Chrissie and Brian had that almost uncomfortable kind of smile on their face. The kind of smile that screamed ‘we are so ridiculously happy and none of you people know why but shit are we happy’. In fact, their creepy smiles and loving attitude toward one another was infectious and it spread around the brunch table like wildfire…okay, I’m lying….it sure as hell did not. Freddie and Mary were hung over on leftover cake, John just pushed his breakfast omelet around and Veronica appeared and acted as if she were about to tear someone’s head off.
“Um…would…would anyone fancy this sauce? It’s exquisite.” Chrissie asked, happily presenting the sauce to any takers.
“I’ll take more sauce, sweetheart.” Brian said enthusiastically, taking the sauce from her. Veronica rolled her eyes. There was silence around the table as Mary stared blankly into her coffee cup. Her head was spinning from a champagne and sugar rush. John continuously looked at Veronica cautiously, darting his eyes between her and his plate. Finally, Freddie dropped his fork unable to tolerate the silence.
“So…boys and girls. It’s nearly 1:00. At what point do we become concerned about the birthday girl and the other one? Hmm? I tried to call four times earlier!” Freddie said, looking around the table for an answer. Chrissie shrugged.
“They’re probably just not picking up the phone. Did you try going to their suite and knocking?” Freddie looked at Chrissie as if she had just said the most genius thing he had ever heard in his life.
“What the…no! No…no I didn’t even think of such a brilliant thing. Oh, Chrissie! You’re really on top of things!” Freddie grinned at her.
“I know! I was on top of Brian last night! I’ve never done that before! OH MY GOD!” Chrissie exclaimed, not being able to hold that information in a moment longer. Oh she was fluttering above the clouds. So that’s why her cheeks were pink…it wasn’t a hangover…it was Brian. That stopped the eating around the table right quick. Chrissie gushed, trying to fight her enormous smile, Brian trying to fight his as well.
“Jesus…god. How long have you been fucking? Huh? What? Uh…five years? Five years, darling? And you’re just now getting on top!? I bet you keep vanilla ice cream in your freezer and get all crazy when you add chocolate syrup to it.” Freddie shook his head and returned to his plate, preparing for another trip to the brunch buffet. Mary finally let out a laugh, leaning over on Veronica who gave her a forced smile.
“Well, I would have done it sooner had I known it would have been that good!” Chrissie admitted.
“She’s right you know that? You know there is this cosmic event that reminds of the way Chrissie…” John shook his head at Brian.
“No…no Brian. There is not enough coffee to deal with your cosmic events.” He said, putting a hand on Veronica’s shoulder. She looked up, her eyes ridiculously wide. Roger and I slid into the two empty seats as discreetly as two people could with twelve shopping bags. We didn’t say anything to anyone at first. Our intention was to head immediately to the buffet without saying a word….that didn’t work at all.
“ ‘Ey, Lyd. Buffet, let’s go babe.” Roger said quietly to me.
“Ooooh no. No. No. Sit down. You…oh my. That is….that is a very soft polo shirt.” Brian said. “So….are either of you going to explain the….one, two, three….twelve bags in the floor and why you both look like you belong in Hollywood? Roger shook his head at Brian, removing his mirrored aviator sunglasses and lying them on the table. Brian had no idea those had just been purchased this morning.
“Hi, could I get two cups of coffee please, one’s for her, black and an ashtray? Thank you.” Roger said to the waitress who was passing by.
“There’s nothin’ to see here.” Roger told Brian. I agreed wholeheartedly.
“Freddie’s been looking for you two all morning. Where the hell have you been? Well, obviously, you’ve been to Manolo Blahnik and Chanel….and Dolce and Gabbana and Gucci and….oh god. You cleaned our Dior didn’t you?! Mary gasped, examining the load on the floor. “Freddie is gonna’ kill you! You’ve been to Beverly Hills! You know how much he…ooooh Roger, I know it’s her birthday but Fred is going to killllll you!” she said. I knew Roger and I should have gone back to the suite first and delivered all this. Sure enough, Freddie returned and nearly spilled everything in his plate all over Mary.
“Oh my god! You’ve been shopping! That’s why I couldn’t get ahold of your sorry arses! I hate you! I don’t care if it is her birthday, Roger! You know how badly I wanted to go to Beverly Hills! I adore clothes and the best ones are there! How the hell did you even get there!? You can’t drive on these backwards highways! Fuck! You went to Dior!? I hate you even more!” Freddie practically dropped his plate to the table. Veronica looked up to both Roger and I with a bit of a look of disgust on her face. “And how the hell did you even find your way there without directions? Did you ask the hotel? Did you call Jim? Oh! This is a beautiful scarf! You don’t mind that I go through your bags, right!? Lydia! For god’s sake! There are five pair of Manolos in here!”
“I couldn’t decide!” I tried to defend myself.
“They all looked good on her. Shit, it’s not like she won’t wear ‘em. Come on, babe. Buffet.” Roger said, tugging on my arm. I smiled, preparing to get up.
“Wait, who the hell is Debbie? Happy Birthday Lydia, thanks for doing what you do with your tongue. Love, Debbie. Aww, Lydia! It’s a gorgeous clutch! Black satin and rhinestones! Oooooh it’s a Fendi! Can I borrow this sometime!?” Freddie asked, happily. Roger and I both looked a little terrified. “Oh! Oh what’s this? There’s a tube of lipstick and a pair of white silky panties in here.” My eyes were wider than saucers as I glared horribly at Freddie. This was it. There was going to be one less member of Queen at this brunch table.
“You know what lets just…let’s just….throw that thing…under…here.” Roger said, swiping the clutch from Freddie and jamming it into the bottom of the nearest bag. “Shut uuuuuuup.” Roger growled under his breath to Fred. “Lyd. Buffet. Now.” Roger shifted those wide blue eyes to me and I grabbed him hand, preparing to leave for the buffet.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait….Lydia…happy birthday, by the way. What uh….what do you do with your tongue and how does it involve this….this Debbie that I’ve never even heard of? Please darling, first you deprive me of the shopping adventure of a lifetime and now you get a birthday note from someone that I don’t know?” Freddie just had to press on with this.
“Oh god, it’s…it’s nothin’ Fred. It’s reeeaaaally, reaaaaally not a big deal at all. She’s just….you know…a…friend…that I….know.” I shook my head incessantly, standing up with Roger and walking away from the table. Roger and I had never scurried through a buffet line so quickly, taking a little bit of this and than even if we didn’t like it. Freddie’s eyes were on us the entire time.
“Okay, why are they acting weird?” John asked. Freddie shrugged and returned to his plate.
“They’re probably overwhelmed with guilt because they didn’t invite me on their little birthday shopping spree. What Freddie didn’t know was that Roger and I had happily awoken with Debbie Harry that morning. Both of us ridiculously in love with each other and so sexed out we could hardly function. I got my customary birthday….well, I got something that I always get for my birthday every year…not that it’s the only time of the year I get it….my birthday is always when it lasts the longest because Roger forces me into it. Once Roger pulled his tongue from between my legs, we learned that Debbie had a plane to catch at 12:30 that day. We got up, showered, and for the record three people can’t fit into a shower at the Ritz-Carlton…two can though…and Debbie was sweet enough to shove Roger in there with me after she...well, she did some things and then threw Roger in the shower with me. I gave Debbie some of my clothes for the flight since she didn’t have a damn thing. We got to talking over room-service tea only to learn that she knew where all the best shopping in Beverly Hills was located and where to find a trendy coffee bar that she insisted we had to visit. She called her driver who took the three of us to Beverly Hills for some serious birthday retail therapy.
Debbie Harry was the best shopping partner ever, aside from Roger. That woman had style, taste and my god could she spend someone else’s money. As if Roger couldn’t have gotten any more gorgeous, the clothes she picked out for him made my heart leap out of my throat. The clothes Roger picked out for me made Debbie’s heart leap out of her throat. To show her how truly fabulous she was in bed and to be with, Roger and I picked out a gorgeous Dior handbag for her and Roger begged me to take my panties off and put them inside it….which is where she got the idea from. The thought of me lose in Beverly Hills with Debbie in one hand, Roger in the other wearing nothing under my dress was enough to kill him.
He and I had spent nearly 13,000 US dollars before noon and we loved every minute of it. Debbie swooned every time Roger took me in his arms and didn’t hesitate to kiss me in public. Judge us however much you want, but despite being in love with sex and money….Roger and I loved each other more. And we were quite down to earth after you scraped off our expensive taste. Roger and I accompanied Debbie Harry to the airport, her only luggage in the trunk of the car that the driver had loaded earlier. We arrived at LAX, the driver took her straight to the door and unloaded her only suitcase along with her newly acquired purchases. Roger and I kissed and hugged all over her, thanking her for an amazing night before exchanging addresses. She disappeared into the airport, flashing us one last gorgeous smile before we lost sight of her. He driver happily agreed to take us back to the Ritz-Carlton. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way Roger looked at me, said ‘happy birthday, baby I love you’ then laid me down in the back seat. We made out like two horny sixteen-year-olds. The past twelve hours had been the best start ever to my birthday.
We returned with our absurdly piled plates, coffee waiting, and six sets of eyes on us. I took a long drink of coffee while Roger fought with bottle of ketchup on the table. There was an awkward silence around the table again.
“So…why exactly did you leave me to go shopping in Beverly Hills surrounded by fabulousness and who is Debbie?” Freddie questioned.
“Mmm…great coffee, yeah?” I looked to Roger, avoiding Freddie’s question. “She’s just someone Roger and I went shopping with this morning. We told you already.”
“It is. You want ketchup, babe?” he asked, shoving the bottle toward me. I nodded my head.
“Thank you.” I answered.
“Where did you go last night? I wanted to tell you goodnight but I couldn’t find you anywhere.” Mary stated to me as I too, fought with the ketchup.
“Mmm…I was tired. I went to bed.” I answered her quickly, far too much ketchup exploding from the bottle. “Shit…” I mumbled.
“Well! Let’s talk about Lydia’s birthday! You know what you’re doing tonight, right?” Chrissie asked me, excitedly. Hell, I had been so wrapped up in Debbie Harry that I had completely forgotten that I had over twelve hours of birthday left. I looked up from my plate and over to Roger.
“No. No, what are we doing?” I asked, of him; wiping my hands on the line napkin. Roger dropped his fork and turned to face me.
“Okay babe, are you ready for this? Freddie helped me plan this.” Roger began. Freddie began to fidget with excitement. “You’ve heard me talk about McDonald’s….well, we’re goin’ out tonight for dinner….all of us to McDonald’s and then…we’re goin’ to a gay club called The Purple Tart down in Hollywood.” Roger finished. I blinked a couple times, a stone cold serious look on my face. I looked to Freddie and then to Roger. I pushed my plate aside for a moment.
“You mean to tell me….for my birthday…we are going to McDonalds…and a gay club?” I paused as Roger shook his head at me, a smile plastered on his face. Freddie swallowed hard because I hadn’t reacted to the plans.
“OH MY GOD! ROGER! I’M SO EXCITED! THAT’S THE BEST IDEA EVER!” I was much, much louder than I should have been for a brunch crowed. I threw my arms around him, beyond thrilled. I felt obligated to get up and hug Freddie but Roger whispered something in my ear before I could. Unfortunately, he whispered a little too loudly…
“What!? What did you just say?” Brian looked to Roger, completely blindsided. “You…you did…what?” The shock on Brian’s face was priceless. “You…had…you had a threesome last night!?” Brian’s voice was all panicky and maybe even a little curious. “Did you just say…’and you thought the threesome was good?’” Chrissie gasped, Mary looked at us and replied with “You did what!?”, Freddie had a fox in the headlights look on his face and remarked far too loudly, “Oh my god, darlings! You had a fucking threesome!?” John dropped his coffee cup and Veronica remarked with “OH MY GOD!” Roger dropped his head in his palms and I promptly lit a cigarette to avoid any and all eye contact.
“Oh my god! A threesome!? As in sex with three people in the same bed!? Brian move! MOVE! Let me just….” Freddie ridiculously walked around the table with his chair and shoved Brian and Chrissie down the side of the table, awkwardly making them scoot their chairs. “…get…situated….here…I just have…” Freddie squished himself between Roger and I, shoving Roger and his plate toward Brian. “…a few…questions. Who was it with? How did this happen? When did this happen? Who’s idea was it? Was it with another man or another woman? Was it good? Who did what to whom? Who performed the best? Were there any restraints involved, darling? OH! Cake! Did you involve cake?” Freddie rambled incessantly. John calmly shook his head.
“All very valid questions.” He said, staring in awe at Roger and I.
“So much for you on top being the highlight of the afternoon. They just took the prize…again.” Brian mumbled to Chrissie. She shook her head, feeling a little defeated. Oh god….we were found out. This was going to be one of those things Roger and I kept to ourselves…so much for that. I sighed and folded my hands on the table.
“Alright, Roger and I…had a threesome with Debbie Harry. She’s American. She’s the lead singer in a band called Blondie. It is not a big deal, Freddie. Just…let it go. It was great and…” I couldn’t wrap my mind around what happened next.
“This is bullshit! This is absolute bullshit! What do you mean you had a threesome and it’s not a big dea?. It is a big. FUCKING. Deal!” An enraged Veronica, nearly yelled across the table.
“Veronica!” Mary looked at her, utterly shocked at her reaction.
“You sit there and react as if….as if….every marriage comes with a threesome and that it’s perfectly normal! It’s like neither of you value the…the sanctity of marriage! It's some goddamn joke to you!"
“Veronica! Please. It’s really…it’s…they were clearly very consensual with it.” Chrissie smirked a little and looked to Brian. In the eight years I had known Chrissie….this was the first time she had defended Roger and I.
“No! No, Chrissie! They are entitled, spoiled sluts who…who…who have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work nor do they give a shit! There is no love between two people who willingly allow someone else into their bed. You’re marriage is bullshit. You two are bullshit.” Veronica stood up, pushing her chair back.
“Veronica, what the hell?” John murmured to her, slightly embarrassed by her very unpredicted actions. He got up to follow Veronica.
“No! Don’t follow me! Don’t you follow me!” she pointed a trembling finger at John before storming away.
“Veron…ica…” I lipped, mostly to myself. In the nearly seven years I had known her, she had never….never lost her composure like this and especially toward me. She was my best friend…we had gone through so much together. I’d never heard her raise her voice at John. I stared at her, watching her walk away and feeling my heart break. Her words cut deeply but my best friend was broken and I had no idea why. I had no idea what the hell had just gotten into her. This wasn't my Veronica. I could feel Roger’s fingers interlace with mine underneath the table and across Freddie’s lap. He gave my hand a squeeze and I squeezed back even harder, looking at him and begging for his comfort without saying so. He read me like a book, pulling my lips into his despite Freddie being in the middle of us.
“I’m sorry. Oh god. I am….so sorry…for…for her.” John said softly, still slightly embarrassed.
“ S’okay, baby. S’okay.” Roger told me softly. He kissed me again. “I love you.” he said. Freddie looked at John, then to Brian, then to Mary and lastly to Chrissie. Mary glanced over at John, picked up her coffee cup and looked back to Freddie. She moved her finger in a circle, which was the Mary Austin non-verbal way of saying ‘smooth this over, Freddie.’
“So, tell us about the threesome. He said, smiling and taking my hand and Roger’s I his own. Freddie had a way and he was using his charm because it got Roger and I to smile and distract us from what had just occurred.