They say fear is for the brave, for cowards never stare it in the eye. So am I fearless to be fearful? Does it take courage to learn how to cry?
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~ A H M A D ~
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I sensed how she had suddenely stiffened. No ruffling sound was coming from her clothing nor even the slightest movements of her hands or feet for what I guess must be two minutes.
"Farida?" I tried to break the silence, turning my ear towards her. "You even there?"
"Yeah" I heard her answer almost breathlessly. "I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to say."
"Why? About what?"
"About this." She stopped and must've gestured to the box I hope was still in her hand before she remembered that I don't get gestures or body language in general anymore. "I mean this ring, I don't know if I can accept it, it's just that I-"
"You what? You're going to say you can't, right? But well I can't either, I can't accept it back. I'm a guy and plus I'm blind now so I have no idea what to do with it if you don't accept it." After two months, I was finally able to mention my situation with humour.
It was this new ability to pick up even the slightest of sounds that allowed me to hear her sigh softly, and she must've lowered her head to her knees cause she suddenly sounded louder.
"Thank you Ahmad. But..." she didn't complete that before I felt the box on my lap. "...here."
The creak from her chair and the light footsteps that followed that got quiter weren't the only things that alerted me that she had left. The empty space of air surrounding me as well as the blank space I felt in my heart did too.
I got to my feet and followed in her steps, but I was too late to realise where she was going since the sound of her steps had faded. I stood alone in the hallway, contemplating whether to call for her or just wait it out till she was back. I sighed and decided on the latter and sauntered back to my room.
I opened up my MacBook and plugged in my earphones. After almost two hours of pointless practicing with my new accessibility software and a failed attempt to navigate my own way into iTunes, I shut down the laptop and decided I had given Farida enough time.
I felt for my phone that I was sure was kept near the computer and when I found it, ordered the app to "Call Bae."
It started dialing but she didn't pick up so I called a second time and just as I was about to lose hope, she picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hello Far, please don't tell me you left?"
"No I'm still here actually, just downstairs with your mom. You need anything?" Farida answered wearily and I could only imagine her discomfort as mama stared at her with that optimistic look that told her she was the only hope to save her suicidal son.
Yes my mom was as melodramatic as a mother can get after her twenty five year old son tried to kill himself only a month after the tragic accident that made him blind. And that hysteria made her conclude that fixing things with Farida was the only way to stop me from repeating that "mistake" or something like that.
By the ring she had bought and asked me to give to Farida, I had figured that mama wasn't only expecting a reconciliation between me and Farida. She was expecting wedding bells to ring and babies to cry exactly nine months later and hopefully, that'd be enough to bring salvation to my poor soul.
"Yeah. I think I do." but I don't know how exactly to put it across.
Is saying 'I kinda believe and have hope in my mom's theory so please marry me Farida so I can live a life that will be tolerable enough for me not to be tempted every few minutes to end it.' too direct and pathetic? Yeah? Well okay, pour me a cold bucket of water and just wake me up from this nightmare now.
"Okay, is it something from the kitchen or...? What is it?" she answers, and mama's eyes must've twinkled as she checked off one more of Farida's qualities on the perfect wife check list.
"You." I take the risk.
There followed a moment of silence which you should totally stand up to your feet and give me since my embarassing slopiness has turned me to a corpse.
It feels like ages but it was probably just ten seconds before she answered. "Excuse me?"
"I mean, yeah I need you to come up, I'm on the laptop and I forgot a function on the accessibility software." I did it, I chickened out. Kill me already.
"Oh okay. I'll just come right up." Though I know she must've not even understood what I meant, Farida sounded glad to have an excuse to part with my mom even if it meant coming to me.
I wasn't used to this, wanting a girl to like me enough to actually marry me more than I was used to this sentence of eternal darkness. The fact that I really wanted this to happen felt weird, the type of weird that I can't even explain. This just proves that cliche saying of desperate times calling for desperate measures I guess.
Even though I never did have an understanding of women, I always had them falling for me without the tiniest bit of effort and Farida had been no different. Well at least she had been before the accident. I'm not so sure about now since I've barely remembered that I had a girlfriend ever since it happened. For two months now, I have never even thought of Farida, I was too busy wallowing in despair and cursing my fate to think of my four years running girlfriend and testing if my charms still work right with her.
That is, of course until two weeks ago when I got back from the hospital after my failed suicide attempt since I had overdosed on Vitamin Cs instead of opioid painkillers. Mama had declared she couldn't watch me destroy my life anymore and the best way to stop that is if I have someone I would feel responsible for and suddenly, Farida re-entred the picture.
I admit I have been the bad guy. Well I have always been the bad guy but in this case, it was totally unintentional. I just needed time and space to process as well as accept the fact that I would never see again and Farida had given me neither. Ever since it happened, she grew even closer, wanting to know everything and feeling it as her duty to stick to me tighter than glue.
It had been so unbearably annoying that I blocked her number and asked that she not be allowed in to the house if she did come which since she must've figured I blocked her, she never did. She finally backed off and stopped contacting me exactly like I'd wanted her to but now, since I had fairly convinced myself to accept this situation and live with it, the story has changed or more correctly, could continue. I was ready to have her back in my life again.
Indeed life has given me an impossibly tart lemon to deal with and with her by my side, I might be willing to learn how to make lemonade. After a few calls and hundreds of apologies which was granted mostly because of the the privillages of the blind card I now get to play, she finally gave in and accepted this invite to our house.
So these few past days had proven to me that blind or not, I'm still a topper and get an A on that charming test though the situation a few moments ago was threatening to change that to an F. But no, it wasn't, it simply couldn't be. I know Farida and I know it would be her dream come true to have me finally propose to marry her. She might not have jumped at the offer earlier but that was only cause she was trying to act hard to get, I hope, and right now, she was surely on her way up the stairs and into this room to say yes to me.
The door was on the same wall and only a few steps away from where my table was and immediately I heard a knock on it, I produced the box that contained what mama told me was a two carat diamond ring out of my pocket and held it it in my hands.
"Farida babe?" I ask craning my ear towards the direction of the door.
"Yeah, it's me." she answered, probably walking towards me.
Her perfume grew stronger and I felt a warmth over me, she must've leaned on the chair and lowered her head facing the presumably bright laptop.
"So tell me again what functiony thingy do you need help with?"
I laugh nervously and clutch the box tighter. "Actually Far, let's just use this time to talk?"
She moved a fairly good distance away from me before answering. "I know I owe you at least that, that's why I didn't leave... yet. Believe me Ahmad, to me, you're exactly the same person that you were two months ago, this accident doesn't make a difference to me and-"
"I know Farida," I cut in, I just couldn't help being impatient. I got up to my feet, manaeouvering my way towards her voice. "I know you'll always love me for who I am and that's why I never want to lose you. I made that mistake once and I never want to do it again." I figure now, I was mere inches away from where she stood so as cautiously as I could, I got down on one knee.
So it has really come to this, Ahmad Sambo, kneeling on one knee, as blind and vulnerable as can be as he pleads for his life to make sense again and for once since it happened, I was thankful that I was blind. At least I couldn't see myself in this pathetic condition.
"Farida Muhammad Taha will you do me the honor of being my wife?"
My outstretched hand held the opened up box in the direction I hope and pray Farida is standing. She won't be to blame if she says no purely because I was proposing to my wardrobe or to the curtains and not to her.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I'm relieved, it was indeed the right direction now all I have to do is wait for the right answer.
"Ahmad, I want you to know that I'll never see you any different, you're no less than the Ahmad I have known for four years but..."
But. But? But isn't the right answer but of course the inevitable but.
"I've been seeing someone else lately."
I freeze and have to swallow hard, my outstretched hand suddenly felt tired and defeated and had to fall limply by my side.
"I swear it isn't because of the accident or anything I just can't... anymore." by the tone of Farida voice, she must be wearing a guilty expression as she said that.
"Listen Ahmad, you are an amazing person and you're incredible for going through what you had to go through and even surviving it at all and I know that whoever gets you, will be the luckiest girl in the world."
I chuckle at her attempt to cushion my fall when I had already hit rock bottom. I rise up to my feet and didn't bother about the now useless box slipping from my grasp and falling to the ground.
"You sure? Isn't it 'cause of the obvious?" I say as coolly as I can manage.
"What obvious?"
"Maybe the obvious that I'm fucking blind? Just say it Far, I know you. You can't hide it anymore."
"You know what?" her tone is fierce and it grows louder as she steps closer to me. "You're right. I can't do this anymore because you're blind and all you do now is sit around all day feeling sorry for yourself. You don't see the fact that I have been hurting that whole time too or that just cause I wasn't victim to some sad accident that left me blind doesn't mean that I can't feel pain too. Being blind doesn't justify the fact that you're now nothing but an insufferable selfish jerk Ahmad, and since it's now proven that with time, you're not going to get used to it, you're always going to feel sorry for yourself and feel like its your birthright to treat people like shit, I can't do this anymore. Whatever it is. It's over."
She had full on gone into hysterical screaming mode by the time she was done and I wouldn't be surprised if the whole house had heard the whole conversation. By the whole house of course I meant the only person in the house that wasn't one of the helps - Mama.
I search my whole existence for words to reply her. Maybe I was so speechless because she was right, everything she had said was indeed the truth. She had been so adamant to stick with me so that we'd go it together and she had been so persistent in her efforts to keep me close, to not let this relationship wither and die but I had thrown all that in her face and snubbed her efforts till she had finally given up.
Was it too late? Hell no. I run a hand over my head and let it rest on my neck. I had messed up big time but no way was I accepting the thought that it was too late, that I had killed this relationship.
"Listen Far, please forgive me. I'm ready to fix this, fix myself and do whatever you want. Just don't tell me that it's over."
She must've hurriedly turned away from me because I felt a swift whiplash of wind. So apology not accepted? But I was relentless.
"I promise you, I'll never hurt you again. By Allah I'll never ever do anything that'll make you sad or disappoint you, Far. Just give me this one last chance, please."
"Hey," I stood in front of her again. "Babe, talk to me please." I say bringing her head closer to me and trying to make her hug me.
"I'm sorry Ahmad, I just can't and I deserve for you to hate me for this." her voice cracked and I figured Farida must be crying. "I'm sorry, but whatever this is, it's over." she pulls away and without a word more, I hear feet storming off.
So this really happened. Me and Farida really just broke up or more correctly, Farida really just dumped me because she can't stay with me anymore since I'm blind. Or so I think. So much for mama's genius plan. I'm sure she would be even more heart broken than I am for it turning into the total flop it was.
I kind of sensed this coming but I was none the less shocked. Probably more shocked than I have ever been in my life. Perhaps being blind intensified each emotion tenfold since you couldn't get to dilute the intangible feelings with palpable visuals.
My heart felt heavy, reality was setting in; the fact that I now had to live the rest of my life in permenant darkness and probably rejection too dawned on me. It was fixed and settled that I was going to die alone but if I can help it, that won't be long from now. I'm sure by now, I've grasped the difference between opioids and Vitamin Cs.
Four years. A relationship of four years was now scattered on the floor in pieces and why? Because of my wretched luck. Because in my haste to complete my flight hours and finally bag my pilot license, I took the fucking Cessna 172 and it crashed with me. What a cursed fate I have that after the two hundred and fifty flight hours I did, it was during the last ten hours worth of night flight hours I had left to complete that this happened to me.
I was lucky I survived they said. Lucky that the engine had failed when I was at only two thousand feet above the ground and six nautical miles away from the field so the crash wasn't as fatal. But oh well, lucky my foot. I'd rather die a hundred times over than live like this. I thought after my failed attempt to end it two weeks ago, I couldn't feel any more worthless - since I wasn't even able distinguish between the opioids that would have spared me from living this nightmare and those stupid Vitamins C pills - but I was wrong, Farida rejecting me felt worst.
Now, my dream of making a kind of peace with this condition had just been thrown out the window just like my dream of being the next Lola Odujirin - the first African to fly solo around the world - had the moment I had woken up covered in bandages at the hospital. At first, I thought my eyes were covered up too and it took my finger poking the bare whites of my eyes several times to make me believe that my eyes were indeed wide open and what I have been told was true. The concussion I had suffered had disconnected my optical nerves from my brain and though my eyes were in perfect shape, they were now basically useless and I have less than a five percent chance of surviving the brain surgery if we were even contemplating of having the nerves reconnected. Which I was but mama called me crazy for it, she said there was no way she was risking losing me and so my plans of having the surgery anyways went out the window as well.
Why didn't I hit a part of my brain that would have made me paraplegic? Or deaf? Or mute? At least then I would still be able to do what I love most in the world but this blindness not only took away my sight but also my passion. Never again would I be in the control of a plane taking off, or look down from tens of thousands of feet above and see how I was completely disconnected from the world down below and was safe in my own bubble of freedom.
Maybe it was the thoughts reeling in my mind or the feelings weighing my heart that made me even more blind than I was and on trying to walk to the door, I stumbled over something I realized too late was the glass centre table. I had already lost all control and couldn't stop my whole body from falling over it and shattering into the glass.
I groaned as I pushed myself up with bloodied palms and when I tried to stand up, I felt I couldn't move my left leg without feeling a bolt of pain strike through it threaten to crack my knee open.
It hurt like hell but I pulled myself to my feet anyways and at this point, I had done fairly well in getting this far without releasing a devil spawning screech and whether it was out of the irrational anger or pain, I don't know but I finally exploded. I wailed out just as I heard the door open and with the sounds of exclamations and footsteps hurrying to me, I figured it was my mom and like the idiot mama's boy two months of blindness has turned me into, I start rushing towards where I heard her, dragging my left leg behind me until bam!
Another crash with what I realise must be my bench but luckily this time I was left standing and the only victim was something that made a heavy thud and breaking sound when it crashed to the floor. Well, there goes my Macbook Air but for now, it could go to hell for all I care and I'd gladly follow it there.
A/N
That rhyme at the last sentence was totally unintended but I'm glad it came out like that (r/unexpecteddoctorseuss) 😂 and so... Chapter one's down, thoughts critiques?
Lyrics from the very first paragraph up above are from Passenger's "Home".