"Its 7 in the morning, ive gotta get up, ohhhhhh im so tired," I watched Bondy where he stood, drunk and swaying, half lost his balance atop of a coffee table, a glass of red wine in his hand, the liquid slopping around in the glass wkth his erratic movements and yet somehow never spilling over the edge. He was in one of those moods again, a particularly French mood, so i hadnt been able to stop him before he'd gotten his hands on the aux and now all I could do was sit back and watch as he danced and sang, all gyrating hips and sexual groans to Jacqueline Taieb.
"Well lets put some music on it will get me going, i dont know how about something like talkin bout my g g g g generationnnnnnn!" he cried out one arm raised to the sky, raising a laugh from me when he jumped from the table to the floor and, having noticed Benjis camera trained on him, started serenading down the lense without a worry for might be watching at the other end.
He was brilliant, thats all I'd ever tell anyone about Bondy, but when I said brilliant I meant brilliantly mad.
"The red one is my fathers, the blue one is my mothers, the yellow one is my mothers... Mine must have gone with the wind..." he sighed, hand to forehead and jumped back up, working his hips to an alarming extent.
I couldn't picture my own working so hard.
"Bondy mate," i sniggered thinking, stupidly, that I could get through to him but I couldn't. No one could get through to him once the french new wave came on. After this it would be Jane and Serge, after them it would be something electronic and then, maybe then we would be able to reach him again.
Still he didn't get as far as Bonnie and Clyde because as his strange 7 in the morning song began to fade out and he was all dramatically lapping up the outro his phone began to ring and he was forced to pick it up.
"I thought we..." i started only teasing him of course when I held up my hand to try and snatch it away from him. It wasn't that our isolation rule had gone out of the window, it was just that we were all missing someone and we were all making excuses now. It wouldn't be fair for me to get a call to Fliss if he couldn't call whoever he liked. Whoever he liked being Saffron.
He didn't smile however when he picked up the phone, he didn't even hum along with what she was saying like he usually would. Instead I saw him grinding his teeth, swallowing down his frustration, his adams appls bulging and popping with the strain of it, and then he was gone. One finger in his ear as he legged it outside into the dark if the evening, strangely sobered by the voice on the end of the line.
I looked to the other lads, raised my brow. It hadn't crossed my mind that it might not be Saffron on the phone to him.
"Thats weird," said Bob as if to confirm that we all were thinking the same thing.
If I'm being honest it made me nervous, how quickly he'd jumped from his two extremes. I almost wanted to follow him outside, pretend to be smoking and listen in, but something about the look on his face when he'd brushed past me, phone to ear, all frowns and pooling concerned eyes, made me think twice. In our silence we could hear him anyway.
"Put her on the phone to me," he sighed, i strained my neck to see his hand in his hair through the window. And then just like that his tone changed entirely, "alright buttercup," he spoke softly, "kitty says you've been in the wars," and just like that we were all listening in. "ey, shh Saffy you're gonna be alright, you're safe now darlin," he was being ever so careful, ever so gentle. I felt my stomach twist with a nervousness. Uncertain what exactly had warranted his caution. "ey buttercup you're upsettin yourself just take a coupla deep breaths for me, it want your fault Saffy," he said the rest of his words a string of similarly soothing and yet ever more certain sentiments. I wondered whether they were helping her, because they were only making me more nervous. More and more aware that something bad had happened to our girls and we weren't there to help them.
I wanted to call Fliss, but something stopped me, I wanted to make sure she was alright but I was nervous I'd find out that she wasn't and in the end it was a good job I hadn't because she wouldn't have picked up the phone anyway. Listening in on Bondy I could tell it was serious. The mood in the room seemed to drop and when I looked up to look at Benji he was texting Kitty all fingers and thumbs with a lump of worry in his throat.
"Saffy, treacle listen to me, you're okay now, that's what matters Saff, it doesn't matter what you took or any of that, this wasn't your fault..."
Somehow knowing that she'd taken something made it worse.
When we'd been away I'd been happy to get coked up with Fliss, caught up on her energy, her lifestyle influencing me a little too much. I'd been desperate to get on her effervescent level and so I hadn't really minded the comedowns and the way it sent my heart into overdrive. But once she'd gotten sick it had been a wake up call and I hadn't touched the stuff since. Not touching it made it that much easier for you to see all the damage it was doing, day by day, to the ones you loved.
And now Saffy was crying down the phone to my best mate and he was chewing his cheek just trying to sooth her, telling her he didn't care what she'd taken, that it wasn't her fault. I felt a little nauseous knowing that it could be so much worse than we thought.
It felt like he was on the phone for hours. Felt like we were all just sitting there waiting, muscles stiffening until we ached with the tension of waiting on Bondys return, hoping for some kind of smile and an everythings fine. But we weren't so naive, we knew that wouldn't be the case. Perhaps thats what made it so much worse. Knowing we were right to be worried.
"Alright," Bondy let out a sigh when he finally did return and we all jumped to attention, eyes fixed on him for an exolanation. He wore a nervous smile and he didn't explain.
"Any chance I can be excused for 24 hours?" he asked leaning on one foot more than the other, hand on the back of his neck, wincing. Knowing it was a lot to ask.
"Bond whats happened?" asked Larry, but Blakes got there first.
"Kate says Saffs been spiked,"
When Benji spoke I noticed Bondys fingernails digging into his jeans.
"Yeah," he nodded, "but she was already too high when it happened and when she passed out they thought it was because she'd taken a dodgy pill..." i couldnt tell but he almost seemed to be choking on it.
"Fuckin hell Bond is she okay?" asked Larry who looked guilty when he realised he'd cut him off. That he'd probably been about to tell us that part anyway.
"Shes awake now, but shes in the hospital and theyre all there with her. She's just a bit, i dont know," he breathed and when he looked up from his shoes he didn't look at anything, just sort of stood staring out the window into the darkness, shoulders deflated. Almost vacant.
"mate," i sighed with one of those endeared smiles, in any other circumstances I'd have laughed at his uncertainty, "I can write a song wherever, we can leave the minute one of us sobers up enough to drive..."
He almost looked like he didn't belive me, eyeing me up with a fond suspicion, swaying a little as he lost his balance again. He'd seemed sober on the phone but I could tell he wouldn't be for awhile.
"I'll drive," said Bob standing up, "I've not had many," he shook himself up, clapped his hands together as if trying to get warm, "give it an hour or somet?" he asked and I looked to John, as if it was all up to him. "Bondy mate, she's alright, don't worry we'll get there," he said pulling him into a hug, warming my heart with how quickly he'd understood the subtle panic in our friends eyes.
Bondy was usually the laid back one, even in a crisis he was the one who could take a step back. Tonight though you could see the worry in him. Perhaps it was how she'd sounded on the phone, perhaps we wouldn't see it until we saw her.
So I put the kettle on and we listened to Van Morrison whilst we gathered our things and did the dishes. Me and Bondy loitering round the sink with the fairy liquid and the tea towels.
"Yous feel guilty don't you?" i asked in the quiet of Purple Heather.
He nodded his hand hidden by a tea towel as he dried another plate and wandered over to the cupboard to put it away.
"Yeah," he chuckled, "i know i shouldn't like,"
"no," i smirked, "but you do thats just the way it goes,"
"Yeah," he nodded swallowing down a lump, "like when Fliss was in the hospital with Katie right?"
"Yeah mate," i said, "fuck me that was a rough few days,"
"Yeah," he nodded and I could tell that though he wanted to talk about it now he was struggling to get his around it and my heart broke a little bit for him.
It was hard, not being there for them but that was why everyone had always warned us against serious relationships for now. Always wait till its settled down before you meet someone.
Because its really hard to care about people you're so far away from. It hurts to care for people you can't get to.
Even when its just a bad day or a headache they're having, you wanna be there, drive to bring them flowers or make them a brew, tuck them up in bed with a bowl of soup, but you can't. And sometimes youre half the world away from them and all the words in the world aren't enough to communicate even half the things you feel for them.
But you can't pick and choose when you meet people and you can't turn it off when it takes you by surprise. Love, I mean.
"You know she'll just be glad you're there," I said, a final shot at reassurance, knowing that there'd been nothing he could say to console me when I'd had to leave Fliss in that hospital and there was nothing I could say to him now.
Still he smiled, took a cigarette out and tucked it away behind his ear for later.
"What kinda nasty cunt goes round spikin drinks anyway,"
It wasn't a question, more just an insult, a show of hatred thrown out into the night so as he could get it off his chest but I understood. It had crossed my mind too.
"The worst kind," i said, trying not to let the nauseous feeling those kind of people brought up in me. "Fuckin wrongens mate,"
"Slimy cunts," he agreed and we settled into another quiet, wandering outside for a quick smoke before the long drive and a ferry back to England.
Bob and Blakes took the front with Bob at the wheel, yawning but awake, me and Bondy took the back. Larry said he'd stay with Jack and the producers, just to keep our seat warm whilst we were away. Said he had something he wanted to sort out with my guitar, but I had a feeling he cared more about smoothing our sudden departure over with our management rather than fiddling with pickups and strings.
Blakes head fell against the window 25 minutes into the drive but I couldn't sleep and neither could John. He kept tapping his fingers on his thigh, driving me mad.
Bob had Sams Town on and although Brandon Flowers voice was usually a little firestarter for my enthusiasm, tonight it left my chest tight. Reminded me of Fliss.
Selfish as it might have seemed my worries were for Fliss. It could have been her drink which was spiked and she'd have been higher than Saff. It could have been so much worse if it had happened to her. I knew it was pointless, knew it wasn't healthy to dwell on it or obsess over something which hadnt happened but i couldnt help it. I couldn't help but grind my teeth with the despair, knowing that they wouldn't learn from tonight and that the very same thing could happen to them again next weekend, or the weekend after that.
And what if we were in LA when it happened, what if we couldn't get to them in time.
On the boat over I chainsmoked beside John, at first he leant over the barriers watching the coastal paths dissapear but eventually, when the twinkling lights of the docks had been swallowed by the sea and the night he sunk down against the wall with me. No minding the rust on the metal wall or the oil he might get on his jeans. We were too tired to stand and too much in need of nicotine relief to join our mates inside.
We didn't really speak, we just shivered in the wind, paled by the evenings news, blinking back the little drops of sea spray blown at us by the breeze.
The air was salty and sweet and that was the scent which lingered on both of us as we walked through the doors to a hospital Costa Coffee, eyes searching different sides of the room for the girls.
They had been told that Saffy had to stay another night but that she was free to wander round as far as this. So thats where they had set up camp and thats where we found them. Fliss wide eyed and alert with Saff cuddled up in her arms like Fliss was the older sister, cradling a child close to her chest. Saffy was sleeping, the two of them cocooned in the same blanket. Kitty sat the other side of Fliss, her head resting on her shoulder, her eyes fluttered shut. She looked as though she'd only just managed to drift off.
Fliss looked like she desperately needed to sleep.
I sat down opposite her, feeling a little helpless, wanting to pull her into a hug but realising that someone else needed her more.
She offered me a little smile, too tired to grin or to say hello and in return I leant across the table, reached for her free hand, stroked her palm with my thumb and held it to my lips to place a kiss.
"Eyare love, I'll look after Kate," chuckled Blakes not waiting for the okay from Fliss, just picking her up, lifting her into his lap so that when she stirred and woke up she woke up to him and the smile that split her lips was pure.
"How long have yous been here love?" asked Bondy, not once taking his eyes off the girl asleep in my girlfriends arms.
"God i dont know anymore," she sighed, "i havent slept yet all the hours have sorts blurred," she said glancing around the room her eyes erratic and nervous. I wondered whether the jitters were the result of her sleepless night or a pill she'd popped that was wearing off. "Mattys here somewhere," she said then, "and George, cause they were out with us when it happened but I haven't seen them in awhile,"
"Where'd they go?" frowned Bob, "Do yous want a drink or anythin Fliss?" he nodded to the counter, eyeing up the lattes and she smiled.
"Espresso I guess," she forced a smile and my heart broke for the second time that evening.
"Ey we're here now darlin, yous can relax, have a nap..." I said hoping she'd change her mind, when she hesitated I gave her hand a little squeeze and she let out a sigh, defeated. What else was she meant to do, "hot chocolate then I guess," she almost laughed but it was as if she was even too tired for relief, her voice cracked and just like that I saw a little tear roll down her cheek.
She snatched her hand away to dab it dry before any of us could see but Id heard the shake in her voice and Johnny had seen the little droplet catch the light.
"Darlin ey, its alright yeah, let me have saff a little while," he said standing, offering her a tissue though she insisted she was fine.
She was smiling as she wiped at her tears, her hair falling in little whisps around her face as she pulled the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands.
I felt my stomach twist again, not quite angry but something similar, when I thought of Matty and George, wandering off and leaving her alone with all the responsibility on her shoulders.
I tugged on her arm, tugged her up gently into my arms and wrapped my arms around her, squeezed her close to me, her standing on my feet as I rocked her gently, placed a kiss in her hair.
"cmere babygirl," i hushed her, "youre alright now, we're here, the dream team, we'll sort everythin out now ey," i said softly smiling when I felt her smile into my neck, my hands in her hair stroking it down over her shoulders. "You wanna smoke?" I asked and she nodded into my jumper.
"Thanks," she mumbled pulling away, "for coming like," and then she looked at Bondy, her lips curving a smile, "you know you really saved her earlier on the phone, she kept askin for yous before she fell asleep," she said. I had to chew my cheek to hold in a chuckle when I saw the slight threat of a blush on his cheeks, he didn't know what to say.
"Well we weren't gonna leave yous on your own love," he managed though that wasn't really the part of her sentence which had mattered.
I wrapped my arm around her waist, let her lean on my as we made our way outside. Let her rest on me as we stood under a bus shelter, spotlit by a yellow orange streetlamp which was buzzing across the road.
When cars pulled up they cast a shadow. When buses pulled up I studied the passengers with their hunched shoulder sillhouettes and their headphones swaying in time with the stops and starts.
"What happened love?" i asked as I lit up her cigarette and admired her inhale.
It wasnt a question i really needed to ask, I'd heard the story once or twice now.
"We were out at some shit club with the boys," she said chewing her cheek instead of smoking her cigarette, "we were fuckin bored so we just decided to get high, which was fuckin stupid with hindsight," she said the last part softer than the first and her eyes welled up with that stupid self loathing you only get when you realise your mistakes.
"Babe its not your fault she got spiked,"
"No," she shook her head, "i know that but if she hadn't have been high it woulda been sound,"
"No," I shook my head, moved closer to her, thinking that if i held her close I could calm her thoughts, "You'd still have ended up here, she'd still have been sick, it could have been worse because if she hadnt taken anythin youd have just assumed she was drunk, you wouldn't have thought about the hospital at all," I was rambling but I was desperate to reason with her. Desperate to stop her from blaming herself.
"Yeah, i guess," she sniffled, "it was so scary," her voice shook when she spoke, her lips trembling, she couldn't smoke her cigarette. "I thought she was gonna die," she could hardly bring herself to say it and I couldn't blame her. Id thought about that, thought about how it would have felt.
"dont dwell on it babe," said softly, mumbling into her hair as I placed a kiss on her temple.
"I know but..."
"Fliss all that matters right now is that you're all gonna be alright, and we're here and you don't have to do any of this on your own..." I said holding her face in my hands as I looked her in the eyes and tried for a small smile.
"Thank you," she said, her lips moving, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Don't," i smiled placing a kiss on her forehead, "do anythin for you I would and you know it,"
"I love you," she bit her smiling lips, eyes glistening with tears and with warmth under the light of that yellow streetlamp.
I kissed her nose, stroked her cheek with the back of my index finger. Told her I loved her too and that, once again, I'd do anything for her if it meant she was happy.
But she already knew that.