she keep bringing it up again and again? I thought after my suicide attempt, when I said no and we got into a similar fight like this over it, she would have dropped it but I was wrong, she was still thinking about it. I just want her to understand that now, Jannah is my inspiration to let go of all that and I know that she'll be my cure, I don't need anything else.
"Mama wait," I stop her, "I'm sorry please. Just stop talking to me about that stuff. I'm perfectly okay, I'm not mentally deranged and more over, I'm not suicidal anymore so please stop it."
I hear the chair screech once more but I don't hear footsteps after it so I was sure she didn't leave, she just sat back down.
"I'm only asking you to do it because I'm worried about you Ahmadi. I love you and I can't see you like this. Most times, I even think that it's my fault since I was the one who brought you into such a cruel world. I was the one who saw how much you were suffering every day but I couldn't save you so now, when I have the chance to do just that, why shouldn't I? Please just..." Mama trails off and I sigh, brushing a hand over my face.
"Mama, I'm going to be late. I have to go to the university, the classes are back on." again, I choose to not acknowledge anything she'd said, I just couldn't. It was safer if I just ignored all of it.
"Jannah is taking the classes?" Mama asks as I stand to my feet, "That's incredibly brave of her. What'd she say about her family?" I was glad that Mama followed my suite and changed the topic.
"Her dad wants to see me, next weekend. I'm incredibly nervous Mama, what if it doesn't work out? And I just know that I'm going to mess up."
"Ahmadinajad," Mama says her tone full of confidence, "It's going to be alright. You'll be fine. It'll work out insha Allah."
I nod my head and my grip on the cane tightens, I have only five days to get myself ready and try to be just a bit more worthy of Jannah.
"I'll be going now is Evans outside?" I suddenely remember about my outfit, "Mama, what color's my jacket and shirt?"
"Don't worry, you look fine. Its a kind of maroonish jacket and a dark blue shirt. They match pretty well." I feel her hand on my shoulder and she hugs me for just a second.
"Thanks Mama and I'm sorry." though I was sure it wasn't the last I've heard of that topic, I was glad that we made up. "I'll be back before Asr."
"Fine, I'm letting you go this once without having breakfast first because I understand you're excited to see Jannah."
I chuckle and continue walking away, counting the steps to the exit. "Bye Mama."
A/N
Y'all, y'all, I know this chapter was a bit on the uneventful side but you better enjoy this calm before the storm, just a heads up, things are about to blow up.
Lyrics from the paragraph up above are from Ali Jita's "Soyayya."
*Translation of lyrics : Look at the sun and the moon, as long as they shine, my princess it'll only be you, our love is forever. Even if the sun and the moon, they cease to shine, my princess it'll only be you, our love is forever.