My finger was hovering over my phone, ready to press 'call', but I found myself hesitating. I rolled my eyes, sighing, before finally starting the call and raising my phone to my ear.
"Hi!" Gill said enthusiastically right after picking up. Before I could greet her back, a noise erupted on the other line, and Gill's voice suddenly seemed far away.
"Fuck you," Sam suddenly hissed, her voice strong and full of spite. Then more of the loud noises, and a slamming door.
"Sorry for that," Gill said, a little out of breath. "I locked myself in the bathroom so Sam can't get to me. Oh my god, I can't believe you called."
I glanced down at the lit cigarette in my free hand only to find it trembling between my shaking fingers.
"Hi, Gill," I greeted back, trying my best to keep the tremble from entering my voice as well.
"How are you? How's your mom? I ran into Michael the other day, last week or so, and he said you were both fine. Shit, I was so worried. The others too. Sam's just, you know. A little pissed." Gill sighed, then took a deep breath. "Forget all that. How are you?"
"I'm okay, thank you," I replied, tapping my cigarette against the floor I was sitting on and watching the ash fall to the ground. "What about you?"
There was a brief pause, something that wasn't exactly common when talking to Gill. Then, another sigh from the girl. "I don't think I'm the one you should be calling, Kiri."
I grit my teeth, feeling my jaw tense up. "How is he?"
"He's managing, I guess. I mean, he wasn't for some time, but he's just pulling through like he always does," Gill said, talking slowly. "I miss you. We all do, Sam just can't express it."
No, I was certain Sam didn't miss me. I did not only break her and Asher's promise, but also her trust; something she didn't take easy.
I closed my eyes, still tapping the cigarette against the ground, not even thinking about it anymore.
"I'm back, Gill. I'm back at Michael's."
The following pause was put to an end by loud pounding, and I furrowed my brows.
"Fuck, Sam, stop demolishing my door!" Gill shouted before lowering her voice to a more pleasant volume again. "You're not kidding, right? I'll block your number if you are."
"I'm not. I'm sitting in his garden." I opened my eyes only to narrow them at the sun's brightness. "I just woke up."
Gill sighed. "I don't even know if I should smile, or cry, or start beating the fucking door in like Sam. I don't know, Kiri. Why?"
"There was nothing for me back home."
"No, I mean, why didn't you ever answer Ash's calls, or texted him. He would have understood if you had just told him that you needed some time for yourself back at home," she said, the pounding starting again in the background. "I'm glad you're back though. I missed you, hoe."
I raised the corners of my mouth to mimic a smile, not feeling up to giving a honest one.
"I missed you, too."
"I won't tell Sam you're back yet, or she'll run to your house right away to kick your ass," Gill said, whispering. "Just figure your shit with Ash out first. He should be the first person to know you're back, you know."
I bit my lip. "I was scared."
"If you have the guts to ghost him, you should have the guts to take responsibility," Gill replied firmly. "I'm gonna hang up now and let Sam yell at me for not letting her talk to you. Bye, Kiri. And don't just disappear again."
"I won't. Thanks."
"Sure."
Then Gill ended the call, and I glanced at my cigarette, taking a last drag before pressing it out against the stone tiles on the ground. It was half past nine, the weather was nice and I had the house to myself.
Anna had come over last night to eat dinner with Michael and me. It had been a little odd, definitely something I should get used to though since her presence at the house seemed to be an almost daily thing now.
I sighed, tossing the finished cigarette into a small plastic bag. Four others were in there that I had smoked last night, when Michael had already gone to bed.
I was tired when I stood up, just like I had been tired when I went to bed yesterday, and woken up this morning. I was always tired, and nothing seemed to stop it.
Strawberries. That's what I wanted now.
So, I grabbed some money and my phone as well as my headphones and headed out. I didn't have anything else to do, anyway.
My music was all I thought about on my way to the small supermarket. Once I arrived, I went straight to the fruit and vegetables section, not even bothering with looking at anything else.
Once I had grabbed a pack I went over to the register, pulling the headphones off of my head without pausing the song so they were loosely hanging around my neck, and placing the pack on the production line. Once I looked up at the cashier, I froze.
Asher had his gaze fixed on the strawberries as he scanned them, not having looked at me yet. As he wanted to tell me how much they were and finally raised his gaze, he froze as well, the words getting stuck in his throat.
My heart was beating violently in my chest, causing me to worry that it would break through my ribcage and fall down. I wasn't prepared to face him so soon, so suddenly. I wasn't ready.
He looked away first, glancing at the register. "That'll be 2,39."
I automatically handed him the money, and he put it into the register, handing me back my change. I was free to go now, but my body didn't move. My gaze was still fixed on the boy behind the register, my heart yelling at me to speak, to finally break this agonizing silence.
"Hi," I found myself saying, my voice sounding strange and unfamiliar.
Asher blinked at me, his eyes scanning my face, my clothes, and briefly studying my messy hair before meeting my gaze again. The surprise had left his expression now, and he was back to the scowl I was so used to.
But when his eyes had once been friendly, full of understanding and affection, they were now cold, distanced. Simply looking at him hurt more than I could have ever imagined.
"Hi," he greeted back, no trace of friendliness left in his voice.
I grit my teeth, my whole body tense from all the anxiety this situation was giving me. But I still couldn't leave. I didn't want to walk out on him again, even though his cold stare felt like a dagger piercing my heart.
I didn't want to leave Asher. Never had, and still didn't feel the wish to.
And yet I had done just that, had turned my back on him when all he had wanted to do was help me get through those past events. I had abandoned him, and now everything we had had was broken, shattered to pieces that could never be put together again.
"I didn't know you worked here now," I said, my blood rushing in my ears.
Asher shrugged, not taking his eyes off me. "I didn't know you were back."
"I arrived yesterday," I replied, glad that he had answered. "Michael picked me up from the station."
He nodded and averted his gaze. "Is that everything?"
My heart skipped a beat. I wasn't ready to walk out of here and be all alone again. I wasn't ready to live with the fact that Asher hated me, that he would always look at me like that – like he wanted to forget, because seeing me only brought pain.
But I was scared. I wouldn't have been just a few months ago, but I was a different person now. The blunt and confident boy I once used to be was gone, and all that remained was the anxious wreck I found myself to be now.
"I'm sorry, Ash," I whispered, only realizing how wrong the nickname sounded when it was too late. It was too affectionate, too personal. I didn't have the right to use it anymore, and Asher knew, too.
He didn't look up from the register as he spoke. "Thanks for shopping with us. Have a nice day."
What remained of my heart shattered at his words, and I took the pack of strawberries before turning to leave. I would have cried if I could, but my eyes were as dry as always.
The supermarket's door fell shut behind me, and I paused for a moment, contemplating whether I should look back. I didn't, and forced myself to keep walking instead, an expression of determination forming on my face.
This wasn't how things would be from now on. I had lived like this for far too long to continue now. I didn't know how I could ever get Asher to lose that look in his eyes when they fell on me, or how I could fix things with his friends. I was clueless on many things, including making my mind up about what I really wanted.
I just knew one thing for sure. I wanted to become my usual self again. I wanted to get back what I lost. Maybe Asher would never like me that way again. Maybe he wouldn't ever like me again at all. I could learn how to deal with that, if I had to.
For now, I just needed to be myself again.
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AN: This chapter is also written in Asher's POV, you can find it in my artificial kids book :)