woooowwwwwwww okay when's the last time we heard from Lukas?? fifteen...sixteen chapters ago?? holy shit. what's wrong with me.
anyways. here's some Luktra angst, because i'm like that
also! fun fact! i was originally going to have this title be something different because i lowkey hate it but i never thought of anything better so we're stuck with this! agh!
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▪Lukas's POV▪
Step, step, step, step, turn. Walk back the other way.
Four more steps. Turn again.
The action was stuck now, my body carrying out the motions even if my mind didn't want to.
But I did want to. I had buckets and buckets of restless energy, and it had only one place to go- pacing.
"For god SAKES, Lukas! You've been doing nothing but walking back and forth for an hour! Can you please calm down?" Aiden implored. He was sitting on my bed, watching me pace with increasing frustration. This had to be at least the third time he asked me to stop.
He hadn't asked what was wrong, but I knew he had a few guesses.
"No, I can't calm down! I don't know what calm means!" I exclaimed back.
He gave me a weary look. "Dear, you're gonna start wearing holes in the floor. Siddown and chill the hell out."
I dropped my gaze nervously. "I can't. I'm too freaked out right now, I don't know what to do."
Aiden sighed. "Lukas...you are not solving anything with this. I don't even care if you're still angry at Jess, or freaked out about Petra, or having a manic episode, or if there's something completely different going on...but you gotta calm down. At this rate, you're gonna be pacing all night, and I'm never going to get any sleep."
"How am I supposed to calm down?" I asked with a touch of panic. "She's here! Did you see the look she gave me?! I can't deal with this right now!"
I paused in my pacing, stringing my hands through my hair. "What if she's still angry? What if she blames me? Hell, she probably does- I blame me, after all! What if-"
"LUKAS HOLY SHIT. You are LOSING IT." Aiden got up and stood in front of me, grabbing my hands. "This has been going on long enough. Stop talking. Stop moving. Take a deep breath, and shut up long enough to listen to me."
I raised my eyebrows, surprised at his bluntness. He could still be properly intimidating when he wanted to. I did as he asked, though, dragging in a deep breath and forcing myself to relax. My muscles were still tense, and I instinctively wanted to keep walking.
"Okay. You good?" he asked. I nodded hesitantly. "Good. Now, chill. The fuck. Out. You're being an idiot, and kind of insane. I'm aware that there's too much going on, and you're stressed. There's a lot that we can't do anything about. But you know what you can do something about?"
I shook my head immediately, already guessing where he was going with this. "No, no, Aiden, I can't. I don't want to...I'm just not ready to..."
"When are you gonna be ready?" Aiden pressed gently. "The tension between you and her isn't gonna go away just because you don't want to deal with it. You've been stressing about this for months. The whole reason we started dating was because you wanted to get your mind off her. Now she's here, and you can just talk to her, and deal with all the shit you've been carrying around for months."
I met his eyes, startled. "You...know about that? Why we...why I wanted..."
He smiled slightly, though it wasn't a happy one. "Yeah, I know. It didn't take a genius to put the pieces together. You were freshly heartbroken over her, and I was someone new to give that leftover affection to. I know."
"I didn't...I'm not...It's not like that anymore, you know." I said awkwardly. Maybe it had just been wishful thinking, but I'd believed he didn't know the original reason I'd said yes to being his boyfriend. At some point, I'd made it very clear that I didn't hold romantic feelings for Petra anymore, and that was still the truth. I hoped he knew that.
"I know." he said again. "Things have changed a lot the past few months. But what hasn't changed is all the baggage you and she have. So just go talk to her. Apologize for...whatever you think you did wrong, and try to make amends. If you make up, great, you've got your friend back. If she's as angry with you as you think she is, then at least you know."
I let out a long breath. "I'm just scared, Aiden. It's been so long since I've actually talked to her. I don't know what she thinks about me anymore, and I think I'm too afraid to find out."
This time, he gave me a real smile. "That's exactly how I felt when I decided to try to contact you again. Did you know, that I'd had the idea of writing to you a whole year before I actually did?"
"What? No way." I objected. He nodded.
"Yeah. I missed you really bad, and I wanted to talk to you again, but I was so afraid of...well, exactly what you just described. I didn't want you to push me away again. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it."
Aiden squeezed my hands slightly, tracing his thumb along the inside of my palm. "But you let me back in, after everything I did. And if you can give me a second chance, you have to be willing to believe Petra will give you one too."
I didn't know what to say to that. Instead of fighting to come up with something coherent, I leaned in and pulled him into a grateful hug. He wrapped his arms around me, murmuring softly. "You'll be okay. She was your best friend for years before that whole mess happened. You can manage to talk to her."
I pulled away. "Okay. You're right, I may as well give this a shot."
"Good. But one thing..." he said as I turned and headed for the door. I glanced back at him, and he continued. "If you kiss her, or make any other romantic move, I will know, and I'll make you sleep on the floor."
I laughed. "Understood."
I headed out of the room, glancing up and down the hall. All my friends' bedroom doors were closed, except Julia's and Petra's. The light was off in Petra's room, and if was remembering her habits correctly, that meant she most likely wasn't there.
Well, no matter. I could think of at least one place she was likely to be.
I padded softly down the stairs, trying to stay quiet. Many of the lights on the lower level were still turned on, including some of those in the treasure hall. I headed into the large room, still hesitating ever so slightly.
She was standing near the large window, looking at the treasures displayed behind the row of armours. The lights weren't on in that half of the room, so she was lit mostly by the pale moonlight streaming in from the window. Her back was to me, and I couldn't tell what she was looking at.
I'm not sure if she heard my steps or just sensed someone there, but she turned and saw me standing just inside the treasure hall. She stiffened slightly when she realized it was me, but didn't make any other motion.
I walked hesitantly towards her. The whole scene felt strange and surreal, like I wasn't really here.
Petra picked up the Wither Star, watching as it hovered slightly above her hands, spinning. Her expression was intentionally blank, but I recognized the sadness in her eyes. She didn't look at me as she softly remarked, "It's been so long."
I couldn't think of anything adequate to say to that, but luckily I didn't have to. Still not looking at me, she continued, "Everything's so different now. It's hard to be back here again. I...I don't feel like I really know anyone anymore, not even the people who used to be my best friends. Not even you."
She set the Wither Star back on its pedestal, and finally met my eyes. A million memories came flooding back, all the years of friendship and romance we'd had.
This was unlike anything we'd ever dealt with before. Words spun through my mind, but none of them were right.
Petra watched me wordlessly for a few moments, then looked away at the window. "I shouldn't have come back." she murmured.
"Maybe...maybe you shouldn't have left." I said quietly. Her brown eyes flicked back to me again, a look full of uncertainty.
"Look, Petra. I honestly don't even...it's been a few months, and I kinda blocked it out, so I don't remember the details of...well, our breakup." I started hesitantly. "But what I do know is that I'm sorry. I hurt you, and I kinda tossed both our lives into a tailspin, and the guilt of it has been chasing me around for months. I should've listened to you from the start. I'm so sorry. I understand if you're still mad at me, but I just had to say that. I'm sorry."
She blinked, an expression of confusion settling gradually across her face. "You...what? Lukas, you...you thought...oh. Oh, no, Lukas...."
Petra turned abruptly away from me, hiding her face in her hands. I gently touched her shoulder, unsure of what was going on, and I thought I heard her let out a quiet sob.
"Petra? Are you okay?" I asked worriedly. She just sniffled, and adamantly shook her head. "Come on, talk to me." I implored. "You know I've seen you cry before, why does that make a difference?"
"Because it's...I've...god, Lukas! I didn't think..."
Her voice broke, shattered by a sudden flood of tears. "I'm so stupid! I thought...I thought you hated me."
I stepped around to face her again, and she miserably tried to wipe her eyes. "What? Why would I hate you?" I asked.
"Because I thought it was all my fault. I was the one who started the fight, who kept pressing you to leave. I was the one who blew up. Now we're both broken, and there was...it doesn't even matter now. I've been fucking furious at myself, because I thought I drove you away."
I was slammed with two tough emotions at once; shock and grief. This changed everything.
Of course she'd been blaming herself. Of course she had. Nothing could ever be easy.
"Oh...Petra, no, I..."
She didn't seem to hear me. "I couldn't stand to even look at you, because I was so ashamed of what I'd done. That's the whole reason I moved to Champion City. There were too many memories in Beacontown, too many reminders of what we'd had and how I'd wrecked it. I can't...I can't believe..."
"That I felt the same way?" I asked softly. She slowly nodded.
I leaned in to wrap my arms around her, my eyes misting with tears as well. Petra returned the hug, memories and nostalgia flooding through me. Her shaking hands pressed into my back, and I rested my chin on her shoulder.
We'd been here before. Maybe not in this exact situation, but this pose and these emotions weren't new. She'd always been a very physical person, emotions showing through as actions more than anything else. If I'd been in the right frame of mind, I should've realized, far sooner, that her distancing herself from me wasn't out of anger.
It wasn't long after the fight before I'd calmed down enough to realize how badly I'd screwed up. I'd realized that I'd pushed her too far, and should never have said and done what I did.
But I couldn't bring myself to track her down and apologize, for fear of making things worse.
Then the guilt had started to set in, and I just couldn't bear even thinking of being around her, after what I'd done. I'd driven her away, and I wouldn't deserve her forgiveness even if she chose to give it. I'd missed her like crazy, but I felt too bad to do anything about it.
If only I had realized that she'd felt the same way.
If only we hadn't both been such utter miserable fools.
If only I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own head, maybe we could've fixed things months ago. Maybe we could've repaired our relationship while there was still romance to salvage.
We stood together for several long minutes; no words, just the stream of tears we'd been repressing for too long. I'd pushed down my pain, trying to ignore the raw agony of losing my best friend, but it was all coming to the surface now.
It was her that spoke first, pulling away from me to rub her eyes again. "God, I'm a mess."
"We both are." I said through a weak laugh, and she nodded with a similarly fragile smile.
"I really miss you." I admitted after a moment of quiet. "I...I honestly do wish you hadn't left Beacontown. We could've worked it out."
Her smile turned sad and small, then disappeared completely. "I miss you too. We were...we were really something, huh? I'm hesitant to say we were perfect, but for a while...well, we came pretty close."
"You know I'm with Aiden now." I murmured. I'm not entirely sure why I said it, but it felt like it ought to be addressed.
Petra nodded again. "Yeah, I know. I'm okay with that. I think he... in the long run, he's better for you. I mean, once, you and I were quite the power couple, but..." she paused, evidently searching for words. "We just made too big of a mistake, and we were too afraid to fix it, and now it's too late. But I don't mean that in a negative context- I'm glad that you didn't stay hung up on me. Lukas, I just...I want you to be happy. I know..."
She hesitated, glancing nervously between me and the floor as she continued speaking. "I know this is kind of a weird thing to say after, well, everything, but...I want for us to be friends again, if that's possible. I miss you more than I know how to say, and even if we're not gonna get that old love back...I'm tired of not having you in my life at all. I know it's gonna take us some time to rebuild our friendship, if we even can, but I'm more than willing to try if you are."
I reached over and took one of her hands in mine, grinning up at her with a newfound lightness I hadn't felt in months. "I'd love that." I said honestly. "I think that ultimately, it's up to us whether it's 'too late' or not. And if we're in agreement that it's not, I don't see why we can't try again."
Petra beamed, then leaned in and pulled me into another hug. "Thank you." she whispered. "Thank you so much. I'm sorry I-"
"Hey." I interrupted, gently patting her back. "Don't apologize for anything. We were both at fault, and it's okay now. We're starting over, remember?"
She laughed, stepping back again. "Right, okay."
Lifting her head to look out at the dark sky, Petra sighed and asked, "So...now that we've gotten that squared away...what's going on? Why's reality so screwed, and what the hell is wrong with Jess?"
I glanced away, unwilling to meet her eyes. "I...I really can't tell you that. At least not what you want to hear."
"I heard what Jess was saying. He really doesn't think you're going to come back from...whatever this mission is, does he?"
I shook my head. "No, but I don't think we can pin that all on the dangerous quest. Jess hasn't been himself, ever since the Order broke up. I can't really explain what's happening...but I think that once we fix reality, he'll go back to normal too."
"He's that connected to it?" she inquired, raising both eyebrows. "I was partially kidding when I said I knew he was involved."
"Oh, he is. He's very connected to it." I confirmed. "It's affected him a lot, and I wish...I wish I knew for sure that I'd be able to get him out."
She went quiet after that, but if her melancholy expression was any indicator, she wished the same.
"Do you think..." Petra started, then trailed off. She inhaled deeply and focused on me. "Do you think we're the reason the Order split up? I'm just thinking...when we first got together, we spent all our time with each other instead of the rest of the Order. Did that start the rift? And we...we could've all banded together again during the Admin, but we didn't. Was that because you and I were avoiding each other? Lukas, is all of this our fault?"
I watched her mutely for a few moments, my jaw working as I tried to think of something convincing to say. "I don't know." I managed finally. "I've thought about that a lot, actually, and I just don't know. I don't want to think it is...but at the same time..."
"You can't help but think it might be." she said forlornly, echoing my thoughts.
"Yeah. Like I said, I just don't know." I murmured.
This thought put us both in somewhat of a grim mood again despite our reunion. We stood together for a long time, eyes trained up at the obsidian-coloured sky outside the window, searching for answers we hoped could be found among the dim stars.
I didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow. I'd already learned not to expect victory when we were up against Essa, but if we failed...
If we failed...
I shut my eyes, trying to block out the dark thought.
As if Petra had read my mind, she cautiously asked, "I know I don't know what-all is happening, and I know you won't explain it. But what happens, if you and Jess fail?"
I looked at her again, my voice barely above a whisper. "If we fail, our world ends tomorrow."
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thank you
i'll say goodbye soon
though it's the end of the world
don't blame yourself, now
-goodbye to a world, the song that was stuck in my head while writing this chapter
uhh,, yeah. let's end this already-angsty chapter on a super grim note. why not.
there's only eight more chapters to go!! aaaaaaa!!!!
next chapter in a week, as always!
word count- 2979