I'm yours don't give myself back to me. -Rumi
I threw the eyeliner in the dustbin as a chain of swear words left my mouth in its credit. I had applied it three times and I had to cleanse and wash my face for freaking three times.
I sat in front of the dressing mirror and applied eyeshadow with extra care. I had thrown the idea of applying eyeliner with the eyeliner itself.
I wore a long black frock with black churidars and I needed a Smokey eye look to go with it, but a little less vibrant because I was going to university. It was Asmat's speech at the seminar today. She was super excited and I was super petulant.
I patted myself on the back in my head when I was done with one eye. I took the brush and moved to the other eye.
The door knocked. I knew who it was, clamping my lips to suppress a grin I turned around and yelled, "I won't give you my car even if you beg Ghazi!"
The door opened silently. I was failing at hiding my naughty smirk. I would let him beg for it a few times then I'd give him the car. After all, he was my cousin and a caring one, not like that idio... My thoughts were interrupted by the particular idiot's face. My eyes widened.
He came inside, the rich and mesmerizing fragrance of his perfume spread across the room and shut my senses. My insides melted, my heart fluttered side to side, like a bird trying to break free from its cage.
I took a quick glimpse at his attire. He wore a grey button-down shirt I had gifted him, black jeans and the flowery muffler around his neck that he had taken from me on Christmas. His tousled brown hair gave him a devilish look.
He had come prepared. I thought.
His blazing gaze met mine and everything turned into the fire. I saw flames in his golden eyes. Heat consumed my skin, caused by his gaze and my gaze when they met.
Coming to my senses after which felt like a decade, I put on a façade and stood up, furious. "Who are you and who the hell gave you permission to come in."
"Who am I?" he raised his perfect eyebrows. "Whoa, that's cold." A painful smile came to his lips. "Do you want me to remind you who am I?"
The promise of reminding me of those beautiful moments we spent together shone in his eyes. I went restless as I clenched my fist around the makeup brush and huffed.
"Stay five feet away from me."
His eyes roamed on my face and then at the distance between us. "I'm already six feet away from you."
Then, he, like he was waiting for this, took two large steps and now stood in the center of the room.
I whimpered, "Leave me alone!"
"I don't think I was here to leave you alone." He put his hands in pockets of his jeans. His body language showed me he was here to succeed in whatever he wanted and I was freaking out internally.
"What do you want?" I threw the makeup brush away, belligerently.
"To talk, and that's all."
"I need to go," I took the dupatta from the chair and spread it on my shoulders. At this point, I had forgotten that I only had makeup on my one eyes and I had to put eye shadow, blush, and lipstick.
"The door is locked."
"What?" I got confused.
"I locked it."
"I'll open it?" I shrugged.
He chuckled. "You're cute Musca, stupidly cute, I locked the room. You cannot open it."
Oh, I understood. That man! The door could be locked if the person did it from the outside. However, I did not give much thought to it. My mind was consumed with the sight of the man standing before me.
"I'll shout and call everyone!" I challenged, crossing my arms on my chest.
"Sure," he faked a smile, mimicking me by crossing his arms on his chest. "But, you might want to know that, this room is soundproof, second... oh, don't go to the balcony."
He stopped me but I did not stop and shouted. "Can someone please come to my room!"
There was no reply. I again tried. "Jannat! Samina! Junaid is anybody there?" It was strange. This house was full of servants at this time every day but today there were only the voices of birds coming from the garden.
I went inside, furious and ready to break his bones.
"What have you done?" I was frowning so much it hurt, I checked the audio intercom but it was dead too. Damn!
"I was saying, I dismissed the servants, mummy has gone to the doctor, uncle to work, Aryan to his university and..."
I walked to my bed and took my phone, there was no signal, I tried to call Asmat, she was in my emergency calls phone book but it didn't work.
"I turned on the mobile signal jammer." He was enjoying this.
"There's always Wifi." I tried to stay calm; I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of making me helpless, whereas, on the inside, I was howling in helplessness.
He raised his eyebrows and gave me a look like I was stupid. "Do you think I am that stupid Musca? Mai har kam sahi tarah karta hun, no loopholes." [I do everything right, no loopholes.]
I threw my phone away and like a damned child stomped my foot and clenched my fists, yelling. "What do you want?"
"To talk," The smug from his face vanished; the sad and soft Aaliyan was back. He took a few steps towards me until there was very little distance between us.
"I'm sorry, I messed up a great deal, I'm sorry." Muttering, he took me into his arms, carefully.
I was powerful enough to push him away; his grip was not even tight enough to call it a hug.
"You have been crying a lot Musca, aren't you?"
My mind was in a whirlwind. He was my cousin. He was the one I loved. I wanted to push him away, I wanted to snuggle up to him closer. I wanted to shout at him, I wanted to whisper how much I missed him. I wanted to complain he had broken my heart he hurt me. I wanted to apologize for hurting him.
So many emotions at a time, I wanted to slash myself into shreds. Then, I heard myself whimper, my arm went around his torso and I whimpered, tears leaving my eyes, wetting his grey shirt.
"Musca," he sounded hurt. "Don't cry."
I replied with a loud sob. Aaliyan pushed me away with care. He grabbed my shoulders and made me sit on the edge of the bed. I sat cross-legged, crying loudly.
He sat down on the floor and kept his stare on my face. Taking my hand into his, he put it on his chest. His heart was beating abnormally. I forgot crying and looked at him.
"Jo saza dena chahti ho de do, mai seh lunga bus mujhe maaf kardo?" [Punish me if you want to but please forgive me]
"Talk in English," I let out a sob.
"English mai emotions nahi aatey yar," he was trying to be funny.
I pushed my hand from his grip. "I hate you."
"You don't." His face was evidence that these words hurt him a great deal.
"You don't know what goes in my mind every fucking day, all the fucking time."
"You can tell me all that, punish me if you want, just be alright, please." He was begging.
I only sobbed like a child.
"I have never seen someone who looks as cute as you while crying. One eye painted with makeup and the other..." he laughed, it was not a real laugh. It was a mix of pain and love.
"You hurt me so much." My tears might have thought that it was the last chance for them to come out because they were not ceasing at all.
"I'm sorry for hurting you." He took my hands in his.
"You're my cousin and..."
"Just a minute," his tone became serious. I sensed irritation in it. "I have researched on it and luckily, Americans got some sense and cousin marriages are not illegal anymore, not in California at least."
"It's not about what's illegal and what's not!" I whined. "It's about perspective. All my life I bullied people who loved their cousins or slept with them or even worse married them. I feel like this is karma getting back to me. I feel like they put a curse on me."
"You're an idiot!" he stood up, furious. "Musca, yeh bakwas mujhe phir mat sunana tum!
I got up as well. "This is not rubbish Aaliyan, this is how I feel."
He took a deep breath and stared right into my eyes with his golden ones, my heart skipped a beat at the love flooding in his eyes.
"Musca, I won't try to change your perspective, because it would be selfish of me. You'll change your perspective for me because you have to."
I didn't get if he was telling me or ordering me. I wiped my cheeks aggressively. "If it was easy, I wouldn't be crying right now."
"Look at me," I did as he asked. "Do you feel brotherly vibes for me?" He had a smile on his face, slight mock.
I bit my lip harshly and stayed hushed. I had no strength to avert my gaze from his eyes. My eyes wouldn't receive my brain's command.
Aaliyan took my face into his hands softly. My knees buckled at his touch. I clutched his shirt for support. There were tingles all over my body. Weird things happened in my stomach. It was clenching at a time and the other an entire zoo wrestled in it.
I cursed myself. He's your cousin damn it!
Aaliyan's nose touched mine, "Am I only a cousin to you? Don't you feel all the emotions I feel? You drive me wild...Musca." His lips brushed mine. I knew he was trying to control himself. He always did. I, on the other hand, was breathless and vulnerable. It was in Aaliyan's hand if he kissed me or threw me away.
"Am I pretty?" I asked, out of the blue.
"With eye shadow on one eye?" He smirked, his dimple showed itself off, suddenly the shine in his golden eyes grew.
I nodded.
"Yes."
"Am I prettier than Sara?" I bit my tongue when it had slipped. Confusion flickered in Aaliyan's golden for a second and then a smile broke out on his face.
"I have the right to stay silent."
"I loathe you!" Jealousy filled my heart as the air was filled in a balloon.
"You love me." Just like that, his lips captured mine.
Every cell of my body came alive. My body shivered as if I was on the ice, and my face and neck were so hot as if someone was burning me with a lighter, slow, teasing.
Not to forget the emotions, sailing through my body. My thoughts combated in my mind – every thought fighting for control, fighting to win. A war was going inside my head.
Three voices hollered to grab my attention that was fixated on the heavenly sensation of Aaliyan's lips moving with mine. I was only focusing on the drug Aaliyan Haider was.
Then, the voice grew louder, distracting me, guilt trapping me. I had to listen, to choose one among them, who was I with.
"Leave him Musca, he is a na mahram!"
"Mhm, don't you love him Musca, you should do whatever I'm telling you to."
"You're doing something so wrong, so sinful, Astaghfirullah."
"Don't listen..."
"He's your cousin Musca, you're kissing your cousin!"
Five hundred watts current jolted my body and I shoved Aaliyan Haider away, causing his stumble few steps back. I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Stay away from me, you alien!"
Aaliyan's jaw and fists clenched, his nostrils flared and his bloodshot eyes were glassy with tears as he muttered something under his breath.
"Okay. Fine. Fine. Bloody hell, fine," his eyes roamed around and then fixed on the crystal table, seethingly Aaliyan kicked the table, it smashed with a loud noise, I got startled as the crystal shreds spread everywhere in the room.
"Fine, I will fucking stay away," I heard him first-ever time saying the f-word. "Don't bloody come to me when you realize how wrong you are."
"I won't!" I shouted back, my voice cracking with outrage.
"Fine." He turned away motioning out but stopped midway, "By the way, the door was never locked, and the Wifi was turned on, you just never pay attention."
Opening the door, he was out. leaving me angry, hurt and crying. "Fucking liar!"
I cursed for not being a sane person when it came to Aaliyan Haider. Crying, I got onto my bad putting the blanket over me. I needed a long numbing sleep. I wanted to clean my head from all the stupid thoughts. I wanted my heart to stop pounding for that careless man. I wanted to hide somewhere so he would never be able to find me.
Thoughts of going back to the U.S.A and running away from Pakistanis and their bullshit dramas assaulted me many times. But, every time I discarded them wondering I would not run away.
In my subconscious, thinking about how hurt I would be to leave everyone I had grown close to and started to love. Asmat, Uncle Mubashir, my classmates who treated me like a queen, Ghazi.
The café shop owners, who gave me free coffee and treats knowing I was a foreigner, the traffic police, which never took fine money from me saying, "Madam we won't take money from you, you're a guest but please be careful next time."
All those sweet people and their love, could I give that up because I wanted to run away from my feelings? My feelings for Aaliyan Haider, my cousin? Could I?
My head got heavy and my eyes burned from crying so much. Skirmishing with myself, I drowned myself into a deep slumber.
*****
The next few days I confided in my room with a hundred and four degrees fever. I had to eat a handful of medicines every day. Uncle and Mami were worried for me and so was Ghazi. I had no idea about Aaliyan and my pride didn't let me ask anyone to call him. But, good God did I not miss him.
Ghazi told me that I had called Aaliyan for a few times in fever. I excused saying he had a similar name and I was calling him but his smirk had made my cheeks heat up which were already heated up by fever.
Asmat came a few times to visit me. After Asmat, about twenty people from my university came, mostly my classmates and project partners.
Ghazi had been there most of the time, dealing with my whining and my roommates. He was too nice to me. It might be he sympathized with me because I had wept in front of him a few times.
Because of fever, I did not feel hungry. Ghazi being a chef, took excellent care of my eating, cooked various fusion of healthy and delicious foods that I had loved to eat, even very little but I did.
After five days, I was famished to eat loads, and I found the energy in me to go downstairs to eat dinner with everyone. I didn't get ready like I usually did. I was in a simple black kameez with black palazzo trousers. I spread the black dupatta on my shoulders and without combing my hair; I tied them in a ponytail. Putting my feet into my slippers, I headed outside.
The dining hall was bursting with chatter and laughter. When I stepped inside my eyes landed on Aaliyan, who was eating from his plate silently, the tip of his nose was red; he might have got the flu again.
Best friend of rhinovirus! A smile made its way to my lips but left as quickly.
Sara sat next to him, talking continuously to Uncle Mubashir. I experienced a familiar burning in my chest as I breathed and made my way to my usual seat, besides Ghazi.
Ghazi smiled at me, "Welcome your highness, how are you feeling now? Should I call our kingdom's best physician?"
I smiled at him. "I'm fine, no thank you, and pass me the dishes I'm starving."
Ghazi bowed his head and passed me the dish of fried rice.
At last Sara stopped talking and Uncle acknowledged my presence, "Musca, how are you?"
I didn't reply immediately, because I was stuffing my mouth with fried rice. "I'm gh-good."
"Meet Sara, she is your cousin."
My eyes widened, I swallowed the rice and looked at Sara, she was in a stylish white western dress that had a zip on the front, and it was a slutty dress from my perspective. If someone wanted to – and someone would have obviously wanted to unzip her, it would be very easy. She, no doubt looked out of this world and sitting next to Aaliyan, she had the power to make me feel jealous and insecure.
"How is she, my cousin?" I asked, keeping my focus on my plate.
"My father, your mother's father and Sara's grandfather was brothers. That's how she is your cousin."
I did the math in my head and nodded. She was my grand-uncle-father's granddaughter. I rolled my eyes, contemplating if there was a word like that.
I stared right into her squinted green eyes and smiled faintly at her, hiding all the jealousy inside. "Hello, cousin."
"Hello," she smiled, two dimples appeared, giving her face a lot more splendor like it was needed. She had high cheekbones, which made her eyes little when she smiled.
Could she get prettier? I rolled my eyes again
Cocked my head, I muttered to Ghazi. "Why the hell is everyone prettier than me in this family?"
Sudden and loud Ghazi chuckled but he coughed immediately, the food had stuck in his throat.
I patted his back as he drank water. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," and he laughed again, I simpered, happy that I made him laugh.
"Sara was in Italy for five years, now she has come back to Pakistan." Mami enlightened me
"Oh, that's great," I took biryani from a dish, almost taking all of it. "What did you do in Italy?"
"I studied business while I worked in my father's company as a managing director. Now I'm the CEO." She flaunted or it was my jealousy I couldn't make out.
"I'm impressed." I gave a toothy grin and put a spoon full of biryani in my mouth.
"I'm insisting, Sara lives here, with us." Listening to Uncle's words, biryani was caught in my chest - I took the glass and drank water immediately. "She is living alone in her house. I think she should move here. What do you think Musca?"
No! No! No dammit no!
I faked a smile, "I have no objections."
I titled my head and whispered to Ghazi, "I'd kill myself if she sits this close to Aaliyan every day."
He gazed at me with his eyebrows raised and then smirked rubbing it in my face. I tried to come up with something but he turned his face to Uncle and said the most unexpected thing.
"I won't like that." On Ghazi's words, a silence dawned upon the dining hall.
Mami's governess gasped, who stood behind her. I glared at her and she was fast to leave the dining hall, making me smile. I never liked maids being around in family talks.
Do I consider them family now? I frowned.
"What's your problem?" Uncle Mubashir scolded Ghazi.
"My friend is coming to live here for a few days, he is sort of a playboy and I won't like him eyeing my family's girls."
The man of damn high integrity! Duh.
"Tou Musca humare khandan ki nahi hai?" {Is not Musca in our family?}
It was Aaliyan, furious and offended, a fire ignited behind his golden eyes.
"She wears a dupatta all the time." Ghazi gave a lame excuse, I facepalmed. "She is always in her room and she is modest."
My mouth opened wide as I stared at in sheer stun. How could he just affront Sara so openly and credit me for things that were not even admirable? I kicked his foot under the table, jealous and all but Sara did not deserve this.
"Uhm, I mean whatever, I gave you my opinion... whatever." He lowered his face in his plate, so did I.
"Ghazi?" I asked for his attention. I was smiling wildly at his gesture, it was wrong but it was for me.
"Hm?"
"Best friends?"
"Best friends." He smiled, making me laugh.
I had not looked at Sara all that time. When I did, I was startled at the hatred she had in her eyes, glaring daggers at Ghazi and me. I bit my lip, feeling sorry for her.
Then again, I was more interested in my food and Uncle's final decision my ears were there.
"Sara will live with us and that's final." It was Aaliyan's voice, loud, clear and absolute. My heart squeezed, I squashed my eyes hard, trying to suppress the pain. Suddenly, everything seemed empty.
"Whatever," It was Ghazi, disappointed.
I heard Sara saying, "Aaliyan, Perché tua cugina mangia come un maiale?" [Why does your cousin eat like a pig?]
My eyes widened, I snapped my head up, a sting in my heart hurt me, not because she said it, because of who she said it to. I was hurt, damn hurt. Aaliyan covered her face in frustration. I had no clue he understood Italian.
"Yeah, pigs are cute, aren't they?" I replied to her in English, Aaliyan stared at me in shock, almost breathless. He didn't know I had an Italian roommate for three years. "Thank you for considering me as one."
"What did she call you?" Ghazi investigated, with a frown.
"Nothing," I jerked my head and stood up, suddenly I was not hungry anymore.
"Musca, no one..." Uncle got started.
I cut him off, "Yeah, no one leaves the table in your house, but this is not your house legally." I returned Uncle, his words and strolled out of the dining hall.
I wished to vanish in thin air. I had never in my life left so empty, worthless and unwanted. I was leaving Pakistan soon and that was final.
To hell with Aaliyan and damned Sara!