f o r t y - t w o
*
I am utterly spent. I have nothing left to give. I can barely breathe right, splayed across the bed on my back, chest heaving and brain whirling, my whole body rendered limp and useless and slick with a sheen of sweat. Arjun collapses by my side and I roll over to kiss him, my leg hooked over his waist, until I forget how to breathe and I have to break away.
"Now I get what all the fuss is about," Arjun says, sucking in a deep breath and letting it out hard. He grabs a tissue and pulls off his condom and kisses me again, and when he moves, easing me onto my back and looming over me, the bed knocks against the wall we share with Carrie and Ade.
I didn't notice that when I was wrapped up in him and only now does a flicker of embarrassment sink in: they probably heard everything. Every grunt and groan and gasp, every bump of the headboard against the wall.
"If they're in their room, then they definitely know what just happened," I say.
"I don't give a fuck."
He leans over and kisses my chest and my neck, his hand in my hair, and I can feel that he's ready to go again, pressing against my hip. He's breathing hard, his chest grazing mine each time he fills his lungs, but he's not done. Third time's a charm, I think, when I touch him and he gasps.
The first time was as expected, considering I was already fit to burst and it was his first time having sex: desperate kissing became fumbled groping, until he pushed into me and I almost came right then. It didn't last long before Arjun sank onto his elbows and apologised, and I kissed him and laughed as I told him that he lasted twice as long as my first time.
Lily and I were both awkward fifteen-year-olds wit raging hormones and it was a miracle it wasn't over the second she touched me. Arjun laughed when I told him that and he nuzzled my cheek, touching me as he kissed my jaw and I pulled his bottom lip between my teeth, almost biting straight through it when he pushed me over the edge.
The second time blew my mind, when he took me in his mouth and explored with his hand after he asked what I liked, and I told him, and he did exactly that. After I showed him the ropes, he took swift control with soft hands and a hard body, and I couldn't keep quiet when he filled me for a second time. I learnt with George that I enjoy myself a lot more if I'm not trying to stifle every noise, and I could stay quiet with what Arjun was doing to me.
Now, after fifteen minutes of recovery – lazy kissing and trailing hands and conversation quieter than our groans – I reach for the box on the bedside table and Arjun takes out a condom, but I take it from his hand. When I roll it on him, he lets out a shuddered breath and presses his mouth to mine as he sinks into me. My back arches, an involuntary cry of pleasure leaping from me as he steals my breath.
When I get it back, I take control and push him onto his back so I'm straddling him, his hands on my hips and his eyes, wide and ecstasy-filled, fixed on mine. He has marks on his back from my fingers digging in to pull him close, crescent bites from my nails almost breaking his skin when I came for the second time.
A couple of minutes in, I hear unmistakeably similar sounds coming from next door, the room belonging to Carrie and Ade. Muffled bumps and moans that should be a turnoff, but they have the opposite effect: I drop my hand and Arjun pulls me down, his arms wrapped around me.
"Is that turning you on?" he asks, and I can't lie because it's really fucking obvious that it is. I nod. He swallows hard and arches up to meet me, wrapping his hand around me with a slow stroke, and he whispers, "Me too."
*
It's late when I drag my weary, sore-in-the-best-way body from a second shower to bed. Arjun follows, hanging his towel on a hook, and he gets in next to me. Eases me onto my side and wraps his arms around me in a warm embrace as he kisses my neck and his hand brushes over my ribs. I've never been so worn out, never seen how much my body can do when it really wants to. I take Arjun's hand away from my chest and entwine our fingers and kiss his knuckles.
I ache all over, my thighs sore and my neck cramping, but it's a satisfied kind of pain, the kind from a night well-spent, the kind that makes me feel alive – and dies away when I let go of Arjun's hand, which he trails over my stomach. A million butterflies are unleashed at once and I turn my head to kiss him, to swallow him up.
"I love you," he murmurs, his hand flat over my bellybutton, holding me to him.
My heart stops. I replay what I just heard, wonder if I got it right. Then my pulse throbs at triple speed, cantering out of control, and I want to say the words back to him – I need to – but not while I'm facing away from him. As comfortable as I am with his arms around me, as much as I don't want to move, I have to. I roll over, his arm still draped over me, so that our faces are inches apart and I have to hook my leg over his.
"I love you too."
It's dark and he's not wearing his glasses so he can't see me well at all – he told me his regular vision without glasses is like driving in a rainstorm without windscreen wipers – but his grin broadens, and he finds my lips with his fingers, cups my cheek, kisses me gently.
When we part, I nudge him to roll over so I can enclose him in my arms, wrapped around his body, and I inhale the nape of his neck, warm and damp after our shower when I held him and washed him and made him come one more time. It feels right to lie here with him in my arms, to love him and be loved by him, to be his boyfriend, as he falls asleep. Heavy breathing is interspersed with incoherent mumbling and I wonder what he's dreaming about. And then he says my name, and I know.
*
It's time for the last breakfast, around a big table in the hotel restaurant before checkout. Arjun and I will be moving to a different hotel, the one his sister booked for him long before he knew I'd be joining him. Cancelling my hostel meant I lost my five-pound deposit, but I'm pretty sure it's worth it for two more nights with him.
Seeing Carrie and Ade could be awkward, and I cringe of the thought of last night – listening to them and liking it – but when they appear hand-in-hand, the last ones to join, Carrie just gives me a sly grin. We heard them and they heard us, and she knows we both had a pretty fucking great night.
Today, everyone disperses. Sam's staying a couple of days before driving back home with Jude; Carrie and Ade are catching their first train tonight; Brannan's heading to the airport in an hour to fly to New York. This evening, Kristin and Klara start their next trek from a motel near San Francisco Airport, so they'll be gone by four, and Young-mi's leaving at eight to catch her late flight to Los Angeles.
I can't bear to see everyone go, but I know now more than ever that I'll be back. No matter what, I'll be back in this country to join Young-mi for another trek and a year may feel like forever away, but I pray Arjun will come back with me too. I pray that we'll last, that this isn't a holiday romance fuelled by the fire of being together twenty-four seven for two weeks. I pray that he won't get home and shed his rose-tinted glasses.
We sit. I shift a little to find a comfortable position, my body in shock after last night, having got used to a complete lack of action. Arjun notices and tilts his head ever so slightly.
"You ok?"
"Very. Bit sore. Hard chairs are a pain in the arse."
Light dances in his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching as though desperate to make a wisecrack. But he holds back a joke and nudges my foot under the table, and acts all innocent as her surveys the menu.
This isn't a regular hotel breakfast buffet, where we take a plate to trays of limp bacon and watery eggs, but actual table service breakfast. I'm not particularly hungry, put on edge by the fact that everyone's leaving, but I know I'll regret not eating.
Once everyone's here, Young-mi sitting too far away for me to quiz her, I order strawberry and maple syrup pancakes and Arjun settles for poached eggs on an English muffin with spinach and hollandaise sauce. What arrives is unlike any kind of muffin I've ever seen, nor is it a proper crumpet, but Arjun passes me a mouthful and whatever it is, it's pretty good.
"Sharing cutlery now, are we?" Klara teases when I take a bite of Arjun's fork.
"Well, considering everything else we've shared..." I trail off and she grins a wicked grin at my insinuation. Carrie snorts; Ade gives me a look that seems to be a mix of amusement and approval.
"He's a very clean boy," Arjun says, stealing a forkful of my pancakes. My cheeks go warm but I offset my blush with a grin. He's not wrong; he made sure of that last night.
"Anyway," Sam says. "This is where our time together comes to an end, and I just want to say a few words before you all start dropping like flies. I may do this all the time, and I may meet hundreds of people every year, but I never grow tired of leading groups like this one. You're all here for different reasons, from different places, but you'll leave with this journey in common – and I think some of you will be leaving in a very different state to the one you came in."
He glances at Carrie and Ade; Arjun and me; Young-mi and Klara, and he laughs. "You know, I've only led one other trek that resulted in romance, but this trip seems to have been a matchmaker."
And I couldn't be more thankful of it.
"I'm not going to bang on too long, but I hope that you've all found this to be a worthy trek and that you've loved it as much as I have, regardless of injuries and unplanned detours."
Agreement roars; glasses clink; food is finished. Emotions swell up and Kristin laughs when a tear wells and rolls down her cheek, much to her sister's amusement. Sam reluctantly moves to the admin side, an envelope of feedback forms hat he passes around, and I know from the pre-trip forums that this is when we're supposed to tip the leader.
I slip a fifty into the envelope. Arjun digs through what's left in his wallet and I can't count the bills that fast but I know it's more than fifty, and everyone ells adds cash as they fill out their form. I'd give more if I could: Sam deserves everything, and I'm glad to see Young-mi slip in what looks like at least a couple of fifty dollar bills.
It's a lot when the trip was already expensive, but it's more than worth it for Sam's knowledge and expertise, his care and his conversation and his company. Brannan may have been the quietest on this trip, so few words uttered to the group, but he drops in two fifties with a shy smile that he keeps to himself. Sam isn't watching as this goes on, busying himself with his phone while we evaluate and tip, and I hope it'll put a smile on his face when he checks later.
And then Brannan has to leave. Just like that, it's over. We're no longer under Sam's care, and Brannan is the first to melt away. In less than three hours, he'll be on a plane to New York to meet his dads and part of me is envious because I'm desperate to see my family, no matter how little I want to leave San Francisco, but I can't bear the thought of a ten-hour flight and a three-hour train to get home.
Sam leaves to meet up with Jude, and Carrie and Ade head off together, and Young-mi is spending the day with the twins before they head off. So, for the next six hours or so, it's just Arjun and me versus San Francisco before we meet up with the girls at four.
First port of call: our next hotel, all the way across the city. As we sit at the bus stop after checking out, I feel my shoulders slump and Arjun leans against me, our bags at our feet.
"Weird, huh?"
"Mmm. I feel kind of empty." I cross my arms, hugging myself, and try not to let it get to me that I'll probably never see Carrie or Ade or Brannan or Sam ever again.
"I can help with that," he says, and I laugh because I love this side of him, but I still feel like I've just lost a limb. Arjun slips his arm around my shoulders and says, "This isn't the end. We'll be back next year, right? We'll find another trip to do with Young-mi. Maybe we'll end up in Switzerland, and maybe Sam will decide to come to England."
"That'd be cool, yeah." I rest my head against his, staring at the grey streets in front of me. A few more minutes pass with no bus and Arjun huffs and gets out his phone.
"Screw the bus. We're getting an Uber."
*
Thirty minutes later, we've left our bags in storage at the hotel because we can't check in yet, and we're wandering down a gentle slope towards the piers at my snail pace, holding hands. As sad as I feel about the trip being over, I also feel kind of weightless walking around San Francisco holding my boyfriend's hand.
Nobody cares here. We're just two boys in love in a city where it feels like being queer is the norm: we pass two women kissing on a street corner; two guys are laughing together as they walk hand-in-hand. My heart is so full seeing pride flags everywhere, from shop windows to pin buttons, and I really do feel proud to be holding Arjun's hand, to be his in a city that celebrates and loves us.
San Francisco is awash with colour, from bright clothes to skin in every shade of black and brown and white. It's a magical feeling, something I didn't really realise I needed so badly until right now, right here, with my spirits so high I feel like I could float. I hold Arjun's hand a little tighter.
"Feeling better?"
"Mmhmm. I kind of feel like I want to set up a flagpole when I get home, fly my bi flag high, and tell the whole world that I'm in love with my boyfriend," I say. I'm not sure how my little town would take that, though. I love where I live, but it's pretty white and straight, as far as I can see.
"I like the sound of that." He chuckles and lifts up our joined hands, kisses my knuckles. "Is there a specific flag for not sure what I am but I'm definitely not straight?"
"Aside from the whole rainbow?" I grin. "If there is, this is probably the city to find it in. And you're lucky, you live in one of the gay capitals of the world. I bet you can find every kind of flag in Brighton windows, if you look hard enough."
"Oh, you don't have to look hard at all. That's always been one of my favourite things about Brighton, how everyone's free to be who they are and who they want to be. To be honest, I don't know how it's taken my this long to question myself."
I shrug. "To each their own, and then when you know, you know. Maybe you just needed the right guy to come along."
He laughs at my attempted wink. "Thank fuck for the series of events that had to line up in order for us to end up here." He slow a little when I do, trying to put less strain on my ankle. The twinging pain is tolerable, but it's usually a precursor to worse, and I don't want to push it.
Arjun must notice the wince I try to hide because he pulls me to a stop. "I have a surprise for you," he says.
"Is it a joke?"
"For once, no," he says, "though I have plenty more of those, so let me know when you need to exercise your eyes and I'll reel off a few more." He sits down on the edge of a wall and scoots back, and he sticks out his legs to catch me between his ankles and pull me closer, so I'm caught between his thighs. He puts his hands on my shoulders and there's a twinkle in his eye.
"Come on, then. What's the surprise?"
"Well, you know how there's a lot to see in San Francisco?"
"Yes."
"And you know how it's very hilly and rather exhausting?"
"Yes."
"And you know how you've got a bad ankle?"
"Yes, I'm well aware of all of those facts," I say. "Painfully so, I promise you."
"Well, I thought, what's the best way to see a city without having to walk miles and risk ruining your ankle even more?" He digs in the front pocket of his bag and pulls out a couple of slips of paper and waves them at me. "Open-top hop-on hop-off bus tour, good for forty-eight hours."
"You didn't!"
"I did."
"They're so expensive."
"Worth it," he says, tucking the tickets into his front pocket and draping his arms around me. "I want us to explore in style and comfort, and I'm not sure how capable I'd be at piggybacks once there's a hill involved."
A beam splits my face and I close the distance between us, cocooning him in a hug and kissing him. "Thank you."
"Any time."
"When did you even do this?"
"Yesterday, emailed the tickets to Sam and he got them printed." He kisses me again; I feel the curve of his smile. "Ready to hop on stop one, Fisherman's Wharf?"
I look up to see one of the unmistakeable red buses coming our way and I pull him to his feet, more than ready to simultaneously rest my ankle and see the sights. Gratitude pools in my chest, bowled over by his thoughtfulness, and I just want to wrap him in my arms but the bus is pulling up, ready to whisk us off around the city.
It's the perfect way to spend the day, one I hadn't even thought to consider, knowing how pricey these kinds of tours can be. The best way to while away the next six hours, until it's time to find the girls and send them off with one last hurrah. My heart dips a little at the thought, but it swells once more the moment I look back at Arjun. He's not going anywhere.
*
exactly four years ago today, i was on the first full day of this trek, driving from los angeles to san diego! i hope i'll be able to get the next one up for usual time on friday, though for those of you who didn't see my broadcast, i'm currently on holiday with my family for about 10 more days, which makes writing and posting difficult!
anyway, i hope you liked this chapter! there were things that were meant to happen that i didn't have space for so there's no way i'll be able to wrap this up in 50 chapters. maybe 55! also, it ended up a tad smuttier than i planned . . .