my entire body begins to shake and the journal nearly slips from my fingers.
no, this is impossible. this can't be real, it's another nightmare. right?
"what is it?" elizabeth asks.
i find it hard to speak. here, in my very hands, rests an in depth account of ethan's thoughts and feelings. it's the same journal he caught be reading the first page of, the same journal he spent hours scribbling assay in.
as i stare at it, another thought dawns on me.
who sent it?
grayson? perhaps. i haven't spoken to him since the night of the party, but would he send the journal?
i flip the package over and search for a return address.
it's been scratched out.
thinking how ethan has opened, shut, and touched this tattered journal thousands of times makes me tremble and i try to hold back tears.
i feel my mother's and elizabeth's eyes on me and the temperature in the room seems to rise rapidly.
this is too soon. even though it's been five months, this is too soon for me and i'm not emotionally ready to read ethan's thoughts if i don't know if he's even living.
i hastily set the book on the small table in the foyer, taking a few steps back.
"i-i need air," i stammer and turn to walk out, my lungs fighting for fresh air and my heart beating loudly in my chest.
i race down the stairs and out into the night, taking long, deep breaths. my vision is blurred and my chest feels like it's collapsing on itself. i've never felt like this, not since the night of the party and it's the worst feeling i've ever felt.
i fish for my car keys and unlock my car. i need to just drive, to clear my mind. i've done this many times when missing ethan was particularly bad, and it's helped some in the past.
"emma, wait."
i turn around and face elizabeth as she runs out of the building behind me, out of breath. she takes a deep breath and walks over to me, holding out the journal.
"look, i don't know what this is or who it's from, but i think you need to take it."
i chew on my lip, looking from elizabeth to the journal and back. she raises her eyebrows at me.
finally, i reach out and hesitantly take the journal, getting into my car and tossing it into the passenger seat.
i drive down the busy streets, focusing my mind on the traffic. i feel like i'm just wandering, lost without knowing what to do about the journal.
a large part of me wants to read it; to memorize every word on every page. but i know my emotional and mental state is so fragile now, and reading it could only send my carefully constructed walls around my heart crashing back down.
i venture out of the city, finding myself on the highway. it reminds me of driving on the highway in portland; ethan slumped in the passenger seat next to me, complaining about the songs that play on the radio.
"you idiot," i say out loud to myself. "all highways look the same."
great. now i'm talking to myself.
"you seem glum, chambie."
i look over and see ethan sitting on the passenger side, feet resting on the dashboard. he wears a white t-shirt with his black pants, worn sneakers on his feet. he chews a wad of bright green gum, his pink lips turned up in the smirk i miss so much.
"of course i'm glum. you left me."
"i didn't leave you, em. i've been with you this whole time."
i shake my head, pulling over onto the shoulder of the highway.
now i'm apparently getting nightmares while i'm awake, too. what do you call that? a day-mare?
i'm losing my mind. i try to steady my breathing, staring out at the dark road. my eyes slowly move to the tattered brown journal in the seat next to me.
no matter how much i over think it, the journal was sent to me. this isn't a coincidence, i was intended to receive this.
i carefully pick up the book, setting it in my lap. i run my fingers over the worn leather. small squiggles are etched into the bottom right corner of the front cover, and if lost, please return to ethan grant dolan is written neatly at the top.
so many questions pop into my head, and i haven't even opened it yet.
if ethan was so defensive about letting me read this before, why was it sent to me? is he really dead, and someone is giving away all his things? did violet find it and want me to have it, or grayson?
i shut off my mind and open the journal.
the first letter i have already read. i feel a pang of guilt for being so nosy before, but i continue reading anyway.
the first few pages consist of more letters to his mother. the years increase as i flip through, drinking in every word.
i pause when i reach a certain letter.
september 8, 2019
mom,
today someone moved into violet's old apartment. it's a girl, and as far as i know she lives alone. i saw her moving boxes in earlier with alec's nephew. i only assume they're together, although she must be insane for dating a scum like him.
i went over about an hour ago to just see for myself that someone is living there. maybe i was a dick to her, but i don't care. it she's upset with me for talking to her like that, she can move the hell out.
i guess she has a nice name, anyway.
it's emma. her name's emma.
i stop reading.
this letter is from the day we met, the day we snapped at each other for the first time. although i knew he hadn't liked me in the least at first, it's still a bit shocking to read ethan's bitter words about me.
i turn the page.
september 10, 2019
mom,
emma works with me. not only with me, i feel compelled to add, but approximately six feet from me. every time i look at her, i just see violet. i mean, not in looks, but in symbolism, perhaps. she lives exactly where violet did, for christ's sake.
if you were here you'd tell me to at least try to be nice, but i can't. i can't find a single thing about her that doesn't remind me of something dark, and i hate that. but if that's how it is, so be it.
september 15, 2019
mom,
something's wrong with me.
aaron didn't pick up emma today from work. so i offered her a ride. i don't know, she seemed so upset and we even played twenty questions, like you and i used to. she's got a nice smile, give her that. it's one of those smiles you just want to smile along with, you know? god, i sound like an idiot.
long story short, we were waiting for the rain to let up, and she was just right there and i almost kissed her.
it's not like we actually kissed or anything. she moved away and got all freaked out, getting out of the car. i'm sure she got soaked in the rain.
i'm still here, the damn rain is still pouring buckets and i don't want to go out there and get wet.
damn it.
september 18, 2019
mom,
i got stuck in an elevator today.
with emma.
i got stuck in an elevator with emma.
if i was to make a list of the world's worst scenarios, being stuck in an elevator with emma chamberlain would definitely make the top ten. god, she's annoying. but, i don't know, she seems like she actually gives a shit about me when i talk. and, i don't know, maybe i give a shit about her, too.
she followed me the other day to go to see alec, levi and nate told me. they stopped her on the street earlier tonight, thinking she knows information about wolfe.
did i put her in danger? she seemed so shaken up so i drove her home. shit, i don't know why my mind won't shut the hell up, but i can't let anything happen to her. i won't let anything happen to her.
september 19, 2019
mom,
things are changing. emma slept on my couch last night because she was spooked from being jumped by nate and levi. it was like three in the morning, and i gave her the tea you used to make me. i don't know, something changed when i saw her so peacefully asleep this morning.
unfortunately, she's dating that dickhead aaron, and he came by this morning looking for her. it's been hard to keep it a secret that i know exactly who he is, probably better than she does, and i feel almost guilty for not telling her. anyways, he saw her on the couch and went apeshit, and somehow she turned the argument around on him for always forgetting her. she's so feisty when she wants to be. he left shortly, and she seemed upset. i didn't know what to do, really, i've never been good at consoling people.
"for the record, i think you had a few good shots in there," i said. who even says that? me, that's who.
tell me, mom, how does it feel to have a complete idiot as a child?
it's so surreal for me to be reading this, learning ethan's thoughts. as i read on, i smile at events i hadn't bothered to remember, and snippets of quotes one of as would say.
september 23, 2019
mom,
god damn it, i've made a mistake.
i went to play poker tonight, except i brought emma with me. her bitch of a boyfriend forgot about her again. the stupid thing is that i know where he was — at a meeting with wolfe.
asshole.
he called her in the middle of the game, and she took the call outside. she's holding onto hint, but i don't know why. he treats her like shit, and she could be with someone so much better.
we stood outside for a while, and next thing i knew i was kissing her. her skin was so soft and her hair smelled like vanilla, i don't know what came over me.
she ended up pushing me away, obviously because of aaron. "i can't do this," she said. do what? it's not like it meant anything to either of us. people kiss, so what?
i know if you were here you'd be telling me to quit denying things. god, i wish you were here, mom.
september 27, 2019
mom,
she followed me. she fucking followed me to a meeting at wolfe, no less.
i'm so mad. so fucking mad but somehow i ended up telling her about wolfe. i might have just made a huge mistake, damn it i know i just made a huge mistake. in my defense, though, they did follow her and ransack her apartment, and i could see her curiosity just boiling behind her eyes.
i'm going to have to be really damn persuasive to make alec let this go. she could be in danger now, and it would kill me to have it be because of me. she's smart, though, and i know after this she won't follow me again. she's learned her lesson.
the more she learns, the guiltier i feel about not telling her who aaron really is. i should have told her when i told her about the rest of wolfe, but it slipped my mind. all i know is that she can't be with aaron much longer, or i'm going to explode.
october 1, 2019
mom,
so, that's it, then. emma and aaron broke up. i'll spare you the details, because unfortunately i was there to witness the whole thing. in a nutshell, aaron ended up hitting her across the face right in front of me, and i nearly lost my shit. he's such a dick, he'd be lucky to be good enough for someone like emma. anyone would be lucky to be good enough for someone like emma.
she's got this fear of being alone, i think she finally realized it today. i had seen it in her before. but she was too stubborn to admit it to herself i think she's really upset about it. she seemed glum when i made her tea after aaron left.
it's taken me a while, but memories of violet are starting to fade front her. she's almost like this breath of fresh air in my life, this new thing that's confusing me but not annoying me much anymore. i don't think much about violet when i'm around her anymore, and i'm so glad for that.
october 17, 2019
mom,
so emma went home for the weekend. she's got some odd past with her sister i think, and she was a bit worried about seeing her. i hope all goes well between them.
i need to converse with alec to make sure he leaves emma alone. true, she knows about wolfe, but she has virtually no part or impact on it, and i need to make sure alec knows that. i don't want her in any danger.
shit, my phone's ringing. who's calling me at this ungodly hour?
i pause, a smile crossing my face. it was me calling him, after my parents told me they were divorcing. it's such a meaningless memory, but he seemed to capture it perfectly.
i read on, watching as ethan's views on me change. it's amazing, really, to see how he once hated me, and now he writes of me as a friend.
november 28, 2019
mom,
grayson called me today. i was so shaken up by it. you wouldn't believe it. how did he find me? i've done my best to cover up my tracks. somehow, i found myself dialing emma's number. we haven't exactly been speaking since the whole ordeal with alec when she told me she had feelings for me and i let her walk away.
she picked up, though. i honestly thought that she wouldn't, it's thanksgiving, after all. but she did, and she met me by the river, seemingly worried.
i told her everything. about you, about dad, about grayson, about me. everything.
i just felt like she should know, because she listens, and that's a trait i can't seem to get enough of. i could make a speech about why green gummy bears are better than orange ones and she'd still fucking listen.
she knows i don't believe in love, i expressed that to her. but you can still feel love without believing in it, can't you?
december 6, 2019
mom,
i've made a huge fucking mistake.
today emma told me she loved me, mom. she loves me, just like violet didn't. and you know what i said? i didn't even say anything, really, i just laughed. just like violet did to me, i laughed. what the fucking hell is wrong with me?
i most likely just ruined my last shot at being happy with someone. i should have gone after her, i should have said something. i'm so stubborn, i'm too proud to tell her how i really feel.
she probably won't talk to me, now. i don't blame her.
i'm a dick.
december 16, 2019
mom,
today was my birthday. i turned twenty five. i'm surprised emma remembered. she smiled really big when she wished me, so i guess that's a good sign.
i baked a red velvet cake with your old recipe and we ate it together. it's her favorite flavor of cake, too. go figure, right?
i feel like i ruined her day, though. i just got back from her place maybe an hour ago. i got her a box of pens. why did i buy her that? it's not even a special day for her. shit, i should have gotten her something nicer, like earrings or something. girls like earrings, right?
i asked her if she wanted me to stay, and she said no. i should have known. i was such a douche when she told me she loved me, i really shouldn't be surprised that she doesn't want to be around me.
the truth is, we haven't talked in almost two weeks, and it's taking a toll on me. i guess i just miss her presence. she was such a good friend to me. i think she was my favorite friend i had. does that make sense? a favorite friend?
i guess i
i furrow my brow when the entry ends in the middle of the sentence. then i remember i had come to his apartment, and he had been writing in the journal when i stepped into his room. how i wish i could tell him again that he didn't ruin my day, not in the least bit. i wish i could tell him a lot of things.
december 18, 2019
mom,
today was an eventful day.
i've mentioned before that some of us at wolfe are forming a bit of a rebellion against alec. i'm not doing it for me anymore, i'm doing it for emma.
which brings me back to the events of the day. alec sent us a threatening text earlier, and emma got really nervous. she started packing a bag and said she was going back home. for good.
i freaked the fuck out. i had all the words i should say just on the tip of my tongue, but she was moving so fast around her place i could barely comprehend what was happening.
i told her she couldn't leave because my life would be boring without her, but she used my own words against me. "how can you say that, and tell me i mean nothing?" she said.
i was panicking, at that point. i knew the only way i could make her stay was to tell her, so i finally grew a pair and said it.
i told emma that i love her, mom. i'll admit, for a minute she was just silent, and i thought her feelings might have changed. but they didn't. she loves me, mom, and i love her.
i've never felt so happy, i'll tell you. not since you were alive. i wish you could meet her, mom. you'd have a lot in common with her, i know it.
i just hope things don't go wrong.
i put my head in my hands, wiping my tears away. these are ethan's feelings, this is the way into his mind that i've wanted practically since the day i met him. my chest aches at his beautifully penned words. it hurts to know i'll never talk to him about this, to tell him how beautiful the letters in this journal are.
with an aching soul, i turn the page.
i widen my eyes at the words.
december 21, 2019
emma,
this is odd for me, to be writing to someone other than my mother. i don't know, maybe because the big party's tomorrow, or because this may be one of the last nights we spend together.
it's two a.m., and you're asleep. you look so calm and peaceful, so beautiful.
the truth is, i know exactly what's going to happen tomorrow. i know we're not getting out of this unscathed, but you'll get through it. you'll go back to san francisco, you'll be okay. maybe i won't, but it's not about me anymore.
i know if you ever found this out, you'd hate me. you'd want it to be both of us or neither of us, and trust me, i want it to be, too. but i promised i'd keep you safe, and by letting you go. that's what i'm doing.
you need to know that you've made me so happy, so unbelievably happy. you looked at me, someone who thought poorly of the entire idea of love, and you changed me so greatly i can barely comprehend it myself. i've never laughed as much as i've laughed with you, emma.
i love you, chambie, i love you so much. always remember that, because it will always be true.
forever yours,
- ethan
i throw the book into the front seat, putting my head in my hands. i can't believe this, i refuse to believe this.
ethan knew, he knew all along we'd be torn apart. and he never told me.
"fuck!" i yell, hitting my steering wheel in frustration. "you're such an idiot, ethan!"
i shake my head, shutting my eyes to stop the tears from rolling onto my cheeks. this is all too much for me.
i can't bear to think ethan is truly dead. the thought makes toy stomach churn and i lean my head back against the headrest of my seat and sigh.
"ethan, you can't be dead," i say out loud. "you can't be dead, you just can't."
cars whiz to and front on the highway next to me.
it's been five months. if ethan was alive, wouldn't he have contacted me?
"give me some sort of sign, at least," i whisper. "just give me a sign that you're alive or dead."
suddenly, my phone buzzes, making me jump. i pick it up quickly, taking a breath.
"hello?"
"emma, something fell out of the journal."
i sit up in my seat at my elizabeth's words.
"what?"
"it's a folded piece of paper or something, it's got words all over it, wait, it's more like three pieces of paper. no, there's more — god, is it an entire novel? jesus christ!"
"i'm on my way," i say, shifting my car into drive. "hold on, okay?"
"sure."
i hang up and pull out onto the highway, my heart beating fast.