"Ayla killed him!"
He stared at the mirror. The horror and fear playing in his own eyes. What if he touched Ayla? What he went beyond that?
The glass canister of soap fell from his hand and shattered in the sink. No. He shoved his hands in his hair.
"Asfi?"
There was a light knock on the bathroom door. She must have heard the clatter of the broken canister.
"Rabi, I'm fine. Be there in a sec."
How he put those words in a sentence, he didn't know. But the inside of him was like a tornado. Everything within him swirling and entangling.
He splashed cold water on his face, washing the dried blood from his lip. Gosh, it was bruised and cut. Rabail was going to freak out.
He opened the door and there she was sitting against the bedpost in his shirt and her ice cream pajama pants. Hair tied in a big mass of black and the huge glasses set on the bridge of her nose as she typed away on her phone.
"I thought you fell asleep in the bath-" She shrieked as she looked up and then walked to him. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LIP?" She held his face gently her hands and examined it. "Asfi?"
"Ahh, nothing." He placed his arms on her shoulders and sat her down on the edge of the bed. "Little bit altercation with Kabir. It's all fine now."
"No, you sit here."
She pushed him down to sit and went to get some ointment for him from Ayla. He shook his head and fell back on the bed, staring at the glitter specks on the ceiling. Thinking about Ayla took him back to the cemetery. What happened? Why did she kill him? He deserved to die and that to the most brutal way, but why were Ayla's hands stained with his blood. His little sister couldn't retaliate again her brothers even in joke and here she was with a murder on her hand.
"Asfi, sit up. You're not a baby." He didn't even realize when he closed his eyes and when she was back.
"Just do whatever you have to. I'm fine here."
"Some times you act like you're three years old not thirty-something."
"What do you mean thirty-something. I'm exactly thirty years and eleven months old. Don't make me sound like I'm some mammoth." He blinked open his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows at her.
"Awww... did I hit a wrong nerve." Tucking her legs under her, she sat next to him. "And if you were a mammoth, Mr. Khan, you would've been extinct by now." She cleaned the cut with antiseptic wipes and then gently put the ointment on it. "You've already put a ring on me, now you can safely stop coloring your grey hair."
"I can still impress three more, can't I, Mrs. Khan?" He held in his laughter as her nose turned red aling with her ears.
"Well, of course, you can, but you're gonna have to be alive for that don't you?" She scrunched her nose and then pressed his bruised jaw harder as she put the ointment and he flinched.
"Ow, I was just kidding. You're one violent woman." He rubbed his jaw. "You alone is equal to 400 let alone 4." He pulled her hand and she fell on him. Her body splayed across his torso. "I'm so in love with you, Mrs. Khan that it's hard for to me imagine anymore what my world was like before you came into it. I don't think I can even think about what it'd be like without you in it."
"And I hold so much love for you that often I don't think my own heart can encompass all of it." She put her head against his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heart that held her world. He wounded his arm around her waist and they lay there in each other's ardor and love.
"Zach called me." She murmured as she drew circles on his collar bone down to his sternum with her feathery touch. "Dr. Affan Rehman wants to meet me. Today" She took a long breath, trying to feel the truth of her own words.
"Hmm." He put his right arm under his head while the left arm around her, holding her close. His eyes were closed and he wanted the time to stand still. Let him breathe in her arms for eternity. Just them two together away from the chaos of their past. "What're you feeling?"
Tracing the ink at the base of his neck, she found a sketch of wings that she got fascinated with. He'd told her once that the wings of an angel meant guidance for him and then protection at a point. She traced the outline of it.
"I don't know. It's all so confusing. Fear being in the lead of all these threads of emotions. What if he rejects me as Mom did. I lived with her for years and she couldn't accept me. What are the chances of him accepting me as his daughter."
"A lot." His lips curved up in a slight smile. "Your mother doesn't define your father's action just like she doesn't define who you are. Go see him. Tell him proudly that you're his daughter. Don't be ashamed of your existence. No one and I really mean no one can tell you that your birth was a mistake. Not your mother and Not your father and especially not this hypocrite world around you."
"And if he still doesn't accept me?"
"Well, then that's on him. His loss that he won't be able to get the chance to know a wonderful woman whose heart is holding an entire world's worth of love. You can give him everything about you, but you can't force him to accept it and that's okay. That's his loss if he chooses to do so." He ran his arm up and down her spine, rubbing her back and calming her anxiety. "Before for you these choices were hard to make, but now you have a home. You have a family." He further teased her. "And You have a handsome and hot husband."
"Astaghfirullah. What a lie. I wonder if you lied about all else too with that last delusion." She swatted him on his arm.
"I'm just telling you like how it is." He smirked, opening his eyes and winking at her. She rolled her eyes. "so you don't believe me?" She shook her head, biting the corner of her lip in amusement.
He cloaked his other arm around her waist and rolled over in a second.
"ASFI!"
She shrieked, laughing in his arms as he pinned her against the soft mattress and stared into her sparkling eyes. She looked utterly breathtaking. Time standing still in his arms as her staggering brown eyes stirred a plethora of emotions within him. Her bare face brought those few freckles on the show that accentuated the beauty of her face.
Leaning down he captured her pale lips as her laugh died with that touch. Her affection dripping from the tips of her fingers as she locked them behind his neck. She was truly home. Encircled in the warmth of his arms, as he lips softly caressed her. The familiarity of his skin against hers. She knew this was her world and she didn't need someone else to tell her where she belonged.
Putting his forehead against hers, breaking away from the sweetness of her lips, he whispered against them.
"I wouldn't have been ever able to come here and face the darkness of my past if it wasn't for you. I knew I had you. I had a home to return to. Even now no matter what happens here, I know I have you here with me and my solace in your arms. No person or emotion or type of love can account for a parent's love and affection, but we have enough love for each other to heal and recover from that loss. Our world together will be our home and love and that's all we need."
The tears escaped from the corner of her eyes. He was right. Maybe or maybe not she'll find her father's love, but no matter what happened he was there to catch her when the world came to push her to the ground.
"I love you to Jupiter and back."
She repeated what had become their signature saying for each other.
"I love you so much that I can't put in words and measures." He wiped away the escaped tears with his thumb and held her face gently in his hands, kissing her forehead. "So you accept now that your husband is hot."
"I never said that." She tried to push him away and tried to escape, but he pulled her back, caging her in his arms.
"Well then you tell Zach, that your very much hot husband put you on house arrest. " He grazed her collarbone with his warm lips, sucking lightly on her delicate skin. Stinging her burning hot nerves. Her head spinning with each feathery touch.
She was to complain one more time, but he sealed her lips with his own, swallowing her words and letting her breathe his love and prayers and that she was the answer to his each and every prayer.
/////
She walked to Zach's car as he came to pick her up. Asfandyar needed his space to talk to his sister and she understood. She knew he needed to spend the day with his sister so she called Zach and asked him to take her to her meeting.
"Why didn't you come in?" Her body shivered as the cold wind nipped at her bare face. She sat in the car, closing the door behind her in a hurry.
"Don't talk to me. Not in a mood." He pulled out of the parking and got on the small road.
"ZACH!"
"Talk to the hand." He literally put his palm up in her face.
"You need to talk to Ayla."
"You need to mind your own business." He threw her a glance and gave her a cheeky smile that annoyed her more.
"Have you met her since you have been back?" He was driving like she wasn't even there. He didn't even bother to nod or shake his "You're rude." She huffed and crossed her arms.
"You're annoying"
She was fuming. Part of her just wanted to take her bag and beat the shît out of him right there and then. But she knew he needed his time, but that didn't mean she was going to stop pestering him.
"So how was it being home?" She put her legs up on the seat and made herself comfortable.
"Ugh. You're not going to leave me alone right?" He rubbed his forehead.
"Nope." She stole a piece of gum from his cupholder before he could swat her hand away.
"It was weird." He sighed. "Like everyone around me moved on and I'm standing still in our past. Of course, they have visited me over time, but coming to see them at home woke everything up. I think it was just seeing how fast life has gone past me and I'm still wandering around the ruins of past." The car came to halt in front of red light and he turned her away. "Anyways, forget about me. You tell me." He wiggled his eyebrows, the daunting sorrow of past vanishing in a second from his eyes. "Spill the gossip. How was your arrival at your sasural?"
"Not as dramatic as you wanted it to be." She rolled her eyes. "I still haven't met Kabir and their Dad. I did meet your mom though." A soft smile graced his lips. "I think like her a lot more than I like you."
"I'm sure it's because of the juju shít she probably did with money around your head and all. I don't have money to waste on you. You'll survive evil eye just fine. In fact, you'll scare the evil away."
"Not really. I didn't scare you away." She smiled at him with cheese. He laughed it away with
"Noor," The tone was rather sober when he called her out as the car came to halt. "He knows who you are. I mean I sent him your photos and your mom's the one you gave me. He hadn't said much back to me, except that he didn't know of your existence."
She nodded as she stared at the small café where she decided to meet him.
"Just shoot a text anytime. I'll be around the area. I mean it, whenever you want to go whether it's a minute or an hour. Take your time. Hear him and then be honest with him. It's all on you, love, how you want this to be. And it's okay if you want him to be in your life, but it's also okay if you don't want him to be in it. At the end of it what matters is what's healthy and happy for you, okay?"
She nodded, the knots coming to life in her stomach. She left his car and walked to the cafe. Holding the door for a second too long, she took a long breath and stepped inside. Holding on to the strap of her bag, she looked around and found the man from photos was sitting in the corner.
She could feel the strength leaving her legs as she took each step that brought her closer to him. Few feet away from the table, he noticed her walking and stood up. Her throat closed up. Oh God, this is my father. The truth finally crashing on her in reality. Breathe. She counted backward and leveled her heartbeat as she stood in front of him.
"Hi," She whispered.
"Hi." He nodded for her to sit down. This seemed rather professional than awkward which was good for her. She could do this.
The first thing she noticed was his eyes. They were the reflection of hers in the most literal ways. The color of the earth coming to alive in his eyes and as if half was poured into his and the other half into hers. She understood when her mother said she looked like him. It was just her eyes, but they were the xerox copy of his.
"I didn't know what you liked so I just have water here. We can order something else" His lips curved in an apologetic smile.
"Water," Her voice was hoarse, she could barely speak. Clearing her throat, she said. "Water is fine. Thank you."
She didn't know where to start and where to end this. This was her father in front of her, but all she could see was a stranger. Maheen's dad. Anyone, but her father.
"Zach... Uh... Zach told you about who I am." She wrapped her hands around the cold glass. Her hands were heating up. "I'm..." She wanted to say I'm your daughter, but why did that sound too personal. "You're my biological father." Her eyes were trained on him. Trying to catch anything. His hair was a mix of salt and pepper so was his mustache, but the years had been kind to him. She could see a reflection of Maheen in him and that was unsettling for her.
"Your mother never told me." He took a long breath. "If I knew before, I would've contacted me."
"Would you have taken me away if you knew about me?" She didn't know where that question came from, but she didn't want to do formalities. The anxiety and years of bubbling pain just wanted to know if he would accept her or not.
"huh?" The question took him by surprise.
"Would you accept me if you knew about me before?"
"Of course I would. You're my daughter."
She didn't know whether it was his words or that he didn't even flinch or hesitate before saying that. She put her forehead down on the table and put her hands on her mouth to muffle her cries. It seemed like someone had finally sewed up the wound that had been bleeding for years.
Every ounce of cold strength fell apart in pieces. She was supposed to treat this as a callous meeting. Just to know who he was but damn it this was her father. A man who seemed more affectionate to her in a few minutes than years spent with her parents.
"Rabail," His soft voice was closer to her, and then his arms came around her. The safety of a father she deserved all her life. The shelter of love and kindness that she was robbed off. Her resistance and coldness crumbled in his embrace. "I'm so sorry for all you went through. I didn't know about you. I wish I knew before. I swear to God I would have taken you with me."
All in her welled up to her tears as she held on to him. The conflict and fear slightly fading in her. Her heart fluttering with hope. Once her emotions had de-escalated and she was breathing better, he sat on the chair next to her. Still holding her hands.
"She said I'm illegitimate. I want to honestly know what you think of me? You don't have to feel forced about anything. I promise I just wanted to know you that's all."
"You're my daughter, Rabail. There is nothing else in the world that defines you. It doesn't matter what my relationship to your mother was or wasn't. It doesn't reflect on what my relationship to you is. I have three more kids and to me, you're just as important and equal them."
"Why didn't she tell you?" She hiccuped and her voice cracked.
"I'm not sure. Maybe she was trying to protect you. Maybe she was trying to protect herself. The society isn't kind to people like us. We made mistakes, but you'd probably had to bear the consequence even though you had no fault in all this."
"She is not that nice."
"I know, but she is your mother. She probably didn't make the right choices and my differences with her are and will always be there. We parted on bad blood, but to me now she is just your mother and I respect her for giving this beautiful child to me. But I don't want to talk about her anymore. I want to know about you."
"You kept staring at me at Zach's party. Why?"
"You just looked familiar, but I couldn't put two and two together because it just never crossed my mind because she left before I could even know. It just seemed it could be an uncanny resemblance."
She nodded. She was caught between fire for her mother's mistakes. She caught him up on what she was doing, her master's program, her marriage, and of course her childhood. Part of her felt guilty when she talked about the way she grew up, but this was her father. She didn't want to lie. Maybe it was the last time he wanted to meet her. Maybe not. But she wanted him to know who she was.
"Thank you for contacting me."
She nodded, but her mind was far away. The doubt still lingering in her. What if he didn't want to be part of her life. Meeting him gave her closure and clarity about who she was but what about from here on? She wanted to see him again. She wanted to get to know him and grow a bond with him but what about him? She couldn't force this upon him. What if he abandoned her?
"If you were not married, I'd ask you to come to your father's home, but you're married." He chuckled and she raised her head in surprise. "Rabail, I'm your father and I should have been there for you long ago. But there is nothing that can bring back lost time. The regret will always be there that I never saw you growing up and I lost all that time, but I want you to know that I'm here now. If you are okay with it, I'd like to be part of your life."
"But what about your family? Will they accept this?" She came from a broken home, but she didn't want to be a reason for someone else's.
"My wife knows about you when Zach contacted me I shared it with her and she is excited to meet you."
"But how? didn't you cheat on her with my mother."
He should have been offended, but he laughed it away.
"No Rabail, I did not cheat on her. I was divorced at that time. I met and married Safina after my relationship with your mother. I'm sure you know Maheen. I was married to Maheen's mother but our relationship didn't work out and we divorced. Then I met your mother and fell in love with her. I didn't know she was married. It was when she was leaving she left me a letter. I spent those years with guilt, but at least it gave me hope that she was happy wherever she was. But I should have known better."
"I'm sorry I'm asking you all these personal questions. I know it's probably awkward for you, but I'm just trying to understand her, her past, and why did she treat me like that."
"No, I understand. I'm here for you. Whether it's to answer your question or if you need anything else. I know it's been a long time and I've lost the time when you needed your father to be there, but I want to build that relationship with you if you're okay with that?" He put a hand on her cheek and wiped the tears.
"I'd like that." She nodded and smiled for the first time since she met him.
/////
He walked to the living room and his sister was sitting on the floor with numerous sketches scattered around. Buildings of all sorts. For a second, he was thrown back in time. Little Ayla sitting there with her sketching book as their mother cooked in the kitchen while humming.
He sucked in his breath and held on to the staircase. He was elated that Ayla kept on with what she loved at least part of her that he knew was there.
"Ayla!" He called out to her and she looked up. Her eyes gleaming as she saw him walking to her.
"Lala," She put away her sketchbook and made space for him to sit. He took a seat in front of her.
"I'm happy you're still drawing." He picked up a few pages that were scattered around them and he was in awe. She drew brilliantly. He was amazed by the beautiful building on the paper.
"It kept me sane." She leaned back against the sofa. Se pulled her knees up, wrapping her arms around them and put her chin on it.
"What was it like? Growing up here." He looked around where the living room around him rather looked part of a museum with expensive artifacts and pieces of art, but no sign of humanity.
"It was empty." She stared at her feet, hiding her gaze from him. He knew it was much worse than empty. "The one year with Mama after you were sent off was still okay. We lost her when we lost you, but she was there. She loved us like before, but that part of her was missing. You have to know, Lala, she did everything she could."
"I know. I never blamed her for anything. I knew where her say ended. She is the only reason I survived."
"I tried to find you, but I didn't know where you were. Mama gave me Dada Jaan's number but during that time you weren't in a state to talk, but he kept calling me and letting me know how you were, but over the years I lost contact with him. I think I lost hope too that you were ever coming back. So I just compromised with myself and learned to get past it."
"I should've come back early." He whispered.
"You needed to learn to live again and you wouldn't have been able to here so I'm happy you weren't here."
"Ayla," He remembered what Kabir told him and that fear rose in him again. "Kabir told me something."
Her body went rigid as if she smelled that fear off of him. Her eyes turned cold with daunting fear.
"Why did you kill him?" He asked with just a thread of strength. Talking about him still wasn't easy. The scars were still alive and wounds were still bleeding even if he learned to cope. "Did he do something again Ayla? Please tell me. Did try to touch you again?"
"No," She was lying, but she couldn't do this to her brother. She knew he'd kill himself with regrets right in front of her. What happened to her and that he wasn't there to save her again was never his fault, but he wouldn't understand that. "He didn't. He's dead because he tried to. I didn't let him." How she wished the words that sounded so truthful were true too, but they weren't.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry I wasn't there to finally kill him this time. I'm sorry." He pulled her closer as he kissed the top of her head. He was soothing her when he heard those foot steps and froze there.
He could recognize that echo anywhere. The specific way those steep shoes hit the ground and made that noise. His eyes moved from Ayla to the door and it seemed like nothing else had changed either.
The man stood there wearing his pride and ego along with his expensive suit. His body was stiff as always and the hair still reflected of that color of his past, this one was not his natural one, but of course, it was still as dark as he'd remembered. His face and jaw contorted with disdain and still no sign of remorse in the eyes that once refused to believe in him.
Something snapped in him as Ayla whimpered in his arms. Her silent cry cracked his years of control and he left her there and charged after his father. The man stood there staring at him calmly. Asfandyar grabbed him by his color as his childhood reeled in like film.
The younger Asfandyar too weak to stand up for him as he was dragged of this same door and foyer. The one whose mother left this world because she couldn't save her children. The one who couldn't fight for his siblings.
"Sultan Ali Khan." He stared into the man's callous eyes that held no regret. " You killed my mother. You killed my childhood. You killed my siblings' world. You snatched everything from us. I hope your money and greed was worth all of this because look what you did to us. Are you happy?" He wanted to kill him, but he pushed him away. No matter what he did, his faith didn't teach him to raise his hand on his father. But anger and venom couldn't stop the words. "You are a murderer."