Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Saffron

After Isle of White there was Sound City, after Sound City there were three little festivals dotted around up north and with every one we played we seemed to feel better.

On the journey down south for Community Fliss decided we would stop off at as many open mic nights we could do, just for a laugh, just to see if anyone in the little worn out pubs would recognise us.

We filmed a video in Liverpool, stopped off in Llandudno for a night round the McCans, and though Bob and Benji weren't around Larry, Van and Bondy were still crashing in spare bedrooms and hovering round the kitchen in the morning waiting for a brew.

"So after today its cute little pubs and then community," grinned Fliss as she helped Van's mam with the dinner she was cooking us all.

"Yous lot are so lucky you know..." yawned Van, "I'd fuckin..."

"Van!" Gasped Mary whipping him round the head with her tea towel.

"Kill to be able to play them little shows again,"

"Oooo," sang Alice, "poor little Van, too big and famous to play open mic nights,"

"Its such a hard life isnt it honey pie," winked fliss poking him in the ribs, giggling when he jumped out of his skin.

I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket, I knew who was calling and though the thought of picking up sent a shiver down my spine, I knew I had to.

"Hi," I forced a smile into the receiver as I disappeared out the back door. 

"Saffy thank god you.answered, I thought you'd never speak to me again..." I could hear the relief in his voice, the smile with which he spoke.

"Rhys, don't," I said quickly, my heart racing, I could feel it in my throat. "I don't want to talk to you..."

"But you picked up," suddenly he was subdued, subdued and confused and let down like a broken arrow.

"To tell you to stop calling... you hurt me Rhys, you always fucking do and I'm tired now,"

"You know thats a lie I never mean it! I always say sorry, you know I never mean it!"

"Do you?" I asked a little dead behind the eyes as I heard his tears and my tears and the tension rise.

"I never mean to hurt you Saff, everything I do is because I love you!"

"And yet you lie to me, and you blame your mistakes on me, you hurt me and you break into my house, you scare my friends and you trash their things..."

"I scare your friends... do I scare you?" He asked carefully, like the world was falling down around him. It wasn't yet but it would be soon.

I couldn't speak.

"Saff, do I?" I bit my lip trying my best to steady my breathing. "Saffy? Do I scare you?"

"Rhys I want you to leave me alone..." I said quietly, perhaps if I'd sounded stronger he would haven

"I can't Saffron, I can't and you know that!"

"Its not up to you Rhys," I closed my eyes, sinking down against the wall, shivering despite the rare summer heat on my skin.

"I won't do that Saff, you're the girl I love, I won't just stop loving you... I can't..."

"But," I bit my lip. The back door opened quietly beside me, a pair of black converse shuffling down the step as Bondy emerged and offered a sympathetic smile, catching me by surprise.

"But?" Rhys was clinging to my every word, I'd never known him sound like this before. So desperate, so petrified.

I closed my eyes, felt a tear tickle my cheek, another caught in my lashes.

"I've stopped loving you," I said softly, my voice didn't shake, it just barely cut through the breeze. I felt Bondy's hand on my shoulder.

"What?" He asked. His voice was shaking. I could picture him, clinging to the phone, clutching it, ragged breaths, jittering, gritted teeth. The anger was rising through him. I could sense that, I wasn't stupid.

"I just, I'm sorry Rhys I just have..." I could feel my brave face faltering, I could feel Bondy slip down the wall beside me, head on my shoulder in a strange attempt to give me strength. "Please, just... Rhys just..."

"Fucking hell Saffron, what the fuck?! How can you say that?! How the fuck can you say that?!" He snapped, I could picture the red rising in his cheeks, I could picture him quivering, all rattled and riled. I swallowed hard not wanting to cry, not wanting to show my fear in front of one of the lads. "Jesus Saff I can't believe you!" Fucking hell, you absolute, jesus, you cunt... you complete and utter cunt, don't you care about me at all?! I gave everything up for you! I gave literally everything up for you!"

"You know thats not true,"

I felt Bondys hand slip into mine, he could hear everything I was sure, everything that Rhys was saying, all the words which were leaving his mouth before he'd even had a chance to think things through.

"So now I'm a liar too?! I lost my place in the band for you! I gave up everything for you what the fuck... I gave all of this up for you and now you're saying all this shit, what the fucks gotten into you?!"

"Get to fuck Rhys, you know thats not true," I sighed, exhausted, unable to say anything else, unable to do anything else.

"I can't believe you Saff, I can't fucking believe you!"

"Rhys just don't, don't call me again..." I said quietly, too tired as I leant my head against Bondy, feeling a reassuring squeeze of my hand. He offered me a small smile, taking my phone from my hand, switching off the screen and slipping it back into the pocket of my pinafore.

"You want a smoke love?" He asked arm round my shoulder, "you know all of that that he just said to you..."

"I know Im not a cunt Bondy," I bit back a smile, shaking a little with a half hearted breathy laugh.

"You're not," he shrugged laughing a little himself, "and next time he calls, you shouldn't pick up... you've said your peace," he said gently, "let him get angry on his own, you don't need to worry about him anymore..."

"I guess," I sighed, "its just difficult isn't it, "I loved him for years,"

He let out a sigh of his own and nodded, brushing the back of my palm with his thumb.

"Trust me lass, the only thing you'll ever find in this world worth loving is Mary Mccans Sunday Roasts... come on inside, Wales dunner really do Summer," he flashed me a warm smile, helping me to my feet as we wandered back inside to find Van and Larry arguing about who sat where and what we were gonna watch.

They made it easy to forget that there was anything wrong at all, and I knew I'd miss their company when we were back on the road again.