Chapter 22
I sat on a log on Saturday night long after thegame had finished. A massive bon fire was situated mere feet in front of me.The heat burned my face, causing me to shake my messy hair in front of it toprotect it.
All around me there were people drinking, having fun, celebratingthe team's most recent win over a neighboring state's college's soccer team. Iloved this sort of atmosphere. I had been with Lucas for most of the day, thenwe had the game where we had to act like we were just friends. Coming to theparty and knowing I had to sEmily away from him was agonizing. Being around himwould be bad.
Even Eddie had said earlier tonight that the few times I hadtalked to Lucas during the game, my body language was too obvious. I didn'teven touch Lucas and Eddie could see it. That was why I had to keep mydistance. Lucas was with Erik and a couple other guys I didn't recognize butthey seemed nice enough. Erik and Lucas were friends, sort of. I would say theywere more like acquaintances. Thankfully I wasn't jealous of Erik, not like howI was with Casey.
Even though I was keeping my distance I was still watching Lucaslike a hawk. I knew it was probably a little stalkery, but what else was new? Ijust wanted to make sure nothing happened. Both of us were very precautiousbecause of what happened last time, but with no Ethan here, everything shouldbe fine.
We were both sticking to water or soda tonight too and didn't letanyone near our drinks. I glanced at Eddie who was sitting next to me. This wasthe first time we really had a chance to catch up properly today. "So...how'sliving with Casey?" I asked after a few minutes of not talking. "It'salright," he said, and silence fell once again. It was a normalconversation but I was so paranoid he was upset with me because of all of this."Are you mad at me?" I asked.
He sighed and looked at me, shaking hishead, "No. I'm not mad at you, Connor." "You seem annoyed,"I said skeptically. "Because last night you asked me that like five times.Dude, I'm cool with switching rooms. Chill out," he said. "Okay,okay. I just don't want things to be weird," I said defensively."They're not. Relax, man. How's life with you know who anyway?" heasked. "It's okay," I said, holding back a bit on how I really felt."It's okay," he mocked my voice, "Don't give me that. Give methe details," "There are no details," I said, but couldn't helpthe smile from forming. I looked down at the ground, away from him. "Areyou two getting serious?" he asked. "We've only been together forlike a week," I pointed out. "You and I both know something's been goingon there for longer than a week," he said.
I didn't say much, mostlybecause he was right and I didn't want him to know that. Mine and Lucas'relationship did feel a lot longer and more intense than a normal relationshipwould, or at least on my end it felt like that. I didn't really know what Lucaswas feeling. "Is this what we do now? Mushy little heart to hearts?"I joked. "Maybe.
Consider me your conscience," he said. "Thedevil on my shoulder," I corrected him. "Angel...on yourshoulder," he said warningly. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Lookingto my left I saw a familiar person walking over; Casey.
He had his sights seton us and I inwardly groaned. "Have you spoken to him yet?" Eddieasked. I looked to him, seeing him looking in the same direction I had justbeen. "Nope," I said simply. "Are you going to?" he asked."I don't know," I muttered. "I think you should. I mean, Lucas'gotten over what he did.
You're the only one with a grudge," he said."I don't have a grudge," I argued. "Sure you do. You should sortit out. You've been friends forever," he said. "Nah, not rightnow," I shook my head. "Now seems like a perfect time," he saidand got up.
I looked up at him with wide eyes. He was ditching me? Seriously? "Wait,where are you going?" I asked quickly. "To find Sophia. Havefun," he said cheerily.
"Eddie!" I whispered harshly, but he wasalready gone. I grit my teeth, grumbling in discomfort. He would pay for thislater. I had half the mind to get up and walk off too, but Casey knew I hadseen him and I didn't want to look like too much of an asshole, so I sEmilyedput as he came over. He sat where Eddie had been seconds before. I looked athim and honestly he looked awful. He was obvious tired.
His skin was paler thanusual. There were dark circles under his eyes; his eyes which were filled withworry. "This seat taken?" he asked. "Well you're already sittingthere," I said, sounding a little meaner than I intended to be."Right," he said, followed by an awkward silence. Despite the soundsof music and party-goers, to me in this moment it felt like I could hearnothing but the fire crackling. "So, how's Lucas?" he asked."Why don't you go ask him yourself?" I muttered. "Okay...I getit," he said.
He sounded so disheartened and exhausted. I actually feltbad. "Wait," I said before he got up and left, "He's fine."He stopped his movement and turned to me a little. "He is?" he askedhopefully. "Yeah. He's tough like that," I said, hiding a smile.
"I'm pretty sure he hates me," he said. I shook my head, my hatred fading awayonce I actually started talking and listening to him. "He doesn't," Iassured him. "Pretty sure you do though," he said.
It was so strangeseeing Casey be serious for once in his life.
I didn't blame him for thinking Ihated him though.
I was being cold towards him. I wasn't even mad at him forbeing violent since I wanted to do much worse to Ethan. I knew he didn't meanfor Lucas to get hurt with the whole drugging fiasco. I was jealous of hisfriendship with Lucas which was completely irrational but I couldn't help whatI felt.
I knew it wasn't fair though. "I don't hate you," I saidsincerely. "Then why are you being weird with me?" he asked. Icouldn't tell him the truth without telling him I liked Lucas, so avoided thetopic all together. "Forget it, man. We're cool," I told him."Really?" he asked. "Yeah, really. Now stop being sopathetic," I joked. He laughed, smiling, and it felt good to make a friendsmile. He was my friend.
I had to get over myself. "I'll try my best,"he said.
I looked away at our surroundings. Naturally my eyes landed on Lucas.He was talking to Erik, but I noticed him glancing over at us every now andagain. He knew I wasn't on the best of terms with Casey so it was probably alittle surprising that I was sitting here with him. "So, how are you doinganyway?" I asked, turning my attention back to Casey.
He avoided my gaze,looking at the fire and frowning. "As best as I can be after puttingsomeone in hospital," he said. "He deserved it," I said quicklyand bitterly. "I know but...never mind," he mumbled. "You'reworried you'll get caught, right?" I asked. He shrugged like he wasindifferent to the entire situation. "He never saw me. At least I don'tthink he did," he said. "How could he not have?" I asked. Therewas the look of guilt again. "I hit him from behind, knocked him out. Hedidn't even know I was there at first. I hit him from behind like some kind ofcoward," he spoke quietly. I could barely hear him over the music but Istill got what he said. "He was the coward. Not you. You did what I wantedto do but couldn't," I said. "Hmm...yeah...I guess," I saidthoughtfully. He sighed before rubbing his hands on his face and groaning infrustration.
He stopped, looking at me and I just listened. "I was out ofcontrol, man," he said, "I couldn't settle for hitting himonce...Once he was down I just..." He paused, and it really looked like hewas struggling. Casey didn't hurt people. He just didn't. He never had for aslong as I had known him. It just wasn't him, but this time, like he said, hehad lost control, which happens to the best of us. "I just kept hittinghim over and over...and over. I was just so mad at him..." He stoppedagain, shaking his head slowly and looking at the ground, "I don't evenknow if he's okay. I don't know if or when he's going to come back." Noone had heard anything about Ethan yet. I guess his friends didn't care enoughto find out.
"Hey, man, don't feel bad about what you did.
You just careabout Lucas," I said. He laughed, shaking his head, "You make mesound like a fag or something." I rolled my eyes, "I meant thatyou're friends," "Yeah, I guess," he shrugged. "You guess?You put a guy in hospital for him. I mean, it kind of seems like you care abouthim," I said.
He looked away from me again, going silent. I wondered whathe was thinking about. Casey always seemed so basic, so shallow, but I wasfinding out he was actually quite complex. He sort of reminded me of myself."He stopped me from dropping out of college, ya know?" he said."You were going to drop out?" I asked. "Mhm. I was failingeverything," he said. "Why?" I asked. "It was too hard.
I was having trouble keeping up. I thought I was an absolute idiot and not cutout for this bullshit," he said. "And how did he convince youotherwise?" I questioned. "He just reminded me that there are somethings I'm good at and some things I'm bad at.
He helped me figure out whichmajor would suit me better and I switched," he told me. "You switchedyour majors?" I asked, a little shocked.
I had no idea. "Yep. Made mymom real happy," he said sarcastically, "I could see her dreams of mebecoming a CEO of some bullshit corporate company vanish in front of hereyes...and at first I felt bad, but Lucas reminded me that it's my life and nottheirs." I felt a little weird having such a deep conversation with Caseysince we never had before.
I guess he felt the same considering what he saidnext. "Anyway, fuck man. We're turning into a couple of girls," helaughed and stood up, "I'm gonna go get a drink and find someone tonail." "Sure," I said, ignoring his vulgarity, "I'll catchyou later." He gave a quick nod before leaving me there.
I guess I felt abit better now that the air was cleared and we were friends again. I alwaysfelt a bit off when things weren't right with a friend. I blamed Lucas formaking me so in touch with my emotions.
He brought it out in me without evenknowing it. It was just his existence. I looked back over at the boy who had afirm grasp on my heart. He looked so hot tonight. It was crazy how I wassuddenly finding a guy to be so attractive. It was a lot more than looksthough. It was so much more than that.
I watched him as he was talking to Erik,and before I knew it he was coming towards me. I held back the smile and urgeto go and attack him with kisses.
I remained calm as he sat next to me, keepinga safe distance between us though. "Finally, you're free," he said."I'm always free for you," I flirted. He smiled shyly, brushing off mycomment. "So, what was that all about?" he asked. "Nothing. Wewere just chatting," I said. "You two okay?" he asked."Mhm," I nodded. "Good. Maybe things can start going back tonormal now," he said hopefully. "I don't want normal," I said.You. I want you. "It's killing me seeing you around and not being ableto-" I stopped myself mid-sentence because what I wanted to say sounded solame. "Kiss me?" he asked mischievously.
He discreetly licked hislips and smiled, biting on the bottom one. I sighed deeply. He was killing meand he knew it. "You can't do that and expect me to not want to take youback to our room and-" Once again, I stopped myself. I really needed tojust stop talking. I couldn't get sexual. It would make Lucas uncomfortablebecause he wasn't ready for that.
That's just another thing Lucas and Idiffered in.
I was so used to jumping into sexual relationships, and him? I hadno idea was his past relationships were even like. All I knew was that he likedto take things slow. "Anyway...I want at least a little bit of alone timewith you tonight. I mean, innocent alone time," I said. I glanced aroundme quickly.
There was no one close enough to hear our conversation. "Welive in the same room," he pointed out. "I know, but...I thought youliked the danger of sneaking around," I said, hoping I could tempt him,and it worked. "Well, what do you suggest?" he asked. I thought aboutit for a moment and looked around for a solution. I really did just want totake him back to the dorms, but for now I thought of a different option."I'm going to go off in that direction," I said, pointing towards thewoods, "Wait five minutes and then follow me." "Sneaking offtogether? What are we in middle school?" he laughed. "That's how youmake me feel sometimes so it's all your fault," I stood up, dusting myselfoff.
I held up my hand, showing five fingers. "Five minutes," Imouthed, and with that, I headed off.
I went past the few people that werebeyond the fire and walked towards the woods. I chose the side opposite to campus.Most people would be trekking to and from campus so I didn't want to riskrunning into any of them. If I went this way instead then no one else wouldcome out here. There was no reason to. I left undetected. No one was reallypaying any attention and, like I suspected, there was no one out here. I keptwalking, going far enough in so I was away from the party, even though I couldstill hear everything, and see the flicker of fire through the trees. I stoppedand waited anxiously.
Five minutes went past and that's when I heard a sound;the sound of leaves crunching on the ground. I looked around, trying to see Lucasthrough the darkness but I couldn't see a thing. "Vi-" I stopped,thinking twice. If it wasn't Lucas then I didn't want someone knowing that Iwas out here waiting for him. "Babe, is that you?" I called out.
Ifelt a little silly calling him babe, but it also felt kind of nice to say. Iheard another sound, this time a twig snapping. It sounded a lot closer thanthe last sound. I frowned, wondering what the hell it was.
I turned aroundslowly, glancing in every direction.
It was silent now. "Babe, huh?"A voice came from behind me and I swear I almost had a heart attack.
I spunback around and saw Lucas standing there.
I put my hand on my heart, trying tocalm myself down. He wasn't lying when he said he was sneaky. "You justscared me half to death," I scolded.
"Couldn't help myself," hesaid with a cheeky smile. My heart was still pounding rapidly. "Just forthat, you're not getting a kiss," I said smugly. "Fine by me,"he shrugged. He leant against a nearby tree, slipping his hands into hispockets. Stubbornly, I did the same, leaning against a tree straight acrossfrom him, crossing my arms over my chest.
I stared him down, not wanting to givein just yet. "Surely you didn't lure me out here for a Mexicanstandoff," he said. "Well you shouldn't have scared me," I toldhim off. "Aww...poor baby," he pouted. "You know what, you'reactually really mean despite how nice you try to come across," I said.
I hardly meant it though. "I'm not mean. You're just fun to tease," hesaid and pushed himself from the tree. He came towards me, his eyes trailing upand down my body. I swallowed hard, feeling like I was put under a microscope.Adorable, harmless Lucas had a little bit of an intimidating side. "You'reeasy to tease too...in more ways than one," he smirked.
He hooked hisfingers past the hem of my jeans and pulled my hips closer. Him touching meadded with the way he was looking at me just set me off.
My skin went hot andmy heart was beating double time. "You're not allowed to do that," Isaid quietly, my throat tightening. I took his hands, holding them and gaininga little bit of control back. "Do what?" he asked so innocently."Make me feel like this when I know you're not ready to go through withanything," I said. I was just being honest and thankfully I didn't offendhim or make him feel bad. "Good things come to those who wait. Calmyourself.
We've only been going out for a week," he said. "Feels likelonger," I told him. "Why?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrowstogether in a way that made him look positively adorable. "Because I feelstronger than I should in a week long relationship," I mumbled. He raisedhis eyebrows, looking a little surprised now. I realized what I said and shookmy head, not wanting to admit just how strongly I was feeling. "Imean...uh..." I fumbled over my words and sighed, giving up, "Okay Idon't have an excuse for what I just said." "Good.
Your excuses areterrible anyway," he said. "I know. I'm a bad liar," I grumbled."Bad liars are only bad liars because they want people to know thetruth," he said. I could barely comprehend what he said because I wasfinding it difficult to concentrate with him standing so close to me.
I could barelybreathe with him here, his body mere inches from mine, and those damn looks hekept giving me which he probably didn't even realize he was doing."So...will you kiss me now or are you still being a baby?" he asked."Mmm...still being a baby," I said. "My baby," he grinned.He titled his head up, his nose brushing against mine.
I closed my eyes as hisbreath warmed my lips. He let go of my hands and put his around my neck beforepulling me closer. He kissed me and I threw away the whole idea of punishinghim with no kisses. His kisses were too good to give up anyway.
I gentlygrasped his hips, sliding my hands around his back. I turned us around, pressedhim against the tree and kissed him harder.
Screw the party.
I wanted to takehim back to the dorms and just kiss him all night. I was about to suggest thatwhen the sound of leaves rustling made us pull apart.
I let go of Lucas andspun around quickly, looking in the direction of the sound, just in time to seethe dark shadow of someone running off.