Out of Time
Chapter 18
93 days before
And so we fell asleep. I was exhausted from crying, and Erin was exhausted from comforting me. We just fell asleep in each others' arms, and it was peaceful, like nothing could bother us, like everything was normal, yet in reality was anything but.
When I woke up Erin was still curled into me, her chest rising and falling softly. I brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear, and she smiled in her sleep, creating a smile on my face as well. I kissed her forehead softly, and she woke up from the gentle touch. "Morning beautiful," I smiled.
"Morning handsome," Erin smiled back, kissing my cheek.
I grinned at her. Despite my hair loss, how it was thinning away to what would be nothing, she still found me attractive, still loved me. That's what I love most about her, that what I think most people would do in her situation, she does the opposite. She stays where she wants and goes where she pleases and I love that about her.
"What are you thinking about?" Erin asked, the smile on her face still there.
"You," I said.
She pressed her lips against mine, kissing me slowly. I kissed her back for a moment before pulling away. "How about we go down to the cafe for breakfast?" Erin said.
"That sounds great," I said, sighing contently.
We both didn't move from our spots for another few minutes. "Jay?" She said.
"Hm?"
"We should probably leave."
"But I'm comfortable..."
"Just get up," Erin giggled, getting out of bed and taking my hand, pulling me out with her. I took a dramatic sigh. "If it makes you feel any better we can go in our pajamas."
"Absolutely it does," I said.
She smirked at me. "I'm sure they'd love your choice in pajama pants. Beer mugs? Really?"
"Course," I laughed, putting on my shoes before grabbing my beanie, carefully putting it on.
Erin smiled sadly at me before lacing our fingers together, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. "Ready?" She asked.
"Ready."
---
When we arrived at Cafe Cream we ordered our teas and croissants and sat down beside the large window, overlooking the trees that were shedding their colorful autumn leaves. "So how's the writing going?" Erin asked after a moment.
I bit my lip. "I haven't written much, and it's not the greatest, so I've been having Tom help. We were writing a song over the phone when I was still recovering in the hospital."
Erin nodded. "You think I can hear one?"
"They're not exactly happy songs..."
"It's fine. I just want to hear your voice," Erin smiled, reaching for my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.
I smiled back at her. "Tell you what, if you help me with my next video, I'll let you hear one."
"Deal."
I grinned at her, bringing her hand up to my lips and kissing it softly. I then reached over to the bag and pulled out the croissant. "Want some?" I asked, and Erin, as usual, nodded. I split it into halves, and gave her one like I always did and we started eating.
We both eventually finished up, tossing our trash into the trash can and leaving. We arrived at our house, and before we could do anything, Erin grabbed my hand, playing with my fingers. "Everything okay?" I asked.
She nodded. "Kind of nervous to do the video if I'm being honest though."
"Don't worry," I reassured her, "you'll be fine."
Erin bit her lip, nodding again and sat down as I got my laptop out and logged onto YouTube. "Ready?"
"Ready," Erin said, and I held her hand as I pressed record.
"Hey everyone. It's been awhile since I've talked to you guys. And so much has happened, for better or for worse, I'm guessing you know which," I said sadly, and then removed my beanie from my head.
"So my hair's gone now. I was afraid to wash it, let alone touch it for so long, and I guess it wouldn't have mattered anyways. It all just fell out. But I guess it's just another reason for me to prove myself, for me to fight harder for myself. Erin's helped a lot with that," I said, giving Erin's hand a gentle squeeze, smiling softly at her.
"You still look great with or without your hair," Erin said, smiling softly.
I grinned at her, kissing her temple softly before resting my forehead against hers for a moment, pulling away soon after. "She's been my inspiration, my rock. I don't know what I would do without her," I smiled, making Erin blush.
"She's actually the source of one of the songs my mate Tom and I wrote. She's the reason why we wrote it, and I don't know if you all would mind, but I'd like to sing, for her and for you because I'm not quite sure how else to show a thank you. I'm not exactly talented or eloquent with words, so I guess a song would have to be it."
I racked my brain for the memory of the beat, eventually finding it and giving Erin a smile. I took a breath and began singing.
"Words travel fast. So you spend all your time in your head. What's the point in that? 'Cause words never last. What you say now is not what you said. And I'm okay with that."
I took Erin's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as I looked into her eyes, smiling.
"You're keeping yourself tied up. So you won't let me down. Didn't you ever think, just maybe. I'll understand you. Just give me the chance to. Love you more than you'll ever know. Even if it means I gotta let you go... With or without me. Baby you should be happy. If you're heading down another road. Don't you leave me with nowhere to go. Don't let me be the last to know, yeah. Don't let me be the last to know."
Erin's eyes were glistening; a teary shine had been been created as she watched me sing.
"You take all I have. Still I pour you a half-empty glass. What's the point in that? And all I ever asked. Is that you tell me when it's not enough. 'Cause if it's real love."
"I'll understand you. Just give me the chance to. Love you more than you'll ever know. Even if it means I gotta let you go... With or without me. Baby you should be happy. If you're heading down another road. Don't you leave me with nowhere to go. Don't let me be the last to know."
I took a deep breath. This was meant to be Nathan's part, as he was actually a singer and had amazing vocals, so it was a bit rough for me.
"And maybe you'll find what you really wanted. 'Cause what you left behind and all your dreams are haunted. Maybe I'll move on, or maybe I'll just stay. Either way. I hope you'll understand me. If I say we can't be. So if you wanna go. I want you to know."
"I'll understand you. Just give me the chance to. Love you more than you'll ever know. Even if it means I gotta let you go... With or without me. Baby you should be happy. If you're heading down another road. Don't you leave me with nowhere to go. Don't let me be the last to know, yeah. Don't let me be the last to know. Don't let me be the last to know."
I finished up singing, leaning back into my seat as Erin smiled at me, placing her hand on my cheek as she leaned in, pressing her lips to mine. I smiled into the kiss, taking a moment to enjoy the feeling of her lips on mine before pulling away, resting my forehead against hers lovingly. I sighed contently before pulling away, Erin giving my hand an affectionate squeeze. "I um... I guess that's all I had for this video. To everyone that has donated to the campaigns I want you to know that I am deeply grateful for the support, and that any money that goes over will be donated for the cure for cancer. I can't thank any of you enough and hopefully some of you will be at the concert so I can thank you personally. I don't know the date of the concert yet, but when I do you all will be the first to know. I love all of you. Bye," I said, Erin and I both waving to the camera before I turned it off.
We were both silent for a moment, but it was a comfortable silence, the kind you didn't mind at all because sometimes words just weren't needed at the moment. "I love you, Jay," Erin finally said, finally breaking the silence.
"I love you too," I smiled, kissing her forehead.
"I can't believe you wrote that song. It was beautiful," Erin said.
I looked at her. "I was kind of afraid you weren't going to like it. We wrote that when I was in the hospital, when you left."
Erin nodded sadly. "I won't ever leave again. I promise."
I nodded. "Okay." Erin bit her lip, looking a bit nervous. "Everything okay?"
"I umm... Come with me," she said, wrapping both of her hands around mine.
"Where?" I asked.
She smiled. "To your place."
I smiled back at her, and she stood up, bringing me up with her. We walked out to the car after grabbing our jackets and she drove us to the pond. Despite being a bit chilly because it was fall, we still went. I didn't mind at all. I loved it there: the atmosphere, the scenery, the quiet. It was just a good place to escape.
When we arrived I laced my fingers with hers and we walked to the pond, sitting down on the rock and smiling at the view. Erin had rested her head on my shoulder, and I rested mine on top of hers. I breathed a sigh of content before pulling away and asking, "So, is everything okay?"
Erin bit her lip. "I think it's time for you to know everything."
"What do you mean know everything?"
"I mean know why I have all these scars, why I'm so bipolar, why I'm here in the first place," Erin said.
My eyes widened slightly. I knew I was going to find out, I just didn't expect it to be this soon. Why now? Why here? It was like Erin was reading my thoughts because she said, "I can't think of a better place to do it, and I need to get this off of my chest. I know everything about you, you need to know everything about me."
I nodded and she sighed. "I guess I'll start from the beginning I guess," Erin said. "When I was younger I was into sports, a little too into sports, but you already know that. I was bullied for it, cut myself because of it, and I attempted suicide twice. The second time I tried I was in college, and my mom sent me to a rehabilitation center for a semester of schooling. It didn't do anything. All the doctors I've been to at the center deemed me clinically unstable, but my mom didn't listen. She pulled me back out because of my studies and that was that. She always got her way."
"Unfortunately when I arrived back at college news had spread that I went to rehab. Things spiraled out of control; the bullying continued, my freaking dorm window was smashed by a rock...and then I was taken advantage of by this one guy I thought was trying to help me," Erin said, visibly shuddering at the memories, so I gave her a gentle squeeze before she continued.
"His name was Jake. He seemed perfect: attractive, athletic like me, smart. He came to my dorm one day and started talking to me. I honestly didn't believe it at all. Here I was, the widely popular girl solely for being unstable who was always being picked on was talking to this guy who supposedly seemed to care about me. It was all too good to be true, and I wish I could have known that before he...he raped me."
My mouth dropped slightly at that, and Erin nodded. "He came over one night and forced me to take off all my clothes and just raped me. This happened a few times. I was forced into being a sex slave until I just couldn't take it anymore. I moved into an apartment off campus and didn't see him for a week. And that's when things got even worse. He started saying that I was a slut, that I was this dirty girl who needed attention, and he needed a good time. I switched colleges after that and graduated, but he never stopped following me. He threatened he would ruin me if I didn't give him what he wanted, and that's when I left. I booked a flight to England and moved here. Jay, I was never really a virgin when we did it. I didn't want to count me being raped, and when we did it...I felt used again. But you were so sweet and caring about it that you convinced me to stay. I can't thank you enough for that, Jay."
I was shocked at her story. She tried committing suicide, went to rehab, was raped. Her past was as littered with emotional tragedies as her arms were as littered with scars. It broke my heart.
I pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly and feeling her arms snake their way around my torso. "I love you so so much. You're so amazing and brave," I said softly, kissing the top of her head.
Erin stayed silent against my chest, and I had to respect that. Sharing events of that caliber had to be difficult. I couldn't even comprehend how she went through all of that. Sure I was bullied too, but it was never to the extent that she had. She then started crying silently, causing me to hug her tighter. "Shhh it's okay. Let it out," I whispered.
"He...h-he raped me. He shoved m-me against the wall and forced me to take m-my clothes off. I-I begged him n-not to, but he just kept hitting m-me against the wall until I gave i-in," she cried.
My heart broke even further learning about her abuse. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, gently rubbing her back.
"Please don't leave me. Don't treat me differently," Erin begged. "I need you, Jay."
"I need you too," I whispered, continuing to rub her back.
Erin didn't say another word after that, her thoughts and words being taken over by sobs, and I just let her cry into my chest. She just needed to let it all out, and I let her. Sometimes you just need to be sad to be happy again.
Eventually she calmed down, but her head was still buried into my chest. "Promise me you'll stay?" Erin asked.
"With or without me, baby, you should be happy," I said, quoting lyrics from the song earlier.
"Promise me, Jay. Please," Erin begged. "Stay with me?"
"Always," I said, kissing her forehead.
She nodded against my chest. "We should go. You're going to get sick. I can't let my selfishness kill you," she said sadly.
"Erin, you are in no way selfish," I said.
"How? I always snap at you because I get mad and can't control my emotions, you're always worrying about me, Jay, I honestly don't understand why you don't break up with me," Erin said.
"Because I already did once, and look what happened," I said.
"You can always do it again..."
"No. Not a chance. I promised my always to you," I said.
"And how long is that always?" Erin asked.
I sighed. "I don't know."
Erin nodded. "It'll be enough," she said, kissing my cheek.
I was saddened once again knowing I was dying within about three months. I honestly didn't know how I was carrying my body wherever I went, how it actually responded to what I wanted for a change. I'm kind of waiting for it to stop functioning. Erin noticed my change in mood and brought her hand up to caress my cheek. "Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," she said.
"I know. It's fine," I said. A gust of wind blew at that moment, causing me to shiver. I couldn't get sick. Just one virus, one infection, would be enough to kill me within a matter of days. I couldn't shorten my life span any more. I just couldn't. "Let's go home though."
Erin nodded, taking my hand and letting us walk to the car, getting inside and driving back home, blasting the heat on the way back. I was freezing, however. I wrapped my arms tightly around my body as Erin drove, hugging my jacket closer to my body. "You alright, Jay?" Erin asked worriedly, taking a quick glance at me.
I just nodded, rubbing my hands quickly up and down my arms. Erin bit her lip. "I'll drive faster," she said, and increased her speed.
We eventually arrived home and walked inside. "I'll get the fireplace going," Erin said, disappearing into the living room.
I sat down on the couch, grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around my body. I sniffled a bit and felt my forehead. I was burning up. "Shit," I mumbled.
Erin soon returned, and I smelled the fire burning. "I got it going," Erin said, reaching for my hand to hold, passing her thumb over my knuckles.
I nodded. "Thank you."
"Come on, Jay. You have to warm up," Erin said, helping me stand and wrapping an arm around my waist, bringing me into the living room and having me sit down on the couch.
"I'll go make you a cup a tea. You just relax here," she said, before leaving the room to go into the kitchen.
I sneezed and groaned in response, knowing I was getting sick. We were outside in the cold for an hour. It must have been too long. "Almost done, Jay. Just hang in there," Erin said from the kitchen.
"Okay," I said, pulling my knees up to my chest.
She eventually walked into the room, setting my tea on the table. Wrapping her arms around me in attempt to make me warm, I curled into her, needing her comfort and body heat. "I shouldn't have taken you out. I'm so sorry," Erin said sadly, her voice full of guilt.
I shook my head. "I-it's fine. I'm fine."
"But you're not, Jay. You're so cold," Erin said.
"Just help me up to the fire," I said softly.
Erin nodded, helping me up, but I felt my knees go weak. "I've got you. Don't worry, Jay," she said, wrapping her arm around me and letting me sit down.
She sat beside me on the floor after grabbing another blanket and wrapping it around my shoulders. I sneezed again, and Erin looked at me sadly. "Should I bring you to Dr. Johnson?"
"I think I'll just take my pills for now. Maybe it'll pass?" I said.
"Or maybe it won't," Erin said.
"Please," I begged. "I need them."
Erin nodded, standing up and walking upstairs, grabbing my pills and a glass of water. I took them once she came back, looking down at the floor sadly. "Jay?" Erin said quietly.
I looked up at her, my eyes glistening. "I'm getting worse," I whispered.
Erin nodded, sitting down beside me and wrapping her arm around my waist. "All the more reason for you to fight," she said.
I sniffled, nodding my head. "Erin, can I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"When you were gone I was researching online. I found out that if I ever wanted a family...it's impossible," I said softly.
"What are you talking about, Jay?" Erin asked.
"Once I take chemotherapy I...I can't have kids. I'm infertile now, Erin. That's one of the things I've always wanted, and now I don't even get a chance," I whispered.
"Oh Jay," Erin said, rubbing my arm affectionately as she kissed my cheek.
"I can't have kids," I whispered.
"That doesn't mean you can never try," Erin said.
I looked up confused at her, tears trickling down my face. "What are you talking about?"
Erin reached up to touch my cheek, gently brushing my tears away with her thumb. "We can try, Jay," Erin whispered.
"What? Erin, but I...but we-we can't! We haven't been dating that long and you want to have kids?" I said.
"Isn't it what we both want?"
"But so soon?"
She soon moved my hand to her stomach and nodded her head, gently pressing her lips to mine. "Let's have a baby, Jay."
I was shocked, totally unsure if the decision was right, but I kissed back nonetheless. I moved my chilled hands up to her cheeks as our lips moved in sync. I knew this wasn't the right decision I just knew it, but here I was making out with the girl who would soon be a mother.
What would happen with the child? Erin is hardly emotionally stable, and it would be raised solely by Erin as I would no longer be around. I would die without looking at my son or daughter's face for the first time, and the thought broke my already fragile heart. I pulled away from her, looking into her eyes. "Erin, we can't," I finally said, my breathing staggered from the kissing.
"But...why? Isn't this what you want?" She asked.
"But is it what you want? Erin, this would have been the second time we've had sex, and we're just not ready. I'm not ready. And what would happen to our child? You would have to raise it by yourself because I know for a fact I won't be alive long enough to take care of him or her. We can't, Erin. I'm sorry," I said, looking at her with doleful eyes.
"No, I'm sorry," Erin said, bringing me into her arms, hugging me tightly.
I hugged her back, my blankets falling off of my back. "Were you ready?" I asked softly.
"I think I was," Erin whispered.
I breathed in her scent, nestling my face into her neck. "I just don't think I could live the rest of my life knowing I won't be able to see my little girl or boy," I whispered.
"I understand," she whispered.
"Okay," I said.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
---
We went to bed that night, and the silence was a bit awkward. I wasn't sure whether or not to wrap my arm around her, and so I was afraid of what Erin would say. She turned around after I didn't do anything, and we didn't say anything for a moment. "I'm sorry for making things awkward between us," she said softly.
"Let's just put this behind us, okay?" I said, reaching for her hand and entwining our fingers together.
"Okay," Erin said softly, bringing my hand up to her lips and kissing it.
I smiled at her, kissing her lips softly. "Goodnight, love."
"Goodnight, Jay."
---
That night I had a dream. An amazing dream that I wished was a reality.
Erin and I were both sitting on the couch as I held our daughter. I smiled down at her, my eyes glistening with love as she put her finger into her mouth, sucking on it quietly. "She's so adorable," Erin smiled, resting her head on my shoulder.
"She really is," I grinned.
"Mummy? Daddy?" A little boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes then ran up to Erin, tugging on her jeans.
We both smiled at him. "I'm hungry, Mummy," he pouted.
"Is that so?" Erin said, pulling him up on her lap.
He nodded, pouting. "Well let's go get you some lunch," Erin smiled, taking him off of her lap and holding his hand, walking with him into the kitchen.
"See that little girl? You're going to be in good hands. We love you so so much," I whispered, kissing her forehead.
That's when I woke up from my dream, looking over at Erin. I gently shook her awake, and forgetting all about the possible future consequences, I said, "Erin, I think we should."
Erin rubbed her eyes awake, looking at me wearily. "Jay? What are you talking about?"
"Erin, I want to have a baby."
~~~~~~~~~~~
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