Bucky was back in Brooklyn, sharing a nice, spacious apartment with Steve in an inconspicuous neighborhood. T'Challa offered both of them a place in Wakanda but they both felt it was time for them to come back home. Pepper helped them get settled. She didn't have to, but Bucky realized she needed to do it. Taking care of Tony's family was Pepper's way of coping up with everything.
Bucky was now a free man, sort of. Ross, Fury, and T'Challa sorted the 2016 Vienna bombing and he was proven innocent in that one. But not in the over two dozens atrocities he committed as HYDRA's puppet. He was ready to face all the consequences, scared but ready. Some countries even demanded for his death as payment. But Fury stepped in for him. That surprised Bucky. A lot. So, Fury explained to them HYDRA's brainwashing and of course capitalized on the fact that Bucky might as well be the longest American POW in history to put the odds in their favor. Those arguments plus his participation in the battle against Thanos appeased everyone. Then Fury went as far as to stake his life, that the next time the Winter Soldier step out of bounds from the law, he would take full responsibility. That seemed sealed the deal and satisfied those who were out for Bucky's blood. Bucky couldn't thank Fury enough. He didn't know Fury and Fury technically didn't know him, but there he was risking his ass for him.
"I did it for Rogers," Fury told him when he asked why. "And especially for her. I know it would be something she would ask of me, if she was here."
Her.
He didn't tell them but he actually remembered her.
Whatever Shuri was doing to him back in Wakanda was effective. They first worked on destroying the trigger words implanted in him. And when he was freed from them, they started working on sorting his memories. He remembered a lot, everything, but they were jumbled in his head and Shuri helped him put them in order. But during one of the last sessions they had, two months before Thanos came crashing into Wakanda, Shuri dug deeper than usual that they came across a huge chunk of memory suppressed and embedded way, way down. Gradually, they worked on it, stimulating it, restarting it somehow, until finally, it opened up a bit. And when it did, the first thing he saw was her. Younger, though, as young as Shuri. She had a bleeding cut on her forehead and a knife in hand.
When Shuri asked what the memory was about, all he said was it was about a girl. Good thing Shuri didn't probe further, probably knowing they were still in the early stages and things would be still be blurry. It would be awhile before he could arrange the newly recovered memory into a cohesive context. But alas, they didn't have enough time. Thanos happened, the snap happened, and the next thing Bucky knew was, she was gone.
He had a lot of questions, especially now that more and more of her was coming back. It used to be just a leaky faucet, one drop at a time, but now, it was open and she was flowing freely in his mind, in his dreams. The thing he was having difficulty processing was the way he suddenly felt about her, because along with the old memories of her resurfacing, something old and familiar has stirred inside him too.
He wanted to tell Steve. But a lot happened with Steve too. After Stark's funeral, when they finally found the time to sit down and talk, Steve told him of his plans of going back to Peggy in the other timeline they created. Bucky didn't want him to go, but what could he do, really? How could he stop his best friend from seizing the opportunity of finally experiencing the one thing he ever wanted but was deprived of? It hurt that Steve chose to leave him behind to get a life, but Steve promised he'd come back and Bucky promised that he'd be there. So, he set aside his own issues and no longer worried Steve that time.
Now that Steve's back, old and wrinkly, yes, but still Steve, he wanted to finally tell him. But he didn't know how. He was still piecing a lot about her and he knew how much she meant to Steve that it might pain his best friend more if he learned that she kept something this big from him all this time. He wanted to consult Barton. If there was anyone who else knew a lot about her past, it would be him. But Barton had retreated in his farm and Bucky couldn't blame the guy if he wanted to deal with this tragedy on his own. So Bucky tried being patient and cool about it. Besides, he had his present to deal with. All he knew was he needed to stay out of trouble, but other than that, he didn't know what else to do with his time. Steve and Sam told him to enjoy it, catch up on the hundred and one things he had missed in this century.
"Borrow Steve's list," Sam said one time.
"Oh, yeah, the list," Steve said with a nostalgic smile.
Bucky gave them a confused look.
"It's a list of things, recommendations really, that he should try, watch, eat, or go to after seven decades of beauty sleep, " Sam explained and teased at the same time. "Where is it?"
Steve thought for a while and then, "at the compound."
Sam's heart sank. "So under the rubble."
Bucky watched as both Steve and Sam fell into a sad silence. Then Steve finally spoke, his voice now light and lively, "We could make a new one, Buck, if you want."
Bucky thought for a while. He looked at Steve, then at Sam, not sure what he was getting himself into.
"Come on, man, it'll be fun," Sam exclaimed.
Finally, Bucky smiled and nodded in agreement. Sam immediately looked for a pen and paper and they huddled on the table as Steve and Sam took turns jotting down their recommendations from music to food and movies, and even brands of deodorants and razors. Bucky looked at the two and was happy to see them happy, as if their hearts didn't have a corner blackened with grief.
"What do you think she'd put in my list?" Bucky suddenly asked.
Steve and Sam stopped, their smiles dropped. Bucky's heart sank to see how quickly Steve became sad. Bucky felt bad at what he had done, but he had to start opening up about her, gather some context because lately, he found himself balancing extreme emotions about her, from happy to anger, from bliss to longing. It was eating him up inside and he needed release.
"Sorry, I didn't mean - I'm just wondering," Bucky stammered.
Sam clapped his shoulder and said, "That's okay. That's actually a good idea because I have a suspicion that half of the things on Steve's list probably came from her."
Steve chuckled, "That's true. Plus the other dozen movies she forced me to watch on a 4-hour flight to our drop zone and the food she'd leave in my fridge and rot if I didn't eat it."
Bucky made an internal sigh of relief and smiled when Steve and Sam started thinking of her possible recommendations, started remembering her.
Bucky also started jotting down his memories of her. Some were so vivid that he was able to write paragraphs of it, not wanting to leave out any details, no matter how small. Like the strawberry sundae she was holding or the number of teaspoons of sugar she put in her coffee. He also didn't hold back on the memories of them lying together in bed. Yes. He started remembering those. He felt happy playing those over and over in his head but he couldn't help but feel there were more to those moments than just bliss. Then there were those of them sparring, cut and bruised but he remembered the subtle curls of her lips in satisfaction. He also recorded those vague ones, her running in her catsuit, gun in hand, her slipping in and out of the shadows as she moved closer to something, her squatting as she looked through a binoculars while he adjusted his scope and positioning his fingers at the trigger. Sure, he could draw up some theories about their relationship based on the memories he had but he didn't want to risk that.
Since he couldn't talk to Barton and he was still afraid of how Steve might react, Bucky went to the next person he believed could help him - Fury.
Bucky sat across Fury, coffee and cakes spread in front of them. He couldn't fathom why when he asked to see him, Fury chose to meet at a cafe. It was homey, with some country chic feel to it that was why he couldn't feel but out of place, especially with Fury and his all-black ensemble standing out from a sea of whites and pastels.
"When you said you needed to talk, I thought you're ready to talk about your future," Fury said, sipping his coffee.
"When you said we could talk over coffee, I thought you were referring to the bistro two blocks down," Bucky sassed back.
Fury stopped and gave him a look. Bucky stiffened, worried that he might have miscalculated the amount of sass he was allowed to throw the man's way. But after a few seconds, Fury withdrew his stare and forked through his cake. Bucky was relieved but decided to hold his tongue and let Fury restart the conversation.
"So, Romanoff huh," Fury finally said before biting down on his cake. Bucky nodded. "What about?"
Bucky paused to gather his thoughts. He needed to ask the right questions because only then would Fury give him the right questions.
"Did she know me?"
"I don't know," Fury said almost immediately. Bucky's brows furrowed in confusion. It wouldn't surprise him if Fury was lying but deep inside, Bucky felt Fury was telling the truth, which confused him even more. How could Fury not know? Didn't they flay her for her history, her past, before accepting her in SHIELD? Fury saw the struggle in his head.
"I'm telling you the truth, in case you're wondering," Fury said. "I actually didn't even know that the Winter Soldier was Captain America's best friend. All I knew was before all the shit that went down in DC, you and Romanoff crossed path once, just once -,"
"Odessa," Bucky interrupted. "I shot her to get to my target. I remember that."
Fury nodded then, "What made you think she knew you?"
Bucky weighed if he was going to tell Fury about the memories.
"Nothing, really. Just making sure I have all my memories back in order. I mean, she was from Russia, right? Might crossed paths or something... before you know, before she defected," Bucky lied through his teeth.
Fury looked at him again and this time Bucky was sure the man was deciphering if he was telling the truth. Bucky held his breath. He was an assassin, the art of lying is beyond him.
"Makes sense," Fury finally said and finished his cake. Bucky discreetly released a sigh of relief. "I wouldn't know, Barnes, I swear. But, if you two indeed shared some history, I wouldn't discount the possibility that she purposely withheld that information from me."
"Why would she?"
Fury shrugged his shoulders and said, "But if she did, I wouldn't take offense. People are entitled to have secrets. Besides, her secrets, her past didn't matter to me in the long run."
"Because she always got the job done."
Fury nodded in pride. Bucky sat back in silence and just watched as Fury asked for the bill and pay for their cakes.
"That's actually a nice thought," Fury as he stood up. "You and Romanoff. You two seem to be cut from the same cloth, if you think about it. Good day, Barnes."
Bucky no longer responded. He just watched Fury leave in his black SUV.
He was slowly getting frustrated. He used to not remember anything but now, he was remembering but not understanding it. He was grateful to be regaining more bits of his old self little by little, but he could not totally be happy. Not when the last piece of connection he had with his old life chose to grow old in a different timeline without him. And then there was her. He was missing some context but memories of her somehow gave him a sense of completion, of wholeness. She also re-acquainted him to a range of emotions he seemed to have forgotten, or was forced to ignore all those years ago when he was nothing but a weapon.
It was unmistakable that regaining their shared memories was like getting the remaining jigsaw pieces and all he had to do was connect them all. He needed help to finish the puzzle and it frustrated him that the only person who could help him was gone.
So Bucky had to try again. Barton was his last hope. He asked Wanda to give Barton a letter he wrote for him. It simply stated, 'I need to talk to someone about her. I knew her, didn't I? Please, I need to remember.' It took a few months before he received a response. It wasn't a phonecall or a message. It was a parcel Barton sent through Wanda.
Bucky sat in a park with the parcel in hand. He didn't want to open it in the apartment, not with Steve around. Inside, he found old files, written in Russian. And finally, he got the context he was searching for.
He trained her. They went on missions together. They met secret. He sneaked into her room at night. They were discovered. They were punished and separated. They wiped him, made him forget. They left her with all of their memories as punishment. He was her teacher, her partner, her lover. He was hers.
Bucky wasn't crying as he read through the files. But his heart was silently shattering in a thousand pieces, his soul dimming and shrinking in grief. She lived through all the shit of the world without him by her side and now it was his turn to live his life without her. How could they be so unlucky? So perfect for each other, yet not destined to share a lifetime together.
But they did share a life, a long time ago. It was short, but intense and passionate enough that it might as well be a lifetime. Bucky finally understood Steve. If he could have that same chance, Bucky would go to her. And be hers again.
A tear finally escaped Bucky's eyes and immediately wiped them before the man sitting in a bench across him noticed it. He rifled through the files again and picked up old photographs of her. She never smiled in any of it. Her eyes were hollow and dim, her lips tight and jaws clenched. But Bucky knew, he remembered the fierceness, courage, strength, grace, and warmth she had when they were together, when he held her in his arms. She had this life in her that melted the coldness in him, that rekindled the human in him. She brought him back to life then. And now.
Bucky finally went back to the apartment and Steve was worried to see his tear-stained face.
"Buck, what's wrong?"
Bucky smiled, wide and warm, which confused Steve even more.
"I have something to tell you," Bucky said. "I'm not sure how you'll take it but I want you to know. I think she would want you to know."
They sat down. Steve was quiet but his anxiety was burrowed in the wrinkles of his face. Bucky smiled again, hoping to calm his friend's nerves.
"What is it, Buck?"
Bucky took a deep breath and finally said, "I knew her, Steve. We shared a past and - Natalia was the one good thing in all of it."
To be continued...
A/N: Ta-da! I had fun writing this one probably because I have always been a WinterWidow / BuckyNat shipper and their relationship is so beautiful to explore. It sucks that the MCU decided against it. Sorry, but the whole Bruce-Natasha shtick didn't work for me. So, Steve's next, which I think is going to be harder because Steve and Natasha's friendship in the MCU is my favorite :) Don't want to screw up that one. Thanks for reading!