Mark's POV-Age:19
"Last Call for Flight 127, Seoul to Vancouver. Gates will be closing in ten minutes," rang the monotone voice of the painfully uninterested gate attendant over the loudspeaker in the bustling, ever-moving atmosphere of the airport, everyone minding their own business as they fly through the airport with their phones in hand, earbuds plugged in, and heads down with their luggage trailing behind. Everyone except me and the boys, that is.
Even as the people in the fast-paced, brisk atmosphere airport keep moving forward with their day, their minds set on a specific destination just a plane flight away, I find myself somewhat frozen in time, wanting to prolong my fate as long as possible, craving the past instead of the imminent future. A breath of hesitation getting caught in my throat, I look back at my six best friends, tears caught in my eyes, as I realize that this is really it for me, for them, for us.
I'm mere moments from stepping into my foreseeable future, so close to jumping into a deep hole of the unknown, only bound to find out what's inside once I round up the courage to take the leap. I'm not ready, nor do I want to take this leap, but everything is secured now; there's no turning back or second-guessing myself.
All of the boys, Jaemin, Haechan, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle, and Jisung stare back at me, backs standing straight and proud, shoulders rolled back, and close-lipped smiles showing themselves on all of their faces. They're trying to stay strong, to show me that they're proud of me and that they have their full confidence in me to do well back in Vancouver. I'm sure that they're confident in me; they would never lose faith in me, given how long we've been together.
Yet, they're trying to also convey that they know I'll be back home, with all of them, someday. I see that hope and earnesty in their eyes, like the dull glimmer of the moon through the clouds. Both them and I know that hope is there and the shine won't disappear, but at the same time, it's clouded by so many unknowns that will only reveal themselves as time passes so excruciatingly slow.
"Markie, I can see the worry in your eyes. Don't be worried, please. I know that you'll do your best in whatever you do, and I have all of my confidence in you," Haechan whispers, grabbing my hand affectionately. His warmth extends through my body, penetrating through my skin as his touch neutralizes the worries and stress I'm holding inside. My body begins to unravel its many thoughts emotions that are knotting up inside, and I soon feel vulnerable and exposed, like a bare, frayed thread.
"But Mark, I know that what's plaguing you isn't what is necessarily about university and how you'll do, but just like we all have confidence in you, I want you to be confident in us. We'll brave the storm, go on our own paths, but in the end, we'll meet up and be just as happy as we are now, okay? Don't think of this parting moment as something you'll reminisce about. Think of it as a memory, a chapter in a story between all seven of us that will continue to be written until the end," Haechan finishes emotionally, yet pridefully, walking closer to me, his beautiful, glazed over eyes and chocolate irises staring deeper than just my solemn expression and tense body.
Haechan's words strike me like an arrow through the heart, stunning me. I think for a moment, but it doesn't take long to realize that he's absolutely correct. I'm feeding off of and internalizing the fact that they have trust in me to do my best and come back to them an even smarter, more accomplished man, but I haven't explicitly put my full trust in them or in myself, for that matter. And I should have. After all, I've grown up with them by my side and know every last detail about them. In all honesty, I have more confidence in them that they'll be able to keep our beautiful friendship alive than I have in my own ability to do so.
Haechan's also correct on another front. I can't think of this as an ending, as just a part of my childhood to reminisce about when I'm an elderly, experienced man all on my own. That'll only be a chapter, a conflict in the story of our life that'll resolve over time. We'll reconvene soon enough, and the story will continue with all of us together, as a powerful group of friends, before I can realize. At least, that's the mindset I need to hold if I'm going to be able to enjoy, or at least endure, the next four years.
"Thanks, Haechannie. It really makes a difference hearing that from one of you. And I do want to promise you, I have all of my confidence and trust in you six. All of you are so bright, loyal, beautiful, and mature, and I believe in all of you more than I believe in myself. You kids are going to change the world, I swear," I confidently relay, making eye contact with all six of them as I smile shyly, a pink blush painting my cheeks. Though, I can't help my emotions, and as I continue, I stutter a little bit, waves of nostalgia and sorrow hitting me like crashing, foaming waves on the stormy sea.
"I wouldn't trade the last twelve years for anything. Though I've struggled and dealt with plenty of shit, you all have made my life so vibrant and brilliant. You painted my blank canvas of life with a rainbow of colors, taught me how to live, became my querencia, and have given me the best friends a person could ever ask for. I love you six to the edge of the universe and back and I always will. I want all of you to remember that and stow it in the back of your mind and pull it out when you need, especially if you miss me, okay?"
Renjun sniffles quietly, burying his red, tear-stained eyes in the woolen sleeve of his sweater, trying his hardest to avoid showing his pain. My heart crumbles a little bit, feeling as helpless as a lamb in the middle of a forest at twilight. I don't think there's a way to relieve their pain other than to constantly remind them that I'll be back, but that can only alleviate the anxiety and sadness of parting a small bit before they begin to sound like empty promises.
"O-okay, Mark," Jaemin stutters, his wide eyes and cocoa irises glazed over with a tear that refuses to escape, "B-but, I just regret so much. You've meant everything to me since I met you w-when I was four, a-and I'm so, so s-sorry." I cock my head to the side in confusion as I wrap my arms around Jaemin, letting his head rest on my shoulder. Why would he be sorry for anything? As far back as I can recall, he's done nothing wrong, and there would be absolutely nothing for him to regret.
"Jaems, don't say sorry... why would you regret anything? What do you regret?" I soothe as the other boys come close, giving Jaemin a tender hug to palliate his distress. My mind swirls in concern and confusion, as I don't want him to think that anything he did in the past twelve years was ever a mistake. In my eyes, Jaemin could never do anything wrong. He doesn't wilt away like most flowers, shriveling up if it lacks something, but he keeps blooming and growing. To me, he's one of the most beautiful souls in this world.
"I don't know... I just-just, I wish I did more for you, Markie... You were struggling so much as we got older, and I-I don't know-felt like I didn't do enough. Like I didn't spend enough time with you, give you a shoulder to cry on... all of that stuff. And in the blink of an eye, well, here we are, and it's too late to turn back time. I just wish I did more," Jaemin sighs longingly, looking so deep and focused into my eyes that it looks as though he's looking right through me. Resting a hand on my cheek endearingly, his dips forward as his cheek brushes mine, and he softly kisses my cheek.
I'm so struck by his confession that I can't respond. Anyway, I don't have the heart or strength to joke around now, so I dolefully accept his loving kiss, closing my eyelids shut softly as my stomach churns like a hurricane, so torn hearing Jaemin's woeful, but heartfelt, divulgence of pent-up feelings.
"Jaemin... Oh, Jaems... Please, for me, don't continue to think like that. You and the boys did everything you could to make me happy, and you accomplished more than that. Even if you had only spent time for a minute with me each week, I would've been over the moon, okay?" I softly, but firmly tell the younger boy, holding his chin affectionately between my thumb and index finger. Jaemin nods softly, and Renjun goes to give him a reassuring hug.
After Jaemin has calmed slightly and regained some composure, Jeno addresses me like the reliable younger brother he is, and I smile fondly at the timid boy. "Mark, I'm going to miss you so much that even I don't know quite how homesick I'm going to feel without you. Because we're only home when all seven of us are together in each other's arms. I love you more than you know, Markie, and I'm sorry that I don't express my love for you often."
"It's okay, Jeno. You don't have to tell me you love me because I know, bub," I whisper, ruffling Jeno's hair affectionately, "I really didn't know where home was for me for a long time, but it's certainly with you boys. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is always with you," I murmur, nuzzling my nose into Jeno's mop of hair despite being the same height as him.
"I'll be your home, Markie," Jisung pipes up innocently, like a small child saying whatever's on their mind on a whim. I chuckle like the old soul I am and pull Jisung into my embrace, infatuated with the boy who's like my youngest brother. Jisung smiles through the silent tears dripping down the smooth, but chiseled, contour of his face.
"That sounds perfect, Sungie," I reply sweetly, poking his cheek endearingly as Jisung's nose wrinkles up cutely.
Jisung soon continues on, but now speaks with the poise of a grown man, which he is very quickly becoming, "But seriously, Markie, just know that even though we will be an ocean away, we'll be wishing on the same stars at night. That and our dreams will keep us connected even when you're longing to come back the most. We'll be connected for forever, and then even longer than that."
"Of course, Ji. God, when did you get so smart, kiddo? I swear, you were practically a foot smaller than me a day ago, but it's actually been twelve years, and now you're not only wiser than me, you're taller than me too," I reminisce incredulously, thinking back to the times when I was the one sharing my knowledge with him. And now, here he is, so incredibly well-spoken, humble, vulnerable, but strong at the same time.
Lele finally steps closer to me, breaking his sorrowful silence as he turns to me with a new glint in his expression, a strengthened and repaired confidence in his step. Quietly, but with the humble authority of his character, he sidles up to me and tells me, "Mark, it's a fact that this is our fate. But don't ever think this is the end, and please, don't think that we can't be there to guide you and help you just because we won't be with you in Vancouver. We can all still be your lighthouse as you navigate the seas, and that won't change."
Blushing slightly, I nod, agreeing, rubbing the nape of my neck. Time continues to tick down, and I know that our time to part is very near. "Thanks, Lele. You've grown so smart and mature too, kiddo. I love you so much, and I'll definitely ask all of you for help and guidance if I ever need it. You have my word."
"Five minutes until the gate closes for Flight 127," the loudspeaker booms throughout the airport again, and I grow frantic even though my heart stops. The path to my fate continues to inch ever-closer to me, and I take a deep breath in order to bring myself back to the present, to the boys. I need to fully immerse myself in this moment and immerse myself in my best friends, hearing them in person for the last time until I return in four years.
Beckoning to the boys with outstretched arms, we shuffle into a circle as we thread our arms around each other's shoulders. From the outside, it almost looks like a pre-sports game huddle, but on the inside, it's a warm group hug, and my last opportunity to shower them with the little affection I usually give.
"Boys, I love you all so much. The next four years are going to be so hard without you all," I concede, a stray tear managing to slip down my cheek as my heart speeds up anxiously. I'm trying to stay composed, but it's evident in the boys' faces that I'm doing a poor job at it, and they can clearly sense my pain and sadness. Then, I decided to address each of them, one by one.
"Renjunnie, I know you'll be the perfect leader to them throughout the rest of school, so please, please, please, don't doubt yourself and trust your instinct. All of them will certainly look up to you as they do for me, so please be that brotherly figure in their lives, and be a rock for them when they're at their worst times. I have my full trust in you, Junnie, and you've grown so incredibly much from that timid, hesitant boy, to an outgoing, vibrant young man. I know you'll prove your worth and potential to your parents, the boys, and the world."
"Jeno, please make sure to hold on to the qualities you still possess, even in your times of despair and uncertainty. Your level-headedness, loyalty, kindness, and selflessness grounds our group of friends and you bring such a beautiful and calm benevolence in all of our lives. Don't let the boys tease you too much, okay, but know that we all love you so incredibly much. You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for, and you're such a bright, young talent. You're going to go places in life, Lee Jeno, so please hold onto your confidence and poise, because I know that you're going to pave such a bright future for yourself."
"Haechannie, oh, Haechannie. You're one of the most interesting, beautiful, dazzling, and vivacious people I know. God, if I had never met you and you hadn't been your intriguing, mischievous self, this whole friendship with all seven of us would have never bloomed. Sometimes, I know you can get caught up in the details of things and feel guilty later on when things don't work out, but I want you to know that you should never lose hope. Life is hard, and though the choices we make can lead us in certain paths, they don't define us and you as a person are a master of how to carve the direction of your future. Just please, Haechannie, stay the beautiful boy you are and continue to reach for the stars and discover your future and your own self."
"Nana, you're incredible to me. Like absolutely incredible. I've never met someone so proud, confident, and positive as you are, but that's what makes you so magnetic and fascinating. Honestly, I don't know what advice to give you, just because you are so self-assured in a really humble way, and I know you're going to break boundaries no matter what I tell you. So, I guess, just keep being yourself, Jaems, because it's going great for you. Keep discovering your individuality, and showing the other boys how liberating it is to be your genuine, real self."
"Oh, Chenle. You've evolved so much since I first met you. You've always been such a joyful, mischievous, but incredibly welcoming boy, and in some ways, those qualities have only magnified over the years. But on the other hand, you've gained such maturity and understanding of those around you, and the impact your comfort and words have on us is so important. Heck, you've even saved some of us in certain ways. Lele, please keep singing and letting your voice be heard unabashedly, but at the same time, let you as a person shine through more unabashedly. Love is all around you, and if you open up your heart and see that there's a person around you willing to love you deeper than anything else, I promise, you'll be so happy for the rest of your life."
"My baby, Jisung. In my eyes, you'll always be that same awkward baby chick that was sitting by himself at the playground, but I can't ignore the evolution of your character. Though you still are shy at times, I can't deny how much you've opened up and matured. I know you've struggled so much throughout the years, but you've only grown stronger and have become a better person since each incident. You, Sungie, have a prosperous future ahead of you, and what I want you to do is to look at yourself in a brighter light. You're so much more talented, beautiful, and worthy than you think you are, and I want you to grow your confidence, as that is the only way you'll grow as a person. And just like I said to Lele, look around you. We all love you so dearly, but there's a person willing to love you even harder and help guide and shape you as a lover, not a friend. Just open your heart, and you'll see."
All of the boys smile sadly, but I can see that they're accepting my words with their hearts full and open for me. A few shed some tears, but with a few promises and words of reassurance, their spirits are repaired.
"Flight 127 boarding ends in two minutes. This is the final call for boarding before the gates close," rings the last announcement of the loudspeaker.
I entered the airport with my heart full of uncertainty, but as I see my best friends around me, wishing me the best and blessing me with words of comfort and reassurance, I begin to feel a little better. My heart still feels heavy, like a weight pulling me down, but some of the cloudiness of my future begins to clear a little bit more.
Taking a deep breath in, I say my last words to them before I have to cross the ocean and start a new life, "As all of you told me, this is only passing, and the years will pass right before our eyes, and we'll be reunited soon. This is certainly not the end, it's only the bookmark in our story together that will be resumed soon. But, I don't want you all to think that I'm about to depart for good. I'll be back soon. If I ever feel lost or unsure about myself, I'll tell you. I don't want to make it obvious, so I don't worry you all, but I'll call back home, so don't worry."
"All seven of us together; experiencing new things and living out our youth. I hope we always feel like this."
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That's the end of the flashbacks!
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Though we do have another section of the book coming, it won't be very long, so only expect around 3-6 more chapters. With all of my heart, thank you for supporting me throughout the duration of this book.
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