ryland's pov
• the final chapter
later that day, after running home from school and heading straight into my room, i ignored my mom's shouts as to how my final exam went and threw myself onto my bed. sobs stole my ability to breathe as i hiccuped and gasped for air, muffling my cries with my pillow as i thrashed around in frustration, my mind casually strolling into overdrive as though it were a walk in the park.
gone.
chapter closed.
pen down.
that was it for shane and i, and although for the last six months i've been so desperately searching for the end to our story, this one just seems far too final.
my sleep that night was restless and short lived, and at a quarter past midnight i jolted a wake in a cold sweat with an uneasy feeling sat in the pit of my stomach. i'd been dreaming, something that in the last year or two i'd grown out of - or so i had thought. it was the kind of dream that made you pinch yourself. the kind of dream that, for the first few split seconds that your mind is awake, you think that every single fibre of your imagination was real life. that adrenaline rush happens; just like when you drop from the top of a roller coaster, except your whole body feels like it's being dragged six feet under.
this particular dream was set in a darkened room, with an ambiguous figure stood in the centre, his face disguised with one of those sickening anonymous masks from scream. his two arms held limp objects, and initially it was almost as though i didn't have my glasses on. the whole scene, albeit his face, was a blur that made my head spin. the more i squinted, the foggier everything got, until suddenly my vision shifted into a clear view. almost too clear.
in his left fist was a squirming body, dressed in all black, it's face constantly shifting from one person to another. first it was my mother, then my father, then austin and then morgan, and then this was repeated all over again. my mind was burning as i screwed my eyes closed and opened them again, before falling back on the changing face. everything lead to me realising that this was all just a figment of my imagination, yet something about the eeriness of the whole setting sent the hairs on the back of my neck alive.
what lay in his right hand made my stomach lurch. this body was lifeless and nauseatingly all too familiar. i nearly wished that this body's face would switch away from the bloodied image in front of me because, although my gaze was stuck, watching was all too painful. he looked beautiful. god, how can someone look beautiful when their skin is paper white and their eyes hold no life behind them and yes, they're stood in front of you and they're there and they're breathing, but are they truly alive? what defines life, and who decides when it's gone or when it arrives? shane took a ragged breath in front of me and i gulped, watching as the man's grip tightened on both shane's body and my family's.
"who do you choose?" the voice tauntingly asked. the sound didn't come from the mask, nor either body, yet rang in my ears and made my skin crawl as though it were nails on a chalkboard.
"this is a dream." i told myself in a feeble attempt to reassure brain, feeling bile rise up my throat as i stared into the mask. it didn't feel that way, but maybe telling myself this would set myself back into reality.
"making everybody happy, or shane? who do you choose, ryland?"
my lip began to wobble as i rubbed my eyes and looked at his right fist, the colour draining from shane's face. i fell to the ground, my legs crossing themselves before i could even tell them to.
"who do you choose?" the voice was no longer a quiet sound, but now a shout that succumbed my whole entire body.
"i don't know." i cried vulnerably. shakes manipulated my limbs as i cradled my head, rocking back and forth, covering my ears. shane's pleading, bloodied eyes met mine and i sobbed harder, my breathing heavy. "i don't know, i don't know."
"decide." the word flashed in front of my eyes and echoed down my spine and etched itself onto every inch of my skin.
"sh- shane." i blurted and my eyes widened and my head snapped upwards because i hadn't even felt the words fall out of my mouth.
the mask's straight lipped smile morphed into a smirk. "it's a shame, ryland. but it's too late now. you don't have a choice anymore. perhaps you never did." his grip on shane's bleeding body loosened and he went plummeting downwards and i awoke to the sound of his screams.
at first, as i sat shuddering in my own immature state of panic, i couldn't catch my breath. as i tried to control my lungs, the only question running through my mind was why on earth had i dreamt of choosing him? it wasn't as if anything was still there between us, there never would be, and regardless of whatever the little slip up had been yesterday, we were done.
"ow, fuck!"
i screwed my eyes closed as my mind continued to play tricks on me. i could hear shane's cursing in pain softly in the background and i shook my head rapidly, running my hands through my hair as i squeezed my eyes shut.
"motherfucker!" i heard and my eyes widened because by this point i'd fully gained consciousness and i was not dreaming anymore. begrudgingly, with nerves trickling down my skin, i hauled myself out of bed and stretched before putting on my glasses and walking over to my window. i clicked my little desk lamp on. it was the end of june, and the weather was hot and sticky at night. the only thing that covered my body was some nike running shorts and this huge t shirt that i'd bought at target the month we broke up because it had that stupid fucking band he liked on it and back then i thought that maybe i could cling onto the last little memories i had left of him without tearing my family apart.
my eyes adjusted as i stared into the dark, the sidewalk and my driveway illuminated by the dewy glow of the streetlamps. i blinked a few times and squinted, trying to see who on earth was hopping around my driveway with their foot in their hand with a unanimous object beside them.
"stupid thing." the figure muttered in annoyance and went to kick it before whining as his foot hit the object once more. i recognised the voice and my breath hitched, my stomach doing flips on itself.
"what the fuck are you doing?" i whisper-shouted through the window and shane's face jerked up to meet mine, a sheepish look crossing his face.
"well, you see.." despite the distance, i could clearly see him bite his lip as he scratched the back of his neck. he leaned down and picked up the cylinder at his feet, before raising it slightly in the air. "this is part of your drain pipe."
"what the fuck." i repeated, this time to myself under my breath. "why are you stood in my driveway in the middle of the night with part of my plumbing system in your hand?"
he grinned a little and it took all of my willpower not to let his infectious smile travel onto mine. "i was trying to climb up your wall and through your window to speak to you, but it turns out this whole romeo and juliet thing is not all it's cracked up to be."
"go home, shane. please." i begged, my heart aching at the mere sight of him. his presence pained me and the affect he had on me hadn't altered, not even half a year later.
the auburn boy's face fell. "look, you just left earlier, and i have something important to tell you. please. please let me come up." he pleaded and i hesitated, feeling every fibre in my body telling me to shut the window and go back to sleep and pretend none of this was even happening. "please, ryland. i fell, like, at least six feet trying to scale up your drain pipe and sneak inside without your mom and dad hearing. i know they've still got those electric locks on the door, i can hear them beeping from outside."
"you have five minutes." i hissed and turned away from the window, composing myself for a second and checking the degree of my insanity in the mirror. my eyes were puffy from crying from the remainder of yesterdays afternoon and i looked like a god damned mess in all honesty.
after another thirty seconds, shane was climbing through my window and looking at me with a hopeful smile. "so, i reassembled your pipe and managed to successfully climb up without damaging your drainage system any further, so i was wondering if i could up my time to ten minutes?"
he looked absolutely gorgeous, and i didn't want to think this at all but holy shit he did. he was dressed in that old green t shirt he let me borrow whenever i was at his house with some black basketball shorts, and had his fleecy jean jacket on from earlier that felt like a knife to my stomach. his auburn hair was all ruffled up, maybe from his fall or maybe because his hair didn't have to be styled nicely for him to look beautiful, and his eyes looked so ridiculously green and blue that i almost fell apart at his fingertips.
"just talk." i murmured, wanting my elongated heartbreak to be over as soon as possible. it wasn't like any feelings for him would resurface - no, as far as i was concerned, they were long gone - but just being in his presence made me feel so fragile that i feared for my sanity.
leaning against the window sill, he swallowed, and sighed. "i got in."
confused and still feeling slightly hazy from sleep, i raised my eyebrows for him to continue before it suddenly all fell into place. "to la. you got into uni." i realised slowly, feeling every part of my body sink to the floor.
"i- they're offering me a scholarship and everything, they think the school productions i filmed were faultless. faultless, ryland!" he exclaimed and his lips slowly grew into this huge smile and i had never been more indecisive as to whether i was overwhelmed with happiness or sadness.
aimlessly, i stood in the centre of my room and looked for the right words. they were there all along, sure, but how on earth did i even voice them? "so, you're leaving. los angeles film institute. i'm really happy for you." i managed to garble as positively as i could before feeling my eyes fill with tears. "i'm so happy for you."
a content look spread across him. "i couldn't of done it without you, honestly, i-"
"shane, don't." i interrupted and he stopped, turning red and apologising.
"tell me not to go and i wont." he spurted, his hand touching my arm and my heart jumped, making me freeze.
i shook my head in shock and took a step back, his words drowning in a puddle of my mixed emotions. "why are you here, shane?" i asked, swallowing my tears. "i thought we both agreed it was better to just move on as though this never happened."
he scoffed. "no, ryland, that's where you're wrong. you agreed. you agreed and you broke up with me and then you acted as though i never existed."
"it was for the best." i whispered and quietly, shane let out a cry of frustration.
"for who, ryland? your brother? your parents?" he asked, rubbing his face with his hands. "why is it that you get to decide whats best for us? why don't i get a say in it? why do you put every single person's needs before your own?" i could tell how desperate he was to raise his voice but it had to be at least two or three am and if my mom or dad found him in my room, they might just kill the both of us.
my words turned into mumbles. "it's not like that."
"i still love you." he blurted and stood up straight, his eyes now darker and bluer than usual. " i still love you and if you tell me to stay in california and be with you then i will."
in this moment, my world dissolved into pure smithereens, and every single touch and kiss and whisper since september suddenly came flooding back, sending me flying. it was almost as though all the feelings i'd repressed over the last six months of us being apart were hitting me at once and i was grieving. grieving everything i lost by letting go just to keep people happy. grieving his love.
"shane, please, i can't do this. we can't do this. i don't feel- i don't- not after everything that happened." i took a deep breath and managed to spit out as many words as i could without shattering into tiny fragments of glass.
agonisingly, he took a few steps towards me so we were just a few feet apart. "tell me you don't love me anymore." he demanded, eyes glossy and cheeks pink. i stayed silent. "see, you can't do it."
"shane." i tried reasoning, brushing my hair out my eyes and looking everywhere but his eyes because i was too scared of falling again.
"go on. tell me you don't love me anymore. do it." he looked at me expectantly as i opened my mouth and closed it again, at a complete loss for words because uttering what he requested seemed impossible.
"please don't." i whispered back, averting my gaze to the ground and feeling flutters coarse through my whole entire being.
"look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore!" he exclaimed, frustrated, and despite our attempts to keep our words hushed, this time his voice raised slightly.
"i don't love you anymore!" i burst out and bit my tongue as my exclamation painted an unreadable expression over his face.
we stared at each other in this unusual silence that somehow felt comfortable, of all things. his eyes bored into mine in this stand off that held so much tension that onlookers might've questioned who would crumble first.
but then his hands were in my hair and my back was against the wardrobe and his lips were on mine and somehow, in this huge conundrum of uncertainty, everything was okay again. this kiss, unlike any of our others, showed how broken we were in the most fixable of ways. our mouths were together and this somehow repaired our hearts. my arms wrapped around his neck and brought him closer, bringing him into the middle of my room as he began kissing down my collarbone. we were needy and desperate and falling apart, and as shane tugged at the bottom of the beach boys t shirt i had brought just to cling onto him that little bit longer, i realised that there was nothing more beautiful than fragility.
it's okay to be horribly straight forward and it's okay to crave the lips of another and it is okay to just love because we are human. it is okay to send reckless text messages and it is okay to tell someone that their existence is purely magnificent and it is okay to say "kiss me slower" or "love me harder" and"fall further". it's okay to fall in love and to feel vulnerable and out of touch with society when your lips touch your significant other's. god, it's okay to fall in love and it's okay to put yourself first because there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. and there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care about anyone or anything.
we are young and alive and we have freckles on our skin and knots in our hair and stupid crushes on our older brothers best friends because we are human. and that is what being alive is. it is not breathing, or existing, or doing something worthwhile in your life. being alive is being human and being human means you can live. we are not as in control as we think we are and we never know who needs us back, so in that moment, let him kiss you slower and love you harder and fall further because that is what love is. love is communication and connection and this unspoken of acknowledgement between each other that no matter what, that single little thread that held us together in the first place will never really snap. sure, it may fray and it may grow thin at the edges or loose so much colour that it's almost invisible, but some bonds can just never be broken.
because that is being human, and that is being alive, and that is being in love.
"this is such a bad idea." the auburn boy in front of me hurriedly panted, running his hands through my shortly cut hair before letting his fingers trail across my rib cage. the edge of his fingernail pulled threads at my mind and i struggled to breathe. if anyone walked in, we would be universally screwed and any chance of me ever leaving the house again would be obsolete.
we were a flawless mess; clothes strung across the slightly moth eaten carpet, skin damp with sweat and broken promises, eyes full of guilt because the feelings that flew around the room belonged hidden, locked away. my heart was racing uncontrollably and quivering against my chest, the dim lighting the slightly broken lampshade provided casting a warm glow across our shirtless backs.
i nodded, inhaling sharply as he lifted me onto the battered desk that sat alone in the corner of my bedroom, the one where i'd spent hours with my head in my hands trying to erase the problem i was currently worsening. before i could even comprehend his words and reconcile a frivolous answer, his mouth was on mine again; kisses of forbidden glances, touches of cursed thoughts and the inability to know right from wrong.
"shane, this is so wrong, we-"
he smiled - that irresistable smile where the right side of his mouth twitches up first into this stupidly gorgeous smirk - and his hand moved over my mouth as his lips detached from my own.
"shh, your brother will hear."
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a/n: the END. THE END. anyone recognise the last few paragraphs? yep, it's the preface that was right at the start of the book! i hope you have enjoyed this book, i have put hundreds of hours of effort into it and i've never had an idea planned out as far as this one! since chapter 8 i've been planning and building up to this ending. please vote and comment and tell me what you think!
i can't believe it's over.
well... almost over.
who wants an epilogue?
because, in all honesty, why even is this book called ROOM 207?
coming soon:)