Right now I'm shameless,
Screaming my lungs out for ya,
Not afraid to face it,
I need you more than I want to.
I've been overthinking this for the last 24 hours. Like really really overthinking. Overthinking so much that I haven't thought about anything else. And I promised I wouldn't, but I can't help myself.
I'm back in L.A. My tree house to be more specific and it's around 9.p.m.
I told Noah to come visit me here, because I miss him, he misses me, and I seriously need to talk to him.
Violet's speech about me, my relationship, my ever going fear of commitment and of opening up about my deep, strong feelings really made me think.
It's not like now I know or even think I love Noah and I want to ask him to marry me... It's not that.
I still don't believe in love. Love is still fucked up in my head. Actually, it's not like I don't believe in love, but I've said this already. I believe in love. I love people. I love my mom, my dad, my brothers, Violet, Campbell, Jacques, Jorja even.
But the kind of "love" people give each other in relationships, that I don't get.
People commit themselves fully to something in ways I don't understand. Loving someone isn't what people act like it is. It can't be. It can't be spending every second of every day with them and then when it comes down to it, not even enjoying it that much.
Loving someone, the way I see it, needs to be something out of this world, especially if it is relationship-wise.
If we're talking about loving a relative, you're kinda "forced" to do it in a way, or like, you're more likely to do so, because they are there whether you want it or not. They raise you. Your prime personality traits are acquired mainly through them, so of course you'll enjoy being around them in most cases, and love them.
Than your friends are already a big deal, because you're looking for people and you find people that you can relate to. That you enjoy the company, that you gravitate towards even more.
But when we are talking about a partner. Man. That's the person you want to share a segment of or your full life with. This person needs to be so special to you that you see in them an unreal light. It's not just a meh person. No. You don't start dating without really loving someone. You shouldn't at least. But so many people do it. Jump to things. Like, slow down, tiger. Get to know the person, spend time with them, fuck around. Fall in love naturally. Don't get yourself into a relationship to make it sparkle faster. Just no... Not for me at all, at least.
If it is there, it is there, that's love. It's shows up without you even noticing it.
Yeah, very complicated as it is, and it only gets 5 times harder because I have the hardest of times admitting my feelings to people. I mean, not really people, because I am always telling my friends how much I love them, what I love in them, all of that. And my family too. I think is the damn relationship thing again.
But again, I also think I never said it because I never really felt anything that serious for anyone relationship-wise...
With Campbell, I think I wanted to stop because I was getting scared of what I was starting to feel, so I wanted to stop. But also, with him, I don't think I ever felt what it takes to feel to date someone. What I feel for him is insane, is an indescribable bond, but I don't think it's in the realm of dating... you know? But yet again... Not that I know what that is.
I mean, weirdly enough, I think I'm closer to feeling that with Noah than I was with Campbell, or anyone really, and that's scaring the fuck out of me. And that's what I can't stop thinking about.
But I can't do relationships!
Noah texted me that he is on his way here, and the anticipation is killing me. I've thought so much about what I want to tell him, that I'm back to square one: having no fucking clue.
I think, if anything I want to be honest. Whatever comes to my mind when I see him, stare at his pretty green eyes, I'll tell him.
Not just for him, because he deserves to know how I feel towards him, since he makes me feel so good (not just sexually), but for me too. I think I need to face my fears. I have nothing to lose. Even if he doesn't feel things for me or whatever, even if he wants to hide it still or whatever, it's not like we're going to start a relationship so I have literally nothing to lose.
I'm still concerned about Campbell, but I truly believe what V said could be very much so the truth. Campbell loves me. That I know for sure. I know how much we mean to each other. And I know my happiness is his number one priority. Just like mine is his. And I don't care any less for him because I also care for Noah. That is not a thing. My heart has plenty of space for everyone. Plus, as I've mentioned before, I really don't want to think Campbell actually wants to genuinely date me or whatever, so I don't want this to be mean any more than it actually should.
And like V also said, it's not fair to live my life feeling the need to hide because of anyone else. Not even Campbell but especially not a bunch of random people on the squad, in school, wherever it is...
But it's still easier said than done.
The sound of my phone takes me out of my own head. It's a text from Noah.
Okay, it's happening, Sky, relax, you got this, c'mon.
Noah: im here. do u want me to go to the back door?
Okay, first step of this is letting him in like a real human, okay that should be easy. My parents are out at a work dinner party and Brook is already asleep because he was so tired from our flight and trip. Well, I was too, but I couldn't sleep, you can guess why.
Sky: nah. the front gate is fine. ill be there in 2.
I jump out of my bed and quickly make my way downstairs. I run to the front gate and catch Noah, in his Mercedes, messy curls held back by sunglasses and dressed in all black. He smiles as soon as he sees me and of course I do the same. How could I not?
God damn, he is so attractive. No wonder I only want to fuck him. Does anyone else compare?
"Peter, this is Noah, you can let him in. Any time he comes here, okay? I'll send you a photo of him, and all his info, don't worry, yeah?" I tell Peter, the security guard.
My dad is a pretty well-known musician, so our house is packed with security guards, security cameras, everything. There's a list of people allowed in the house, and whenever someone is added to that list, a bunch of stuff needs to be done. But I'll take care of it.
"Okay, Sky. As you wish." He says and opens the gate.
"Thank you very much." I say and smile, making my way to the car, sitting on the passenger sit. "Hi baby." I tell Noah and kiss him.
Damn, Noah looks shocked, Peter looks as if he has seen a ghost. Man, what am I doing?
"Hey." He says and smiles. "What is up with you and all this..." he thinks a bit "...shamelessness, shall I say."
"I'm just feeling bold, you know." I laugh a bit. "This way." I point so he can make his way to the little parking lot. He parks right next to my car. Two beauties that belong to two beauties, just kidding, relax...
We make our way up the tree house and as soon as we get there Noah throws me on the bed and overs me kissing me non-stop. "I've missed you so much, Sky." He says smiling super wide.
Wow.
The taste of his lips... I really can't resist it... I can't. I can't believe I went five days without feeling this out of body experience that is kissing him.
"Me too, Noah. So fucking much." I say kissing him back, letting his tongue do as it pleases while I run my hands through his face and hair.
God damn jaw line and curls... I'm not worthy.
Eventually, after making out for over 15 minutes, we lay in bed, side by side but in opposite directions... as in his feet to my head and his head to my feet.
Oh, God. Here goes nothing.
"You know, Noah, hm, I've been thinking..." I say as I turn to him still laying on the bed.
"Yeah? Me too... can't stop thinking about Harry's new song." He says.
Forget it, I LOVE NOAH, I admit.
No, I'm kidding... but like... he also loves Harry and looks like him? This is too much for me... It really is.
"Oh my fucking God, I know... he is just... the most unreal creature... did you watch the music video? The tongue out at the end... fucking insane." I say sounding so excited.
I can't believe I can fangirl with Noah.
"Yeah, I would fuck him over you any day... the man is fucking perfect." He says making me laugh.
Noah reminds me so fucking much of Harry... not just in the physical aspect, because you'd swear they are related, but also in everything else... it's just... they are baby but also daddy, if that makes sense? I feel like I've said this. But it's true.
I'll just shut up, I can go on forever about it.
"I honestly would understand... as long as I could join." I joke back.
Joke.
"We should send him a threesome invitation."
"He'd be stupid if he said no." I say and we both laugh.
As soon as we turn eighteen, we're doing that, I swear.
When we're finally done with laughing, I finally decide to get to the serious business. "But that wasn't what I've been thinking about." I say turning around so that we're not laying feet to head anymore.
"Than what have you been thinking about?" He asks turning to face me.
"Us."
His expression changes a bit as he says "Oh really?" He laughs a bit to himself. "What about us?"
What about ussss? What about all the broken happy ever afterrrrr?
My apologies... my brain just... works in mysterious ways.
Focus, Sky!
"Hm, it's that, hm... I don't quite know how to put it because I'm not even entirely sure on what I want to say." I admit.
"Well, maybe just say what you feel?" He smiles. "You know you can tell me anything, good and bad, Sky." Oh, yes I know, baby, but it's harder than it looks.
"It's just... you know... life is short. Like, right now, I'm just laying here, enjoying my life, having a nice time with you, but who knows, I can die tomorrow?" I say with a concerned voice that Noah finds pretty amusing, by the sound of it.
"Yeah, I see that." He laughs a bit and his eyes shine at me. He is so fucking pretty, like, please! "I hope you don't."
Oh my God.
"Yeah." I laugh a bit too. "Me too. My point is, what if I did die and there were things left to be said. Important things. That would suck."
"Yeah, baby, it would. Do you have any important things that you want to say?"
God, help me.
"Hm, I mean, confessing feelings is an important thing to say, right?" I shyly ask.
"Very, yeah." He answers as he smiles.
Here goes nothing.
"Okay, so, I wanted to tell you" this is so hard. Oh my God. Is like the words are stuck in my mouth. I need to say it. I will say it, but it's hard. "Hm, that..."
"C'mon Sky, you're scaring the fuck out of me, what is it?" He says with a concerned tone but a soft expression.
"Oh, no! It's nothing bad!" I quickly assure him. "It's good, and that's precisely why it's hard to say." I say as I sit back on the bed. He follows my actions and does the same, so we are now sitting in front of each other.
"Okay, so take your time than." He says as he rubs my leg with his hand. I place mine on top of his right away and that connection somehow gives me the courage to tell him.
His skin on my skin always brings out some sort of superpowers in me. Sometimes they come in the form of an orgasm, other times in the form of courage to say something. Like now.
"I really really like you, Noah. Like, like you more than I ever liked anyone in this way... like, like you more than I should... and it scares the shit out of me, how much I like you, since we've known each other for such little time. But it's been an intense few weeks that have made me develop some intense feelings towards you way quicker than I could possibly ever predict... I- I love to spend time with you, and I connect with you so much, it amazes me." I take a deep breath.
This is a whole fucking lot of information.
"I am always thinking about you and I wanted you to know that I care for you... truly... like crazy, and thank you for being in my life, because you're really fucking special and one of the best people I've ever met, so yeah... now if I die, at least you know that."
Oh-
Oh my God.
Did I actually just say all of that?
He looks me in the eye, and then our hands, still tied together, and then my eyes again.
He smiles and then takes his lips to mine.
That's a good sign, innit?
God damn it, his accent is rubbing on me.
When he pulls away from the kiss, both of us take a deep breath and he looks around.
It looks as if he is trying to find the words.
Hate to break it to you buddy, but I'm pretty sure they are not dancing around my tree house, you can just look at me.
"Sky- hm- you- I- shi- hm- fuck!" He says in between deep breaths, hi eyes finding their way back to mine.
"I don't even know what to say, I'm sorry."
Oh God, what is that supposed to mean?
"You will just never stop surprising me, will you?"
Oh, shit? "I- guess? I don't know..." I say looking kinda awkward and confused.
"I know how hard it is for you to open up about stuff you feel... I get it because it's hell to me too. We're both just... dumbasses that feel so many things but are so scared to admit them, and I had no idea you felt that way."
That is true.
I feel so many things, but I can never bring myself to express them.
It's almost like I get so overwhelmed by everything that I feel at all times, that I'd just rather act like I don't feel anything at all, than actually spend time and effort trying to understand and learning how to express what I feel.
But did he really have no idea that I thought about him like that? Damn, I thought about what I said it was all relatively obvious.
I guess this is why people say it's so important to communicate. I always think that actions will speak loud enough, but truth is words are very much needed in the equation.
"But maybe you don't know either that I feel the exact same."
Did I-
Did he-
Were those words really just said?
Oh my God.
Wait.
Am I starting to tear up?
Oh my God?
"Hm, this is so hard to talk about... To explain, but... I've never met anyone like you. I don't think about anything else but you. My favorite thing to do on Earth is making you laugh, go places with you, watch you sleep, well... fuck you." He says and we both laugh. "What I mean to say is that I don't think I've been honest with my feelings for you because I never felt this before, and I don't know how to say it, clearly." He rolls his eyes.
"You're doing a pretty nice job." I say and rub my hand on his face, smiling.
I can't believe he is saying all of those things to me... I can't believe he feels them.
"Yeah, hm, thanks. Sky, I want you to know, in case I die tomorrow and all that..." He laughs lightly and so do I. "...that you've been in my life for such little time but have changed it like no one else ever before and if soul mates really existed, I think you'd be mine for sure... because... you just mean so much to me... more than I can tell you right now or explain to you right now, or maybe ever... but you do. You really do."
God fucking damn it. Tears, alright, do your thing.
He just said I mean more to him that he can even explain.
He just said if soulmates existed, I'd be his.
What- How-
Am I in a dream?
How is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve him?
Tears just keep running over my cheeks without me noticing and I just hug him immediately.
"That was so beautiful, Noah... and I- I feel like that about you too, you know?" I say using his shoulder to dry my tears a bit as my head lays there in our hug.
"I would have never said anything if you didn't first, because I was too afraid you wouldn't feel something or think I was weird or some shit and I didn't want to open up and like be rejected or whatever." He says with a quiet voice.
I let go of our embrace and look at him "Like you would ever be rejected by anyone ever." I say.
"Yeah, but you're not just anyone, Sky. If you were, this talk wouldn't be happening." He says.
I'm convinced he is trying to give me a heart attack.
I put my hand on his face and kiss him softly. "You're not just anyone either. At all." I smile. "And I was so afraid of telling you this too because I knew for sure you wouldn't feel the same things and I would just open up and seem stupid for no reason, but Violet really talked me into opening up and a bunch of other really helpful things and I just did it, I opened up, and it turned out pretty fine." I say and he kissed me this time.
"I guess you can say that, yeah. Remind me to thank Violet, please." He smiles and makes me smile too.
"Oh, and also, I don't know if you'll want this, but I think it's pretty stupid to keep hiding that we're like friends and like fucking and whatever else that we are doing?" I say.
This one is tricky.
But I... want... well... I want and don't want to do it.
I want to do it because I want to be able to do whatever I want with whoever I want, wherever I want.
But at the same time, you know the downside...
But I want to give it a try. I want to try my hardest to not give two fucks about people who love to talk about other people's lives.
And about Campbell... nothing will change between me and him, I'll make sure of it. Just because I'm having sex with this one person instead of multiple... literally nothing changes.
It's fine. It's all gonna be fine.
"Are you joking me? Yes! I've been wanting to shove it down Campbell's throat from day one." He jokingly says. I hope he is joking?
"Noah, stop it!" I say and hit his arm lightly. "Promise me you won't do that shit. You know Campbell is very important to me... stop."
"Hm, if you really want me not to..." He says pretending to be bothered about it. "No, but like, I always hated that you didn't want people to know about us. It made me feel like you didn't like me enough, or felt like I wasn't good enough to make it public."
Is he listening to himself? Does he not have mirrors?
"What? No! My reasoning was completely different. Why would I ever think you weren't good enough to go public, like let's be honest here, even if I hated you, you are deadass one of best looking guys I've ever met, it would NEVER be bad for "my image" to be seen with you." I laugh.
"I mean, you never know, but I'm hot as fuck, yeah." He brags jokingly and we both laugh.
Okay, so at least he is aware.
"So, no more hiding?" I ask.
"Yeah, please, no more, I can't wait to kiss you in every single place we go to." He says.
That sounds quite appealing.
"And also, hm, Sky, one more thing... I don't know about you, but, that one night, we talked about the terms of our relationship and stuff?"
"Yeah?"
It's nothing bad, right?
"I told you I didn't want us to be exclusive, but I sorta do." He says looking down. "Hm, if you don't it's okay, like I get it, but yeah, I would enjoy having you all to myself." He says smirking a bit.
Oh, that also sounds really good.
I can't believe this.
Jax was actually right. He did really want us to be exclusive.
I'm astonished.
"I've been all yours from the moment I met you, Noah. I had so many chances to be with other people and all of them I turned down because none of them were you and I wanted you. Only you." I say putting my hands around his neck and climbing to his lap.
I can't help myself when I'm around this man.
"Oh, really? You want me?" He asks and kisses my neck so I nod. "Good, because me too. I literally won't look at any other girl since I met you and that's saying a lot." He laughs.
"Were you a three girls a week type guy?" I ask laughing a bit.
"Like one person a week." He says. "What about you?"
"Like one guy a week. Some girls too. But guys are way easier" I say and he looks at me smiling wide as I laugh.
Tell me I'm lying. You can't. I'm not.
"Yeah, you're right... and, huh, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but are you bi?" He asks.
Oh the sexuality talk.
"I don't really know... I don't think I really like to put any labels on myself... I like what I like when I like it... I don't really think about it... I usually go more for guys, but I have felt attracted to multiple girls too and had sex with them too... I don't really think about it too much, you know... At the end of the day it doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay or bi... I'm just Sky."
He takes his hand to my cheek and kisses my forehead. "I really really like the way you think, you know that?" He gives me a warm smile that warms my soul.
I'm just being honest... that's how I feel.
For the longest time I'd call myself straight because that's what society made easier for me to say I was... and I liked guys so it made sense in my head.
But when I started to allow myself to see beyond just that... when I allowed myself to like whatever I wanted to like and do whatever I wanted to do, I just realized that I didn't want to call myself this or that.
I just want to enjoy life with whoever I want to... go with the flow... being open about the whole thing.
Sexuality can be a beautiful thing, especially when you don't melt your brains to fit into boxes straight people created.
"What about you?" I ask him.
"To be honest, I guess I'm similar... I don't really label it... I'm mostly attracted to girls but... I've been with a few guys just to experience it and I figured out I kinda like it... So yeah... I'm just trying to have a good time."
"That's wonderful." I smile really wide at him. "But now you only have me to have fun with, pretty boy."
"And I don't need anyone else."
"Oh shut up, you're making me blush."
He really is.
"It's true... What haven't you done?" He asks laughing.
"Like, sexually? Oh man, I've done so much." I laugh. "But I'm sure you've done even more. Let's talk numbers. How many orgies have you been in?"
"Oh, I don't know at this point." He says laughing a bit so I laugh too.
"See, I'm pretty sure I've only been to one."
"Okay, what about threesomes?"
I laugh a bit. "Yeah, I have had plenty of those."
He laughs too. "See, I knew it, but me too."
"We're such fuck boys." I say and we both laugh.
"Not anymore, now we're pure." He says and kisses me softly.
"Hum hum, clearly." I smile.
"You don't think so? We are!" He says smirking. "It looks like I'll have to fuck some sense into your head." He says and turns us around, getting on top of me and kissing me passionately.
You'll be the death of me, Noah, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
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author's note: ok guys, don't touch me, I'm emo. my babies, Noah and Sky are finally confessing how they feel for each other and how they truly want their relationship to be. they're so pure and cute. and no, they're not dating, let's go slowly, shall we?. sky isn't ready for that yet. ok, that would be it. show them some love. ok, yeah, that's it. thanks for reading. ily. tpwk.