EPILOGUE
Hola, It's KF - Faith
"Hi everyone it's Karsyn again and welcome to another vlog! Katatapos ko lang uminom ng gamot and I'm now fine. Malakas na ako kaya naman nakakapag-vlog na ulit! Today, I want to share something to all of you. These past few days was the hardest days of my life and you witnessed what I've been through. Siguro masasabi kong kung wala akong paniniwala, baka noon pa ako nawala. Baka bumitiw na ako but I'm glad that I had faith in me at iyon rin ang gusto kong ibahagi sainyo ngayong araw. Faith..."
Napangiti ako ng makita si Karsyn na masiglang kinakausap ang camera. Her hair was tied in a bun and she puts a little make up to be more presentable to everyone. Ang sabi niya, gusto niyang maging maganda naman kahit paano kapag nag-vlog siya ulit kahit na ilang beses kong sinabi na walang kinalaman ang make-up sa pag ganda niya dahil natural na siyang maganda at wala nang silbi ang make-up. She always blushed whenever I tell her that.
Nagpatuloy ako sa panunuod sa kanya.
"In my journey, hindi ko inisip na mabubuhay pa ako. Noon, ikini-kwento lang ni Mommy kung gaano sila ka-swerte at nakakasama pa nila ako. I wasn't given another life and another to just waste it. I was given this life because I have a purpose and I'm now living it. Mahirap man at hindi madaling isipin kung ano but this new life taught me everything that I needed, and more. I want to tell you a story about this woman in the bible who needs healing. Mark 5:24–34, There was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years and who had suffered much under many physicians, had spent all that she had and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, "If I touch even his garments, I will be made well." And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, "Who touched my garments?" His disciples said to him, "You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, 'Who touched me?' " He looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your disease."
"In the story, you can see how pure the woman's faith was. Na kahit mahirap ang mahawakan si Jesus ay nakipagsiksikan siya at hindi tumigil dahil naniniwala siyang kahit katiting lamang ng damit nito ang mahawakan niya ay gagaling siya. And her faith healed her. You see, Jesus is walking in the middle of the crowd and everyone is bumping him yet he still noticed that someone had touched him. Someone draw the miracle out of him because they believed in him. Faith really plays an important role in our life because it's one of the key to touch Jesus. The crowd represents your struggles, your anxieties and the negativity of the world that wants you to stop going after him and the lady represents us. When you believe, when you expect things to change and when you keep saying to yourself that your breakthrough is coming, your faith can stop him from walking and activates his miracle on you. I know life here on earth is hard at kung minsan ay marami tayong dahilan para huwag maniwala pero gusto kong sabihin sa inyong huwag kayong huminto. Don't stop believing in him. Don't let your emotions and the negativity of the world talk you out of what God has in store for you because I believe that you will not be alive if there's nothing amazing in your future. Just like the lady in the story, she reached out to Jesus and touched him with so much faith and that is what God wants us to have. He wants us to believe, trust and touch him with faith. 1 Corinthians 13:13, So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. Always have hope and faith but most importantly, love."
Napalunok ako nang sumilay muli ang matamis na arko sa malalambot na labing iyon habang patuloy sa pagbabahagi ng mga salita.
"Don't forget to make someone smile today! This is KF and see you on my next vlog–"
Madiin kong pinatay ang aking telepono. Hindi ko na napigilan ang muling pagtulo ng mga luha sa aking mga mata lalo pa't sa pagpikit ko ay tanging ang anghel na 'yon lamang ang laman ng madilim kong mundo...
Karsyn didn't make it.
Inangat ko ang hawak kong panibagong bote ng alak, iniiwasang titigan ang bagay na iyon sa mausoleum na kinaroroonan ko.
Nilagok ko ng tuloy tuloy ang laman ng boteng iyon na kahit gumuguhit ito sa aking lalamunan at nag-aalburoto na ang sikmura ko ay hindi ako tumigil.
My baby left me... And she left me without even saying good bye. Napapikit ako at muling inalala ang lahat ng mga nangyari matapos ang tawag ni Zydney.
Hinawi ko ang lahat ng mga taong nakakasalubong ko mapuntahan lang kinaroroonan ni Karsyn. Pakiramdam ko ay humihiwalay na ang katinuan ko sa aking pagkatao. Kahit na ramdam ko ang malamig na sahig ng hospital na 'yon ay pakiramdam ko'y lumulutang ako. Pakiramdam ko, isa akong dahon na tinatangay ng malakas na hangin at walang direksiyon. For once, I feel like I was lost...
"Asher!" unang tumayo si Mr. Sy sumunod si Zydney na hindi na matigil sa pag-iyak nang madaanan ko sila sa hallway ng hospital malapit sa OR.
"Where is she?" akmang aalis na ako para hanapin siya pero madali nila akong napigilan.
"Asher–"
"Where is she? Please tell me." pumiglas ako.
"Asher, it's too late. Ginawa ng mga doctor ang lahat ng kaya nilang gawin pero hindi pa man nauumpisahan ang operasyon ay bumigay na si–"
"Tell me where the fuck she is, Zydney!" malakas at umaalingawngaw kong putol sa kanya.
Hindi ako naniniwala. Hangga't hindi ko nakikita si Karsyn ay hindi ako maniniwala. Mali sila. Hindi totoo ang lahat! Nagkakamali lang sila!
"Asher, hijo, kumalma ka." umatras ako ng makita ang paglapit sa akin ng kanyang ama na kahit nagpapakatatag ay alam kong durog na durog na rin ngayon.
Hindi ko na hinintay ang sasabihin nila. Kahit na ramdam ko ang panginginig ng katawan ko ay pinilit kong pumunta sa operating room. Sakto namang kalalabas lang doon ng kanyang doctor pero hindi ko hinintay ang mga salita niya. Patakbo kong pilit na binuksan ang mabigat na pintuan at naabutan ang isang lalaking nakakulay asul na hospital gown na akmang tatakpan na ang babaeng natutulog sa harapan niya.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" kumaripas ako ng takbo palapit rito upang pigilan siya sa gagawin.
Malakas ko siyang tinulak palayo kay Karsyn.
"Baby, I'm here! Karsyn wake up!" niyugyog ko ang kanyang katawan at tinapik ang kanyang pisngi.
Nanginig ang kamay ko ng maramdaman ang kanyang katawan. She's starting to get cold... Goddamn it!
"No no no no! Baby, wake up! Please wake up!" nilakasan ko ang pagyugyog sa kanyang katawan na kahit alam pumapasok na sa utak kong totoo nga ang mga sinasabi nila ay ayaw ko pa ring maniwala.
Pinigilan ko ang maluha dahil alam kong kapag lumuha ako ay hindi ko na 'yon kailanman mapipigilan!
"Baby, I'm here and I have a lot of gifts for you... Gising na." pagmamakaawa ko.
She didn't.
"Karsyn naman! Gumising ka na parang awa mo na! Karsyn!" mas malakas kong sabi habang sumisikip na ng sobra ang aking dibdib.
Inangat ko siya sa kama at agad na niyakap ng mahigpit pero kahit anong gawin ko ay hindi ito nagbigay ng kahit na anong tanda ng buhay.
"Asher, tama na–"
"Get the fuck away from me!" hiyaw ko ng maramdaman ang pagsidatingan ng ilan pang empleyado ng hospital para pigilan ako pero sa pagkakataong iyon ay imposible ang ginagawa nila.
"Karsyn! Please wake up! I'm finally here! Gumising ka na! Nandito na 'ko!" paulit-ulit kong sabi ngunit ng wala pa rin ay doon na mabilis na nagsilaglagan ang mga luha sa mata ko.
Ibinalik ko siya at inayos sa kama at pagkatapos ay walang ano-ano'y idiniin ang mga kamay ko sa kanyang dibdib. I know I'm doing it correctly dahil ito ang napag-aralan kong tamang pagsalba noong binabantayan ko siya.
"Come on! Wake up! You can't just leave me! You promised me! You promised me! Sabi mo hindi mo ako iiwan kaya gumising ka! Panindigan mo lahat ng mga pangako mo! Tangina naman Karsyn!" malakas kong sigaw sa gumagaralgal at nanghihinang boses habang patuloy ang pag diin ng mga kamay sa kanyang dibdib.
Lumakas ang ingay sa loob ng silid kasabay ng pagdami ng mga kamay na pumipigil sa akin sa ginagawa pero bigo sila. Ang ilang mga gamit sa loob ng lugar ay nagkalat sa sahig dahil sa pagwawala ko habang pilit nilang hinahawakan at inaalis rito.
Damang dama kong pinupunit ang puso ko. I can't breathe but I don't want to stop. I know I can still save her! I know I can!
Nang mapadpad ang mga mata ko sa kanyang doctor ay mabilis ko itong dinuro!
"Save her! You promised that you'll save her no matter what kaya gawin mo! Putang ina gawin mo!" sigaw ko rito na ngayon ay umiiyak na rin at walang magawa kung hindi ang panuorin lang akong naghihinagpis.
"Wala kang kwenta! Pare-parehas kayong walang kwenta!" pagpapatuloy ko habang pilit na pumipiglas sa mga taong nakahawak sa'kin.
"Bitiwan niyo ko! Let me be with her! She's still alive! Buhay pa si Karsyn kaya bitiwan niyo 'ko!" I couldn't control myself anymore.
I remember punching every guy who touched me. Dahil sa lakas ko ay wala na silang nagawa kung hindi ang hayaan akong bumalik at yakapin ang walang buhay na si Karsyn.
"Baby..." hindi ko nakilala ang namamaos na boses na lumabas sa aking mga labi.
"Mr. Right is already here... Please wake up..." pagod na pagod ko nang sabi pagkatapos ng matagal na kumosyon.
"Karsyn naman... Hindi ko kaya.... Hindi ko kakayanin kaya please... Gumising ka."
Tanging ang mga hikbi ko at nang ilang naroon ang bumubuhay sa tahimik na silid. Pagod kong inilapag ang katawan niya pabalik sa kama at ibinaon ang aking mukha sa kanyang leeg habang doon ibinubuhos ang lahat ng pighating nararamdaman. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapahagulgol. I kissed her hair, her cheeks and even her lips... Humigpit ang yakap ko nang maramdaman ang panghihina ng aking mga tuhod.
"Maniniwala na ako..." nanginginig ang aking tinig ngunit hindi iyon naging dahilan para huminto ako. "Paniniwalaan at gagawin ko ang lahat ng gusto mo bumalik ka lang. Please, baby... Bumalik ka na sa'kin. Parang awa mo na hindi ko kaya. You can't die. You can't leave me... Baby, you just cant so please... Gising na..." pagmamakaawa ko sa gitna ng paghagulgol.
"We're still ticking all the things you wrote on your bucket list. Ililibot pa kita sa buong mundo. Marami pa tayong pupuntahan, tutulungan... Pakakasalan pa kita..." mariin kong kinagat ang labi ko pero talagang nag-uumalpas doon ang aking mga hagulgol.
Mas humigpit pa ang yakap ko sa kanya pero gaya kanina, wala. Wala na talaga. Wala na si Karsyn. She's dead... And she died without me.
Marahas kong inilapag ang naubos na alak at muling nagbukas ng isa. Sinindihan ko rin ang sigarilyong hawak ko at walang ano-anong hinithit iyon.
"Ang daya mo..." mahina at nakatulala sa kawalan kong bulong. "Ang daya daya mo, baby...." I said bitterly. Mas mapait pa sa alak na nilalagok ko.
It's been a week since she left us pero ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na dalawin siya. Pagkatapos ng nangyari sa hospital ay hindi na ako nagpakita. I was in denial. Hindi ako naniniwalang wala na siya kaya lumayo ako. I didn't visit her wake. Nanatili akong nakakulong sa kwarto at umaasang hindi na rin magising gaya niya. I asked the God of the Gods to take me nang sa gayon ay makasama ko si Karsyn but he didn't. Maybe Karsyn was right, hindi nakikinig 'yon sa mga taong hindi naniniwala. Napangiti ako ng mapait at nagpatuloy sa paghithit buga sa sigarilyong hawak ko.
I continued puffing the cigarette on my left hand and drinking the alcohol on my right. Nang maubos ang isang stick at mabalik ang atensiyon ko sa aking telepono ay pagod ko iyong kinuha at pinindot para panuorin ang huling video na naka-post sa kanyang channel matapos itong mailagak sa lugar na 'to.
"Hola, it's KF..." nakangiti ngunit seryoso niyang bungad sa video na 'yon. Ibang iba sa lahat ng mga videos niya.
Matagal bago siya nakapagsalita ulit. Ilang beses siyang humugot ng malalim na paghinga upang kumuha ng lakas sa mga susunod na sasabihin. My heart ached more when her smile widened.
Baby, bumalik ka na... Pagod na akong wala ka... Pagod na pagod na.
"By the time you're watching this, I'm on my way up to heaven..." napapikit ako sa narinig pero hindi ko nagawang patayin ang video. "And I want to thank all of you for supporting me until the end. Thank you so much for making my last life worth living. Kung hindi dahil sa inyo, hindi magiging makabuluhan ang huling buhay kong ito. You helped me do things I never imagined I'm capable of doing. Utang ko sa inyo ang lakas, inspirasyon at tapang sa pagharap sa lahat ng ito kaya maraming maraming salamat..." mabagal niyang sambit sa mga huling salita.
Sa pagdilat ko ay sakto ang muli niyang pag ngiti sa camera.
"Thank you for being a part of the life that I'm so proud of. This is not a good bye video. I may not be here on earth physically but know that I'm always up there guiding all of you from the kingdom of God," humithit ulit ako at uminom ng alak.
"By the time you're watching this I'm already healed. I'm healthy and I'm in a place where we can only find the perfect love. Huwag kayong malulungkot dahil malulungkot rin ako. I want you to be happy because I'm with the Lord and there's no place I'd rather be than in his kingdom,"
"To those who are depressed and thinking about ending their life, I want you to take a step back and contemplate... I want you to think of me... The kids who only have limited time on earth because of incurable sickness. The people who needed surgeries after surgeries just to survive. Think of the people who wants to live and experience the goodness of life but didn't get a chance to do it. Isipin mo kung gaano ka ka-swerte dahil hanggang ngayon ay binibigyan ka pa rin ng Diyos ng pagkakataong baguhin ang lahat ng ayaw mo sa buhay mo. God is still giving you a chance to be the best that you can be and all you need to do is to take that chance, renew yourself and have faith in him."
"One of the things that I've learned in this journey is to not focus on the negativity because that will only lead to a negative life. Learn how to take care of yourself more than you take care of other people. Fill your hearts with goodness so you can never be empty. I know life is hard but hang in there. You can do it. Remember that nothing in this world is permanent and what you're experiencing right now is just a phase and one day, you'll finally get through it. Don't waste the precious gift of life just because of a painful experience and think of what you'll be missing if you decide to end your journey now. I know you're tired. I know you've been fighting with your own demons and you're losing sometimes. I know right now you'd rather leave than live and even though I'm not standing in your shoes, even though I don't know you, and even though I have no right at all, I'm asking you to choose life. I'm asking you to stay and just keep going even if life keeps knocking you down. Don't ever blame yourself. It's not your fault you feel this way. You know, life can really be awful and sometimes nothing about it feels fair but there will still moments that are so wonderful you'll be so glad you stayed. You're going to be okay. I promise there are so many wonderful things waiting for you and sometimes they happen just minutes away from when you feel at your lowest. Think of your goal. Think of what you'll be missed when you choose to leave... Your loved ones. The people who values you... Your dreams... You, in the future,"
Muli siyang ngumiti.
"I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in a place where you are being surrounded by the people you love. Imagine that stage that you'll dominate when you finally get that diploma. Imagine running your own company. Imagine meeting your soul mate and sitting beside his/her while watching your little kids playing in front of you. Imagine growing old with that person and feeling all the love in the world... And Imagine being the best, healed and loved version of yourself because that will be you someday... I may not know what exactly you're going through right now but trust me... One day, you will live a life you always dreamed of living no matter how messy things look today," positibo siyang nakipagtitigan sa camera sa huling pagkakataon bago muling nagpatuloy habang buong pusong nakangiti.
"Just keep going... Seek first the kingdom of God. Trust, have faith and live for him. Live for us... Live for me,"
Isinandal ko ang aking katawan sa malamig na pader at tinapos ang sigarilyong hawak.
"Don't forget to check on your loved ones today. Don't forget to make them feel valued and loved. Extend the goodness of your heart and always be sensitive to others. Remember, we are all given just a limited time on earth so make the most out of it. Love when you can, help when you feel the need to and always choose the goodness of life so that this world will become a better place,"
Kinuha niya ang camera at mabagal na pumikit bago sambitin ang mga huling salita.
"Once again this is KF... And I'm now officially signing off." masaya niyang pagtatapos bago patayin ang camera.
Pakiramdam ko'y nabingi ako sa katahimikan ng mawala ang boses niya. Pinilit kong ibaling ang aking mga mata pabalik sa salamin kung saan naroon ang kulay rose gold na urn na kanyang kinalalagyan katabi ng kanyang ina at mga kapatid.
It was dated September 8... Pumikit ako ng mariin ngunit matapang na dumilat ulit para titigan ang pangalan niyang nakaukit sa makinis na salamin.
Karsyn Faith Rivas Sy...
Inihilig ko ang aking ulo sa dingding na aking sinasandalan at pagkatapos ay inangat ang hawak kong alak. Patuloy kong nilunod ang sarili ko sa bisyong alam kong hinding hindi ko na matatakasan. Ang bisyong tanging alam ko at ang bisyong habang buhay ko nang sasamahan... Because my only vice, my baby, and my everything already left me... and no amount of everything will bring her back to life. Nobody can ever bring her back to me.
Mapait akong napangiti at pagod na inangat ang bote ng alak na iniinom ko para ipantay sa gawi ng babaeng iniwan na ako.
"Cheers, baby... Cheers..." I said bitterly followed by my unending tears.
➖💛THE END💛➖
©️CENG CRDVA
2019