✾ Lavender ✾
The house phone rang, which confused me momentarily because I couldn't remember Ren and I having one. I answered anyway. "Hello?" I looked around and realized immediately.
"Hey, baby."
"Hey, mom." I smiled. It was a dream.
"You ok? You sound strange," she said. I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall. It was painted a faint, faded yellow color. Pictures of me when I was a kid, mom, and some of dad before he died covered the wall before me. I felt an ache that reached the deepest parts of me.
Losing them was not painful in the everyday sort of way. I could go without them in my life, could live without thinking about them constantly. No, what hurt most about it was all the important moments of my life to come. My future lost its luster without them in it. All the important things they would miss...
"I'm ok, mom," I reassured her. Though I knew it wasn't real, it felt like I was really talking to her. I wanted to tell her that I really was ok. Even if the world felt like it was falling apart and had been for a while, I finally had faith that I could withstand whatever was to come. I was terribly afraid to see Ren, but I wasn't afraid of whatever would come after. The way I looked at it, it was out of my hands at this point. The only thing I could do was tell the truth. "I'm good," I told her, hoping that wherever her beautiful soul was, she could truly hear me.
"Afraid my news might change that," she said. Her voice was a little too singsongy as if she were trying incredibly hard not to sound depressed.
"What's wrong?" I asked. This all felt really familiar, like bizarre deja vu.
"I'm in the hospital."
It didn't matter that it was a dream. My composure slipped and I panicked. "What do you mean? What happened? Are you ok?"
"I'm fine! I'm fine. Don't worry, ok?" she said, her voice rushed. "I was hit by a car."
"You WHAT?"
"Well, not hit necessarily. I was pushed out of the way! Can you believe that?"
"Someone saved you?" I asked.
"You betcha. A young man. I would have died without him, I swear," she said. She would have died without him; I knew why her words sounded familiar. This was a memory. It was a few years ago. She had called home with a broken arm, having shattered her ulna in the fall after the car missed her. I didn't know it at the time, but the fragility of her bones was the first sign of her cancer.
"I'll come to the hospital," I said. I hadn't known, at the time, that I would go on to spend weeks in the hospital with mom after she got sick. I'd felt such relief that she'd only broken an arm and nothing worse. It was a funny kind of unfair.
"You don't need to get me, if you're busy. I'm just being fit with a cast," she said. "The hero who saved my silly self is still here and he's offered to help me home."
"Well, all the more reason for me to come so that I can thank him. And don't make him stay if he's got things to do, mom. He's probably a busy guy."
"Oh, you worry too much."
"I do, so please don't move a muscle until I get there because apparently I can't trust you to walk down the street without breaking something," I joked.
She laughed. "Apparently not!"
"I love you, mom."
A piercing ringing masquerading as a gentler sound emitted from the phone receiver. I held it away from my ear, wincing. When it came again, I realized that it was the obnoxious tone indicating that the captain was about to speak over the plane's intercoms. He announced our descent, finally.
I hadn't realized what an impact returning to Florida would have on me, though I probably should have anticipated it. I hadn't had a dream like that in a while, one where mom's voice sounded so real and her presence so close.
I felt a bit queasy as the plane landed, gripping the armrests until the edges left little indents in my skin. I didn't like flying. I was still a bit in shock that Sallie had so easily convinced me to do this. Before I knew what I was really doing, I was thanking my professors for letting me take my finals early and hopping on this stupid plane to Florida. Once I'd decided, there hadn't been any second guessing. I was just on my way, grabbing the rent Ren had returned to me and pretending it would be enough to compensate for my complete lack of planning.
After the plane shuttered to a stop and I'd waited to get off of the infernal death machine for what felt like three centuries, I quickly left the airport. The air was much fresher than it was in New York. I grabbed a taxi and handed the driver the little slip of paper Sallie had pressed into my hand back home. It was the proper address of Ren's parents' home. She'd given me a cheshire cat sort of smile as she always did--the sort that just screams I know more than you--and told me to be brave.
As the taxi soared closer and closer to Ren, I felt my body start to shiver out of anxiety. I probably wasn't doing the right thing. I wasn't even sure if I was going to tell Ren the entire truth. Sallie clearly wanted me to, but if I could just get Ren back and return to how it was before, that'd be fine. I just wanted to get him away from Liam. Something was just off. It felt like everything in my life was just slightly tilted, a picture frame askew. It would bother me until I set it straight again.
I thought back to the night before he left. I'd believed so strongly that Ren felt something for me. That night, it made sense why he tousled my hair and smiled at me, why he let me stay with him and why he helped me get into NYU. I wanted things to make sense.
"How long do you think until we arrive?" I asked.
"'Bout ten minutes, kid," the driver said.
"Ok. Thank you," I said.
"No problem. Just where is your destination? Not too often I drive someone from the airport who doesn't bring any luggage."
"Yeah," I said awkwardly, glancing over at my backpack which was filled with one change of clothes, my cash, my laptop, and a toothbrush. "I was kind of in a rush. Um, but...I'm going to see a good friend." It was close enough to the truth, I suppose.
The guy glanced at me briefly before looking back at the road. He had a thick white, perfectly groomed mustache. He reminded me a little bit of Sam Elliott. "Haven't seen them in a while?"
"Actually, I saw him a few days ago," I said. "He disappeared without any real explanation, so I decided to track him down."
"You two are close?" he asked.
I nodded. "Really close, which is why it was so weird that he didn't say anything to me. I think the situation is more complicated than I really know at the moment. But we'll see."
"Well, good luck," he said, not prying any further. Thankfully. I wouldn't know how to answer any real questions.
"Thanks," I said. We rode the rest of the way in silence. Before I was ready, the driver turned abruptly down a sandy dirt path. A driveway, I realized. Fuck.
"Well, kid, you're here," he said as the car slowed to a stop.
I grabbed my backpack and slung it back over my shoulder, pulling out some money. "Thanks," I said, paying and popping the door open. The sweaty bog-warmth of Florida surrounded me as I stepped out of the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind me.
I took a shaky breath, still feeling peculiarly hollow. The house before me was enormous. I'm not sure what I'd been expecting, so I can't say whether it was or wasn't this. I knew Ren's family was probably rich, since his mom had authority at NYU and his dad owned a company. But still...I wondered how many mansions they owned.
I sighed as I walked towards the house, bounding up the front steps. It had modern architecture with soaring, squeaky clean windows and asymmetrical yet balanced geometry. I stood in front of the door, realizing only in that moment as I stared at the 'WELCOME' mat that I was in Florida chasing down the man that I loved. Ah, god. What was I even doing?
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe, staring at the sky. I could smell the sea in the air. We were close to the beach, but there were a bunch of palm trees on either side of the house which hid it from view. The back patio of the house probably let out right onto the sand. I wished I could go there right now and wander the waves for a bit, gather my courage.
I shook my head, running my hands over my face and attempting to shake off my nerves. Maybe I...could get to the beach. As soon as the idea slipped into my mind, I was acting on it. I bounced back down the front steps and started around the side of the house. It occurred to me to be a bit stealthy so that whoever was inside--hopefully not Liam, who I still suspected would be quick to attack me-- wouldn't see me, so I walked towards the tree line and attempted covertness.
The last time I was on a beach was when I set mom's ashes to sea. I wanted to be back near the ocean to see her again, to listen to the waves and hear her voice in them, watch the horizon and feel her steadiness behind me. Maybe that's strange, but after that dream, I felt like if I saw her I could unlock whatever reserve of bravery I had left. The sea was as close as I could get.
But before I could reach the the sand or even see the water, my gaze landed on something else. Sallie was right. Ren was here. But so was Liam. And they...
I felt like I was going to vomit. I'd flown to Florida like an absolute idiot. Like a fool. Like a lovestruck, naive child. What had I been thinking? WHAT had I been THINKING? I was angry at Sallie for telling me to come here. I was angry at myself for listening to her. I was angry at Liam for putting me in this situation. I was angry at Ren for betraying me.
I stumbled backward, suddenly running without even meaning to. I was sprinting toward the beach, past them, away from them and my heart-rending humiliation. I couldn't think. Not now. I just wanted to tear my heart out so that it would stop hurting. I could hurl it into the sea so that it could be with mom. It'd be safe there.
I was crying now. I angrily kicked my shoes off and dropped my backpack as I stumbled past the tree-line and onto the private beach. I left my things behind, sprinting along the sand as fast as I could toward the water. I plunged into it, submerging immediately and floating with the waves. My tears blended with the salty ocean.
I let myself dissolve. It was better this way. Easier. Less painful.
Whatever. I sat in the water, staring at the horizon. Whatever.
Just fly back. Go home. Home to where Ren is just a roommate. Where I will be all alone. Where...
❦
The call came at 2:53 a.m. I ignored it.
Beau was lying in my bed. He'd fallen asleep as I painted. He looked like cupid lying there with his copper curls and delicate wrists and rosebud lips. Thank god my phone had been on silent. I wanted him to stay in my bed forever. I wanted to just watch him sleep, to protect his dreams.
I was staring at the name on my screen when my phone started vibrating again. I hung up on him. I didn't even know why I'd kept his number. I just couldn't get rid of it, of him. I couldn't shake who I was. Am? Was?
I clicked the lights off. Pale light instantly invaded the room. Moon territory. I stared at Beau. I wanted to ease my body down beside him, take his hand, and fall asleep close to him.
My phone vibrated again. I stepped out of the room, closing the door behind me as gently as possible. "What do you want, Liam?"
"I know that you hate me. I'm sorry," he said immediately.
Unexpected. Relief. "I told you that I'm done with you."
"Yeah, I remember. I'm sorry, Ren. I'm so sorry." He was crying. "I just want you to know that I didn't mean it. I don't know what came over me. I was just really angry and hurt and lonely. I'm so lonely, Ren."
I sighed, collapsing onto the couch. "That's not my problem."
"I know that, too. I'm not calling because I expect you to forgive me for what happened," he said.
"Then why?"
"I want to give you a choice. Stay where you are with your roommate or come find me in Florida."
"Why?" I said immediately.
"If you don't meet me at our place tomorrow, I'm going to the cove."
My insides twisted up and froze. "You're what?"
"I'm going. If I can't have you, I don't want...I'm just done."
"Liam, hey. Don't say that," I said quietly.
"It's ok, Ren. It's not your fault," he said.
"Let's just talk, ok? You don't have to go there. I can't just drop everything and go to Florida right now, but that doesn't mean that you should-"
"I'm going diving, Ren. If you come, I'll really know that you care about me. If you don't, forget about it. Don't worry."
What was happening? "Liam, please."
"If you decide to come, don't talk to your roommate. Come to me, and leave him behind. If I see his name on your phone, I'll-"
"Easy, Liam. Easy," I said. My heart was palpitating. It was making my hands clammy. "I'll come, ok? Don't do anything."
"Do it because you want to," Liam said. Then he hung up.
I sat there staring at my phone like an idiot. Because I want to? I didn't want to. But if I left him like this, he'd... He was going to jump.
I didn't know what to do. I stared at my bedroom door. Beau was sleeping soundly behind it. I could go and rest my body next to his. I could. But...
I shut my eyes tightly, groaning. My legs wouldn't move. Fear crept over me. I wanted to run.
I swallowed, realizing that my mouth had gone dry. I unlocked my phone again and called my mom. To my surprise, she picked up. Her voice was full of sleep. "Ren, are you alright? It's so early."
"I'm ok, mom," I said. "I just need your help."
"What is it?" she asked without hesitation. All the drowsiness had evaporated from her voice.
"I need a plane ticket."