I walked away.
Pushing on Jack's chest, I broke the kiss and turned on my feet, drunkenly stumbling up the sidewalk as I attempted to put as much distance between Jack and I as possible.
"Troye!" Jack called after me, his hurried footsteps approaching me from behind.
"Shit." I said in a panic and began to move faster. Unfortunately, my coordination was impaired and I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk.
I braced myself for the fall when two arms wrapped around me, steadying me on my feet.
My head spun and I groaned in pain as a migraine began to surface. "Let me go." I moaned, barely able to comprehend what was happening.
"I don't want to." Jack muttered in my ear but I wasn't having any of it. Wasted or not, I wasn't stupid.
Kicking out, I struggled in his grasp. "Let me go!"
Jack backed off but remained close in case I tripped again. "You're drunk Troye," he said. "Let me help you."
"Oh, like you've been doing so well lately?" I spat. "Fuck off, Jack."
Jack bristled against my aggressive tone. It was rare that I swore and when I did, it meant I was beyond furious and Jack knew it all too well.
I began to make my way up the street again when Jack caught me around the waist. I thrashed against him. "Let me go!"
"No!" Jack threw back. "You can't even walk. There's no way I'm leaving you in this state."
I scoffed. "As if you care. Tell me, would you even be here right now if I was sober?"
He doesn't reply and I scoff in his direction, moving to leave again. "I didn't think so."
"Claire told me you were going out tonight. She's worried about you."
"Always on someone else's agenda, isn't it?" I laughed darkly. "Grow a pair of balls, Jack. The least you can do is tell me the truth."
He spoke through his teeth. "I was worried about you."
"There it is," I laughed, stumbling slightly as I circled him. "You can't even admit the real reason you're here."
"I just wanted to-"
"You punch my date,"
"I only meant-"
"Get us kicked out of a club you weren't even invited to,"
"Would you just-"
"And then you have the audacity to kiss me, thinking I'll just come running back to you."
"Christ! Would you just listen to me!"
I flinched under Jack's harsh tone. He's glaring, eyes sharp and jaw clenched as he breathed heavily. He relaxed slightly when I shut my mouth.
"I don't know why I'm here." he says with a sigh. "I could lie and say I was worried about you but I saw you with Brendon and then with that other man and I just..." He trails off.
"You broke things off with me, Jack." I said angrily. "Am I supposed to never kiss anyone else just because you want me to?"
"That's not what I-" He sighed again. "I was being selfish."
"And the kiss? You think you have any right to ask that of me after what you said? I suppose I'm only meant to kiss you or no one else, right?" I spat.
"I didn't mean-"
"Don't you get it?" I shout suddenly, almost laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. I circle around the sidewalk before coming to a stop in front of him, glaring darkly. "You said we couldn't be together and then you show up here and kiss me? What the hell am I supposed to make of that? Tell me Jack!"
"I don't know." he whispered.
"You love me, you hate me. You avoid me like the plague and then you show up here. You kiss me yet say you can't be with me. So you know what? Fuck you, Jack. Fuck you."
"I kissed you because I wanted to." he said. "And I know it's not fair and I know you hate me. I don't know what came over me but I had to get it out."
"What are you talking about?" I demanded, seething with anger.
"I'm leaving."
My blood ran cold in my veins and I spoke shakily, "W-what do you mean?"
"I'm leaving New York." Jack said, stone-faced. "Tonight."
I felt my knees begin to shake as I croaked out, "Why?"
Jack didn't look at me. "I was only meant to stay in New York for three days. I stayed longer because-"
He broke off, finally looking back at me. "Claire has found me work elsewhere. I fly out tonight."
"Where?"
"I can't tell you."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
Jack looks pained. "It's not because I don't want to, believe me. But if you knew where I was-" He shakes his head. "I think it's better we just have some distance right now."
"So that's it then?" I fold my arms over my chest. "What about Milan?"
Jack shook his head. "I'm a talent scout. The company doesn't need me there."
I didn't even know I was shaking until Jack stepped forward, placing his hands on my trembling shoulders. "C'mon, let's go back to the hotel."
Nodding, I leaned against Jack's side as he hailed a passing cab. We climbed in and Jack informed the driver where to take us. Exhausted, I leaned my head against his shoulder.
Jack put his arm around me, whispering, "Just sleep, Troye."
With no energy to argue, I simply closed my eyes and let myself drift off.
It wasn't a long ride from the club to the hotel. Soon enough, Jack is shaking me awake and we're making our way inside the lobby. Thanks to the hotel security, no cameras are in sight to witness my drunken state.
Jack half-carries me into the elevator and down the hallway to our room. Feeling like I had no energy left, I simply let myself be moved without a single word.
Jack places me on my bed and I manage to sit up, staring down at my hands silently as I waited.
Jack appears to wrestle with an inner turmoil. Running a hand through his hair, he says, "I'm going to take a shower."
"Always leaving." I muttered.
I know Jack heard me when he frowns. "Go to sleep, Troye. We can talk in the morning."
"Oh, that would be great but you're leaving, remember?" I stand up shakily, feeling the fury building. "Is this really how you want to walk out?"
"I'm not walking out," Jack says. "I'm doing my job."
"Stop making excuses!" I yelled at him.
Jack's eyes widened as he stared at me in surprise. Sighing, I ran a hand down my face and looked at him honestly.
"I don't understand, and I am sick of running in circles with you. I turned Gabriel down, I went to a bar to forget you and you're still all I can think about. It's exhausting! So please, please, give me one good reason why this can't work." I begged.
"I can't tell you."
"Don't give me that bullshit." I growled.
Jack sighed and looked away. "It's complicated, Troye."
"Damn right it's complicated." I seethed. "And after all this time, you still haven't given me a straight answer."
"That's because there isn't one."
"Stop lying!"
We stood, face to face in our dimly lit hotel room, as if we were the last two people on earth.
"Why can't you just admit you love me?" I whispered.
Jack stared pitifully at me before something in his face changed.
"You want to know why I won't admit it?" he said darkly. "You want to know why I won't say I love you? Because I don't."
It was like a thousand knives cutting into my skin all at once. "What?"
"I said I'd help you fall in love." Jack began to back into the bathroom, a stony expression on his face. "I didn't say with me."
"Jack-"
"I mean it, Troye." Jack said, an icy glare looking back at me. "You're not the only one whose tired. I'm tired of pretending I have feelings for you just so your feelings wouldn't get hurt. But I'm done. Done with the lies. Done with New York. Done with you."
"You don't mean that-"
"Oh, but I do." Jack smiled bitterly, fully emerged in the bathroom now as he went to shut the door. "And if you had half the brain, you'd leave it alone for good. Who knows? Maybe Gabriel will even take you back."
The door slammed shut and this time, I didn't have tears running down my face. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel heartbroken.
I didn't feel anything.
***
When I awoke in the morning, Jack was gone.
And that's when the anger awoke like some awful beast awakening from a long sleep.
***
The rest of our time in New York was a bust. The following Monday our group stood in the airport, checking our bags in and making our way to the gate where we waited for our flight to be called.
I had barely spoken since the night we went to the club. Brendon and Sienna knew about Jack's interference and tried to ask me about it but I refused to answer. After a while, they'd finally taken the hint and given up.
After our club night, there had only been one more rehearsal which only lasted for a few hours. Claire had informed us that no one had been spotted by the media at the club, a fact I was grateful to hear given mine and Jack's very public argument outside.
The morning Jack left, I had awoken and immediately turned my phone off, which is how it had remained until today.
Turning it on as we settled into our seats on the plane, I watched as my notifications lit up but not one had Jack's name. I scoffed and tossed my phone to the side, settling with staring out the window.
Sienna sat next to me on the flight home. She attempted to make conversation but I had no desire to hold a conversation, though it didn't stop her from trying. Given her persistence, I prayed Zac, Sienna's boyfriend back home, knew how lucky he was to have a partner that cared so deeply, even if I couldn't find it in me to engage with her.
Closing my eyes as we took off, I willed myself into slumber. Sleep didn't come easy due to my nausea, but after an hour I was finally able to knock myself out.
Our arrival in Los Angeles was everything I didn't want it to be. Crowded.
At least thirty cameras were waiting for us outside when we arrived. The airport security worked to create a path to our waiting SUV and we moved fast to get out of the spotlight. I was used to the flashing cameras, though it didn't ease my frustration any less.
Sienna squeezed my arm fondly as the SUV pulled up outside my apartment block. "Give me a call if you need anything, okay?" she smiled. "I mean it."
I nodded. "Thankyou."
Wheeling my suitcase behind me, I went upstairs to our apartment. Alone.
As I threw my clothes in the wash and unpacked, my thoughts drifted to Jack once more.
He hadn't given me any details regarding this independent trip of his. He didn't tell me where he was going, how long he would be gone, what he would be doing.
"Typical." I scoffed to myself. To think I spent months dealing with the same situation without even knowing it. Part of me couldn't help but wonder if he'd even come home again.
I knew I wasn't proud of how we'd left things in New York, but my current state of dark anger blocked out any empathy I was capable of right now. The past few months I had felt nothing but despair and anguish. Now I felt nothing but angry and though I wouldn't admit it, I was hurt.
Dinner was a small serving of plain chicken and a handful of vegetables. Leading up to the show, Claire advised all models to consult our dieticians on pre-show meals. I had been doing it for years and didn't need the guidance, but I was too exhausted to argue and simply ate the meals delivered by the company to my doorstep.
It was rare that the apartment only held one person at night. I rarely stayed away overnight and Jack's working hours meant he liked to come home and crash. His absence didn't go unnoticed but I squashed the feeling as soon as it had come.
Climbing into my bed that night, I checked my phone once more. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes when no sight of Jack's name appeared on my screen and I tossed the phone to the side and rolled onto my back.
In all honesty, I didn't know why I was acting like this. It wasn't cold, but I definitely wasn't acting like my usual friendly self.
I guess I was tired. Tired of everything I had been through in the past few months with meeting Gabriel, Fashion Week approaching fast and whatever was going on between Jack and I, which he'd make clear was nothing.
I have never been the type of person to hold a grudge, but this time I felt it was justified. At the end of the day, I just missed my best friend, but being in love didn't seem to be how I remembered it.
***
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