Harvey at the moment:
I've been driving around London for at least half an hour. I didn't want to go back to reality. The night with Lila was all I needed. I felt a rush of self-esteem, happiness and fulfilment. Though nothing had happened, nor had I expected anything, the evening was beautiful. I hope she had a great time too.
When I parked in the driveway, I saw the lights in the living room. Dad probably fell asleep in front of the TV again.
On my surprise, he was awake.
"Harvey. Sit down, we need to talk."
"Okay... Are we going to pretend that I am sixteen years old again and grounded for coming in at half-past twelve? "– I asked sarcastically.
"Prankster! Seriously, Harvey. I'm worried about you. The other day I found you beaten on the floor, unconscious. You come home late... Did you start drinking again? "
"No, what? Fuck no!"
"Don't cuss!"
"Sorry. No, Dad, you got it all wrong. "
"Help me understand then."
"I don't drink or fight around! I'm not indebted to anyone and no loan shark was in the house that beat me up. I told you, Kevin and I had a fight over some stupid thing, and that's the truth!"
"Lovely Harvey. I raised you so nicely. Why do I still feel like you're lying to me? "
"I am serious! I'm not drinking! When you're so annoying, I'll tell you. "
"I'm listening."
"I started hanging out with Lila again. You know, Jane's Lila. My first girlfriend. "
The first minute he didn't say anything.
"And that's why you go around and fight people or what? I don't understand."
"No, fuck! That's why I come home late. I'm hanging out with her. We were at the exhibit today, after we left, we went for a drink... I drank tea. Calm down. "
"I do not understand. You're back together? "
"Not yet. I don't know. We're friends for now. "
I felt really like a sixteenth-year-old who have to answer a hundred questions. Where you are, who you're with, why are you...
I convinced him somehow with a story about me and Kevin. It's better if he does not know the truth. He's had enough trouble with me since mom died of breast cancer. I'm grateful to him for everything and if he wasn't there that night, who knows what would've happened to me.
I was a stubborn child. Hell, I still am. But maybe a little less. Dad was barely able to work and raised me at the same time. If it hadn't been for my uncle Michael, I wouldn't have turned out to be a normal kid. When I turned fourteen, Michael moved to Canada with his new family. As the years passed, we heard less and less and so we stopped. I haven't seen him in three years.
Before bedtime, I was flipping through my notebook full of songs, adding a few verses that I came up with during the day, shook the strings on the guitar and threw myself into the shower.
We used did nasty things in this shower together. I believe Dad heard everything, but we didn't care.
I'm seriously lovesick fool but ever since I saw her from the stage, I can't stop thinking about how we're meant to be. I'm a fool for losing her over my drinking and lack of courage, but now everything is different. I've been sober for almost two years and I have to be patient. I'm sure we'll have a chance to be happy together again someday.
As usual, I've reviewed all the messages on social media. Not worthwhile - most messages are meant for the whole band. I'm not quite used to all the popularity.
I had one DM from Kiara on Instagram, of course.
"You hang out with your buddies at some fucking exhibit shows, and you don't have time for me. Seriously, baby, I miss you. "
Fuck me. I thought I was clear enough today. I decided to block her so she wouldn't get a chance to ruin everything with Lila.
Lila at the moment:
Sunday, early morning, and Ruby snuck into my bed.
"Sis, you'll never leave me like Felix did, right?"
"Maybe I'll move to a different street someday, but never from the state. What's with all the questions? "
"I'm still sad about Felix. Yesterday, mom tried to get him on FaceTime, but he didn't answer. Did I do something to him so he's mad at me? "
"Don't talk nonsense. You were a real hostess! Who could ever be mad at you? "– I hugged my little sister as hard as I could. Stupid Felix could at least act like he cared until he got on that plane.
I didn't get an answer to my long text yet. I don't know how to get his attention anymore. I expected to be sadder. Felix broke my ideal picture of himself.
I decided to check on Maggie. She didn't deserve to have Felix treat her like that.
I've never been a cigarette addict, but this one fits me. Before lunch, I decided to walk Diesel. I sat down and I lit up one. The first smell of cigarettes automatically reminds me of a time when I was drunk with no sense, jumping in clubs and smoking. I didn't mind then. Sober me certainly wouldn't have smoked as much as the night before.
I can't wait for the job interview tomorrow. This opportunity will be a great distraction.
When I came back and explained to mom and dad that I have a job interview tomorrow morning, they couldn't stop laughing. The first time after Felix left.
"You're my smart cookie!" – She kissed me and now her fondly pink lipstick was on my whole face.
"I haven't got the job yet. I will not rejoice until everything is for sure! "
"I just know you're going to get it!"- Mom assured me.
♥
The girls haven't called or texted me. I guess they had a good time on the after-party after the exhibit. I didn't want to bother them. Instead, I was cleaning drawers and I threw out all the scripts I no longer need. Thank God.
In the old planner, I found a letter I wrote to Harvey, but I never got a chance to give it to him. I wasn't expecting such a sudden breakup.
'It's all there.'
'I always knew there was going to be something between us. From the moment he was arrogant snob and the moment when he throws his name to me in the hallway of the school. From that moment I said to my friend with a smile; "he's a moron."
From that moment on, I felt we were going to have something special. Everything was so spontaneous and funny and I hope that we will always have spontaneous sweet moments. Just like we had from the first day.
And today it is. The feeling of knowing that you have a beautiful, real person whether he's close or miles away. A sense of excitement you feel because you know that you will soon be in the safest and warmest embrace. Frankly, there's no more words to describe everything I feel.
Mornings with him are my favourite. I'm looking for his embrace in his bed that's big enough for the two of us, and he, deep in the dream, is the prettiest. Always ready for a hug, always ready for a few kisses.
With all life situations, whether good or bad – I would always choose him. I'd rather fight him over stupidity and banal things than with anybody else. He is the absolute best thing that has happened to me in my life and the best thing that will happen to me yet.
He has this special side that is devoted only to me. Sweet, calm, caring and attentive, loving. Just for me... Just us... He brings out the wild side of me, and I draw his quieter side.
We are best friends, the couple, and the support for each other and the biggest backbone of our lives. We met and stayed together. Forever.
I love you, baby. "
This 'Forever' didn't last long.
I never had a chance to give it to him. Or just enough time to express how much I adore him. I mean, he knew it, but he wanted me to express it in my way. The writing way.
I've been promising him from day one that I'm going to write him a letter or some cute little message.
This little lengthy letter I carried with me in the bag the day I came to him and the world collapsed. I don't know why I kept it.
And again, I didn't want to throw it away now.