I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high,
I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all
-FOOLS
-Troye Sivan
•••••
"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
"No Edward! Don't leave her you stupid piece of sh-it," I hiccuped as I yelled at the T.V.
I sniffled as I dug into my tub of Ben & Jerry's. Tissues littered the couch I was sitting on and I was hidden under a thick fluffy blanket, despite it being nearly thirty degrees Celsius outside.
My heart ached as Bella tripped over a branch and brought her knees to her chest, huddling up into a ball.
"I feel you Bella," I mumbled through a mouthful of ice cream.
I wasn't surprised when a new set of tears started streaming down my face as my thoughts left the screen in front of me and wandered to Ry-
No. We shall not mention his name.
To a certain stormy, grey eyed boy who had walked out on me yesterday. I called in and excused myself from school and said that I would provide a doctor's note to explain my absence which was thankfully emailed to me by Dr Philips.
I wasn't ready to face him, not so soon after everything that went down. A part of me had hope he would return by nightfall, but when I woke up this morning his apartment key was left on the countertop.
He wasn't coming back, and the thought sent another sharp stab to my chest. My breathing hitched as I pressed my hand over my aching heart, as if that could stop the pain.
A part of me hated him for leaving me, but that part wasn't strong enough to block out the thought that crossed my mind every second I spent without him.
I missed him.
All this time I would laugh at girls who would cry over guys, and who would describe it as 'the worst thing in the world'.
Until I was that girl.
He was everything to me, and now that he left I had nothing. I didn't understand why I allowed him to break down my walls, why I had hope we could ever make it when there was always that little voice at the back of my head which reminded me each time we crossed a line, this wasn't going to end well.
I was pathetic and I knew it.
I didn't deserve to call myself the strong woman I thought I was. What strong woman cries over a mere crush?
That's the thing, it was more than just a crush. It was healing, it was vibrant and colourful. All the good in the world could only be noticed when he was around, even the faults of everyone around me amounted to nothing when he was by my side.
When he left, he took it all with him.
The good, the bad and the things I loved the most. He took a piece of me I would never get back and no matter what I tried to do, I knew only he could put it back.
There was no doubt I would always have a place for him, no matter how many bad things he did or how many times we fought I would have always taken him back.
I reached for another tissue from my nearly empty tissue box and blew my nose.
I was a mess.
Knock knock.
I groaned and contemplated leaving the person standing there, but then I realized Ryder had given me back his key which meant he had no way to get into the apartment.
My heart swelled with hope as I jumped off the couch and rushed to the door, it was probably bad of me to let myself get carried away by my hopeful thoughts thinking it would be him.
I unlocked the door and swung it open, only to find a grinning Violet standing on the other side of it.
My face fell as I realized who it was and I slammed the door shut.
"Hey! Riley open up," Violet yelled on the other side of the door.
I rolled my eyes and turned away from the front door, ready to go back to wallowing in my own filth.
"Go away!" I yelled back, my throat hurting as I screamed.
Okay, maybe I was being a bit of a horrible friend but in my defence I knew Violet was coming over to try and cheer me up. I didn't want to be happy, right now. All I wanted was to cry over Ryder-
Dammit I said his name!
All I wanted was to cry over him and then maybe she can come over to cheer me up, but not now.
"Riley, I know you're hurting. Just let me in," Violet pleaded.
I bit the inside of my cheek as I weighed the pros and cons of the situation.
"I came over to be your shoulder to cry on, you're not alone," Violet said softly, I hardly heard her through the door.
At those words I felt my heart crack and I wrenched open the door, my eyes filled to the brim with a fresh set of tears.
"Oh Riley," Violet said sympathetically, pulling me into a hug.
I hugged her back and allowed my heart to break into a million new pieces. She smelled comforting, like pressed linen. I didn't understand why, but that thought made me cry harder than before. The tears ran freely down my face and I released a strangled sob as I tried to speak.
"He's g-gone Vi," I sobbed weakly, clutching onto her shirt.
Violet didn't say anything and stroked my hair comfortingly as I emptied my eyes.
When my tears had seized and I was left a sniffling mess, I pulled back and rubbed my sore eyes. Violet smiled at me softly.
I turned away from her and dropped back down onto the couch, wrapping myself up in the thick blanket.
Violet wrinkled her nose as her eyes fell on the movie we were watching but she didn't say anything and dropped her bag next to her when she sat down next to me.
She looked around at the tissues littering the couch and the ones which had fallen on the floor when I got up to answer the door.
"Did he tell you what happened?" I croaked, turning to face Violet.
"Cameron did, Ryder didn't pitch up to school today. He's probably doing the same thing as you," Violet added hopefully trying to make the situation better.
I shook my head furiously and let out a heartless chuckle, "No, he's probably having the time of his life."
Violet shook her head sadly at me, and put a piece of raven black hair behind her ear.
"He's hurting just as much as you Riley, I know that for a fact," she said softly, laying a hand on my shoulder.
I bit my chapped lip as I tried to blink the tears away when I met her warm chocolate eyes.
"Gosh, I'm so pathetic," I said bitterly, running my hands tiredly over my face.
Violet turned her body so that she was now fully facing me. She wore a stern expression and resembled a mother wanting to scold their child for wanting desert before dinner.
"Now you listen to me," she begun, her voice taking on a more adult like tone. "You are not pathetic. No one is ever pathetic for crying over someone they loved-"
"I never loved Ryder," I cut in coldly, my head spinning at just the thought. I couldn't have loved him, there wasn't enough time to have fallen in love with him. I wouldn't have allowed myself to.
Then why did my heart disagree with my statement? Why did it hurt so much if I truly believed what I was saying?
Violet raised her eyebrow at me in a disbelieving way.
"Riley, you just went through a break up with a guy you truly liked," she corrected, "it's okay to cry over him. It's okay to let your guard down and allow yourself to feel all these things you're feeling. I know it hurts, and it's going to hurt for a very long time but that's okay."
She reached over and wrapped her arms around me as I started to cry again. It was like her words had opened up a floodgate that wasn't closing anytime soon. I hiccuped and let out another sob that had lodged itself in my throat.
"You're not weak Riley, and you're not going to get over him in a day. Just breathe, because time will help you. I promise," Violet said soothingly, holding onto my shaking body.
I continued to sob out incomprehensible words, until my babbling turned into an actual sentence.
"It h-hurts so m-much Vi," I hiccuped, allowing myself to do just as Violet said.
I allowed the knife to stab my heart and instead of clutching my chest to hold myself together, I let myself fall apart in my best friend's hands because in doing so I felt my heart slowly start to breathe again.
"I know Riley, and I wish I could make it stop." Violet said softly.
Each tear the slid down my cheek was a broken piece of my heart leaving my body, but I knew I would be fixed. I would fix myself, but first I'd let myself breathe.
That was an accomplishment all on its own.
My tears slowly started thinning out, until my cheeks were left damp and my eyes sore from the emotions that poured out of them in the form of salt water.
I pulled away from Violet and ran my hands through my tangled hair.
"Thank you Violet," I gave Violet a weak smile, but I'm pretty sure it looked more like a grimace.
Violet smiled comfortingly back at me, "Anytime."
My eyes fell to the wet patch on the sleeve of her Bea Miller shirt. It turned to the peach colour slightly darker and I was grateful I hadn't even attempted at putting mascara on after my bath that morning.
Violet turned her body around to grab the bag she had brought with her when she entered my apartment.
She smiled sheepishly up at me, "I kind of had Cameron take me home after school and drive me back here so I could be with you."
My heart warmed at her effort to try and make me feel better.
"Thank you Violet. You think Cameron would mind giving me a ride to school tomorrow?" I asked.
"Of course not!" she said happily.
"So, what's in there?" I asked, crossing my legs underneath the blanket and nodding to Violet's bag, curious about its contents.
She smirked at me, her big brown eyes emphasised by her dark eyeliner were filled with humour even though she didn't say anything yet.
"This my dear Riley," Violet patted the lilac bag, "is something I'd like to call 'The Bag For the Drab'."
I shook my head at Violet and rolled my eyes, "Is that supposed to make me feel better about my current state?"
Violet scowled at the sarcasm dripping from my words.
"Don't sound so excited," she repeated in the same sarcastic tone.
I laughed at her and gestured for her to continue explaining about The Bag For the Drab.
"This here contains all things every person needs after a break up," she continued while unzipping her bag.
She pulled out several movies and placed them on the empty space between us on the couch. I picked up the movies and read their titles aloud.
"How to get over a break up," I read the first title and glanced up at Violet who shrugged and urged me to continue reading. "How to be single," I read the second title and rolled my eyes.
"Aquaman?" I questioned looking up at Violet.
Violet grinned, "Jason Momoa is my weakness."
I smiled and read over the rest of the titles in my head. Titanic, The Wedding Planner, Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You and Illegally Blonde. They were all the definition of my childhood.
"Chocolate," Violet continued listing off all the things her bag contained while pulling out several bars of candy.
"Tissues, because I doubt we'll make it through Titanic without them," Violet mumbled as she pulled out a box of tissues.
"And last but not least," Violet paused, adding to the suspense. She pulled out a pink box with a ribbon wrapped around it. She placed it on my lap so that I could open it.
I glanced wearily between her and the box. I sighed and untied the ribbon. I put it to the side and lifted the lid.
"Oh no," I groaned as I stared at the contents of the box.
"Oh yes," Violet clapped as she grabbed the box from me and pulled out the matching fluffy sweaters which had a picture of two ducks hugging. A caption was sewn in under the ducks, which read Best Friends through fluff and feathers.
"Why would you even buy these?" I asked, staring at the fluffy yellow material.
"We can't have a movie marathon without any matching clothes!" Violet exclaimed, already putting on her sweater.
I shook my head and tried to protest as she told me to put mine on.
"But, it's so hot," I whined.
Violet gave me a bemused look her eyes flickering to my sky blue long sleeve shirt and the thick blanket wrapped around me.
I grumbled underneath my breath as I tugged the sweater over my head, knowing I probably looked ridiculous.
Violet grinned at me as she got up to play the first movie in her pile, Clueless.
"Let's get this party started," she sand excitedly, dancing over to the television screen.
"Kill me now," I muttered under my breath.
This was going to be a long day...well what was left of it anyways.
•••••
Violet Mason:
We're here.
I typed out a quick reply and rushed out of my apartment, locking the door behind me. Our movie marathon yesterday proved to be extremely therapeutic. I was grateful I had a friend like Violet who always knew just what to say and do to cheer me up.
I even felt slightly better about Ryder and my break up. It still hurt when I thought of him, but I was confident I wasn't going to break down in school.
I hope.
I smiled as I opened the door to Cameron's Ford and settled into the back seat, placing my bag next to me.
"Hey guys, thanks for the ride," I said.
"Don't sweat it," Cameron said, his pale hands clenched around the steering wheel and the tattoo of the purple violet visible on his index finger. "How are you feeling Riley?" he asked, surprising me.
I stared confusedly at Cameron, catching his eye in the rear view mirror. Was he talking about how I was feeling about the break up? Or how I was actually feeling in general?
There you go again Riley, overthinking things as usual.
"Uh, your shoulder. How's your shoulder?" Cameron added in quickly, once he noticed my reluctance to talk about my feelings.
"It's good, healing pretty well actually," I said, "thanks for asking."
Cameron smiled softly at me but didn't make another move to make conversation. A comfortable silence settled in the car and no one felt the need to break it. A knot formed in my stomach as I realized I was going to have to sit next to Ryder, and I couldn't avoid it.
I wondered how he was going to act. Was he going to ignore me? Try and make simple conversation? Maybe he'll swap places with someone else for the day.
My heart saddened at the thought of him wanting to avoid me. I didn't think I could take any more rejection from him.
I fiddled with the end of my army green hoodie and chewed on my lip as I played over different scenarios in my head. Each one ending with me crying.
I looked up as the car came to a stop next to a blue skyline, and I felt a sharp tug in my chest. I pretended like I wasn't affected by the different memories that came flooding back and got out of Cameron's car, keeping my eyes trained on the tarmac.
Stop being so dramatic Riley!
I thanked Cameron and Violet and walked up the steps to the entrance of North Grey High. I walked over to my rusty locker and punched in the combination. I grabbed my books for my first two lessons of the day and I couldn't help but let my eyes sweep over the hallway, looking for a pair of familiar stormy grey eyes.
It was a bad habit to break.
I saw everyone else but him and a part of me was relieved while the other itched to see him more than anything.
I needed to stop.
This was dangerous, it was unhealthy. I didn't stop myself from falling for him and now it was like I craved him more than I needed oxygen. It was my mistake, and I should have listened to that little voice in me head but I didn't. Now I had to face the consequences like an adult.
But I still feel like a small child.
I slammed my locker shut just as the bell rung for the start of the first period. I made my way to my first class and took my seat next to Violet who was already sitting. Noah and Kyle walked in just after I sat down.
They both made their way over to us. Noah grinned sheepishly at me and concern shone in Kyle's eyes.
I smiled softly at the both of them and stood up to hug them. Both of them hugged me at the same time, Kyle was careful not to hurt my injured shoulder.
"Hey Riles, how's your shoulder?" Noah asked, his blonde hair falling into his eyes. He smiled widely at me, his dimples on display adding to his adorable personality.
I see everyone was smartly avoiding asking about mine and Ryder's break up.
"It's better," I said honestly, returning his smile.
Noah seemed satisfied with my answer and took his seat, Kyle following him. He scanned my face with curious eyes trying to determine something from my reaction.
Noah turned to face the front of the class while Kyle stayed turned in his seat so that he was facing Violet and I.
"Are you okay, Riley?" Kyle asked slowly, his eyes trained on mine.
I opened my mouth but closed it again, not sure whether to lie or tell the truth. Kyle seemed really worried about me, and I felt a warm feeling spread in my chest knowing at least people still cared about my well being despite me dragging them into a battle.
"No I'm not okay," I shook my head and watched as Kyle's lips thinned into a straight line.
"But I will be," I added in, watching how Kyle gave me a disbelieving look but turned around.
I looked to Violet for help but she shrugged in response, also finding Kyle's behaviour weird. I sighed as I received my chemistry paper, Dylan was not going to be happy with a fifty six percent.
It was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over me.
Dylan was no longer my guardian, he shouldn't care about my marks now. I wandered if he was still working at Inked.
I was broken out of my train of thought by the sound of the bell. I hugged Violet and Noah goodbye and when I moved in to hug Kyle, he whispered something in my ear.
"I'm sorry, for everything."
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion but had no time to ask him what he was talking about because the next class was already filing in and taking their seats.
I rushed to my history class and took my seat next to Cameron, who was drawing patterns in his notebook.
I gave him a small smile and grinned as the history substitute walked in. She grinned as she handed out our exam papers, watching each student's reaction with a pleased expression.
I guess we did pretty good for a teacher to be smiling while handing out exam papers.
"Well done Miss Carter," she said proudly, placing my paper face up on my desk.
My mark brought a smile to my face as I saw the numbers written in red ink.
90%
Cameron smiled at me and jotted down his mark into his notepad.
My mind flashed back to Kyle's odd behaviour and I put it off to him being sympathetic about Brandon and my break up with Ryder.
I glanced at Cameron from the corner of my eye. His black hair was gelled back instead of it being an unruly mess on his head like usual.
Maybe he'd know why Kyle was acting so weird.
"Cameron," I started watching as he lifted his head curiously, "did you notice anything strange about Kyle this morning?"
A knowing look flashed in his eyes and he bit his lip, no doubt contemplating how to lie to me.
"It's not really my place to say Riley," Cameron said apologetically.
I sighed and turned away from him, staring at my desk blankly, feeling a turmoil stir up inside me. So many secrets, so many feelings and unexplained words.
Why do we complicate things so much?
"Well," Cameron said reluctantly, "Kyle kind of feels responsible for yours and Ryder's break up."
I turned to Cameron in confusion. So basically, what he is saying, is that everyone feels responsible for my relationship ending?
Kyle, Ryder (well it kind of is his doing) who next, Noah?
"Why?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
Cameron shrugged, "You'll have to ask him."
I sighed and remained silent for the rest of the lesson, staring at my desk going over possible explanations for Kyle's need to feel responsible.
I was grateful when the bell sounded, I left the class and made my way to my locker. A knot twisted in my stomach as I realized I would have to face Ryder for the first time since our break up.
I could practically feel the tension even before it came.
I slammed my locker shut and jumped back in surprise when hiding behind it, Kyle stared at me with a guilty face.
"Gosh Kyle don't do that!" I exclaimed, holding my hand over my heart.
Kyle's lips twitched but he didn't say anything.
"So..." I trailed off awkwardly trying to find the words to ask Kyle why he felt he was responsible for my relationship ending.
"Riley, I was so busy trying to look out for Ryder I guess I forgot to look out for you. I always thought you'd be the one to break up with him, if it came down to it," Kyle added in quickly, "I just didn't think he'd end it. I wish I could have done something to help."
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. It was sweet of Kyle to try and take the blame, but I was so tired of other people taking the weight of problems they never caused.
"Kyle, you literally had nothing to do with Ryder's reason to end our relationship. It's no one's fault, not even his despite him thinking it," I said truthfully, resting my hand on his shoulder.
Kyle sighed and leaned against the locker next to mine, "Thanks Riley."
I nodded in acknowledgment and we started a slow walk to the cafeteria, both of us not wanting to face the tension of that lunch period.
Kyle kept his head tilted down as he dragged his vans on the linoleum floor. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his dark washed jeans and the top two buttons of his checkered shirt was left undone, exposing a bit of his tan skin.
"When did you get highlights?" I asked, only now noticing the golden brown streaks running through his wavy brown hair.
Kyle smiled, "You know you're the first person who noticed it. I got them done last month."
I covered my mouth and tried to hold in my laugh, gosh we really were terrible friends. I apologised to Kyle for not paying attention but he shrugged it off, and used the excuse we had better things to worry about than his hair.
We continued our slow walk in silence, turning into the hallway where the cafeteria doors stood at the end.
"Do you hate him, Ryder, for hurting you?" Kyle asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had descended upon us.
I bit my lip and fiddled with the ends of my brown hair, finding the split ends and then twisting it around my finger.
"No, I could never hate him." I answered, glancing at Kyle to see him smiling down at his shoes.
"He just needs time Riley, don't give up on him. He'll come around, eventually," Kyle added in with a small chuckle at the end.
I nodded absently, but that sentence filled me up with hope even though I knew it was a bit far fetched to wish we could still be together after this.
We entered the cafeteria and his eyes were the first ones I made contact with. I froze as they swept over my face, no doubt seeing through the happy facade I had kept up for half of the day. He always noticed everything.
My heart clenched painfully as he quickly looked away, as if he never noticed I was there in the first place. I see we were back to ignoring each other then.
Kyle and I made our way to the table, taking our usual seats. The conversation started up as soon as we sat down, and every now and again someone would glance warily between Ryder and I. He stared at his empty tray while I nibbled on my energy bar, suddenly not having the appetite for my chicken sandwich.
I glanced up as I felt his eyes on me. He quickly looked away and pretended like he never looked up, I tried to blink away the tears that had threatened to spill as I realized he was treating me like his enemy.
I wanted to call him out on it, but not in front of everyone. Not like this.
We both remained silent for most of the break, until I excused myself from the table. I couldn't take the silence anymore, I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him and yell at him for being an idiot and leaving him, but most importantly I wanted him to treat me as if he could see me and I wasn't some ghost.
I left because I was scared if I stayed any longer, I might just stab him with a fork. As I walked out of the cafeteria, I felt his grey gaze following me. With my hand on the door handle, I turned around to confirm my suspicion and caught his eye, this time he didn't turn away.
I carried on walking until I had reached the girl's bathroom. Once I was inside, I stood in front of the glass mirror and allowed the tears to fall freely down my face.
It truly fucking hurt to see the guy you would give the world for look at you as if you're not even there. I thought I had cried so much I didn't have any tears left, but they would always be there because of him.
I suddenly felt as if the bathroom was too small, as if the walls were closing in on me. I yanked my hoodie off and was left in a tank top, I leaned over the sink and splashed my face with water feeling my throat constrict to keep the sob back. The cool water dripped down my face as I kept my eyes closed, savouring the tranquility that washed over me.
I stared at my puffy red eyes in the mirror and shook my head in disappointment.
"What have I become?" I asked my reflection, I didn't expect an answer.
Relax Riley, all you need is time.
I nodded and dried my face, feeling calm once again. I threw on my hoodie and exited the bathroom just in time for the bell. I made my way to Miss Wilkins's class, only to find Ryder already seated.
I made my way over to him, feeling my heart beat rapidly against my chest. As I sat down I glanced at his tired eyes, refusing to meet mine. I couldn't ignore the bruise like bags underneath his eyes either.
I turned away from him once I realized he wasn't going to try and speak to me.
I truly believe in the saying, time healed. It did, because with time memories faded. If there weren't any memories of the person you lost, how could you remember them? Their touch, their scent or how their skin felt against your fingertips.
Time did heal, because it made you forget and I didn't want anything more in that second.
•••••
Before anyone tries to insult Riley and call her an overly sensitive person, keep in mind different people cope with break ups differently.
To all the people who are hurting, in any way, there will always be someone there for you.
And if there truly is no one, then just know you have me. I know a lot of people say this, but we say it for a reason.
Please, take care of yourself : )
-Grayx