Bigla akong napabalikwas sa pagkakahiga ko. Ugh nakakainis! I'm in the process of falling asleep when the doorbell rang, I have a hard time sleeping because of insomnia at kung kelan nakakatulog na ako saka may mang-iistorbo.
I glance at Dora, my wall clock, ulo kasi ni Dorang lakwatsera ang design nito na nasa may itaas ng pinto sa kwarto ko, pero lalo lang akong nainis kasi maghahating gabi na pala. Who would be pestering me at this hour?
I get up and open a chest of drawers looking for some decent clothes, after changing to something presentable -at least to me, which is a long hello kitty shirt that ends just above my knee, I literally drag my feet to the main door.
I switch on the light in the living room and I get a shock of my life after seeing someone standing at the door!
"Oh F**k!" Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko sa sobrang gulat. "You surprised me to death! Bakit pumapasok ka nalang?!" Hindi ko manlang narinig na bumukas ang pinto.
It's Heins my long gone bestfriend whom I am deeply in love with.
He walks past me and sits on the sofa, then places his feet over the center table. "What took you so long? It's too early for you to be sleeping, 'glad you didn't change your password." Sabi nito nang makaupo na ng komportable, at home na at home matapos ang lahat. "And since when did you start using the f word?" Biglang tanong nito, ang kanyang mga mata parang naging mapanuri ang tingin sa akin.
I started using that word and many others of the same class since nung hindi na sya nagpakita so better ignore his question and change the topic. "Naligaw ka yata?" Tanong ko.
Last year pa nung huli kaming magkita, he was so into his girlfriend that time and that b*tch asked him to stop being friends with me and obviously sinunod nya yung narrow-minded b*tch na yon. Nagpaalam naman sya na hindi nya muna ako gagambalain at sana ganoon din daw ako, naintindihan ko naman kasi alam ko hindi nya ako matitiis. Pero hindi ko inakala na aabot sa isang taon, mahal nya nga siguro ang babaeng yon at ako kaibigan lang talaga.
"I miss my bestfriend." Sagot niya.
Hindi ko napigilang i-roll ang pretty eyes ko ng 180°. Oh God help me, I'm sick of that word!
When he's being like this, I know he has a problem. Naaalala lang naman nya ako kapag may problema sya, kaya nga kahit masama man lagi kong pinapanalangin na sana lagi syang may problema. My home is his sanctuary and my shoulder, his pillow.
I sit beside him and start the routine bestfriends do. "What is it? Did something come up? Did you two.. break up?" Here I am again reprising my role as dakilang tagapakinig, tagasermon sa babaerong 'to, tagapayo na syempre laging bias, natural mahirap kayang maging neutral kung may interes ka.
Hindi ko inexpect ang naging reaksyon nya sa tanong ko. Tiningnan lang nya ako at natawa sya. "How long have you been wishing that?" Tanong nito.
"Uhm, since you left me?" Tumawa nalang din ako, kahit papano may katotohanan naman yung sagot ko kahit na palagi ko namang pinagdarasal na maghiwalay na sila sa tuwing may bago syang girlfriend.
"I never leave you." Seryosong sabi ni Heins though I'm trying to lighten up the air.
Umusod sya sa may tabi ko, then he places his head on my shoulder and I realize how much I miss him, matindi pa nga sa inakala ko parang gusto ko syang gahasain. Hay ano ba yan, pinagnanasaan ko na naman si Heins! Pinatok-patok ko ang ulo ko na nakasanayan ko ng gawin kapag kung ano ano ng naiisipan ko.
"I'm sorry.." He says while casually stopping my hand from tapping my precious head.
"I understand, I'm just.. a friend." He holds my hands without looking at me and now I'm hoping again.
"I'm also sorry to disappoint you, we didn't break up.. we're getting married."
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
After a long silence I'm glad I manage to say something. "Well congratulations! I was wrong, you were really serious." Ito na yata ang pinakamasakit na kasinungalingan na nasabi ko, ang i-congratulate sya habang pakiramdam ko nawala ang lahat sa akin.
"I told you I'm dead serious with her, all my past girlfriends told me that I can't be friends with you coz they were jealous or whatever, and she was the only one I listened to." He lets go of my hand swiftly and rubs his eyes.
I suppress my tears from coming out and I'm thankful he can't see me.
"So that means we can't even be friends for life, kaya ka ba pumunta dito? Huling paalam, ganun?" I ask faking a laugh hoping it can hide my cracked voice.
"She's already changed, she's mature now and I'm marrying her, she doesn't have to worry for nothing." Nothing.. So I'm just nothing to him! "I told her I wouldn't marry her if she still insists that I can't see you." Yung boses nya yung parang inaantok na.
"So I still matter?" Tanong ko.
"Always." Sagot nya na halos pabulong nalang.
"Is she pregnant?"
"Yeah."
Kinagat ko ang pang ibabang labi ko baka sakaling mapigilan pa ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko na nagbabadya ng bumagsak, nakadungaw na as if saying to me 'hello! Ilabas mo na yan this is your last chance! "So you're going to be a father." Nasabi ko nalang, wala talaga akong lakas ng loob na sabihin ang aking tunay na nararamdaman lalo pa sa sitwasyon ngayon.
"Yea." Mahinang mahina na ang sagot niya na parang sa sarili nalang nya sinasabi.
"Do you love her?"
"Hmm.."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagluha. "Do you love her?" Tanong ko ulit.
No response. So my shoulder will always be his pillow, literally.
When he's in a relationship I always ask him if he's serious this time, and he always say he is but they would eventually break up, so I guess he's just playing around and I always say to myself: 'Mapapagod din sya at sa huli sa akin pa rin ang bagsak nya.'
Alam ko na alam nya na mahal ko sya, at nararamdaman ko na mahal din nya ako. We have this silent understanding of our feelings with each other, but we just stay dormant like Mayon volcano, it's silent for now but you are certain it will explode, you're just uncertain as to when.
I tried but failed many times to confess my feelings for him because I'm afraid I might be wrong and I'm just hallucinating that he loves me, but then I felt it, I really don't know maybe I'm just seeing it differently.
He knows that I have this 'open policy' towards him so I decided to just wait for him until one day he came to my house.. I would never forget that day because that was the day he said he'll be gone temporarily from my life as a friend.
#throwback last year
"Isabel just gave me an ultimatum, it's either you or her." Umiling-iling pa ito. "I just don't understand them why are they so jealous about you. I mean, all my girlfriends had, at some point in our relationship, threatened me to choose. We're just friends what's the big deal about you being a friend?"
Sanay na ako sa ganitong eksena pag may bago syang girlfriend, madalas hindi naman nya pinapakinggan ang mga yon pero aaminin ko parang mahal nya talaga si Isabel. Para malaman ko, pag may date sya tatawagan ko sya kunwari emergency, usually pinupuntahan nya ako pero last time na ginawa ko yon hindi nya ako pinuntahan.
"You still don't get it, do you?" Itong mga ganitong pagkakataon ang gustong gusto ko kasi napapaalala ko sa kanya kung gaano ako kaganda, 'chos lang. "It's because I'm ten times sexier and a hundred times prettier than them." This is my usual answer when he's wondering why those b*tches are acting that way, to blame it to my 'naguumapaw na kagandahan' and his usual response?
"Really? I didn't notice." He scans me from head to toe and acts like he's not convinced. I really hate him.
"Bakit may iba pa bang rason?!" Galit-galitan pero trick question ito and I want to find the answer from how he answers it. Great, right?
He stays silent for exactly 3 seconds and asks me back. "Is there a reason?"
U-oh. Not so great. I didn't expect this. Tumawa lang ako at nagkibit-balikat at natawa lang din sya.
Tumingin sya sa'kin at seryosong sinabi. "This is the first time I really have to think about it."
"About what?" Hindi ko maiwasan ang umasa na naman. Is he going to say what I'm dying to hear all these years?
"About what Isabel asks, I can't lose her, I love her so much.. I never thought I could care for a girl more than I care about you. I always choose you over them because I value you so much, you're my dearest friend. I tried to explain.. but she just can't understand."
I was wrong. I can see that his visit is to actually say goodbye, he really loves that girl and I'm losing any hope. I am tempted to say that I may not be able to survive without him by my side even as a friend, but I lied. "I understand, it's not that I would die if I don't see you. We're just friends but I'm gonna miss you though."
end of #throwback
I come back to the present when he finally wakes up.
Umayos sa pagkakaupo si Heins nang magising sya. "Hmm what's with your shoulder? I always fell asleep when I lean on it." Sabi nya saka tumingin sa relo nya. "I think I should go."
He is about to stand when he seems to remember something. "Oh, by the way-" Sumandal ulit sya sa headrest ng sofa, tumingala sa kisame at napabuga pa ng hangin. "Mark your calendar I'm gonna end it all on January 5th, this is the last year of my freedom ahhh!" He announces it like he's a soldier chosen to go to Liberia as peacekeeper. Bakit ba nagpapakasal pa ang mga lalaki gayong parang feeling nila end of the world na?
So 'yon pala talaga yon? He visits me just to deliver the last news I want to hear and much much worse, invites me to the last event I would want to happen?
"That's a little over two months now!" Napasigaw na ako, hindi ko na naitago ang pagkadismaya buti hindi na nya pinansin ang OA na reaction ko. Parang ngayon lang tuluyang naregister sa isip ko na wala na talaga akong pagasa. Isi-celebrate ko pala ang araw ng mga patay literally and figuratively, I feel like I'm dying without faith in life after death.
"Pupunta ka ha." Pa-slang pa ang pagkakasabi nya nito, he grew up in Germany because his Dad is German malamang, kaya medyo asiwa syang mag-Tagalog. Minsan nga iniisip ko umaarte lang e, mahigit isang dekada na kaya sya dito sa Pilipinas.
Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong nya dahil hindi ko talaga kakayanin na masaksihan ang groom ko na maging husband ng iba.
"I won't marry if you're not there." Sabi pa ni Heins. Kasi ikaw ang bride.. Parang gusto kong idugtong.
"Then I better not come at all." This is probably the first implied truth I ever said in this conversation and I delivered it as a joke.
"I'm serious. I want you to witness the event that would become the most historical day of my life. Life turning. Ahh the end is near." And he began singing My Way as he stands and prepares to leave.
Hinampas ko sya sa braso para patigilin. "Don't sing that! Prone sa accident yung mga ikakasal." I'd rather see him with that b*tch for life, than see him lifeless.
Tumayo na rin ako para ihatid sya sa pinto pero nagulat ako nang bigla syang humarap sa akin. He kissed me on the cheek and hugs me tightly, of course I didn't waste a second and hug him back. It is so magical how can a moment feel like eternity.
I want us to be like this forever.. in each other's arms.. but he gets away from our embrace. Placing his hands on my shoulder he distances himself as he looks down.. and down. I wonder what's wrong then suddenly, it hit me big time. F*ck!
Tinakip ko kaagad ang mga braso ko sa dibdib ko at tumalikod sa kanya. Hay nakakainis wala pa ring pinagbago, manyak pa rin! At kahit ako hindi manlang exempted!
"Don't go open the door to anyone without wearing a bra, how many times do I have to say that?!" Medyo hypher na ito. Hay nakakainis talaga sana nagpanggap nalang sya na di nya nahalata! hindi ba nya alam na nakakahiya sa part ko? At bakit ba sya sumisigaw?! Selos?? Sana..
"E mga girl friends ko lang naman pumupunta dito e." Sagot ko, nakatalikod parin ako sa kanya.
"You're still single? My God you're thirty! You still not accepting Jason's proposal? You're not getting any younger." Anlabo talaga yung tono nya kanina parang ayaw nyang may ibang makakita sakin na ganun tapos ngayon parang gusto nya akong ibugaw!
"Kalabaw lang ang tumatanda, and for the record 29 lang ako! Umalis kana nga!" Naubos na talaga ang pasensya ko dahil pinaalala na naman nya ang edad ko na sobrang insecure pa naman ako kasi si Isabel ay 24 lang. Humarap na ulet ako sa kanya at tinulak na sya palabas na parang aso. "Get out! Chu chu!!"
At nang nasa labas na sya may pahabol pa ang walanghiya, tinuro nya ang dibdib ko at galit na sinabi. "Don't forget what I said!"
"Agghhh!" And I shut the door closed.
[Torn's Note: Pardon the badwords here, this character just feels like crap, oops sorry haha :]