I don't know what they are called, the spaces between seconds– but I think of you always in those intervals.
Salvador Plascencia, The People of Paper
Remus Lupin wouldn't call himself brave.
He would call himself clumsy, nerdy, lacking any fashional sense, and too sarcastic in some of the worst situations in which you could be sarcastic. On especially cocky days he would call himself smart, but at the end of the day if he would have to describe him as something he would rather use every word in every language than brave.
He chooses to stay at the sideline when his friends lived out what others titled 'Gryfindor bravery'; he preferred to stay the mind of their operations. Of course, if it was up to his friends to titel his behavior, they would call him brave from the minute he opens his eyes every morning, just because you don't always need to be reckless to be brave.
But the thing was, he never needed to be brave. He didn't have to tell his friends that he was a werewolf, they eventually found out themselves, he never needed to speak his mind, most of his thoughts were common, and if not, his friends were quick to defend him. He wasn't brave when turning on full-moon, it wasn't something he chooses to do. The one time he considered himself brave was on their first day at Hogwarts, because he really dared to take up Dumbledores offer, to still attend, even with a curse laying heavy on his shoulders.
But now, when non of his friend could take the burden from him and no curse could force him, Remus was forced to be brave.
Even when a part of him dared to titel it as bravery, most of him still was aware that it was just common sense. Everyone would apologize, even his best friend, who he learned had even apologized before him when doing something wrong.
"You are just as bad as he is! Just because you're not the one aiming the wand, doesn't mean you're righteous. Smiling innocently, while planning everything, looking away each time your friends do such horrible things. You're not better than they are or as he is!"
Even after Victoria had said to him that she wasn't angry at him for what he did, but rather how he handled afterward, he still couldn't shake off the anger she had burned upon him then.
"You don't need to confess your feelings to her, but at least apologize - just talk to her again."
"You know, you can be just as normal around her with her knowing it. Or at least knowing how you feel."
Like a prayer, he repeated those exact two sentences over and over, as if hidden thoughts, or mumbled words, would let him become brave - they didn't. Still, whenever he even crossed air near the green of her eyes, who seemed to feel whenever he thought of them.. longs legs had an advantage, and one was certainly to run away from the overwhelming feelings Lily Evans always caused for him.
He didn't knew when it was worse - when they were just friends, his feelings hidden always so close to her, or the strangers they now could almost be, with feelings consuming more of him than they ever had. But that was the effect of love, wasn't it? The way it consumed you piece by piece until it is more than just a crush...
...A crush... He still remembered the times in which he booked it as only that. When they had been 11, the last weeks of first year. James had only recently informed his friends of his crush on Victoria Atkinson - as if they didn't know since the first time they even saw him looking at her - and his first plan on winning her heart over was "meeting". They had been friends at that time, even able to be considered pretty close, but for the boy, it didn't seem enough. So his plan was finding out where she spends most of her time, and how to make it look normal when he was around. His logic showed signs of possessiveness, as this only resulted, when Sirius pointed out how close Victoria and that Slytherin were getting. And even when those were obvious creepy signs of possessiveness, he was a child, and so it was easily just as what he titled it, and about what his friends liked to tease him about. Of course, they teased the boy about it - what friends wouldn't enjoy the slight misery it brought their friend when they pointed out his tinted cheeks or muttered the word 'whipped' more times than they could count?
Yet then, when they were in the courtyard, where they knew Victoria would show up any moment, Remus didn't say the teases they would usually either whisper in his ear or say loud enough to embrace him even a little bit more. No, he watched with scrunched together eyebrows the flame of red hair that was entering the courtyard. Next to her, was walking the blond that caused the ever-repeating of James' hair messing up. Her face wasn't familiar. Maybe he had seen her around Victoria occasionally, but if he would have been asked at that moment if he'd known her, he would have declined. She obviously was in their year, and in his house, the loosened red and golden tie shinning in the sunlight.
And then he remembered, when her emerald eyes meet his - Lily Evans. Sirius had titled her the know it all, and James seemed to dislike her just for the fact that she was friends with Severus. But for that second their eyes meet, Remus caught himself starring. And not just the hidden kind James tried to pull off right then, but the kind his mother used to scowled him for. He was just looking at her, his child brain not managing to take anything in that wasn't the small awkward smile she send him when she noticed his starring. His now half grown-up brain would title it as beautiful, breath-taking, stunning, but for young Remus, he could only hope that his friends didn't notice his staring at the pretty girl.
From that on, it only got worse and worse. Through mutual friends at that time, they eventually befriended one another, the redhead taking it obviously upon herself to make that friendship happen, as the boy was way too shy to even say her name when she was in the same room. She had just sat down on the last day of school, next to him on the spot in the library. He had looked at her with wide eyes - it was mid-summer, abut 39 degrees, and it was the last day of school, yet she sat next to him.
"I-I'm Lupmus - no, Remin - shoot, REMUS LUPIN!"
Looking back like he had done so often, Remus always had to stop himself from just hitting himself in the face. But then, when they were all alone, he truly forgot what was his name. Remus Lupin just sounded the best at the end.
She laughed, that kind of laugh which made you laugh along because it was never the kind that would laugh about you, it would always be the kind that laughed with you.
But then she stopped, so abruptly that Remus grew cooled, thinking that she was just laughing at him because he was sure, he wasn't really funny. Seeming not to know your name wasn't funny!
With a look, that made her seem way older than she actually was (which she would use quite frankly over the years) she looked him dead in the eye. He didn't know it then, but she tried her best to live out the advice a certain black-haired first year told her with such confidence that made Lily understand why she already had received more than 10 love letters.
'Act cool, so cool that he has to beg you and chase you. My mother always says, be a princess, every prince has to climb up the tower before he can have you.'
"I'm Lily, Lily Evans. , "she declared, finding a lot harder to be that confident when he was direct in front of her.
"I know. ," he muttered, so quiet that she almost couldn't hear him. Almost. And before he knew it, she ran off, leaving just behind the piece of parchment, which at the end was her fifth attempt to perfect handwriting.
For a moment, he had looked after her, trying to proceed what just happened, and already booking the rosy color her cheeks had turned was just a trick his mind was playing to him.
Flowerbay 4, Cokeworth, Midlands, England, Great Britain
Of course, he had written, her. And she wrote back. And so it continued through the whole summer when eventually those two or three awkward letters, turned into chatter between lessons, quiet jokes in class, that no one seemed to understand but themselves. How couldn't it become a situation where she was on his mind so effortlessly, when he learned more about her? Books, music, classmates, friends, family - he said so much to her, yet those words he wanted to say all the time never came. He didn't even admit them to his friends, even though they weren't slow to acknowledge.
But now, he did what he had avoided for way too long.
"Lily! ," he wanted to just say it in the same tone he had practiced it in front of the bathroom mirror, but of course it came out, high pitched and obnoxiously loud. Even though the mass of students, who luckily damped some of his embracement, the words still reached the girl who he so desperately ran through the crowd for.
Victoria, offered him a hidden tumb-up when he came to halt near them, which he desperately needed when the redhead didn't offer him more than the pure backside of her.
He ignored her for weeks now, and between all the angry tears he had caused, and the endless romance novel and movie marathons he was the reason for, she would at least allow herself some stubborn seconds.
"I - I-"
Common Lupin, be brave, for at least 3 seconds in your life.
"-want to say sorry."
Lily's glare softened a little at those words, yet not enough to allow herself to meet his eyes, but to signalizing him to continue, with no spell or screams thrown at him. "I was a complete twat, or toe-rag as you would say, and I promise that it will never happen again. Not the pranking - I mean, that will probably always be there, but the cruelty behind it. I promise you that that will never ever return." The sheepish smile her friend wore, made it a lot harder for Lily to keep up that cold expression. But she turned around, and meet his eyes.
He gulped when his green eyes meet hers. Remus didn't know if he should continue with his apology, or rather go now and give the girl some space. Lily took that decision from him. "Apology accepted. ," she announced, trying to suppress her own smile once one appeared on Remus' face. Victoria punched the air next to them, smiling as if she just had the biggest victory.
The redhead turned to her friend as if the attempt to pass it off cool would be believed by anyone. " Vi,-" she started, with that familiar mature expression she practiced sometimes in the bathroom. "- did you already did your cofc homework? I honestly don't understand half of the arguments. I mean, common, as if it is a valid argument to say that they are bad human because they transform into a vicious beast once a month. Werewolf should have every right-"
There was it. Even when he had seen it coming, the reminder of what he was, still arrived, and there won't be a time without that painful feeling. Painfull enough to walk away with the most drastic change of expression.
Lily was left incomplete shook, whereas Victoria could only watch the disappearing figure of her friend in pity. The blond would have thought her friend would ask her what was going on, and while she did, she rather tried on getting the boy to talk. But only after seconds of becoming friends again, the boy did his best to avoid her. For the following days, Lily was left with absolute frustration whenever she tried to confront the boy on his abrupt cold behavior. He would continue his grumpy expression, would mumble things under his breath, but at the end of the day would simply not dare to talk one word with her.
And then there was Monday at the library. When the boy met her eyes again, and not only dodging them seconds after but then having the audacity to walk away from her, Lily had enough. Without a word, she left her best friend behind in the library, taking it now upon herself to find out what was going on.
For someone, she had never seen do any kind of physical activity, Remus Lupin proved to be faster than expected.
"What is your fucking problem? , "Lily screamed through the surprisingly empty hall, a second-year on the other end of it, fastly hurrying away.
As if he didn't know what she meant, she watched him turn to her seeming all so innocent. "What do yo-"
"Cut the bullshit." She wouldn't endure that anymore, feeling his eyes seak for hers, but whenever they meet he would act as if she was the most horrible person ever. " You've been ignoring me for the longest time now."
Under other circumcises, Lily would feel pity to see him in such discomfort, but when he started to fiddle his fingers, visibly wanting to disappear out of that situation she only felt more frustration.
"You behave like a complete wanker, I forgive you and then you act like a complete wanker - AGAIN. Since that time Vi and I talked about werewolves-" His flinching caused her to stop her words.
"What? Did I say something wrong? Do you not share my opinion on-"
"They are horrible monsters who deserve nothing other than what they get! ," he muttered, not daring to look her into the eyes.
"WHAT? , "Lily couldn't believe his words, never expecting such ruthless words from him. "This is why you're avoiding me? Because of your opinion, which is probably the biggest shit I've ever heard in my life? They are humans. Humans who carry no responsibility for when they're in their werewolf form."
Remus finally looked up, the rising of his voice causing her to slightly stumble in shock. "This is no fucking beauty and the beast. Not every beast holds a prince! They are not some fucking fairy tale creature. They are vicious, monsters who deserve every bit of hatred they get."
She raised her voice to match his, the green in her eyes seaming more poisonous with every second "You complete and utter toe-rag. Don't you fucking know I know that?!," she responds, the discussion taking a whole other turn than expected, but apparently a much needed. "It is not their fault you twat. What is there for a reason to discriminate them? Are you really that stupid and think that they were like, hey, I want to hurt myself with a curse that makes my life a lot more miserable and causes more pain than any human should ever carry? Do you think they see lycanthropy as a gift? The only gift they get is from themselves - the courage to wake up every single day and not just giving up, but getting on with their lives!"
With heavy breaths, and no words able to leave his mouth, the words doomed to Remus.
Lily Evans was everything someone could ever want - need. Kind, pretty, smart, humble, and on top of it all non-prejudice. She had to be perfect. Perfect, yet so involved in his life that it truly scared Remus on how someone so perfect found her way into his life without wanting to exit it again.
Without knowing it, the perfect Lily had told him the perfect words he only ever needed to hear in his not so perfect life. And his worst fear at that moment wasn't the full moon. It was that the girl in front of him wouldn't see him as the misfit - the danger - he truly was. Instead, she would see him as perfect as he saw her, with the exception that she truly was perfect.
The boy had never been good with emotions, and so the following words left his mouth in an attempt to hurry away from them.
"I'm a werewolf."
Lily didn't even seem shocked at his words. She only seemed a lot calmer, with the realization of what was the whole origin of their situation. Through the slightly blurred vision, Remus didn't see her gap at him. He didn't saw her pale, run away out of fear or heard her scream in terror. What he saw was the girl, with tears of her own in her eyes, stepping not away from him, but closer.
"Do you really think I'm that stupid and don't know that? , "she said in an almost mocking manner, a slight smile playing on her lips. For a moment Remus feared that Victoria would have told the girl, but the blond would never.
Suddenly, all frustration, all tension left his body. "Wha-"
"I'm not Victoria. I don't have thousand of duties to occupy my attention 24 hours a day...I noticed the pale color your face would turn once a month, how there always seemed something occupying you for the time around the full moon. And I'm sure that your mothers' cat, who you apparently always visit when you get ill once a month, isn't able to leave such scars behind." Carefully, she raised her hand towards his cheek, tenderly tracing down the one scar running from his eyebrow down to his cheek. Rather than flinching away, he allowed himself to enjoy the warm tingle her skin left behind.
He looked at her in a kind of disbelief that could almost be interpreted as admiration, "You noticed all those things?"
Lily chuckled lightly, "Never forget Remus, I'm a lot smarter than I may seem sometimes. Besides-," she stopped for a moment, gulping harshly. Now she would dare to be the brave one and lay it on the line. "You notice all kinds of things others wouldn't when you're in love."
His mind didn't present him the chance to not let these words reach his heart. They did at the moment they left her mouth.
If Remus and Victoria had one thing in common then it was how they wouldn't see themselves worthy to any light. Especially not when it meant even the slightest bit of darkness for someone else. Remus always saw the danger he put onto people when spending time with them. He couldn't prevent it when it came to Peter, Sirius and James deciding to animagi. He couldn't prevent it when Victoria practically forced another portion happiness to him when she decided to become his friend, and more importantly, showing how that happiness isn't dependent on how many your scars decorate your body, or how big they are; it depends on how you choose to deal with them.
And now there was Lily; spending more warmth than any sun could ever. With those bright eyes, she looked up at him, reading his mind like a poem.
"I want to be yours. That you're mine. Not because you feel obligated to just because I know of your lycanthropy. Because you feel the same and I swear-" She even chuckled a little, at how bewildered he seemed with this whole situation, "don't even try with such things as telling me how dangerous it would get for me. How dangerous would it be for you to be with a muggle-born?"
He attempted to say something but she continued before he could have said anything, "everything we do is dangerous. At such times, everything could get us further into the center of a war we never wanted. But that doesn't mean we don't take risks for what we love. We choose love over fear. Don't you see it? Friends with a Black and an Atkinson. Openly speaking up against dark-arts. Those choices are our choices. Loving a werwolf.-"
"Loving a muggle-born." Her smile grew wider as her tears became more, those words causing the most pleasant warmth imaginable.
"Loving a muggle-born. Those are our own choices. And I choose you. I choose to be with you. Fight every bit of darkness, face every danger and enjoy every bit of warmth. I will be doomed if I ever let a war decide on who I get to love. My heart. My choice. I love you Remus Lupin!"
His words could never give her back the gift hers had given him. Not in a million years. So, when he felt almost helpless, he placed his lips onto hers, offering the greatest promise his body could offer. He didn't even need to fear for a second that she wouldn't kiss him back as in the moment his lips found her lips and his hands found her hair, Lily's lips seemed to respond with the same institution.
Maybe seconds, maybe minutes, maybe even infinity - their lips parted and after those heavy breaths their lungs demand Lily found herself adorning the adorable, shy smile Remus wore.
"And I love you, Lily Evans."
____________________________
You find me sobbing in a cornor because I just realised if they end up together, she would be LILY LUPIN.
I wanted that to happen for sooooooooo long, and well... If you liked it, my warmest of thank yous, and if not, I learned today that I don't have to care. I like it.
Oh, and what I wanted to ask, how do you think -if I decide for it to happen- how do you think James and Victoria will get together?
xx,
Ophilia