"Hey, hold that for a second," I said, holding my backpack out to Ruby. He sighed since he was already pulling my suitcase, but took the bag.
I yawned and stretched my arms, arching my back to slowly get my body to wake up. It was still so fucking early.
"Are you done?" Ruby asked, one brow raised. "This is heavy. What's even in there?"
"Your bong," I replied. I kept walking, and Ruby didn't stop either as he narrowed his eyes at me.
"You did not take my bong."
I just shrugged as we walked towards the station. Mom was working, so Ruby had offered to help me bring my stuff to the station. I was so not looking forward to that train ride. My last one hadn't been very pleasant, after all.
Even though my thoughts had been all over the place when mom had her accident, I had still noticed how weird it was to see her and Michael together. He and Anna had left shortly after she woke up, so they only had had time for a quick hello.
Mom said she didn't even remember it, with just having woken up and all. I wasn't sure if that was right. To be fair, I didn't really care.
"Hey, why am I still carrying your backpack?" Ruby asked in annoyance. "You're done doing erotic dance moves."
I rolled my eyes. "I know, I just don't want to carry it myself. Also, that was stretching, imbecile."
"Hm. I should have guessed, since it wasn't erotic at all," Ruby replied, cracking a grin.
"Man, shut up."
He's grin faltered and we entered the station. Just a few minutes later we found ourselves on one of the platforms.
"My train should come in ten minutes," I said after checking the time on my phone. "You can go now. Thanks for coming here today."
Ruby smiled, burying his hands in his pockets. "Sure, man. Everything for my brother."
He glanced at my backpack before giving it back to me.
"I packed you a few extra packs. Just in case," he said, his voice lowered, not meeting my gaze.
"Thanks." I had been getting all my cigarettes from Ruby, who got them from his brother since we both weren't old enough to buy them yet.
"Listen." He sighed, looking around the platform before stepping a little closer, his gaze locked on the ground. "I'm sorry to see you so down, but I guess it's reasonable after what happened with your mom. It's just, you were so happy out there before you came back."
He finally looked up at me, worry in his eyes. "I really hope you'll find that happiness again. Yeah. That's all."
I pressed my lips together as I noticed a sour taste in my mouth. I hated that Ruby had to worry about me. I hated that I didn't even feel bad for leaving him again.
I just didn't feel anything but disgust at myself.
"Thanks. For the cigarettes," I said, slightly turning away. "I'll call you later."
Because I was so fucking great at calling people.
"Is that really everything you have to say?" Ruby asked, his voice suddenly growing stronger. I turned back to him, a brow raised in confusion since I hadn't expected him to raise his voice.
"What?"
"You don't talk. You don't smile. You don't even make your fucking hair anymore." Ruby shook his head, not caring about the few heads that turned our way. "I've tried to help you, man. You wanted cigarettes, so I got you some, in hopes they'd help you calm down. But they don't. I don't. I don't know what to fucking do anymore."
"Let's not talk about this here," I mumbled, averting my gaze. We were in the middle of a platform, this was no place to carry out an argument.
"Yeah, we'll probably never talk again!"
I froze, looking back up at my best friend. His brows were furrowed, and the worry in his eyes had turned to frustration.
"Of course we will. I'll call you later."
"Will you?" Ruby shook his head, his voice finally reaching an acceptable volume again. "You mentioned a boy back there. I've never seen you talk to him, nor mention him. Are you doing the same with me when you're out there?"
"I-," my voice broke, and I found myself at a loss for words. What was I supposed to say? I had no fucking clue about anything. I just knew that I had to take that train, and that Michael would pick me up from the station. Everything after that was just a single scary blank page.
"Of course not. I love you, man," I finally said, my tone sincere. Ruby sighed, his gaze turning to the blue sky above us.
"I don't even know if it's you that I'm talking to anymore," he murmured, his tone causing my heart to skip a beat. He cleared his throat, taking a step back. "Well, I guess you'll call me later, then. Have a nice journey."
"Wait, Ruby," I said before I could stop myself. Ruby turned back around to me, and I hesitated since I didn't know what I had even wanted to say. "I- I'm trying. To fix things. I'm sorry."
He just nodded before turning his back to me again, disappearing in the underpass that led back to the station just a few seconds later.
I stayed behind on the platform, my thoughts racing in my head, my body unable to move.
I was alone again.
I reached for the headphones that had been around my neck the whole time, putting them back on and pressing play on my phone. As the song started playing again I reached into my backpack, pulling out a new pack of cigarettes.
Ruby had packed me plenty. I would need them.
'I feel like, feel like, feel like, I'm losing you, I'm losing control.'
Even though I didn't want them to my thoughts wandered back to Asher, leaving me to wonder what he was doing right now. He sure as hell wasn't standing on a platform on his own, smoking to ease his restlessness, drowning out the thoughts that told him he'd always be like this. Alone. Abandoned.
Not fucking loved.
The restlessness grew stronger, and breathing got harder as invisible shackles closed around my lungs. My heart was racing in my chest, battling with the speed of the thoughts in my head.
This was bad, this was bad, this was bad.
Thankfully my train came in that moment, and letting my cigarette fall to the ground, I used the next few seconds to take deep breaths so I could get myself to calm down.
Once most of that sudden anxiety had left, I picked up my suitcase and backpack and entered the train along with the other people that had waited on the platform, trying not to think about Asher and myself anymore.
So, when I finally found my seat and packed away my stuff, I turned up the volume even more, closing my eyes as my whole head started to hurt from how loud my music was.
*
The sun shone down on me mercilessly as I stepped out of the station and into the middle of nowhere, almost completely alone if it weren't for the woman and her daughter that had left the train at the same stop.
Having odd flashbacks to almost a year ago when I first came here, I sat back down on my suitcase, waiting for Michael to show up.
God, it had been so long since we last talked.
I made mom plan all this, not wanting to deal with it myself. Yeah, I had wanted to come back out here, but it was still hard to actually go through with.
I knew that nothing would get better if I stayed at home, so maybe things would actually change here. If they didn't, I'd just leave again and continue life like this. If they did, well, great.
I was sick of being like this. Numb. Hollow. So fucking tired.
A yawn escaped my throat at the mere thought of being tired, and I looked up just as an old pickup truck turned around the corner. It came to a stop right in front of me, and I only had time to stand up from my suitcase before Michael jumped out and pulled me into a hug.
I froze before hesitantly hugging him back. This was weird. Michael wasn't really a hugger, after all. Or, at least he hadn't been. I wouldn't really know now.
"Okay, I didn't expect this," I mumbled into his shoulder, and he finally released me again, taking two steps back.
"Sorry. Anna said I should hug you," he said, uncomfortably scratching the back of his neck. I shrugged, managing a narrow smile.
"It's fine. How are you?"
"Ah, I'm fine. Anna would have come too, but she's busy with work today. Half of that hug came from her, you know."
I sighed. "You've said two sentences so far, and Anna was part of both of them. Did you melt into one single person since I was gone?"
Michael's cheeks reddened, and he looked down at my suitcase. "Do you need help with that?"
I followed his gaze. "I don't, but feel free to take it."
He briefly eyed me before reaching for my suitcase, packing it into his truck. I moved around it to climb in at the passenger side, and soon enough, Michael was back behind the wheel.
"I, uh, brought some stuff for you. Gluten free, you know."
I nodded. "Cool. Thanks."
He eyed me from the side, and for a second I thought he wanted to say more. When he remained silent I turned on the radio, turning up the volume to drown out the words we didn't speak. It wasn't uncomfortable for me, but I could see how much Michael struggled with the situation.
I just leaned back in my seat, not planning on talking much anymore. I didn't really care. I just wanted to get to his house.
It was still the same small town I had left in November. When we drove through the streets I sunk deeper into my seat, almost as if I didn't want anyone out there to recognize me. Not that we passed anyone, anyway.
Michael's garden was still looking like it came straight out of a magazine for houses that were for sale. I was greeted by his living room full of plants when I entered the house, and the faintest smile crept on my face.
"Good to see that hasn't changed yet," I stated. Michael entered the house as well now, setting down my suitcase next to me.
"Do you like them?"
I scoffed, dry and brief. It was closest to a laugh that I could manage. "Never did and never will." I turned around to face him. "Thanks for letting me stay here again."
His expression softened ever so slightly, and he smiled at me. "I'm glad you wanted to come back, Kiri."
I nodded. "Sure. I'll pack my stuff away now. Still the same room?"
"Uh, yeah. There's a, uh, surprise there."
I raised a brow, not really expecting much when I dragged my stuff down the hallway. The first thing my eyes fell on when I opened the door was the bed standing in one corner – a complete one, with bedframe and covers and all. The pillows were neatly stacked next to each other, and the blanket was folded properly.
"Anna did that," Michael said, appearing behind me. I jumped at his sudden appearance.
"Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack," I said, shaking my head. "Don't sneak around. It's weird."
His cheeks reddened. "Sorry. Are you hungry?"
I blinked at him, only now realizing that I must have sounded pretty rude. But he hadn't lost all his confidence and stopped talking. He had asked me another question.
Maybe while everything went to shit for me, things actually turned to the better for him.
"No," I said, glancing at the bed. "Like I said, I'm just gonna unpack my stuff. Wait."
I narrowed my eyes as they landed on a boy that I could see through that damn glass wall. He was tall, and that was pretty much everything I saw with his back turned to me as he pushed a lawn mower around.
"Who's that?"
"Hm? Oh, Conan. He lives next door. You've never seen him?" Michael asked, raising a brow at me. I shrugged.
"Not really. Guess I never payed enough attention."
"Yeah. I'll be in the kitchen, just in case you'll get hungry after all." He turned his back to me, but stopped before he could disappear through the open door. "Oh, and, Anna's coming by later."
I rolled my eyes as he retreated to the kitchen. If all he could talk about these days was Anna, I would need my headphones a lot more often.
My gaze fell back on the boy in Michael's garden, and before I even realized what I was doing, I was opening the door that lead from my room into the backyard.
"Hi," I shouted over the sound of the lawn mower. When the boy noticed me, he quickly turned the thing off, turning back to me with a grin.
"Hey," he greeted back. "I thought you disappeared. I haven't seen you in like, forever."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "You know me?"
"Sure." He shrugged, chuckling a little. "We've lived next to each other for quite some time, you just never noticed me, I guess. I'm Conan, by the way."
"Aha. I'm Kiri."
"I know," he said, still grinning. "So, did you need anything or do you just wanted to say hi?"
I hesitated. "Just, why are you mowing my dad's lawn?"
Conan raised a brow, running his hand through his rather long blonde hair. "To earn some extra cash. Be a good person."
He laughed and let his hand fall back to his side. "Actually, I accidentally destroyed his fence when playing with my dog, and even though he said it's fine, my parents made me mown his lawn for some time. That pretty much sums it up."
I shook my head, the faintest of smiles creeping on my face. "Idiot."
"Hey, don't be rude," he replied, crossing his arms. "So, how are you? I know we've never really talked or anything, but you've always seemed like an okay guy."
"An okay guy?" I repeated. "I could be better. It's kind of hot out here."
Conan laughed, a nice sound, and flashed me another grin. "I should probably get back to mowing then and let you go back inside."
I nodded. "Yeah. Uh, have fun I guess."
"Thanks, Kiri." I noticed him briefly eyeing my clothes and body before shooting me another grin. "Nice shirt."
I shrugged, turning back to the house and starting to walk towards the backdoor, disappearing through it without another word. Not wanting him to be able to see me while I settled in, I drew all the curtains shut, leaving the room in narrow darkness with sunlight only beaming in from small slits above the curtains.
I sat down on the bed, appreciating how high I was now with the bedframe. This hadn't been so bad so far. Actually, that conversation with Conan was the longest one I had had with a stranger for quite some time, and it went well enough.
I was an okay guy.
The corners of my mouth slightly turned upwards as I thought about that phrase, my gaze wandering over the clean bed, admiring how perfect and neat everything seemed.
All set up for me.
I let myself fall back with a tired sigh, my body suddenly feeling incredibly heavy. I was an okay guy, living an okay life, and I would try to make the best out of it, just like always.