You didn't get a chance to react, you didn't even get a moment to look up and read Dazai's face, because the moment the words rolled off of Kunikida's tongue, you felt a shock run deep in your core. Your heart skipped a beat, your breath hitched, your body temperature going from cold to hot and vice versa, in seconds. Your headache couldn't take your head spinning, and you let go of Dazai, doubling over in a violent cough. You weren't sure if it was the shock that brought on the sudden change in temperature or if it was your sickness pulling through at the worst moments, but whatever it was you found yourself in your knees, trying to suppress the coughing, trying to take back your breathing.
Dazai crouches down next to you out of concern, placing a hand to keep you from falling over, his hand flinching as he feels your temperature.
"You're freezing..." He states, then looks up towards Yosano and Atsushi. "What happened to her? Why is she like this?"
Yosano pushes past Dazai and feels you herself, ignoring you coughing and shaking as she talks to herself, like she was figuring out a step by step puzzle.
"You said you've over exerted yourself, but you didn't use your ability for a long period of time when we caught you and you already looked sick. To even consider helping I need to know what has happened." Yosano tells you confidently, ignoring Kunikida's warning of the offer to help. Atsushi's eyes widen as it all clicks in his head.
"Annabel Lee. She said she needed control...Dazai, she can't stop the affects on herself." He says a bit panicked, and Yosano sighs in frustration. Dazai's eyes are shadowed by his dark hair overtop, his body still. It was like a dark memory had resurfaced, and it wasn't one to share. You feel his slender hand take yours and squeeze it, and at the mere touch you feel yourself breaking down.
I said I hate him, I said I was leaving. I harmed one of their members. There can't be any way what Kunikida had said is true. Not anymore. But then...why does he insist? Why is Dazai so forgiving and quick to help me? Is it all pity? Does any of this matter? Will they leave me alone?
"I've been training myself at the Port Mafia for a while....to use my ability to the greatest extent...I thought it was under control...I thought I had trained my body to withstand the cold I'm overcome with..." You finally speak up, with every breath taken trying to explain your situation. You feel your heart squeezing as you remember each and every training session, especially after you joined the Black Lizard.
I thought I found my place. I thought I was satisfied. I got too greedy, too desperate to impress. Now I'll die alone...
"I was wrong. She wasn't meant for killing. I abused it..." you feel yourself start to cry, an absolute sadness falling on you like it had been repressed for too long. You never truly had gained anything from accepting Mori's forced invite into the mafia. The environment had turned toxic for you, and you always knew it, yet still you insisted.
How could I have been so stupid?
"You aren't going to die." Dazai suddenly says as if he could read your thoughts, his words low, reassuring, a softness meant for just you to hear.
You look at him, and your [e/c] eyes glimmering with tears of emotional and physical pain meet his light brown eyes, and reflecting in them an uncertainty you couldn't hear. He reaches up and wipes away your tears, his hand straying and pulling back your damp hair from the rain outside. That's when Yosano snapped her fingers and her face lit up in triumph.
"Hypothermia. Your body has an unnatural withstanding of the cold, but it's been dealing with it for too long...you're body wants to shut down. What you've done to yourself...it's not normal. You've passed out recently right? They tried to warm you up but you're getting secondary symptoms....and now by using your ability more, you're in a sense, killing yourself." Yosano explains, standing up straight and speaking for the whole agency to hear, her seriousness not going above her constant elegance as she concludes on what's happening.
"Did nobody warn you?" She asks, now talking directly to you.
You stand up, using Dazai as support, ignoring all the disapproving looks from the majority, but noticing the levels of pity. A pang of sorrow hits you, the countless voices of the Port Mafia pushing you to be better, to be stronger, that any form of weakness was just an invite for death. Any flaw was undesirable, and only killing could give you comfort to heal it.
Pity is all I deserve. I should have known better.
"Does no one take care of each other at the Port Mafia?" Yosano scoffs when you don't answer, and your mind automatically goes to Chūya.
He cares.
"Some do."
You can't bring yourself to say his name, to defend the one that has paid attention the whole time. You can't admit that to anyone, because you weren't sure you could go back. You didn't want to say his name out of fear it would come out with an emotion too strong to think of lightly. You didn't want to remember that he was your reason why you always went back to your hell, whether he knew it or not.
"But if none of you are going to help me either, I'm leaving." You say, your voice weak, bitter, all the staring and indecisiveness enough to discourage you. You push Dazai off, no one knowing what to say.
"Back to the Mafia? Again?" Atsushi asks as you stumble to the door, your hand on the handle, your shoulder wound starting to bleed again the more effort you put into every moment, your fever keeping you on the brink of passing out again.
You let the question ring in your ears, and you breath in, looking at each member in the room before answering.
Don't blame me, Chūya...
"No. I can't..." you admit.
And for the first time, you made a decision you wouldn't regret.
-❦-
You stand outside the agency doors, your coat wrapped around you tightly as you try to keep in the little warmth you have left, body still shaking, head still spinning. The rain hadn't stopped, and the wind howled outside. You weren't sure where to go, but you didn't look back when you stepped out the door and started walking in the opposite direction. Your only hesitation was when you replayed Dazai's expressions, voice, and Kunikida's words on how Dazai felt about you. Although he neither confirmed or denied it, a small part of you hoped that was true, and hoped Dazai would find you as he always did.
"[l/n]!"
You hear your name being yelled through all the wind and rain, and to your surprise it was a girl's voice calling, and not one you could recognize. You stop and turn to see the small outline of the girl you'd only seen once or twice around in the agency office, her red traditional Japanese outfit bright against the dark colours of the day, her long black hair tied with flowers into two ponytails neatly. You can tell she's younger than you are, and you search your brain for the memory of her name as she walked towards you, fighting the rain that was only getting stronger.
"Kyouka" you say when she's close enough to hear you as the name finally comes to you. She was the girl Atsushi saved from the Port Mafia.
"What are you doing? You'll get cold" you ask her, your tone soft.
"I'm telling you to come back. They will help you. They helped me. You aren't the first Port Mafia member to go to them for help." Kyouka answers, her blue eyes sharp, her words straight to the point. The way she speaks so surely and calmly, you admire it coming from her.
"They don't want to help me. And it's ok." You say simply but with clear sadness, though you thought you didn't have a right to be sad. Not when you'd been so cruel.
"You'll die soon if they don't. Either from your sickness or when the Port Mafia finds you and realize you've betrayed their loyalty." Kyouka answers, and a chill goes down your spine as you think about the real consequences of your decisions. Still, you had decided it better than the pain you'd have to keep enduring if you stayed.
The wind suddenly picked up, your hair was pushed back, and amongst all the natural chaos, you felt a new tranquility you hadn't felt before. You were attacked that night so many months ago, and it changed your life for better or worse. You feared the vulnerability with Dazai, and you yearned for the strength from Chūya. You were forced into the mafia, and you spent months thinking you'd found satisfaction in the dark. Yet still you suffered, Akutagawa made sure you did. Even on the nights you forced yourself to numb yourself to the world and your truths, you found yourself questioning every situation. You repressed all your desires, your fears, your limits. You forgot your limits, and you let everyone push you past them and endanger you. Now you came back to the agency for help, and nobody wanted to offer it. However, amongst all that, in this moment, you found peace.
I can make my own decisions. I don't need to wait for others to give me validation. That is what got me here, and it's not how I want to stay.
Even if the people I want to hold me can't care the way I need them to.
You smile to Kyouka, genuine sympathy interlaced between your shared gaze.
"It's ok, Kyouka. I'll die knowing I tried to take myself back from the chains I created."
Kyouka frowns, and before you can back away, she takes hold of your soaking coat sleeve, both of you withstanding the weather for the sake of this conversation.
"Please come back. They showed me what hope was, they showed me what a family is again. They only want to protect their own, but if you come back...I can convince them! You...you think you have something to prove...I can understand that..!"
The rain falling down both of your faces formed tear-like drops, a sadness shared between you. You couldn't ignore the pleading in her sparkling blue eyes full of a light she was still trying to grasp.
"Please come back"
This time, a different voice repeats those words, and you don't know how long he's been there, but you immediately recognize Dazai. Kyouka lets go of you and turns to look at the tall brunette man in surprise. Dazai hands her an umbrella, and for you, he gives you his trench coat, his own body unprotected, but he doesn't seemed bothered by it at all.
Dazai looks at you with an affection in his sweet brown eyes that seemed unnatural on his face, like he'd never expressed such a feeling. You know he sees you, all of you, and he doesn't care about what you've done, what choices you've made. You realize he never gave up on you, not since the first day you'd met him. He always believed you'd come back to the light.
And that's when you also realized he never meant to play games with you.
"I won't leave you alone to die. You need to heal, [f/n]."