Chapter 22 - Hit Hearts Bruise
(Sickboy by The Chainsmokers; featured above)
Saville's POV
It was like a windstorm inside my head. Tongues and hands groped my body in lascivious ways that shouldn't be legal. I felt 4 hands roam my body while pulling and pinching different areas. It felt so good to be held up against this wall, supportive and yet restraining too.
Every bite of my neck solicited more pants and mumbled moans from my mouth. Eli and Alex didn't seem to care about people catching us in the hotel hallways, and as they played with me, neither did I.
I was aching to be used again by these men. I wanted nothing more than to kneel down and beg for one of them to give me what I want. The bittersweet taste of their release was practically impossible to forget. Every stroke of my body only turned me on more, as did the lose of my strength around them.
"...and you called me a Cheater." I heard a deathly familiar voice ring out several feet away from me. Only after hearing this did Elliot and Alex stop teasing me to look who was speaking.
I already knew.
"It's not cheating if you're already filing for divorce." I spoke, pushing my body off the wall and sauntered over to my soon-to-be ex-husband. His face seemed to constantly be pulled into this shit-eating smirk nowadays.
"Can we be done?" He asked, his confidence and basic "asshole-ary" was more than visible. As he waited for my response, I started to laugh loudly. I'm sure it seemed crazy and all-in-all, this relationship and situation might as well be making me insane.
"You crossed a line bringing my parents into this. Between that and insinuating that I used to cut myself, we are far from over. May I remind you, you're the one that wanted to play this out in front of an audience." I practically yelled, yet thought better of it since people were probably sleeping.
"You can call them 'modifications' if you want. But they just show how weak and pathetic you are." Gil's voice came out in a mocking tone that soon turned to one of hate. I could feel Eli and Alex's throats rumble with anger behind me.
"Hopefully your attitude will change by tomorrow." I warned wearing a smile. My husband's face fell almost immediately, and his eyes clouded in fear despite his shows of strength.
"What have you done?!" He asks, the words slipping from behind clenched teeth. Despite not wanting anyone to ever know this shit, I only had so many cards to play and this was one hand I couldn't fold.
"Just shared a few home videos of ours. You can find out which ones in particular tomorrow with the rest of the world. Just make sure you have a lawyer present." I say before I can feel my head snap to the side and blood begins to fill my mouth. Running my tongues around my mouth, I quickly check for major injury and thankfully feel none.
Looking up, I see Alex has pinned my squirming husband securely against a wall. Eli gently picks up my face with his palm and wipes a line of blood away. Smiling at him, I move away and creep up towards the man that punched me.
"I told you once Gillian. You can't hurt me anymore. I'm numb. I just sincerely hope you aren't." Threatening this man has become my new favorite thing to do, well let me correct that. Kicking him in the balls is now my favorite thing to do.
As he doubles over in pain, he mumbles out curses towards me. I don't pay any attention as I move to leave and go into my hotel room. Despite my efforts, I feel Eli and Alex grab me softly and begin to lead me down the hall and into the stairwell.
Alex doesn't let me take a step before he picks me up. It's only now that I realize I'm crying and blood continues to trail down my chin. The next few minutes feel like seconds as I am placed inside a car and Master starts to tend to the blood. His caring hands leave me feeling warm inside, as Daddies arms wrapped around me make me feel safe again.
"...daddy..." I whimper, shoving my face into his chest. Each sound I make, I hate. I hate every action I make, every movement is filled with self-loathing. I don't want this. I don't want to need them, to feel so good around them.
While tears fall from my eyes, only soft sounds can be heard from me after. Once again I feel myself being picked up, and for once, I have little to any care about my self. If I was to die right now, I think it would only save me from future shame and embarrassment.
A very familiar ding is echoed, yet I don't really register it as I revel in the comfort I feel with my Daddy. His whispers of encouragement and affection are the only things keeping my tears away. His arms slowly unwrap themselves from my body, but his voice stays and cold sheets meet my hot skin.
Master soon walks up to Daddy and I with a sweet smile on his face. A warm cloth is quietly applied to my chin and removes all the blood. Another cloth, a cold one, is placed on my eye as my clothes are soon pulled off. I don't resist anything these two do, as I don't have the energy or willpower to. Different clothes soon wrap around me, making me feel warm and comfortable.
As I snuggle into the bed, my eyelids soon relax and they are struggling to stay open. They only open once more to see Daddy and Master getting into the bed with me, one on each side. One hand strokes my hair as another rubs my back. Just before I can fully slip asleep, I detect something being gently pushed into my mouth. Wrapping my lips around it, I feel even better with it, so I quickly crash hoping to never wake again.
__________
Was this becoming a habit? Waking up in their bed with lingering thoughts of the night before in my head?
Things were different this morning though. I wasn't happy to find both men lying asleep next to me. The sunshine from yesterday morning had retreated behind a dark covers of clouds that left the city dripping in water.
The throbbing pain radiating through my left eye was terrible. Yet not as distracting as the swelling that slightly hindered my vision. I distinctly remember the taste of blood filling my mouth last night, and upon waking I found the source. It wasn't bleeding anymore, but the spot where my teeth had punctured the tissue was still tender.
I felt it gently with my tongues before I realized something was in my mouth. Mentally I started screaming at myself for not realizing it sooner. Grabbing the item with my hand, I instantly knew what it was and shame suddenly spread through my body like a wildfire.
'Paw-fect'
This was the word scrawled on the face of the baby blue adult-sized pacifier. I held it in my hand like my eyes would somehow set it ablaze along with myself. I didn't want any part of this whole thing as I rushed to get out of bed.
Practically tripping into the bathroom, I threw the pacifier in the second sink to the right of me. Looking into the mirror, I realized that despite the pain from the injuries that Gil inflicted; last night had been the best sleep I'd had in a long time.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I felt the warm and comforting material of what I was clothed in. It was a fuzzy, blue colored adult-sized onesie, fashioned to look like a puppy with ears and a face on the hood. Droplets of water fell from my face and dampened the plush material.
Peeling myself out of the onesie, I moved to take a shower and attempt to wash my feelings of me. Minutes, hours, days later I only realize I haven't moved since entering the shower when the water runs cold. Try to snap myself out of it, I robotically scrub my skin raw... it's red and blotchy as I get out.
A thought I hadn't had in forever suddenly overtook my brain, as I sat on the edge of the bathtub in my towel. Maybe Gillian was right?
Looking back to when I would get my piercings and my modification, it really was just an excuse to feel pain. I never wanted to cut, I didn't think it would distract or supplement my mental pain... I just liked pain.
That thing that everyone in this world hates, or is scared of, gets me turned on. It started simple with shoves in school by the jocks, or even the punches they threw... I was hard. I wanted them to hit me more, and the I started getting piercings and realized that it got me off so much.
Fuck! I really am a freak. I never wanted to be, I didn't ask to be this fucked up of a person. I wanted to be normal, I used to pray and pray for it all to go away. But every erection I had told me God wasn't planning on helping me. Maybe this is why I don't believe in him, he never showed or inspired me with... anything.
I was alone for so alone that when I found BDSM, I found a home for my fucked up mind. They understood me more that I could have hoped, but you know how life works. I never thought I was going to have to pick one dream over another... but fame came and swept me off my feet.
Don't get me wrong, I love my fans! The people that support me, love all the effort and see beauty in what I do is phenomenal. It's the vultures, the masses that want to turn everything around. Public perception is a bitch, but it's real and very influential in my field.
I hate myself.
I really am a pathetic, fucked up slut. I have a married couple fucking me so hard I'm aching the next day. I spend my days lying too so many people that it feels natural at this point. I'm so tired. No matter how much I sleep, and it hasn't been enough except for last night... I'm still tired.
Even if I were to be happy, even if Gillian didn't turn out to be an asshole. Life is short and then you die, why not just skip to the end.
"Saville!" I hear Alex yell as I stand and head for the door to leave the bathroom. As I leave the room, I just think...
I want to be done.
"What time did you get up Pup?" Eli walks up to me, reaching out to hold my cheek. Letting his hand lay there, I stare at the ground and try to silence the thoughts inside my brain.
"I just woke up. I have to get going though." I say, pulling away from his warm hand that only mocks me with it's sweetness. It feels like a metal brand that's carving the word "home-wrecker" into my skin.
"Don't leave so soon Pup, it's not good. I think you nee..." He tries to tell me, but I only cut him off.
"I'm fine, Elliot." My voice comes out deader than I would like it too, but...
I only spare a passing glance at Eli, to see the anger and annoyance at me from cutting him off. He's pissed, but he should realize I'm not his sub. I can't be. Ever...??
"I know last night was hard. Were you comfortable with how we took care of..." Eli tries to speak as I throw my clothes from last night on.
"You didn't need to take care of anything. I've handled much more, for doing a lot less." I cut Eli off again, only angering him more. I can feel the emotion roll off him a I stare directly in his eyes.
"I've really got to go." I say, turning away from Eli, only to practically run into Alex who only looks at me with deep concern.
"You're not going anywhere." Alex speaks, and even when I try to walk by him, he pushed me back into the room.
"Why! Im not your fucking responsibility!" I yell, not wanting to physically touch either of them. They both stay in their place, yet Alex continues.
"Because I don't trust you. You want to hurt yourself. I don't know if you want it to be 'a' cut or 'the' cut, but I don't trust you." Alex speaks, making me look at the ground in shame.
How can these men read me like this? No one in my life has ever been able to see through my lies. I'm a fucking Actor after all!!
"Saville you have too much to live for, just to throw it away. Your career, your sister, everything!" Eli says but it only makes me incredibly angry.
"My parents hate me, they would love if I died, think about all the money. And your right, I might hurt my sister, but she'd get over it. I think shes been prepared for it for years. Meanwhile a million guys would kill for this job. They think they want this, the money and the cars, the houses and the attention... but it means nothing when you hate yourself! I'm not lucky, I'm not beautiful, I just feel used..." The tears that flow from my eyes only make me hate myself more.
I slowly sit on the bed and yet it doesn't feel right. Slipping off the mattress, I sit on the floor and pull my knees to my chest. I can hear the delayed and struggling breathes of the two men above me. I don't hear their footsteps, and I don't hear their approach, but in a few seconds I want being petted and hugged.
"It's going to be okay Sav. Your safe here. You can cry or scream as much as you want. But Ellie and I are going to stay right here until you feel better and can talk about it. We care about you Saville, and I want to apologize for not telling you that sooner." Alex speaks, which only makes me cry harder.
Soon I open my arms, and put down my knees and Alex and Eli wrap my body in their arms. We don't move, we just sit on the floor and breathe. I don't feel rushed, or pressure. I felt what I had felt last night, before Gillian showed up. I feel safe. Maybe I should be stay with them? Do they... want that? Because I think... I do.
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