"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake." – Chuck Palahniuk.
I believe that sometimes everyone deserves to break down. They deserve to have a night, or a day, or a week to break down, to collapse, and to give up, so long as they promise themselves that it won't last. That the pain that they feel will eventually subside, and when it does, they have to climb to their feet, dust themselves off and get back in the game – because no matter how hard we get pushed to the ground, we can always get back up. It's the people that do not, those people are the ones that need help, and I was once one of those people. I was someone who had zero faith in myself, I fell to my knees and I was not strong enough to carry on.
Fortunately I had people, or a person in my life that was willing to go out of her way to help me. She showed me how strong I was, how I could fight even if all my bones were broken, because the most beautiful part about losing everything you thought was dear to you, was the fact that you then had nothing left to lose. And when that's the case, you're pretty much unstoppable.
Obviously, as time went on I met others, I forged a few relationships worth keeping, and suddenly I had a new set of people I didn't want to lose, people I loved. I built my foundations up again, stronger than they were before, and regardless of my lack of sleep and pessimistic nature, I then knew how to fight for myself, how to keep my own head above water.
Sure, I had help, but you should never discard the people that fought for you when you couldn't fight for yourself because they are the only reason you still stand tall. Never hate the fact that you needed help, everyone has a weak point, a breaking point, a tipping point, whatever it may be called, and eventually everyone needs help. People tend to forget that even the strongest have failed, even the elite need help sometimes.
Don't let pride get in the way of your health. Be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual – whatever, always be open for help from others.
When I fell down, Julie was there for me, she helped me to my feet and encouraged me to make friends. Even if the only people I met were Emile and Georgia, it was still more than before. However as time goes on you grow, and as Georgia said, it's okay, it's okay if you slowly stop loving someone that was once your world.
People change, and as they do the people around them do too. I used to only have Julie, Georgia and Emile (although we didn't actually talk much), but now I also have Emily and Melanie. If I want, I can have Georgia too, just not the same way I used too, which would be better for the both of us. She grew and changed, and fell for someone else, as did I.
It hurt when she broke up with me, but it didn't last. The pain passed, and when it did, all that was left was a slight aching in my chest and the knowledge that I was finally free. I could chase after Emily all I wanted, without the guilt hanging around in the back of my head.
All that was left on my part was action. I needed to go and find Emily, I had to tell her how I felt, and pray to God that she felt the same way.
✮✮✮
After a night of pointless tears and multiple cups of tea, I felt calm and clear enough to see that Georgia was right to break up with me. It shouldn't have happened any other way, I didn't have the right to break it off when I'd spent the past few weeks dropping her on the sidewalk as I pranced around with another girl. But that was in the past now, because Georgia had moved on too, and in time she would forgive me and we'd be ok.
What I had to do now was go and see the girl I wanted, the girl I'd (deep down) wanted for a while now. There was nothing to hold me back, guilt-free, girlfriend-free, and doubt-free, I loved her and it was about time I let her know.
Slowly, I climbed off the couch, my tragic track pants bunched up around my calves from excessive lounging and ran a hand through my hair. Priorities. Shower, clothes, food, brush teeth, shoes, keys, wallet, I could hardly turn up at Emily's looking like I'd been crying all night – it would send the wrong message.
Taking it slowly at first I made my way to the bathroom, with every intention to wash away the tears and pain of last night. I may have been hurt, but I was fine now and I just needed to clean the dried tears from my cheeks. Taking my time in the shower, I made sure to wash every part of me, from my head to my toes, even using a little of Georgia's left over body wash to ensure I didn't smell like anything other than citrus.
I noticed as I was wrapping a towel around my waist that pretty much all of Georgia's stuff was gone from my bathroom, which meant she had probably thought ahead and taken her stuff before she settled down to wait for me last night. As I walked into my bedroom to change, my suspicions were confirmed, the little drawer which used to keep an assortment of her clothes in it was open and empty, her hairbrush was missing from the dressing table and all the rest of her paraphernalia was gone too. I suppose it was meant to hurt, and it did, but not as much as I would've expected.
It didn't take long to dress and by the time I'd brushed my teeth I'd decided I would rather have breakfast with Julie, in order to keep her up to date on what was going on. Picking up my cellphone I called a cab and organised the rest of my stuff so I was ready to go when it arrived, being too lazy to walk this morning.
The cab arrived a couple minutes later and soon I was walking into the café I knew so well.
"Jason! Where in the world have you been? Georgia was looking for you!" Of course, the first thing Julie does when she sees me is ask where I've been.
I smile, and give her a hug, she's got her apron on which generally means she's in the middle of restocking the pastry case. "Nice to see you too," I joke, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Well, I should hope so! Now what's been happening with that girlfriend of yours? She called me last night asking where you were at as if I'd have any clue!" With her hands on her hips, Julie looked as though she'd raised three teenagers and run a café all on her own, whether or not it was actually what had happened was another case all together.
I rubbed the back of my neck and I could tell how sheepish I looked. "Yeah, about that..." I started to explain.
She rolled her eyes and wiped her hands on her apron, "alrighty then, this seems to be a story I have to sit down for so just give me a mo." Although it wasn't that big of a scenario, I simply had to tell her Georgia and I were over, Julie had spun around and vanished behind the counter so quick I couldn't have stopped her even if I wanted too.
There was a quick "Emile! Where the hell are you?" followed by a "oh, there you are. You need to take over for a bit – and watch those brownies! If they burn, you'll be working the night shift – and I'll make sure it won't be pleasant." All before she reappeared, only this time without the apron.
Julie smirked when she saw me chuckling and clapped me over the head, which was actually quite a hard feat considering the fact that she was so much shorter than me, "don't be rude boy that should be you working tonight."
I laughed again, and tucked my hands in my pocket, "I promise I'll work again soon." It was rather empty, considering the amount of times I'd said that and hadn't actually turned up, but the blame wasn't all on me, if Julie had wanted me to work she would've put my name down on the working schedule by now.
"Yeah, yeah, you keep saying that. Anyway, I'm all ears, take a seat and I'll get some coffee."
Smiling, I do what I'm told and pick a seat close to the counter, being wary of whether or not she might have to run back behind it in case of emergency. Emile may be great with pastries but brownies are really not his forte.
Julie wastes no time and is soon sitting across from me, a pot of hot coffee, a pitcher of milk and two thick mugs perched between us. "So what's the goss?"
"Basically," I start, smiling as I think of what her reaction might be, "Georgia and I are finished."
Contrary to what I believed would happen, Julie snorts. "No surprises there honey, I was actually it lasted as long as it did."
"I'm rather offended."
"Oh, come on Jason! Did you really think you could spend so much time with that brunette girl and expect your girlfriend to be okay with it? I mean I personally tried to keep out of it as it was none of my business but from the moment you brought her in here, I could tell it wasn't going to end well.
You were practically head over heels with her and you'd just met! I knew before anyone else that your feelings ran deeper than you expressed, and it didn't take Georgia long to figure out she wasn't the only one. She's a smart girl." Julie simply gave me a deadpan look, as if I was a complete and utter bonehead, which I found fairly rude.
"That was not the reaction I expected... you clearly had a lot to say about the matter." For once, I didn't.
"Well, Georgia is a nice girl and I'd grown to like her a lot over the years, so it annoyed me to see you treat her that way. However, Emily also seems like a lovely girl too and I'd hate to assume things so I'm rather split." Her hands were in her lap, and although she had poured herself a milky coffee, she had yet to touch it.
"I suppose Georgia didn't tell you she also chose someone else over me..." It wasn't particularly important that Julie knew this, but it seemed as though it might alter Julie's perspective on the situation somewhat. I just didn't want her to hate me, even if I doubted that she actually did – she still didn't seem particularly happy about it.
"Oh, no I didn't know that! This makes it far more interesting..." As soon as she uttered the words, she picked her coffee up and took a sip, which was a telltale sign that her mood was improving. One thing I did love about Julie, was the way she was always open to new information, and was fine with being corrected.
Smiling, I too took a sip of my own drink before carrying on with the story. Over the past few minutes, the pain that Georgia left when she had walked out my door had subsided even more, so much so that I barely felt it. And I knew that soon I wouldn't be hurt by it at all, I suppose the pro of being in love with someone else while you're in a relationship is when you leave your relationship, it doesn't hurt nearly as much or as long as it would've had you still loved them as much as you used too.
When I told Julie about who Georgia had fallen for, she whistled and cracked a grin. "I never would've thought of Georgia as bisexual, I mean – no problems there at all, it's just... she seemed really into dick when I first met her."
The blatant comment had a few of Julie's customers raising an unimpressed eyebrow at her and my laugh didn't seem to help either, but she didn't seem to care and neither did I which was all that really mattered.
"Just cause she's bi, doesn't mean she likes dick any less it only means she also happens to like the v." I retorted, not able to keep the casual grin off of my face.
"Yeah, more than she liked your dick anyway!" Julie snorted, before collapsing into full-blown laughter.
I scowled at her, "yeah, ok that's it, I'm off." Although I was being serious, it was meant in a light hearted manner, both of which she understood.
"Nah, Jason, stay!" She argued, laughing and smiling still.
"You know I love you Julie! But I have something to do, a girl to see, you know the deal." I winked at her, and backed out the door saluting her simply because I knew it made her smile.
With the memory of Julie's lighthearted jokes in mind, I called a cab to Emily's house and did my best to mentally prepare myself for the confession that awaited me when I arrived.
✮✮✮
One taxi, ten dollars, one door and three knocks was all it took to see Emily's face before me. Her olive skin, honey hair, sea green eyes and sparkling smile. I took a sharp inhale of air. It was a muggy day in the city and although the air felt as though I was breathing sweat rather than oxygen, it was a much needed relief for my lungs.
"Hi." She smiled at me, obviously confused as to why I was here without any warning, but I didn't give her the time to question anything.
Without further ado, I did the thing I'd been craving to do ever since I met her at the Shitty Kittens gig. Even if I'd intended to talk to her first, I just couldn't restrain myself, talking could come later.
I finally kissed her.
My hand wound it's way around her neck, while my other twisted around to pull her closer to me at the base of her back. She didn't say anything, she seemed too paralysed with shock, however she didn't push me away which was a good sign. There was a second's pause, where we just stared at each other and reveled in the sexual tension that had built up over the past few weeks. Then suddenly, I just went for it, and dipped my head down just as she instinctively moved her own head up to meet mine. And as our lips touched, it was as if we both breathed a sigh of relief.
Letting go of the past, the tension that has built up over weeks of spending time together. It was then that I realised just how long I'd been waiting to her kiss her. How long I'd been craving the feel of her lips against mine. Her lips were sweet and a little minty, as if she'd been chewing spearmint gum just moment before. It was a shared kiss, we didn't push it, even as her hands found the base of my neck and I wrapped both my arms around her waist, holding tighter than before as I pulled her closer to me. Bodies pressed against bodies as we breathed each other in.
It was the most intense kiss I'd shared with anyone. Just as it was on the verge of escalating, I pulled back a little. The distance between us was minute, but it was still more than either of us wanted, but I had to say my piece. She was on the verge of asking me why I was here, why I had kissed her, I could see it in her eyes as she opened her mouth to begin talking. I had to tell her before she spoke, otherwise we would get stuck in the logistics, so I stared her in the eyes, my breath uneven and my hair messy before I just said it straight.
"I think I'm in love with you"
//a.n//
okay so this actually wasn't as long as i intended it to be but it turned out like this and it seemed like the right place to stop. sorry for the false advertising honey buns.
anyways, i've finally decided that this is finished! as i intend to re-write it almost immediately and add a bunch of new things & new characters. for example i have a completely different ending in mind and i intend to add at least one male character to be friend's with jason because i feel for the fella -- all his peeps are gals. also there'll be more working scenes and a bit more back ground on Jay, G, Julie (one of my personal fave characters), Em bem and a tad on Mel too.
basically a lot of character development.
and plot.
so yeah, hope you guys love it and be excited for the re-make. dedicated to billie for the cute asf ship name for mel and georgia #melia
xx
nay-nizzle