Hide, don't seek
"Saang lupalop ba ito ng mundo at bakit ang hirap naman ata hanapin ng signal?" inis na sambit ko nang hinablot ang isang Samsung Guru Music 2 na kanina pa pilit itinataas ni Von sa ere.
"Kainis, ah. Lulunurin ko 'to sa dagat. Bwesit." gigil na hinawakan ko ang bwesit na cellphone na kanina pa naming hinahanapan ng signal. Narito kami sa isang mahabang highway na nasa gitna ng isang sakahan di kalayuan sa kinaruruonan ng bahay nina Aling Martha. Meron naman talagang signal pero lagging isang bar lang at minsan aya nawawala dahil nga sa maambon na panahon.
This place could have been such an aesthetic view if it weren't for the rain and the cloud covering the majestic view of the Island's famous volcano. And I don't think any words can justify the beauty of this place. The long and peaceful highway in the middle of a rice field with nothing but pure tress on the other end while on the other was the aesthetic beauty of the ocean shores.
It was too much, too much beauty that sometimes it starts to suffocate me. The exact reason why I tend to cover it by keeping myself busy from finding a way to contact Azrael or Tinashee.
"Init ng ulo ni Madame. Akin na nga po." Von chuckled and slowly grabbed the poor phone from my tight grip. I roll my eyes at the nothingness.
"Lumayo ka nga! Chansing nito." I shouted when I felt his hand brushed on mine. Ang kapal talaga ng manyak na ito!
"Wow. Grabe, chansing agad?"
"Bakit, hindi ba?!" marahas na baling ko sa bwesit. Ngiting ngiti naman ang Gago habang tumitingkayad na tinataas ang kamay sa ere. Inambahan ko siya na siyang nagpatawa sa kaniya. Aba, akala ata nagbibiro ako.
"Slight lang." he smiled again while motioning his index finger and thumb together on his other free hand using that 'pa-cute' smile which really irritates me to the core.
"Lulusot ka pa." bulong ko at pairap na humalukipkip at bumaling ulit sa napakagandang tanawin sa Binaliwan. We stayed there standing for a couple of minutes when the rain starts to pour again. Tumingala ako at kitang kita ang bawat malalaking tulo ng ulan na tatama sa direksyon ko.
"Umuulan!" I shouted as I was about to turn around to go back on the house. Kahit na siguradong basang-basa pa rin kami pagkarating sa bahay ni Aling Martha dahil medyo malayu-layo rin ang nilakad naming para sa bwesit na signal na ito.
"Bumalik na tayo sa bahay!"
Naisip ko ang humihilom ko ng sugat. Damn it, baka bumuka ulit ito at dumugo, or worst, baka tuluyan ng itong magka-inpeksyon dahil sa tubig ulan!
"VON KHENRY MONTEJAR, ANO BA? SABING BUMALIK NA TAYO EH."
Natigil ako sa ilang hakbang ko ng maramdamang hindi sumusunod si Von sa akin. I look back at him and he was happily dancing like a child on the rain. I shouted again his name but he only look at me and smiled. Nilahad niya ang isang kamay sa akin na nagpahakbang ng isang beses sa akin patalikod.
The invisible bile on my throat as I look at his calm eyes looking straight at me while his hands offered comfort on this cold rain gave me that unexplainable feeling in me, something that made me swallow.
"Bahala ka jan magpaulan! Mamamatay ka sa lagnat, Gago ka." I shouted and turn my heels to leave. This feeling I am feeling around Von Khenry Montejar is just too much to bare. Kotang-kota na ako ngayong araw. Tama na.
"Damn it! Ano ba?!" Hindi na ako nagulat ng maramdaman ko ang mainit na kamay niyang dumapo sa braso ko upang iharap. It was like a subconscious guess or more so, a sure guess. Ganito naman talaga siya, the more I neglect him, the more he become perseveres.
"Ang KJ nito! Sige na, Madame, please. Ngayon lang naman ito oh. Basa na rin naman tayo kahit gaano kabilis natin tumakbo pabalik sa bahay ni Aling Martha. Might as well, let's just enjoy the rain while it last!" he laughed and tried to raise both our hands on the air, feeling the drops of the pouring rain.
"Come on, Airess Zhail! Have fun while we have a chance! We'll never know what tomorrow will brings us! So for now, be young and alive!"
And that caught my tongue. What he just said was like a slap from my youth, a moment where my inner-young-self woke up from sleeping for so long. Maybe that was a price for maturing too early, experiencing life at its hardest at a very young age was my slap to reality to always be critical, to forget the kind of typical fun but get to have fun on the adrenaline in the middle of a dangerous mission. The fun of getting to play and put the lives of the bad people on my own hands. Not realizing that I had forgotten to experience a fragment of living a life with no worries but to just be alive.
Or maybe, once did I felt and experience it. But then, it was so long gone now. All were thrown away by the piled-up hardships and pain. The misery and the harsh reality of my life that kept my heads up to focus on my priority. And that is to kill to protect. An oath that I swore in my name. A responsibility of the duty I was tasked to do.
And one of the things I learned in life is to simply savor one in a lifetime moments. And this, dancing and having the chance to savor the rain is not really a daily mood for me. So yeah, for the first after all my misery, I felt alive again. In the middle of the rain as I laugh and play like the little kid I once were with Von Khenry Montejar.
"Hindi mo ako mahuhuli, Boy!" I laughed and run. The splashes of the water on the ground did not even bother me.
Sa ilang minuto naming paghahabulan at asaran sa gitna ng malakas na ulan ay biglang tumigil si Von. We were playing tag and he was chasing me as I laugh so hard every time he slipped. I stop just a few meters away from him and he was just there, standing amidst the rain, all so wet and panting from all the chasing, staring at me as if he was savoring the moment too.
At wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ay tumingin din sa kaniyang mga mata. Ewan ko ba pero sa tuwing tumitingin ako sa kaniyang mata ay parang... napakapayapa ng mundo. The peace and contentment I always feel only in his eyes. Only, in then comfort of his eyes.
"You know, you can always count on me." He mumbled after a few seconds of silence. Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko nang Makita ko siyang humahakbang palapit sa direksyon ko. Habang ako, wala, walang ginawa. My mind was screaming at me to move and run but something deep inside of me tells me to just do nothing, to just stand there and wait, just for this time.
"Starting today, until the end of this lifetime and next... I, Von Khenry Valiente Montejar, promised to be with Airess Zhail Roselle and to protect her no matter what, in life or by death, I will keep her safe."
"Together, until the end... Always." His whisper was like silent promise of peace and contentment. It was something that I have always wanted to have, something so soothing. A comfort of warmth in the coldness of the rain, a water to a burning flame, a calm to my storm.
Sa gitna ng malawak na sakahan, ang magandang tanawin ng Mt. Hibok-Hibok na natatabunan ng ulap sa gilid namin at sa lilim ng ulan, muling nagising ang pusong akala ko'y hindi na kailanman mabubuhay. Sa kamay na mainit na nakapalibot sa akin, sa mga matang puno ng iba't ibang emosyon, sa piling ng lalaking nagnga-ngalang si Von Khenry Montejar.
If only our lives were as easy as the life we are having here. If only it was ...
Hindi ko mapigilang mapairap sa kawalan pero ang nakakainis ay hindi ko rin mapigilan na may bakas ng multo ng ngiti sa labi ng dahil sa nakikita. Von was stupidly singing a very loud song in the center as some men and women were dancing a funny choreo. Sa maagang oras ng alas otso ng gabi ay purong mga lasing na ang mga tao rito pagkatapos ng isang maghapon na kantahan at inuman.
It has been a day since I woke up from that terrible 2 days of being unconsciousness. If only I was immediately treated through scientifically method then maybe I wouldn't last for a day to be unconscious. But if it wasn't for the Mang Tony aka "Doctor kwakwak" of this town who treated my wound then I don't know what could have happen.
And well... fine. Without Von Khenry Montejar's help, then maybe I will surely still be in those woods, bloody and dying under that big Narra Tree surrounded by Coconut tress. But, whatever. I'd rather have my tongue cut out than feed the ego of this brute by thanking him.
It was kinda refreshing to see the joy in their eyes despite the simplicity of their life. Gigising ng madaling araw para magtrabaho at pagtungtong ng alas 3 ng hapon ay magtitipon-tipon sila rito sa malawak na kubong videokihan ni Aling Martha upang magkantahan at inuman. Lalo na yung mga taga kabilang isla ng Mantigue ay sinasadya iyon dito.
And even the fact that they have to put a five peso coin on the videoke machine before inputting 3 different songs has amazed me. I had never been into any provincial missions, aside from those on other countries; there is just a big gap of difference.
Parang... masyadong inosente ang Islang ito kumpara sa masalimuot na buhay ng syudad. It gave me the vibes of wanting to be... innocent.
Damn. I can almost hear my subconscious laughing at what I am thinking.
I'm far from being innocent in life. I have experienced the reality of life at the early age and the hard way, a really hard way. It was something that has scarred me, a constant reminder of what I have oath. A lifetime reminder to keep myself dedicated to what I expected to do, to finish my mission, and jeopardize those who wished to endanger the Family.
I was one of the knights, the front liners who are mandated to kill in order to protect. Like Eris of Greek, the goddess of strife and discord. A willing violent wind who will bring chaos on those who wished to go against our Family's vision just to clear the path.
It was a very hard position but I choose this path and I gave my oath, willingly without a doubt.
But here, having the privilege to experience the innocence and simplicity of life here, even just for a while and despite the truth behind before coming here, have reminded me of the life of a youth that I never get to experience.
And maybe that was it I had lived with the sadness for a long time that I had neglected the chances of having to experience something that could have been amazing. I had set my mind to the kind of thinking that just because my past was full of shits, what difference could the future be?
And maybe I was wrong, I was wrong because the future holds whats the aftermath of your today. And today, just for a single fragment of this moment... I wanted to be save from the dept of this sadness.
Maybe--just maybe, if given a chance, I would like to stay here. And for sure, Azrael and the gang would love to join.
"Oh, sa imong baje na ang kanta oh!" o
ne drunk old man near where Von is standing pointed at my direction. Hindi napigilan ng mga mata ko ang mapasulyap sa iilang babaeng nasa harap at kanina pa tuwang tuwa sa damuhong si Von Khenry Montejar na kumakanta nang bigla silang sabay-sabay na nagsilingunan.
Kay sarap sanang pag untugin ng apat na babaeng ito nang lantaran silang patingin-tingin sa direction ko at magbubulungan. Oh those eyes, I badly want to bury my fingers deep in those. It was so obvious they were drooling over the stupid man who is drunkenly singing and laughing with the elders.
But then I remember, I choose my own battles and this one is just too pity to even dare give my attention. So, whatever. Mamatay sila sa kakalaway sa bwesit na Von Khenry Montejar na ito.
"Oh , Babe. Kanta mo 'to?" the brute asked, pointing at the videoke monitor.
Uminit na naman ang letseng pisngi ko nang makita ang ngising nasa mga labi niya na parang nangunguya. I roll my eyes and stood up as I went near hear to grab the microphone on his hand.
Tangina. Bakit nga ulit ako kakanta? Ah oo, dahil kanina pa ako nakatungangang nakatanaw at nakikinig sa mga kanta nilang wala sa tono. At dahil na rin sa pangungulit ng mga matatandang babae lalo na ni Aling Martha na kaarawan pala ngayon.
Well, I prefer being with the elder women rather than those girls who clearly would prefer fantasizing Von Khenry 'fucking' Montejar who would surely be a nominee for the 'manwhore of the generation' along with his stupid friend Nikko Leiron and yeah, maybe that asswhole-- Shiro Montefalcon has the bigger chance for winning the title.
Damn it.
I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard
I cleared my throat when there's that invisible bile again. Closing my eyes, I savored the song I constantly listen on Spotify.
God, keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown
One of my life-song. A song that reminds me to stay out of trouble, but then it seems like trouble was my middle name.
So pull me up from down below
'Cause I'm underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most
God, keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
There were days I used to think, how does it actually feels to be on other people's shoe? Someone who has that simple and typical life. The one whose life was far so different on mine. A simpler life where she could actually experience youth.
Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown
Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Keep my head above water, above water
And I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever
And I can't breathe
And then there was moments when I think, what does it feels to actually have someone to lean on? I mean , other than having Azrael and the gang, someone who I can confidently be vulnerable and share my deep thoughts without troubling them. No offense to Azrael, Damon, Hades, Tinashee and Persephone but, if only I was given a choice, I will never get them involve to any of these. I wanted them to experience the life that has been neglected to me. The peace and the youth we were all neglected to have just because of the path we choose.
God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I'll be waiting
I'm too young to fall asleep
God, keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
I never wanted them to be imprison to the life we have now. I wanted them to be free and experience true happiness and adrenaline of a safe adventure. Far from the line of danger we get the moment we get a mission. A life without killing, a life without a priority of protection.
Don't let me drown
Don't let me drown (don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown)
Don't let me drown (don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown)
I want them to experience this, the kind of happiness I get to experience despite the simplicity of life here. The kind of happiness I felt in the short period of time I spent with Von Khenry Montejar, regardless how temporary this bubble we have now, away from the chaos of my reality. I want them to have this kind of happiness, permanently.
Keep my head above water, above water
If only I could live a life where I can just totally hide without having to burden anyone to seek, because I know, knowing the kind of life I have, even my enemies will surely hunt me down. And the Family, hiding will mean one thing to them-- and that is betrayal to your oath to the emblem. And betraying the emblem means treason, regardless the status you hold among the Family.
Now, can I really sacrifice my oath for this unsure bubble of happiness? I... don't know.
Maybe someday, I can. But not now, not for Von Khenry Montejar's bubble of happiness.
---
SONG USED: HEAD ABOVE WATER BY AVRIL LAVIGNE