Life goes on, so ironic. If I could do it all over again I'll probably smoke chronic, but still follow the footsteps of Prophet Muhammad, I'd turn every lie that I told honest.
I'll be an eco terrorist, I'll give the middle finger to my therapist, and flush my sedatives. I'll have a baby with a feminist and name him sexist, life's a contradiction, on my checklist.
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~ A H M A D ~
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"I really need a shave." I scrub my facial hair with my fingers and feel how it has grown more than I'd want it to. "Don't you think Mama?"
She's sitting somewhere opposite me on the dining table while Harrison is sitting beside me to my left. Over these two months, he has grown to be so close that he's now like family and we have all our meals on the table together. There were too many helps in this house and too little family, I'd rather Harrison join the family than the helps.
"I don't know Ahmadi, I'm still surprised that my little baby boy has to shave." Mama sighed and I just wanted the ground beneath me to open up and swallow me whole. She did not just say that in front of Harrison.
"Okay then, a shave it is." I conclude as well as cut the conversation to save myself from any further embarrassment and just continue eating my chips.
I can't see myself enough to decide if it'd be better for me to go clean shaven or leave the light stubble that has been forming since Harrison helped me shave almost a week ago. It was Monday morning, the first day of the so called tech support class I was to attend for the next three months and I really wanted to look my best. Of course, the reason being a certain angelic voice that hasn't left my head since I heard it two days ago.
"No habibi, don't shave, you kind of look more natural and laid back with a light beard, you know cool." Mama said almost excitedly. Okay, what was wrong with my mom?
"Okay..." I say awkwardly and continue picking up the last of my chips with my fingers.
I had taken to eating with my hands more since handling cutleries were harder when one couldn't see. Mama has even totally forbidden me from eating with forks lest I stab my tongue or swallow it and stab my heart or pick my brains out or even stab my eyes and turn even blinder than I already am.
"The class is from 9 am to 2 pm right?" Mama asks and I nod my head while chewing my chips. "Then since you'll be busy with that all through the week, I scheduled your consultation with the doctors during the weekend, this Saturday."
"Okay, sounds good." I mutter boredly.
No way was I going to pin my hopes on something even the doctors weren't sure of. I might as well just make myself accept that this state is incurable, that being blind is indeed how I'm going to spend the rest of my life instead of getting my hopes up only to have them crash to the ground when the procedure or whatever it is fails and I inevitably go back once again to my suicidal wishes. I'm no pessimist, but it's better I go into this with no hope whatsoever of getting a positive outcome.
"But you don't sound happy Ahmadi," I feel Mama's hand over mine. "something wrong?"
"No, says who? I'm very happy Mama." I smile widely to make myself sound more convincable. "And besides, since the treatment is called steroid therapy, there's a good chance that I might become ripped while I'm undergoing it."
Mama laughs and I'm relieved that I was convincing, the last thing I wanted was for her to be worried. "I'm no doctor Ahmadi but I'm sure they're not talking about those kind of steroids."
"Oh no," I feign dissapointment. "I was really looking forward to having a six pack and killer biceps without working out."
Mama laughs some more and this time, I hear even Harrison join along. I continue with my breakfast and after I feel around the plate and I'm sure that all my chips are gone, I gulp down the rest of my orange juice and turn to Harrison, asking if he's done too. He is and he helps me to my room to get ready for school.
At a few minutes to 8 am, I was done and ready to head out. I was dressed in what Harrison told me was a navy green bomber jacket and a grey shirt with black trousers. My trustee retro looking shades were over my eyes and a pair of black Vans sneakers on my feet.
I had foregone the shave at Mama's request and left the stubble of facial hair on my chin and sideburns. I'm not full of myself or anything but I really didn't need to look at the mirror to know that I did look good. Appearance had never been an issue for me since without the least bit of effort, people always called me the most good looking and I know I owed it to the mix of my dad's Nigerian Fulani genes and my mom's Egyptian Berber genes.
My leg was starting to get better day by day and I know within the week or so, I won't be in need of the wheelchair and I'll be able to stand on my feet. I had always been very fast in recovering, probably thanks to the countless times Baba had broken my bones, my body must have adapted itself to fast recuperation.
I sat on the wheelchair as Harrison started wheeling me forward and we made a stop in the living room where Mama was.
"Awwn my Ahmadinajad, you look hot." Mama squealed and now I was sure, definitely something was wrong with her.
"Mama, why are you talking like that?"
"What? Isn't that what they call it? And why can't I talk like that? I'm forty seven Ahmadina, I'm not that old." Mama's tone suggested that she rolled her eyes.
"Yes, definitely but still." though I wasn't sure where he stood now, I lowered my voice to a whisper so Harrison wouldn't hear. "At least not in front of Harrison, it's embarrassing."
And as if she didn't hear me, she just lowered herself to my face and kissed me on both cheeks. "You'll always be my little Ahmadinajad, no matter how big you think you've grown." and as if that wasn't embarrassing enough, she ruffles my hair and kisses me a third time on the crown of my head.
"Yeah okay, can we go now?" I ask impatiently.
"Yes you can, since you just can't wait to get away from me." again, I imagine she rolled her eyes.
"You know that's not true Mama." I say as Harrison starts wheeling me away. "I love you!" I called out before we went out there door, not caring how embrarassing it is this time.
Immediately we were settled in the car, I don't ask Harrison which it is this time too and feel the dashboard and radio area. It matches with the C400 I had committed to memory and I was sure that was the car we were in.
"C400, right Harrison?"
"Right sir!" he answers joyfully, just as proud of me as I was of myself, I was finally starting to get a hang of this.
The radio played softly as Harrison drove us at a steady speed. The song playing was coincidentally a favorite of mine; J. Cole's For Your Eyes Only. I closed my eyes as I pondered deeply on the lyrics. This was exactly why J Cole was my favorite artiste, there was so much more to his songs than just the usual cursing and bragging of the rest of the rappers. His rap was true art that stirred the soul, evoked strong emotions and struck me at a spiritual level.
For those moments, I was lost in a kind of trance and though it was of no use since I was already in darkness, I closed my eyes and drifted to the sound of the slow and steady booming beats. It was like a kind of mediation and for that moment, in all honesty, I forgot that I was blind. I forgot that the life I live in now is one which is devoid of light, both literally and theoretically, and that even if I opened my eyes, the darkness won't go away, the light won't come my way.
"Sir," Harrison says and my eyes snap open, reminding me that indeed, the darkness was my reality, my eyes were forever closed even though they were wide open.
"Yeah Harrison?" My voice was hoarse as if I've been awaken from a dream which in some way, I have and I feel the car pull to a stop.
"I think it's that lady we saw on Friday, she's walking on the pavement and you know its a long way from the gates to the halls."
"Which lady Harrison?" I ask even though I kind of already know the answer. "Asiya Haroona?"
"Yes sir, her."
"Where's she now?"
"She's walking on the pavement ahead and we're at the checkpost, waiting for the security to finish inspecting the boot of the car."
"Then pick her up when we get there." But a second thought makes me doubtful. "Oh don't you think, she needs a ride? Is she perhaps walking there on purpose?"
"I'm not sure sir but,"
"You're not sure? Can't you tell by how she's walking?" I was just convinced that if I were the one who could see, I'd easily be able to make that out.
Harrison is hesitant to answer, perhaps he was busy looking at her and trying to come up with an answer for my ridiculous question. "Sir, I'm not sure how to tell if she's walking on purpose but-"
Once again, I don't wait for him to finish his point before I abruptly cut in. "How can you not be sure? Just look at her properly, is she walking like this?"
Though the fact that I was seating in a car seat restricted my movement with my legs, I try to do a little movement with my waist and legs and show him what I imagine the gait of a girl who's purposely walking a distance of half a mile looks like.
"Or like this?" I do a different movement to show him how the opposite of that looks like.
No doubt Harrison was looking at me like a person who has just escaped from a mental asylum and I know I very well deserved it. It's only now that I realised how stupid I must look and how impossible it is for a person to tell the intentions of someone is just by looking at them. Was I already starting to forget what vision was like? I think I was and I have been over exaggerating the capacities of sight, forgetting that it can't penetrate beyond the surface and what you see doesn't determine what lies within.
"Sorry Harrison," I run a hand over my chin. "Just pull over ahead and we can ask her."
The security were done with their job and Harrison started driving slowly forward and just a few seconds later, he honked and pulled over. We've reached where she was and I hear the screech of my window as Harrison pulled it down.
So I was supposed to say something now? She was out at my side of the window and all I have to do is politely ask her if she wants to join us the rest of the way inside the university. I feel a gust of wind and the wamrth of the morning sun on my face as I turn my head outside and in the direction I guess she must be standing. Here goes nothing.
"Morning Asiya, need a ride?" really? That's as politely and gentlemanly as I can get?
It took a while before I heard a reply and I started fretting perhaps I didn't ask it right? Or more impossibly, perhaps Harrison was playing a prank on me and there was absolutely no one there, I was only talking to air.
"S-sure." it was the same voice, laced with the same angelic melody and even the same nervousness.
There's some shuffling and I hear the back door open up and close. The car starts with a rave and is it just me or has the whole ambience of the car completely changed? There seems to be something wafting in the air now. A different smell, tangy as well as sweet and I knew it was her. Together with my other senses, my sense of smell has also increased greatly and I could tell when one of the maids burned our food when I was nowhere near the kitchen or when Mama's deep and musky scent told me she was approaching me before I even heard her footsteps and then now, another scent I'm familiar with, the light and airy sweetness of Asiya.
I couldn't help imagining what she looks like today too, what she's dressed in. Another pink and yellow ankara perhaps? I don't know about pink but the colour yellow suits her. And since I still can't form a picture of her face, I see her as the colour yellow. It just suits how she feels like a bright and radiant ball of happiness. The opposite of me. And that was when I started to wonder what she must think of me. The drive was too quite and too awkward, no way was I going to allow my first impression to be so plain so I definitely have to come up with an icebreaker.
"So Asiya," I begin my attempt. "Do you usually walk from the gates to campus? You a fitness freak?"
Freak? Why the hell did I use that word? Oh well, it's too late to take it back and I just brace myself for her reply.
"N-no, not really, my Yaya was in a hurry, so I told him to just drop me off here."
Oh so she had an older brother, well that will slightly prove to be an inconvenience to my plan since in all honesty, I know I do look like the douche most brothers would keep their sisters away from. Even Farida's brother clearly never liked me and if I had a sister, I'd keep her away from someone like me too. But even though he might be an obstacle, this Yaya surely won't deter my plans. Thank God these are only my inner thoughts cause I know I not only sound like a creep, but a serial killer who's planning on molesting and burying her corpse.
I coughed and cleared my mind of such weirdness. "So he usually drops you off?"
"No, I usually take a taxi. He dropped me off today cause-" she stopped abruptly and I could hear how she was hesitant to continue. "he just offered to drop me off today cause he was going somewhere nearby so..."
"Oh, cool." I say for lack of any other sensible thing to say.
I thought that might be the end of our conversation but luckily for me, my fears didn't comes true and Asiya continued it.
"I hope you have your laptop, charger and a note and pen with you?"
Laptop? check. Charger? check. But Note and pen? How the hell was I going to write if I can't see anything? But since I didn't want to look dumber than I already look, I answer;
"I'm sorry but note and pen? I'm not sure I can use those... anymore."
"No I don't mean the normal pen and paper I mean..." you mean what? "...I mean yes you can write, you just don't know how to yet." she reassures and I'm shocked. I can write even though I'm blind?
"Do you know braille?" she asks again.
Of course I know braille but I'm getting a feeling she meant not just know it, but know how to read and write in it which I totally don't.
"Uhmmm not really," I answer. "It's been barely three months since this," I gesture to myself and hope she'll understand I was meaning my blindness. "happened. So I'm still coping, I don't know a lot of things."
"That's why we're here," by her tone, I sense she must be smiling perhaps sympathetically? "we'll do our best to teach you all these things and believe me, it's not hard at all. I'm sure you'll get around to doing them sooner than later and you'll realize that being visually challenged doesn't close the doors to any opportunities, there's still a whole lot of things you can do."
This little pep talk just boosted my spirits to a high I hadn't experienced since before the accident and a better bonus, it made Asiya hotter. Though definitely, I didn't agree with that bit about being blind not closing the doors to any opportunitones since I now can never fly a plane, which for me, is the most important thing being sighted can give me and being blind snatched away from me. If it was Mama, I'd definitely have more issues with what she said than just the opportunities bit, I'd take it that she was only saying everything to make me feel better and believe that my life wasn't at a dead end but when Asiya said it, it just sounded totally real and not sugar coated or anything. Cause who am I to her that she'd even care to make me feel better? I even called her a freak just a few minutes ago and I won't be surprised if she hates me already.
"Okay, I'm looking forward to it." I smile and just a few moments later I feel the car slowly halt to a stop after making some maneuvers. Harrison must've parked us in the parking lot.
I hear the back door open and she steps out, and since I don't hear footsteps walking off, I figure that she must be standing at the door. Oh no, she better not be waiting for us to go in together. I don't want her to see how I'll get up from my seat and Harrison has to support me before I sit on the wheelchair. That would definitely ruin my already slim chances of winning her over.
I reel down the window and look out, hoping again, my head's in the right direction. "It's okay Asiya, you can go in. We'll just follow after."
"You sure?"
"Yeah it's fine." I feel the warmth of the sun on my face once again, this time it was beating down much harsher.
"Okay, thank you so much for the ride." I hear her steps walking away. They were sharp as they made contact with the pavement and I was sure she was wearing heels.
Once they'd faded, I let Harrison help me out of the car and into the wheelchair I'll be trapped in for atleast another week.
As he wheels me into the familiar building, I remember that that same parking lot was where, much to my dismay, I had run into Ebitoye. I wonder what he was even doing here since this wasn't the university he attended but whatever it is I don't care, I just hope to God that we don't run into each other again since true to his words, he did call me during the weekend and suggested that we meet up but I declined and then blocked his number immediately afterwards. Friends were the last things I want in my life now and if I could part with Khalid and get him out of my life, Ebitoye stood no chance.
Through the noisy chatter of university kids and many other sounds I couldn't even figure out, we finally enter the hall Asiya had described to me with so much detail. But I sense one thing was greatly different today, there was a lot of noise and commotion and I figure that all the fifteen seats must be filled with my classmates.
I wonder if Asiya was here but I just trust my sense of smell and simce I couldn't smell her scent, I conclude that she isn't. Harrison took me to an empty seat, I got myself up the wheelchair and into what by its feel, is a glazed wooden chair with a glazed wooden table at my front and since there's nothing else he had to do, I told Harrison he could leave and maybe wait in the cafeteria or any other place he'd like.
"If I could have your attention please!" a loud female voice finally cuts through the hustle and bustle and it sounded kind of familiar though I know I had to rack my brain to pieces before I could figure where exactly I've heard or before.
The noise gradually faded and quietude takes over and just like me, I assume my other blind classmates have their ears to the lady speaking before us.
"Okay good." the familiar voice continues and I hear the sound of heeled footsteps, some other lady has entered and I start to get a whiff of the familiar scent confirming that it is Asiya.
"Goodmorning everyone and welcome to the first day of our lessons! I'm very glad to see all seven of our participants are present and no one's late, I hope we can keep that up! I am Maryam Jada and together with my colleague Asiya Haroona, we will be your instructors and aslo your bestfriends for as long as you're here."
This Maryam Jada, as she's introduced herself, is someone I've crossed paths with before but I still have no idea where and how. She sounds nice though her voice posesses an authoritative and intimidating air to it. That's probably why she's doing the announcements instead of Asiya.
"So lets start with the introductions and know each other more." Maryam Jada continues. "Fatima, why don't you start."
To be truthful, this sounds like it's going to be torture since I'll have to wait and listen to a bunch of random blind people talking about themselves and even more torture since I'll have to talk about myself too. I wish everyone would just shut up and Asiya would do all the talking.
"Okay," the girl I assume must be the Fa... Fa... Fatima starts. Yes, that name sounds so much like Farida that its almost too hard to say.
"Hello all, my name's Fatima Ibrahim, I'm eighteen years old and I just graduated from secondary school last year."
"That's good Fatima, tell us more about yourself? Like your likes and dislikes, your favorite things to do, to eat and stuffs like that? And you can add anything else you think we should know, be free since we're all going to be together for the next three months and hopefully be the best of friends." Maryam must've clapped her hands in excitement cause I heard a sharp sound through the air.
No thank you, I just want to be bestfriends and more with only one person in this room and it sure as hell isn't either of you.
"Okay Aunty Maryam, I really don't like reading, like those WAEC exams have drained my brain so much that I don't think I'll enjoy reading for a long while now. I like watching TV, taking pictures and especially selfies and my favorite food is Dan Wake and sometimes pizza though I really don't like cheese. And oh, I have a big crush on Ronaldo and I'm probably his biggest fan."
Excuse me? Taking pictures? Watching TV? Is this girl even sure she's blind? How can she do either of those things? And how does she even know how Ronaldo looks enough for her to crush on him? But what do I know? I suppose I'm the dumbest person here.
"Good Fatima, and also tell the class if you were born blind or it was a sickness or...?" Maryam asks what I think is not just a ridiculous question, but a disrespectful one because of how personal it is. How was it okay to just bluntly ask that and expect an answer?
"Yes Aunty Maryam, I was born blind so I'm blind now for eighteen years and three months and six days." Fatima answers as uncaringly as if she was asked about where she was from and I'm left aghast. I'm guess she's too much of a teenager to take it seriously and know anything but does that mean that I'll have to answer these same questions?
"Okay thank you Fatima, you can sit down." what? So she's even been standing the whole time? Does it mean that I'll have to stand too? Ugh...
"Next, Grace." Maryam calls out.
"Hey everyone, my name's Grace Ikechukwu and I was born blind too. I'm twenty two years old and I enjoy eating abacha like a lot! And because of that, I even have my own cassava farm back in our village. And also, I love dancing. I even have a dance group called The Amazing Graces so yes, when you're in need of dancers for any event, call us. I might even give you a discount you know!"
Everyone burst out laughing and I'm the only one who has a dumbfounded expression on my face. You have to be kidding me. How ridiculous did having a cassava farm just cause you like eating abacha sound? And Dancer? A blind dancer? Really? How in the hell is that even possible? How can she possibly see and choreograph her moves?
"Okay Grace thank you, we'll surely call you up for our events." Maryam giggles and I hear a softer more melodic voice join along somewhere in the background, Asiya.
"Roland, please go next." Maryam orders.
"Hello guys, my names is Bankoley Samuel Roland, I'm thirty years old," someone older than me, finally. "I'm currently getting my PhD in Trade and Commerce, what I enjoy is learning and teaching and unlike Fatima and Grace, I wasn't born blind, I got sick a few years ago and gradually lost my sight. Now, I'm gradually losing a bit of my hearing too so if you talk to me and I don't reply, please don't be mad, I probably didn't hear you. But now, I use hearing aids so my hearing isn't that bad. It's nice to be here, I look forward to knowing all of you and learning from our sisters, Maryam and Asiya."
Well that was a slap on the face. A very hard and fast slap. The very person who thought he had the worst life and most awful fate in the world just found someone who has it much worse than him but is still, by the sounds of it, happy? And alive? And breathing? He lost his sight gradually, bit by bit, going through the torture of seeing the world in front of him fade little by little and now, the same thing's happening to his hearing?
This blind and half deaf guy is even getting a PhD whereas I think I'm too unfortunate and it's too late to just finish up the one year I have to complete to get my law degree and start Law school. Well that was definitely what you call a hot slap in the face as well as, somewhere mixed with the feeling of guilt, a self esteem boost.
"Thank you Roland, we look forward to learning from you too. Then Ahmad could you please go next?"
Me? Oh no, but oh well, here goes nothing. Of course I don't even try to stand up and just begin sitting down.
"Okay, hey everyone. I'm Ahmad Sambo and I'm twenty five years old, well roughly twenty six since my birthday's coming up next month, and I enjoy flying." I sense that that sounded ridiculous and they all must not have understood what I meant so I went on to elaborate. "I meant flying airplanes, it's less of a hobby and more of a passion actually, and I was on the way to getting my commercial pilot's license when..." just say it, you can do it. "I had an accident two months ago, and that was how this happened. Apart from a broken arm, I came out almost totally unscathed except for the fact that I had a head injury that made me blind." I attempt to laugh probably to show that I was over the whole thing but who was I kidding? Even I knew that I sound stupid and pathetic.
"Okay..." Maryam says and I can sense she must feel either awkward or sympathetic. "thank you Ahmad. And Mrs Akintola, please go next."
"Good morning my brothers and sisters, My name is Halimat Akintola and I'm forty two years old. I enjoy reading and knitting and cooking. I like to eat everything, I don't know which is my favorite food and I have five children two of which are blind and I was born blind too." By the sound of her voice, this woman is big. Like exactly the fat teachers and aunty types of women you want to stay away from for fear of them eating all your lunch food.
"Mrs Akintola, thank you very much. Next, Shakira."
"Morning everyone, my name's Shakira Akintola and I'm sixteen years old. I'm in SS2 (11th grade) and I enjoy singing and reading and baking and also watching Nickelodeon. My favorite food is anything made of pastry like meat pies, cakes, anything as long as it's baked! And Like my mother said, me and my brother were born blind."
Is it my fault that I had barely heard anything through out all she had said cause the most obvious song that applied to her name was playing in my mind and frankly, I enjoyed listening to it and imagining the hot belly dancing instead of listening to her. I never really knew that she could dance like this, she makes a man wanna to speak Spanish, como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa si! Shakira, Shakira! And it went on and on and on.
"Thanks Shakira and Abdul Ganiyy, your turn." Maryam ruins my happy hour and I'm brought to a land where the Shakira isn't an insanely hot belly dancer but some teenage blind girl. Sigh.
"H-hey all, m-my name is-is Abdul Gan-iyy A-Akki-kintola. I am-am nineteen ye-years o-ol-old. I-I-I enjoy li-listening t-to mmmusic an-and m-making some my-myself. I real-really wouuuld lik-kke to be-be a D-D-DJ so whe-when y-ou c-call G-Ggrace to d-d-danccce on an-ny of yo-your e-e-e-vents, you c-c-can call-call m-me to be-e your D-DJ, I wil-will give dis-discounts too. Like-ke Sh-sh-Shshakira said, I wa-was borrrn bli-blind too."
Well not to sound mean but it was a torture hearing this stammering kid talk. Though I felt he was the person whose interests matched mine the closest, I figured there was a reason Maryam had left him for last, he's the lamest of us all. No offense kid.
"Thank you Abdul Ganiyy and that's all! We welcome all our seven participants, I just know that we'll have a blast together!" Maryam claps loudly again. "Now let's get to work!"
By all means let's do! I've been thrown into a bunch of blind cartoon characters anyways but atleast there's one upside and her name is Asiya.
A/N
Lyrics from the very first paragraph up above are from K'naan's "Gold in Timbuktu"