Seth
Leaving Hope had been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. She was one of the best things that happened in my life and I went and ruined it for both of us. She was the one thing that kept me sane, gave me a purpose.
When I called Hope for an interview, I never thought she would mean this much to me. That that girl would be the love of my life. When I saw her for the first time outside my office, I thought that was a little girl coming to find her mommy who she lost.
Talking to her, I saw that she was different, that she was special and even so, I never knew she was incredible. When Mr. James said he is going to hire Hope, I don't think anyone has been that happy over that. I asked Mr. James to give Hope for me to train. I asked him to put her under my area, to put her into the cashier so she could work with Jacob and I could see her whenever I want.
We normally take the newbies out after like a week of them working but I just couldn't wait that long to get to know Hope outside of work, so I made everyone go on that first day.
I was really heart broken and embarrassed when Hope pulled away from kissing me. I mean, I forced everyone to come that night on such short notice. Some even had to cancel plans. So when that happened, I know what everyone else might have thought of me.
But I know now that Hope had a very good reason to do so.
I could really kill that bastard Veron. He broke Hope. Well... I hate myself too considering I broke her heart.
I know she got hurt so many times. Her childhood had been really sad. Hearing how much she had gone through, I swore to her that I would never hurt her, that I would never let anyone hurt her as well. Heck, I was mad at her father even cause I was scared he would disappoint her and hurt her again. I never thought I would be the one to break her. I never thought I would have to see Hope leave my life.
When she was leaving, I wanted to tell her I love her too. But I'm leaving soon. How can I say "I love her, no matter what" when I'm going to leave her. I do love her but I don't think saying that would make me look any better.
I couldn't bear looking at Binnie anymore without thinking of Hope. At first, I thought I would leave her with Drew. But then, I wanted Hope to have her. It was the least I could do. Hope really loved Binnie since the first time they met, even Bin loved her. I guess Binnie would be with Hope even if I can't. Oh! How much I want to be that dog right now. Lucky dog.
When I got the acceptance letter, I couldn't believe it. I was excited about it that I called my sister immediately. I thought of Hope and I was actually reluctant to accept it cause of her. My sister may have senses my hesitation that she asked me what's wrong with curiosity. When I told her about Hope and how I can't leave her, my sister screamed at me like I just said I would kill her.
"What!!??" She screams and go on. "Are you telling me that you're thinking of rejecting this amazing opportunity because of a girl? Are you kidding me? What about your dream? What about all the things I've done to get you this position here? I had to pull so many strings to get this for you! Do not quit on this, young man! or I will come down there and give this girl a speech!"
I chuckled despite everything and that just angered her more.
"I'm being serious!" She screams even more loudly.
I stopped laughing an got all serious again. "I love her, Jane. I can't leave her." I said it matter-of-factly to which she scoffed, sarcastically.
"Yea, so? You loved Aria and look what happened then." Of course Jane had to mention Aria.
"I was young at that time and Aria had been my first girlfriend." I know it's not a good argument point but it's kinda all I have. "Of course anyone would wanna be with her if they were me. I thought I was in love with her. But it was more like I was in love with the idea of being with someone."
"What makes you think that this time it couldn't be the same as well? Maybe this girl would be like Aria as well. You were young then but if you do the same thing again this time as well, you are just plain stupid."
I sighed. "Hope isn't like Aria. They aren't similar in any way. I don't think Hope is that kind of a girl."
"Oh yea? Then you stay there and be with her. But if one day, she go away with another guy and cheat on you, a more successful yet a really ugly guy, don't come crying to me cause I will only say "I told you so". Okay?" She says that so quickly. If she is talking fast, that means she is so mad.
I don't say anything to that. I know Hope isn't like that but I don't know. What if she changes with time? What if one day, she does leave me to be with someone else?
"Seth" Jane says, calmly now. "I don't want you to regret not coming here. You have always wanted to come here. If things don't work out with her, I don't want you to be stuck in the same place as you are now."
"I know." I whisper. I know what Jane is telling is true.
"Seth, I'm sorry for forcing you to do this. But I will make ticket arrangements for you to come, whether you like it or not."
We ended the call and I was staring at the letter, when Hope came and knocked on my door that day after going to her dad's house.
After that night, I grew more intimate feelings towards Hope. I have never felt this deeply about someone and with each day it just became harder and harder to wrap my head around the fact that I will have to leave her. I didn't want her to know anything cause I wanted to enjoy the last days with her, without thinking like this is the last time.
Honestly though, if I had known the last time we held each other was the last time we ever did that, or the last time we made love was the last time ever, the last time we kiss was the last time, I would never have left her. I would hold on to her and cherish those little things, all those things.
I know I'm going to New York to become better but I'm not sure if it's worth my happiness.
I never wanted her to find out about this, that way. I was thinking of a better way to tell her but I just couldn't. I mean, How can you tell the love of your life, that you are leaving to go thousands of miles away from her for who knows how long?
Drew pushed me every time we met, to tell Hope about it before it was too late. But I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want all of it to be true and official. I didn't want to lose her. But I was going to lose her anyways.
I know I called her after she left. I wasn t even sure what I was going to tell her. I listened to it ring, getting really nervous with each seconds. When the answering machine got it I was actually a little relieved. I just have to leave a message. I would never be able to control myself if I heard her voice. I would have broken down completely.
I miss her so much!
When I went to give Binnie to her, I wasn't sure whether I was going to see her. I knew she was home, it was still Friday, the same day she ran out of my place. But I wasn't ready to see her. I knew this time if I saw her I would never be able to control myself. I won't be able to say good bye again. So instead, I gave Binnie to this lady next door and left.
I miss her a lot.
~~*~~
They called to board my flight and I take my luggage and head towards them. I'm leaving Seattle. I'm leaving hope.
Arriving at the airport in New York, I find my sister outside. She hugs me tightly when I reach her. I feel really beaten up, emotionally.
I know I shouldn't compare Hope's hugs to my sister's, but damn! I miss Hope's hugs. They were more unique and special to me. I wish I could just hug her once.
I miss Hope. I really miss her.
"Hey buddy." Adam give me a little sideways hug patting my back. Adam and Jane got married like an year ago so they still don't have kids. They are the kinda couple that wants to do everything they can before bringing someone into their family. "Here. Let me get those." He takes my bags from me and we start to walk towards the parking lot.
Jane and Adam hold hands as we walk and that just breaks my heart a little. I want to hold Hope's hand as well.
"So" Adam starts. "How was the flight?" He asks.
"Crappy." I answer with the first word that cames to my mind.
Adan chuckles and I can see Jane smiling a little as well.
While Adam loads my stuff in to the trunk of the car, Jane comes towards me.
"I'm glad you came here, Seth." she squeezes my arm.
I smile back but don't say anything.
I'm not so glad to be here.
~~*~~
I went to work In Big C Supermarket. It is similar to Green Globe, so I don't have much of a problem fitting in. But people here aren't as much friendly as they are in Green Globe but that might be because I knew them well. I have yet to get to know these people that I work with now.
My first week of working goes without much thoughts about Hope, mostly cause I was trying to get a better hang of my job. But as more time passed, I couldn't get her out of my head. I think about what she might be doing now. I took my phone a couple of times to call her but thought against it cause I didn't want to complicate anything. I can't interfere with her life if she is trying to move on from me. I don't want her to be sad. I want her to move on. Calling her will not help that.
I missed hope so much. I thought I would be able to endure it as time goes but it just keep on getting worse, day by day.
I started seeing Hope around every corner. Every girls around the same age as her started to look like her to me. It's driving me crazy.
Sometimes when I'm working, I feel like I just heard her voice and look around frantically to find her. I couldn't even look at an ice cream place without having our memories haunt me.
I started to have dreams about us having Ice creams in The Cool Bar while laughing and smiling. Sometimes even kissing and stuff. But all of those would end with seeing Hope's face torn apart with sadness and I would wake up crying and asking her to not leave me. Without even realizing it, I started having nightmares about Hope.
The nightmares weren't like this all the time. I mean, some days it's just me and Hope laughing and being happy. But I would still wake up the morning with tears strained on my cheek.
I never thought that those happy memories would haunt my dreams one day.
Days go slowly. Every waking moment, I think about Hope. I can't get my mind out of her.
Today, as I walk down the street to work, I notice a girl, blond hair, wearing a red blouse and jeans. She is going in the same way as me so I can't see her face. She looks the same as Hope on the day she went to meet her dad.
A flicker of hope runs through me and I run through the crowd to get to her. I don't touch her or anything but just stand in front of her stopping her mid tracks.
"Hope?"
She looks at me like I'm crazy. She isn't Hope. She looks nothing like Hope. Hope is more beautiful and prettier. Hope isn't like this.
I move out of her way muttering "I'm sorry."
She shakes her head and start to walk but then stops and looks back at me.
"Sometimes, hope is just a delusion." She shrugs and walk away.
Oh, she has no idea how accurate that it.
I was all over the place that day. I could hardly concentrate on work. I filled the charts all wrong. I signed in places I was not suppose to sign on. I messed up a lot of things today. Memories cloud my mind completely and I was more like a walking zombie. I had no meaning to any of this.
I wanna go home. Home to Hope. I wanna go to Hope cause she is my home.
"Seth" I look at our manager as he stands in front of me. I didn't even know he came here. "You have made a lot of mistakes today."
I automatically says. "I'm sorry."
"You need to pull yourself together man. Otherwise you can't work."
Since I couldn't even listen to him properly, he gave me the rest of the day free, an early leave, giving me a warning that this can't happen tomorrow,
I was walking back home in the afternoon, when I came across an all day bar. Without thinking twice, I walked in.
I drink as many drinks as I possibly can. With each drink the thoughts of Hope goes further and further away. I keep on drinking until I managed to forget about Hope and just think about something else. Damn! I've got a killer headache.
I rest my head on the counter and just stay there with my eyes closed.
Someone pats me on my back and I lift my head up to look at him.
"Well, hello there, pretty man." It's actually a her. She is wearing a red dress that is opened in the front until her waist. Her breasts are nearly out but I just look away from her.
She holds me from both of my cheeks and turn me towards her. She leans in closer but I can barely keep my eyes open.
"You are so drunk." She says that in a seductive voice.
I can feel her coming closer to me. I open my eyes to see her tilting her head coming in for a kiss.
Right before our lips met, I push away from her with all of my strength. I lose balance on the stool and fall down to the ground, hard.
Someone shouts "Dick." and people around me laughs. I stumble up to stand but I can barely manage that so I lean heavily on the counter. That lady doesn't move a limb to help me but just watch me struggle.
"All you need is some hot sex and you will be just fine." She comes closer and keeps her hand on my chest just lightly touching it. She doesn't attempt to kiss me again but tries to make me touch her breast by taking my hands but I make a fist from them.
I say the only thing that's in my head right now before she does something to make me angry and hit her.
"Hope."
She looks at me confused but shakes her head smiling after awhile.
"Let's forget about Hope and just enjoy."
I push her a little roughly and say again. "I Need HOPE!" I scream.
She looks at me with hate and slap me. I don't know if she really slapped me or not cause I didn't feel anything. But I saw her hand coming towards my face. That's weird though, I am suppose to feel something. Maybe I'm just so drunk that-
I can feel my stomach rumbling and I ran outside. I barely make it to the bins before begin to throw up everything. I stay there, sitting on the payment for awhile to get some strength and then stumble to my sister's place.
I don't remember how I got here exactly but as soon as I enter, I fall down on the couch and instantly fall asleep.
The next morning, I wake up to a really bad hangover. My shoes are removed and are neatly kept in the corner and I have a blanket on me. I'm still wearing my work clothes and I reek of alcohol.
Pushing the sleep away from my eyes, I walk towards the kitchen.
Jane's standing near the stove making breakfast. She notice me coming in.
"Morning sunshine." She mocks
I groan as I sit down in the table. "What's the time?"
"Past 11."
Shit. I have to get to work. I start to get up when she says. "Relax." I look at me sister. "I already called in sick for you."
"Oh" I sit back down. I pour myself a glass of water. "Aren't you suppose to be at work now?" I ask. She always leave as the same as me. She is an elementary school teacher.
"I called in sick as well?" she answers.
I raise an eyebrow. "Are you sick?" I ask.
"No. I just want to talk with you." She switches of the stove and come over to me.
"What happened yesterday?" She asks me.
I turn the glass in circles without answering.
"Seth?" She grabs the glass from my hand and keep it away from me. "You were sprawled on the couch when I got back from work at 2 p.m. I called your manager and he said he gave you an early leave because you were really off yesterday. You slept for more than 12 hours! Now tell me what is wrong!" She screams.
I look at her, my hands shaking with anger. "Everything's wrong! I don't want to be here. I wanna go home. I wanna go to her. I want her! I miss her! I miss her so much." Tears come to my eyes but I blink rapidly to get them away. "If you didn't force me to come, I would be with Hope, right now. I would have been happy."
"But will you be happy forever?" She asks, calmly.
"I don't know! I don't care! I want to go back!" I scream.
"No. No! You aren't going anywhere! I don't care about Hope anymore than I cared about Aria but I care about you. So, you are NOT going back!" She screams, angrily.
I sigh in pain. Emotional or physical, I have no idea.
I cover my eyes with my hands.
"Seth?" She asks me with concern.
"Headache." I whisper.
She sighs. "Why did you get drunk Seth?" She asks me more calmly this time.
"I miss her." I whisper to my hands.
I look up at her with tears blurring my vision.
"I miss Hope so much. It hurts a lot. A lot more than anything else." I sob and Jane pulls me towards her hugging my head against her stomach. "I love her Jane. I can't stay without seeing her. It's driving me crazy. I want to see her. I want to be with her."
She strokes my head as I cry. We stay that way for so long with none of us saying anything that eventually, I stop crying. My head aches more now with all the pressure from the crying.
"Seth?" She moves my head up to look at her and she lean a little closer. "You can go back to her. But not the way you were before. But more successful. More collected."
I close my eyes as tears spring back again.
"Hey! You guys have time. You both are young. When you are stable, you can do everything you want to do without having a problem. You can get back together with Hope. Go back to Seattle and start a life there with her, together. But staying in Seattle, in the same job you have been doing for the last 3 years, not knowing where it's going isn't a really good plan. You've always wanted this, Seth. This was a dream of yours."
She sits down next to me and make me look at her.
"Being in Seattle, kicking your dream away for her will only make you hate her one day, cause she made you lose an opportunity."
She squeeze my hands to get my attention. "You know what I'm trying to say, right? You know how crappy I am at explaining." She says, smiling.
I smile a little as well. "I feel bad for your students."
She hits my shoulder playfully but says, "Honestly, me too."
We stay that way for a while.
"But what if-" I swallow the lump forming in my throat. "What if Hope has moved on by then? What if she has another person?" A tear escapes my eye.
She sighs and hold my hand, tighter. "Then maybe she doesn't deserve you. Maybe it's time for you to move on from her as well."