Kanza Hadad
Stepping into my new apartment room, I muttered a 'Bismillah' (in the name of God) as I walked in.
Cardboard boxes lined against the wall, idle and as lifeless as the rest of the cold, foreboding new place. A small couch was at the corner, an abandoned table on the opposite side, and then a narrow hallway that led into the bathroom and the small gaming room I set up. My bedroom was adjacent to them.
Sighing, I slipped off my shoes, flicking a switch on to illuminate the taunting darkness.
Here I was, a couple states away from home. My parents were skeptical at first, but in America, their words fell to deaf ears. In a Muslim household, it didn't matter how old the child was, the parents' words were absolute. There was no loophole, no trick, no scheme around.
Moving out took a lot of fighting, diagrams, logistics, and prayers before I even started packing my luggage, let alone moving out on my own.
I knew my parents' friends would gossip about my departure. I knew they would spread vicious rumors, yet they didn't know me. They didn't understand the lingering pain that town left me, the suffocating hold the past held on my life. It took me five years to realize that I needed an escape.
My parents understood, and they believed in me after a long while. No parent wanted to see their child live in misery from tormented memories. No matter how much they loved their child and wanted to protect them from harm, the pain of watching that same child suffer would be too much to bear.
I looked around the seemingly empty room. Although it looked cheap and worn down, a couple of stitches and care would turn the room into something straight out of a magazine.
Except that's tomorrow's problem, I thought. Right now, I got a video to film.
* * * *
"Assalamualaikum to my Muslim fans, and a cheerful hello to my non-Muslim followers," I smiled into the camera, mic in front of my computer screen and the flickering screen of the loading page for the new game I was reviewing.
A cartoon-like, orange cat scowled from my screen, a band of similar fellows right behind him. All were dressed like characters from the middle ages, armor and weaponry a glistening silver among the hues of vibrant green, three-dimensional landscapes awakening above the map.
The game was childish and sophomoric in appearance, but the concept behind it and the graphics were a lot more advanced than people gave it credit for.
I was a bit biased though.
My eyes flickered to the camera again, a pearly smile masked across my lips, hiding the worries and stress of my regular life as I portrayed the easy-going persona I was known for having. My followers didn't know me personally. They didn't know my life nor did they know my past and inhibitions.
Although some spent hours watching my videos that ranged from amateur self-care tips to vlogs to rants to gaming, they only saw the parts of me that I wished for them. They only saw the painted features of a mask, the decorations of perfection, and the illusion of being whisked into a life that seemed too perfect to be real.
There were no shadows, no shards. There were only smiles and laughter. There was only joy, not a single hint of sadness lacing any of my words. I was successful Alhamdulillah (thanks to God), yet there was still a dark voice whispering all the mistakes, all the short-comings I had.
Focus, I told myself. You have fans. You need to focus.
"I know I've been kind of missing in action this week, but like I swear my reason is justified so put the pitchforks away and tone down the whining," I lightly chuckled. "I just moved into my new apartment. Maybe I'll do a tour of it when it's actually presentable. If I showed you my new place as it is now, my mom would probably whip me if she saw."
The small video box was at the corner of the screen, a common design for YouTubers that gamed. My brothers were the one who taught me a bit about editing and programming, but I was still a novice at it. Since I was on my own now, I resorted to basic, simple methods of editing.
"Anyway," I smiled. "Let's get into Cat Quest. You guys don't understand how much I squealed when I saw how cute the animations were for this. Literally as I was downloading the game, I stared at the little orange cat the whole damn time. I mean, look at him! He has a freaking hat!"
The 'new game' button flashed across the screen, white letter flickering as I moved my mouse to hover over it. Clicking it, storybook letters usurped the screen of black as if I was reading a fairy tale.
Except this game wasn't about princesses or crazy step-mothers.
Dark, intimidating music played in the background as a creepy, faceless wizard came out of nowhere in the game taunting the cute, orange cat.
And then the wizard took my character's sister. Talk about a bummer.
"Hey!" I exclaimed just like the chat bubble. "This bastard of a wizard just took my sibling. What did she do wrong? We're just a bunch of orphan cats, wizard dude."
A cute bubble that resembled a floating Pokemon started following my character, telling me he was my ally and that we had to chase after the wizard to save my sister.
"Oh, you don't say," I sarcastically remarked, pressing the enter button. "So, let me get this straight. I'm taking my cat nap, and an evil wizard that I don't know at all comes out of nowhere threatening to destroy the cat world and proceeds to kidnap my beloved sister?" I paused for a moment, tapping my chin. "Yeah, this is the plot of every kid's show I ever saw. No wonder my sense of humor is so twisted."
I clicked again for the next part of the story line. My character was thrown into a head-on combat within the first two minutes of the game. There were enemies surrounding me, and the evil wizard sat in the corner of my screen, taunting and mocking me.
My fingers hovered over the attack keys of my desktop, spamming my abilities as more and more adorable but deadly minions surrounded me. The blue bubble that hovered over my character's shoulder was my only guide. Funny how he thought teaching me combat while fighting was the smartest choice, but to each their own.
"Why must all cute things cause me such pain?" I whined, almost smashing my keyboard. "It's like the cuter the character, the more damage it does to me, and this is only the tutorial!"
Finally, I managed to escape their crummy clutches, and the chase was on again.
As the time passed, the worries and stress of my life dissipated into the thick atmosphere around me, tension emitting from my body and melting as the game possessed my state of mind.
The thrill of exploration, of strategies, of the unknown of another game overtook my senses. In video games, developers created each one with a purpose, developed a puzzle for people like me to figure out.
Granted, Cat Quest wasn't much of a puzzle, but it was immensely entertaining.
The tutorial was over, and my character was on a quest to find his sister with the handy blue bubble.
"What's this blue thing's name?" I asked aloud. My brows furrowed when it started yelling at me. "Whoa, man. I'm the one doing the fighting. You're just a personification of my thoughts."
As I went through the game, I started talking in the video as if I was talking to my friends, treating the camera like another person. In a way, the camera was the eye that reached thousands of others. Little things, little quirks would resonate with them, making my followers feel more at home, feel comforted during their dark days.
I wasn't the most popular Muslim on the internet, and I might never be excessively popular. I was known for my commentary, my sarcasm, my rants, my vlogs. Well, not really those vlogs since that was a once in a lifetime type of deal.
I didn't have all the time in the world for that. Also, who would want to sit there and watch my daily life like a total creep? The gates to privacy were always closed in regards with me. The internet only saw what I wanted them to see, not what I saw in myself.
Sadness crept behind me like a looming darkness threatening to shatter my existence with its force, violent and hostile. There were so many imperfections that laced my heart, a shredded embroidery across my soul, beautiful but tortured.
It wasn't crazy.
It wasn't mental.
It was a bittersweet longing for more, for the lives my friends were leading, for a future that wasn't so unpredictable like my path currently was.
Not now, Kanza, I told myself.
Once again, I forced my smile to widen, public scrutiny clawing inside me. "Anyway, I think it's time for me to cut this video. Your girl has some serious unpacking to do, and if I play any more, then I might be sucked into the vortex of cat puns and evil wizards," I laughed. "See you guys next time. If you haven't subscribed to it, what's wrong with you? I'm totally the best YouTuber around, so do yourself a favor and subscribe!"
With a press of a button, the video ended as quickly as my tranquility did. Tears welled in my eyes, and I never felt more alone in such a small space. My chest constricted along with the shallow breaths that escaped my dry lips.
Why am I crying? Why do I feel so alone?
Perhaps I was crazy.
Assalamualaikum!
Before anyone asks, yes, that's a real game along with every other game I'll mention in this book. No worries! You don't need to play them to understand. I will do my best to explain each game so it's as if you're playing through Kanza's eyes.
Keep in mind, Kanza is a beauty and gaming Youtuber.
Anyway, how many of you guys read the other two books before this one? It's okay if you didn't. But if you're tired of waiting for an update, go read them ;)
Don't forget to vote, comment, and follow!