Asher's lips were soft on my cheek, his warm breath leaving a tingling feeling on my skin as he smiled down at me. I smiled back, my grip around his shoulders tightening to signalize that he should come back down. He did, tenderly pressing his lips against mine again in a kiss that felt too good to ever come to an end.
My heart ached at the memory, and I raised my lighter to lit my third cigarette tonight. Even though it was a nice summer night I was cold, almost shivering as I sat in one of Michael's garden chairs.
"Cold?" someone suddenly asked, and I quickly chucked the cigarette away from me, already expecting Michael to stand behind me as I turned around. But there was no Michael, only darkness.
Then, a soft chuckle. "I'm here."
I frowned, turning my head to the neighbor's garden. And sure enough, there was Conan, nothing more than an almost invisible figure sitting on a stonewall.
"How long have you been sitting there like that?" I asked, already regretting the loss of my cigarette. I had to use them more carefully since my stocks were already coming to an end.
Conan shrugged. "Quite some time. You were too lost in thought to notice, I guess." Then, he tilted his head, his gaze turning curious. "What were you thinking about?"
I sighed, leaning back in my chair. "The few precious cigarettes I have left."
The boy smiled, his face almost completely hidden in the darkness. "If you wanna get over here, we can share mine."
It was late. I should probably sleep soon.
Then again, I didn't have much to wake up for tomorrow, and I was still too awake for sleep, anyway. So I got up from the chair and climbed over Michael's wooden fence, hopping up on Conan's stone one with ease.
He handed me a cigarette, and lit it for me after I put it between my lips.
"I always come out here at night to smoke. My parents are pretty strict," Conan said with a shrug. "It's pretty convenient, though. They own a little tobacconist's, and I get my cigarettes from there."
I raised a brow. "They just let you take them?"
He chuckled, shaking his head. "Of course not. If they knew I smoked, they would kick me out in no time." He laughed again, a nice sound in the night's silence. I pulled out my phone to turn off the music coming out of my headphones that were, once again, loosely hanging around my neck. "Nah. They make me work shifts there, and I just put the money into the register so they think someone else actually bought them. It's pretty neat."
I nodded. "Very convenient, yeah."
Conan smiled down at me. "So, tell me about yourself. How old are you?"
I wasn't up for small talk, but he had given me the cigarette, and I couldn't just leave when I hadn't even finished it.
"I'm seventeen, turning eighteen this year. I like-" I hesitated, not sure what to say. "I like music. Yeah. That's neat."
Conan cracked a grin. "I've noticed. I graduated this year, just turned nineteen a few days ago."
"You're old," I said, taking a drag from my cigarette.
He chuckled. "I'm done with school, that's what I am." Then, he glanced down at me. "My parents are always up my ass about getting a job, though. Like, I just got out of school, and they won't even let me rest for a few months. It sucks."
I shrugged, watching the smoke escape my lungs and fading into the darkness. "They could be dead."
Conan furrowed his brows. "I guess. That's a weird thing to think about."
"I did that a lot recently," I said, not really caring about what he would think of me. "One moment you talk shit about them to a stranger, and the next, you get told that they're in a coma and may die soon."
Silence fell over us, and I already regretted having paused my music. What a bore.
"You're so dark," Conan mumbled, and I flinched as another memory entered my head.
"And you're too fucking bright. It's like I'm looking at the sun."
"I'm kidding, idiot," I said, forcing a smile that made my cheeks hurt from how stiff it was. "Maybe you should get a job and move out. Get your own place."
The boy next to me nodded, his gaze drifting back to the darkness ahead. "That sounds nice. No one there to tell me what I can and can't do. No more restrictions and rules." His lips turned to a peaceful smile. "Just me, and my freedom."
"You don't have a girlfriend?" I asked, this time not completely out of courtesy when I found some light interest entering my voice. Conan didn't seem so bad. Maybe we could get along.
"Nah. Had a few relationships during high school, but nothing lasted long enough to get serious," he said, shrugging. Then, he smirked at me. "I prefer casual things now. No strings attached, if you get what I mean."
I hesitated, briefly nodding. "Sure."
"What about you, though? Do you still have that boytoy?"
My forehead turned into a frown. "You mean Asher?"
Conan shrugged. "Yeah. The soccer legend, or whatever they called him. I never really cared much about younger students."
I closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the heat radiating from Conan's body that drowned out some of the night's solitude.
"We aren't exactly on good terms lately," I finally said, taking a last and final drag of my cigarette before pressing it out next to me. "I fucked everything up."
Conan sighed, handing me another cigarette.
"That's life, kid. Boys and girls come and go. Eventually, one will stay."
He lit the cigarette again for me, and we stayed like this for some time, not even realizing how late it got. None of us had anything to wake up to tomorrow, so we weren't bothered by the perpetual passing of time.
I didn't want to have boys and girls enter my life and eventually go again. I didn't want to have everything I had with Asher a second time, just for the other person to end up leaving, and for everything to fall apart again.
I didn't want to be hurt again.
Glancing at Conan, I wondered if his way of looking at relationships was better. Just casual things, no strings attached. No chances of getting your heart broken.
*
I was woken up by the doorbell the next morning. Groaning, I turned around in my bed to check the time on my phone. Almost eleven. Well, shit.
The doorbell kept ringing, the shrill sound growing more annoying by every passing second, and I bolted through the house, wearing nothing but a large shirt over my underwear. Whoever was at the door better had a good reason to be this obnoxious.
I didn't even have time to properly look at the intruder before Gill had already pulled me into a tight hug, not lasting long enough for me to smell her shampoo before she let go again, kicking the door shut behind us.
I blinked at her, too shocked to form words.
"I hope you had an awful time at home, because you sure as hell made it awful for us," Gill said, knitting her brows.
"Good morning to you too," I replied, crossing my arms as I felt my mood worsen. "You woke me up. I should kick you right out again for that."
Gill smiled faintly, the gesture not enough to lighten her firm expression. "At least now you have an excuse to look like a mess. Come on, let's eat breakfast, and talk."
I rolled my eyes yet followed her into the kitchen. Soon enough we were sitting at the table, with me munching on the strawberries I bought yesterday and Gill sipping on a cup of hot chocolate.
"She has a cane. She likes to hit people with it when they annoy her," I said after she had asked about my mom. "But she's doing good. She's back to her old annoying self. And for some reason, she's fucking her ex-husband again."
Gill sighed. "Adults that don't have their shit figured out yet scare me."
I raised a brow, not looking up from my food. "Imagine what I lived with just a few months ago." I shrugged. "Even Michael's doing better now. With Anna and all."
The girl glanced at me, but I didn't dare to meet her gaze. I knew what was going to come now.
Gill let out a frustrated sigh, leaning back in her chair. "I just don't get it. You and Ash seemed so perfect, so happy, and then you just vanished." She shook her head, averting her gaze. "It was so bad to see him go from understanding that you went back to be with your mom to hopeless because he realized you wouldn't come back."
I let the strawberry I was currently holding fall back into the pack, my appetite gone.
"I don't know how to fix things."
"Do you want to fix things?" Gill asked, looking back up at me from across the table. I slightly narrowed my eyes, determination entering my voice.
"Yes."
The girl smiled, but it wasn't friendly. "Good. Because I don't wanna see my best friend in pain anymore."
I flinched at her words, the guilt growing unbearable. "Is it bad?"
"Of course it's bad, Kiri," Gill said, letting out a scoff. "He was so different with you. So open, and trusting. I have never before seen that look on his face that he got whenever you were around." She shook her head. "Now he's either at work, or locks himself away in his room. I don't really get to see much of him anymore."
The reserved look in his eyes when we had met yesterday entered my mind. How he hadn't even looked at me when I apologized.
My gut twisted, and I swallowed, hard. Everything hurt.
Gill noticed and reached across the table, laying her hand on mine.
"If you're serious about this, if you really want to fix things, then it's gonna be okay. I can't promise that you two will ever get back what you had, but maybe you can both move on." She hesitated before smiling at me, faintly but it was honest. "It'll get better."
I cleared my throat, slowly pulling my hand back. I wanted to believe her. I wanted things to get better again. So, I forced myself to smile back.
"Okay."
Minutes later we had moved to the bathroom, where Gill was styling my hair while telling me about everything that had happened since I had left. I tried to focus, not knowing what I should do with the information that Trevor had left to spend a few weeks travelling through Africa, or that the girl I had been sitting behind in class had gotten pregnant.
But hearing Gill talking so carelessly was nice. I only now realized how much I had missed her.
"Ouch," I said as she accidentally sprayed some of the hairspray into my eye. "Shit. If I'm going blind, I'm suing."
She grinned at me as I bolted to the sink, splashing water into my face.
"Good to see that at least some of the old Kiri is still somewhere in there." I rolled my eyes, reaching for a towel and glancing at my reflection in the mirror once I could see again.
I was pale, my gaze empty, like it had been for quite some time now. But my hair looked fly as hell.
I grinned at Gill's reflection, the gesture feeling unfamiliar. "Now, let's find something to wear."
We left the bathroom just to enter my room next, with Gill walking straight over to my half unpacked suitcase. I sat down on my bed, waiting for her to pick something for me, feeling the slightest bit excited.
It was nice to finally come out a little of that numb state. To feel things again. To live.
"Hey, I like this," she stated, pulling out a button up shirt. It was a light blue, with colorful flowers printed all over it. I pulled a face.
"I haven't worn this in months."
She turned to me with a grin. "Perfect occasion to wear it now, then."
I rolled my eyes yet took off my shirt, opening the buttons of the blue one. While I changed Gill turned away to look for a pair of fitting pants.
Another faint grin crept on my face as I had put on the other shirt. The material was great against my skin, and even though I didn't remember it fitting so loosely, I felt good. Pretty.
"This is great. I should wear black jeans or something," I said, turning back around to Gill. I froze when she held up two empty packs of cigarettes, looking unimpressed.
"So we're doing this now?" she asked, not sounding very friendly anymore. Her gaze fell on the plastic bag, and she bent down to pick it up as well, briefly glancing inside. "If you're not getting cancer first, Asher's so gonna kill you."
I frowned. Why would he care?
"I'm gonna stop soon," I said instead of voicing the first thought that had entered my mind.
Gill's expression hardened. "That's so stupid. Smoking won't help you get back what you destroyed. Why did you start in the first place?"
Her words hit hard, and I flinched. "I'm gonna stop. Just drop it."
The girl sighed, tossing the stuff back on the floor. "I'm so angry, Kiri. I want nothing more than to slap that sad face of yours, over and over again until I don't have to see it anymore."
I tensed up when she stepped closer, unsure if she was going to put her plan into action.
"But I also feel so goddamn sorry for you. One moment, I wish you would have never come back, and then the next, I look at you and can't even imagine what you've been through these past few months." She sighed, her expression growing tired. "I'm not gonna hate you, even though that would be so much easier. I like you too much to just turn my back on you."
I reached out to take her hands in mine, hesitantly, not sure if she would let me. But she entwined her fingers with mine, glancing down at them with an unreadable expression.
"We're gonna fix this, Kiri. You and I, and Ash, and Sam and Tyler, too. We're all gonna be okay again."
I wanted to believe her words. I wanted to believe them so badly.
I wanted to be okay again. So I let go of her hands to pull her into a tight hug, closing my eyes when she put her arms around my waist, burying her face in my shoulder.
Maybe, just maybe, things would be okay again.