I stood on the soccer field with the rest of my teammates, stretching before Coach got here to start practice. We were all off in one group, the only lone person being Lucas , standing a little bit away, juggling the ball around on each foot, making sure it didn't hit the ground.
I could really tell how much talent he had just by watching him do that. It made me feel a little threatened. I watched him while half paying attention to the others. He was given a uniform and wore it now.
It was red, which had me feeling nostalgic because it was the same color as the girl's team uniform from when we were in high school.
When his back was turned I could have mistaken him for Ana. Then again, he was Ana. This was still messing with my head. "I wonder if they're gay or straight," Ethan spoke a little louder than everyone else.
My gaze had still been on Lucas. I saw him falter, dropping the ball. He glanced over at the group for only a second before starting again.
Me, sitting on the ground, looked up at Ethan. "I think you're a moron," I said with a sigh. I was already done with this bullshit. I was sick of hearing about the speculation.
It was like no one had anything better to talk about. "Ooh, getting defensive of your crush, hm?" he asked. Panic rose in me.
My eyes darted to Lucas, hoping he hadn't heard it. If he did then he did a good job hiding it. Next I glared at Casey and Eddie. One of them must have told. Actually, it could have been a few of the others guys. I never really kept my crush on Ana a secret from them in high school. Ethan however was never in my group of friends at that stage.
"No," I said calmly, "You're just, like I said, a moron," "Whatever," he muttered, not willing to go against me in front of the others, "Anyway, I reckon they're gay,"
"Why?" one of the other guys, Ricky, asked. "Because, when that thing was Ana, she dated guys, so...they're like a guy now, right? So they're still into guys, so...gay. Or...or straight, because they're technically a girl," Ethan frowned, looking confused at his own theories.
I stood up from the ground, dusting myself off. "You know, you seem awfully interested in whether they're gay or not. Looking to get lucky?"
I asked. His face contorted into disgust as a few others snickered. "Ugh, gross, that's just so wrong on so many level," he said.
I had to admit I kind of enjoyed his discomfort. "Where do you think his boobs went?" another teammate, Ricky cut in. Ethan looked relieved that the focus was off him again. I rolled my eyes. "Maybe she cut 'em off while PMSing," Ethan laughed, and so did a few of the others, "Oh dude, do you think she still gets a period?" "You are literally so stupid," I snapped, getting a little more fired up than before.
I knew Lucas could hear. They were talking too loudly and now I was getting annoyed. I barely even knew Lucas but I kind of wanted to punch Ethan in the face because of this.
I would have too but I knew he'd win in a fight against me. He was taller, more built. He went to the gym and did weights; I didn't. "Calm down, Loverboy," he grinned slyly.
I didn't want this to be some sort of new joke on me where they all tease me for someone I used to have a crush on. I didn't want this false information getting around about me. I could seriously just hit him. Thankfully the conversation ended there though when Coach arrived on the field.
The team all stood, facing him, and Lucas came closer but still stood a little away from us with a hard expression on his face. I didn't blame him either. Everyone was picking on him like we were in kindergarten. "Alright, today we're gonna do six a side. Dan and Brett, you're subs, you're benched," Coach said, pointing at the two boys.
They were our back-ups. They weren't the best players but were still pretty good. "Shirts versus skins. Connor, Erik, Jonah, Eddie, Damian and Casey; you're shirts. Ethan, Oliver, Adam, Ricky, Matt and Lucas; Skins," Coach ordered. Everyone's eyes, including my own, fell on Lucas.
He looked around, worry seeping through his normally blocked off expression. The other five boys on the skins team took their shirts off. "Coach, can I please switch with someone on shirts?"
Lucas asked. "There ain't any special treatment given here, fairy. You wanna be part of the team then you follow the rules.
You're skins. Shirt off," Coach barked. I looked at Coach skeptically. He could be a bit of a southern hick sometimes. He could have a narrow mind, but I wasn't sure if he was doing this to mess with Lucas for his own sick amusement, or if he was genuinely a dumbass and didn't realize what was going on. "Coach-," I started and was stopped immediately.
"No one asked you to talk, Thompson," he said. "It's fine," Lucas said, instantly defusing the situation a bit. I had watched Lucas enough in high school to know what he was like.
He was stubborn and although he obviously went through a huge change in the last couple of years, I was about to see that that didn't alter the basis of his personality at all.
With a passive expression he grabbed hold of the hem of his shirt before pulling it over his head, revealing his naked torso. The stubborn side of him made him stand there and not move. He wanted to be on this team and would do what he had to to stay, even if it meant doing something he really didn't want to.
In that moment I saw how strong he was. Despite the ridicule that was sure to come and despite the fact that he was practically being forced to do this, he kept calm, but I could see in his eyes he was anything but calm. They were glistening with tears and if someone didn't do something, or if people kept just staring at him, then he was about thirty seconds away from a breakdown.
I had been staring at his face but my curiosity got the better of me and I looked down. His chest was flat, but where his breasts should have been, there were two long, faded scars.
That wasn't what caught my eye the most though, it was the huge scar on his upper arm on the inside. I had no clue what that one was from.
"That's demented," Ethan laughed from behind me. This wasn't cool at all. This was just not on. I felt like I needed to do something. I looked to Eddie, Casey and Erik who were closest to me. I had an idea. "Take your shirts off," I told them quietly.
They all gave me confused looks. "Just do it," I whispered. I was first. I took my shirt off and tossed it at Coach, getting his attention. He looked to me, and so did the others, the focus momentarily off of Lucas. "What are you doing?" Coach asked.
"I wanna be on the skins team," I said with a shrug. Next was Eddie, taking his shirt off and tossing it on the ground. Casey, always the one to want to get naked, took his off too, and so did Erik. Coach's face went bright red, full of rage. I glanced at Lucas, a small smile appearing on his face.
A tear ran down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away before anyone could see. "Well you can't all be skins!" Coach shouted. "Why not?" I asked like this made complete sense. "Put your shirts back on or you're benched for the rest of practice," Coach said. I stood there, unmoving. The other three followed my lead. The rest of the team thought this was the funniest thing ever. They thought I was just screwing with Coach.
"That's it, the four of you, benched," he snarled, "Dan and Chris! You're up!" Dan and Brett, who had been sitting on the bench got up, jogging back over to the team. Coach turned to Lucas. "Put your shirt back on, Princess," he said. The term 'Princess' was something he used for all of us on numerous occasions.
Lucas would probably take it a different way though. Lucas raised his shirt but then stopped, his gaze wandering over the people gawking at him like he was in a zoo. "No," he said simply, "I don't have anything to hide. I'll be on skins," I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
He didn't want to hide? I thought he'd be embarrassed or something, at least that's what it seemed by his reaction from before. Now I had no idea what. Coach rolled his eyes, clearly over the bullshit, "Alright, fine. Lucas, Matt, Adam, Jonah and Ricky, you're skins. Ethan, Dan, Brett, Oliver and Damian, you're shirts. For fucks sake, you bunch of pansies. Get in your positions and start the game."
With that, everyone scattered. I grabbed my shirt before Casey, Eddie, Erik and I left the field, sitting on the bench. "Sorry, guys," I said to them. "What the hell was up with that? I mean, I'm all for taking my clothes off, but seriously?" Casey asked.
"I just wanted to piss off Coach," I told him. "Yeah, well, you owe me," he said, believing the lie. Erik didn't say anything. He was clever enough to know why I did what I did, and so was Eddie.
They were also mature enough not to give me shit for it. I liked them a lot. Eddie had always been my best friend, as for Erik, he was more of an acquaintance but he didn't have a mean bone in his body. After a minute of sitting there, I felt someone staring at me. I looked to my left at Eddie.
His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration. "What?" I asked a bit snappily. "Nothing," he said quickly and looked away. Erik who was on the other side of Eddie snickered. The two of them looked at each other, communicating silently. "Seriously, what?" I asked. "Nothing! I was just admiring your beauty is all," he joked. "Psh, fag," I muttered teasingly. I continued watching the game, my eyes falling on Lucas. So there was the proof he had surgery.
I would think that'd be kind of expensive. I wondered how he got the money for it. I remembered in high school he had lived in the richer suburbs, so maybe it was his parents.
I also wondered what in the world goes through someone's mind to want to alter their body so much. I don't think I'd ever be able to understand. It was just something from a different world to me. I watched him running across the field. In practice the other day his movements were swift; calculated even. Today they were aggressive. Coach kept shouting at him to be a team player and he'd calm down for a moment, but minutes later he'd be back at it, stealing the ball, running faster, kicking harder.
Most of the other players couldn't keep up and in the end it ended up being like a one person game. He was good though, I'd give him that. Half way through the game Coach was groaning in frustration at the mess of a team. He turned, looking at me. He knew he needed his captain.
"You four, back on field for the second half. I don't want to see any more bullshit. Connor and Eddie, you're shirts. Other two; skins," he ordered. I looked at the boys, smiling mostly because the punishment that was my fault was over so they didn't have to suffer because of me.
I slipped my shirt back on and the four of us went back on the field, getting in our positions as the second half started. There was no room for a break during practice.
The second half went much better. The game was more structured with the four of us joining, or at least with Erik, Eddie and I rejoining. We seemed to be the sensible ones of the team. As the game was nearing an end I found myself walking alongside Ethan, Dan and Brett.
None of them took much notice of me as I was a little bit away, but I still heard their conversation. "Let's take the she-freak out," the sentence uttered by Ethan was what alerted me. My eyes shot to him. What the hell was he planning? "I wanna see how hard of a hit our team princess can get.
Might be our first chance to beat up on a girl," he chuckled menacingly. Joke or not, that was sick.
The two other boys smiled and nodded.
Those two barely have one person's worth of brain power between them. They'd go along with anything. I was team captain. I had to look out for my team mates. There couldn't be any segregation.
With that thought, or at least that excuse for defending Lucas, in my mind, I headed over to them. They didn't even see me. They just ran off, getting back into the game. I followed after them. "Connor!" Coach shouted. I looked to him.
He pointed to where I was supposed to be on the field, giving me a 'what the hell are you doing?' look. Shit. I gritted my teeth and abandoned my mission of telling Ethan off.
The game continued. Lucas stole possession of the ball from Casey easily. He came running down the field, heading towards our goals, with Ethan, Dan and Brett jogging away from them, towards Lucas. It wasn't my position to defend. This was practice. Those three boys were supposed to do this, but I couldn't help myself knowing that they were going after Lucas, so I took off, ready to intercept him.
I got to him, running by his side. "Let me take the ball," I said. He looked at me like I was crazy. "No," he said simply. We were getting closer to others. I've seen Ethan against opposing teams. I've seen him accidentally, or more like on purpose, break their arms and give them concussions. This wouldn't end well. Without too much of a second thought, I stole the ball from Lucas, tripping him in the process.
He fell to the ground with a thud. I glanced at Ethan, a look of disappointment crossing his face. I hid my pleasure at thwarting his plans. I turned quickly, dribbling the ball down the field before kicking it to Eddie and letting him score. I stopped, taking deep breaths. I glanced around at the team. Lucas was picking himself off the ground with a look of hatred in his eyes directed towards me. I shrugged it off. "Okay, good practice! At least for the second half anyway..." Coach said, "Hit the showers!" And with that, the majority of the team headed towards the locker rooms, minus Lucas who I wasn't surprised wasn't going to join us.
—
I lived for the weekends. Other than the occasional weekend game, Saturday nights were a blessing. No school and no practice either. As much as I loved practice and games, it was nice to have a break from it all and get involved in some recreational activities. That night I found myself in the stairwell, a girl pressed between me and the wall. Her head was thrown back in ecstasy. Her desperate moans came out in barely a whisper as she tried to keep quiet. Almost in an instant the mood was killed when, in the middle of the night, I heard quick footsteps coming up the stairs.
I stopped my movements and looked down the flight of stairs. Standing there, almost like a dear caught in the headlights, was Lucas. He was panting, a thin layer of sweat on his forehead. The mood was gone just like that. I looked at the girl in frustration before pulling out and turning away from Lucas to do my jeans up. The girl, I had no idea what her name even was, flattened her skirt out, fixing her clothes.
"Sorry," the small voice came from Lucas, still at the bottom of the stairs. "Don't worry about it," I said a little awkwardly. He started running again, coming towards us. I took a step to the side, avoiding him as he continued up the stairs, running faster. I frowned and looked down the stairwell. It was empty.
I was here on the third floor after not getting back to the dorm, although part of my reasoning was not wanting to bother Eddie again with my antics. "Well that was bit of a buzzkill," the girl said. I turned back to her. "Yeah, sorry about that. We should have found somewhere a little more private," I told her. She smiled nonetheless and came towards me.
"Maybe we can hang out again sometime?" she asked. Just like the girl from earlier in the week, and all the others before then, I felt no inclination to continue things. Lucas was still in my mind and how I felt about him when he was, well, known as Ana, I guess. I hadn't had that kind of swooning feeling since then and I suppose I was looking for it, but every girl was just wrong, but just as I was about to reject this girl and send her on home, I had a thought. I couldn't just magically expect some sort of connection. I hardly even tried.
"What was your name again?" I asked. She frowned at me, crossing her arms over her chest in annoyance.
"It's Emily," she said. She flicked her brown hair out of her face, giving me a look of attitude. I took my phone out of my pocket, went to my contacts and added her name. I handed her the phone and she smiled when she saw what I was doing. She added her number and handed it back.
"Thanks. I'll text you," I told her.
"You better. We've have things to finish," she said slyly, winking at me. I smiled and nodded.
"Mhm, you got it," I said. She kissed me on the cheek before smiling and skipping down the stairs. I sighed in relief, yet not relieved at all. I was sexually frustrated now, but my dick has never deflated so fast after getting interrupted by Lucas of all people. I headed back up the stairs and got to level four when once again I heard the running.
I paused as Lucas came down the stairs. Now I was just confused. "Where are you going?" I asked. "I can't stop," he said and practically bounced past me. Down the stairs he went without another word. God, he was weird.
I leisurely kept going up the stairs. I got to level five; my dorm room level, and hesitated on opening the door. I looked down the center of the stairwell. I saw Lucas' hand on the railing. He was already down the bottom. I stayed there, letting my curiosity for this weird kid get the better of me.
He came back up the stairs, running up them faster than I thought possible. Once again he got to me, but this time he did stop. How long had he been at this? He was covered in sweat. I could see it through his grey hoodie. He was huffing and puffing, catching his breath. He must have been outside earlier because I didn't see him when I brought that Emily girl up here. "You're still here?" Lucas asked, giving me an odd look. Right, because I was the odd one here. He's the one running up and down the stairs in the middle of the night.
"Yeah..." I said, pausing, "You know there's a twenty-four hour gym, right?" "I know.
I was already there earlier...I didn't really feel welcome so...here I am," he said breathily. "Oh...right...so...why are you, umm, exercising at midnight?" I asked. "Why were you having sex in the stairwell with a girl at midnight?" he shot back. "Touché," I said with an awkward laugh.
That was kind of embarrassing.
Lucas sat down on one of the steps. He sighed in exhaustion, visibly relaxing against the railing. I thought about just leaving him and going back to my dorm, but I felt more tempted to stay.
Back in high school I would have killed for an opportunity like this. I used to dream of just getting a second of time alone with Ana and I knew this was different. It was so much different.
They were like two different people but at the same time not. It was a confusion I couldn't seem to get over. I just knew I wanted to talk to him, so I sat down on the step above him. He glanced behind himself at me. He had that same look on his face that he had when we were waiting for the elevator together, and then he moved a couple of steps down. Again, he was so strange, but I didn't think too much of it. "I'm sorry for tripping you at practice," I told him. He turned a bit so he was facing me more, and leant his back against the railings. "Don't be.
I know why you did it," he said. "You do?" I asked in confusion.
"Yeah. It was to assert your dominance in the team, right?" he asked a little bitterly. It sucked doing something nice and not getting the credit for it. "No. It was because they would have hurt you ten times worse," I said. He looked surprised.
"They?" he questioned.
"Ethan, Brett and Dan...you need to watch out for them," I warned. His gaze fell down on the stairs.
"They wanted to hurt me?" he asked. I could hear the worry in his voice. I didn't want him feeling that. "I mean, not really. They just wanna mess with you, I guess. Like, you're the new guy and stuff.
The new guy always has a bit of a hard time," I said but I had no idea if my reassurance was working or not. He went quiet, picking apart at the loose stitching on his tracksuit pants. "Thanks for the shirt thing," he spoke after a little while. "Coach is a dick. It was fun to stand up to him," I said. "Right..." he whispered. He looked at me again, a small smile playing at his lips before he changed the topic.
"So I heard you had a crush on me in high school," he said. My face must have gone bright red and my heart rate soared. "Who the hell told you that?" I asked quickly.
"Casey talks a lot, and I mean a lot," he said. "You and Casey talk?" I asked. "Have you met him?" he laughed. He had a point.
Casey liked to fill in any bit of silence with ramblings. "Right...well...I had a crush on Ana," I said, just to clear things up. "I'm still the same person," he said with a frown.
Only he wasn't. At least in my eyes he wasn't. But then again he was. My brain wanted to explode just thinking about this. "Can I ask you a question?" I asked.
"As long as it's not 'do you have a dick?', then sure," he said. That was actually something I was curious about but I would never bring it up. "It's not," I shook my head. "Then go ahead," he shrugged. "Okay, well...how does this whole, like...transgender thing work? Like...I mean, you're a guy now...but before?" I questioned. I didn't know if this was crossing a line or not.
I felt so timid talking to him, like I had to watch everything I said. "Well..." he started before going off on a mini-speech that sounded rehearsed, "I was born as a biological female, however my gender identity is male.
So while I did look like a girl and sound like a girl because that's how I was born, on the inside I was a guy.
Psychologically I've always been a guy. It took me until I was about fifteen to figure that out, and now I'm still a guy and still the same person, I just look the part now," I took in the information, trying to make sense of it.
I suppose that's what I thought, but it was good to get confirmation so I wasn't so lost all the time. "Man, that gets exhausting to say," he sighed. "Sorry," I said quickly, "I was just..." "Curious?" he finished the sentence. "Yeah. I've never met someone like you before," I said. "I'm just another person," he said. "Sorry," I apologized again, "I know... I probably sound like an idiot to you," "No. You sound like the only person on campus who's bothered trying to get to know me without making assumptions," he said. The only person? No one else had approached him like this? No one else simply asked? I thought back to the soccer team.
If everyone else was like that then I guess this wasn't a surprise.
I looked at Lucas who once again wasn't looking back at me. He seemed nervous. This was all still so surreal. I got it now, I did.
He was born a female but was actually a guy. I missed Ana though. I felt like I lost her when I never even had her.
"You left without saying anything to anyone. Where did you go?" I asked. He stayed quiet, still not looking at me. I knew they left to get a sex change, but he was gone for two whole years. That's a long time for surgery.
A year would even be a long time. "I'm gonna go to the showers while they're empty," he said simply and then he was up, leaving me in the stairwell.