Namjoon's POV
I began typing a sentence of the first paragraph for the research paper before slowly erasing it. I started again with a completely different approach before sighing and erasing it again. I quickly just typed whatever came to mind and read it over, sighing once more.
"You good man?" Hoseok asked.
"No," I said with a dry chuckle. "I think I'm dead on the inside."
"Hmm, I can relate," Hoseok said.
I turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow. "You can?"
He pursed his lips. "Does that surprise you?"
I nodded. "Didn't really think that you're..."
"Going through shit?" Hoseok shrugged. "I'm fine. Just... sometimes I don't feel so good." I moved away from the laptop since I couldn't focus either way.
"Tell me what's on your mind," I said. Hoseok didn't open up much. He wasn't the type to complain about things.
"Well I'm questioning whether I'm a shitty person," he said after a while.
"Why?"
Hoseok was the opposite of that. He was always patient with me, even if I was a jerk to him. He was there for me when I needed a friend and a brother. We'd been friends for so long that he was family. He was one of the best people I knew.
"When someone trusts you, and they tell you all of their problems, you should be there for them right?" Hoseok asked. I stilled by his words. Lately it felt like everything that anyone said was about me. Like the universe was trying to give me a message that I was a being an asshole.
"As a good friend, you should want to help them and you should feel their pain and cheer them up right?" Hoseok put his chin in his hand and sighed. "I feel so bad Namjoon because Jungkook's told me so many things that he's gone through and..."
He shook his head before starting again. "Jungkook's been through a lot. And I've been there for him. But lately... when he tells me things, I just feel so tired of it." I rose an eyebrow and he quickly explained after seeing my expression.
"It's not that I don't care or that I don't like that he feels close enough to tell me. I like that. I love that he finds some comfort in me... but I don't know why I just don't want to hear it. Like I wish that there was nothing to tell. Almost like... like if his own personal pain is an inconvenience to me? Does that make sense?"
I didn't say anything right away, and he continued.
"Like I don't know how to help him. I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wish that I didn't have to wrack my brains to try to cheer him up. I feel like I'm useless at helping him and I don't like that he relies on me because I doubt that I'm doing him any good."
We were both quiet for a moment.
"Do you think that makes me selfish?"
I shook my head. "I think I might understand that actually."
"Tell me how," Hoseok said. "Please say anything that'll make me feel like I'm not the only asshole."
"Well, there's this person who I was always there for. And I wish that he didn't find comfort in me because it's taking a lot from me to try to keep doing that," I said.
Hoseok nodded at my words. "It's like you want to help, but it's emotionally draining," he said.
"Yes," I agreed. "It's taking a toll on me to not be there for him, but I know it might just get worse if I go back to this person."
"So what should we do?" Hoseok asked. "I can't back away from Jungkook. I'm the only person he really has. The only one he's trusted enough. And it's not like I truly want to stop being there. He's like a little brother."
"I don't know," I said after a while. "I guess suck it up? Just let that moment pass?"
He took a deep breath. "Honestly, I think I know that it'll pass and I just need to get through it. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone about it," Hoseok said.
"I'm always here," I said in a softer tone. "I know I'm hostile sometimes or seem busy with things, but you're important to me."
"I worry sometimes that I'll burden people with my problems if I tell them how I'm feeling," Hoseok admitted. "Maybe in a way I just feel like everyone is supposed to deal with things on their own, even though I know that's ridiculous. Everyone needs someone."
"Yea," I said slowly. "I deal with a lot of things by myself too. Sometimes helping others makes me feel better though."
"Me too," Hoseok said. "Maybe that's why even though it's hard, we keep going back to help those who need us."
"Do you think you'd ever actually stop altogether?" I asked. "Just give up completely on Jungkook because it's hard for you."
"I couldn't," he said without hesitation.
I thought back to Tae and his bright smile. I hadn't seen him smile at me like that in so long. "I let him down and it's killing me," I said after a while.
"Then why don't you apologize and be there for him?" He didn't ask who I was talking about and I appreciated him for that.
"Because then that means means... well it means that I'll have to deal with a lot of things that I'm working really hard to avoid." Things like that kiss and the way that I've been mulling over my sexuality for the whole time that I've stayed away from Tae.
"Is he worth it?" Hoseok asked.
Tae's eyes and the way they used to light up when he saw me. The tight hugs that made me feel secure because I had him against me, and could I possibly have to fear if he was right there?
"Yes," I said with a course voice. The memories of Tae were stirring up many emotions.
"Then you're just hurting both you and him," Hoseok said softly.
"Do you think I'm being selfish?" I asked.
"I don't think it's my place to decide that," he said. "I don't know everything that's happened between you two so I can't judge. But I do know that you've looked better and I'm sure that this person has played a big part in that." I nodded in agreement.
Without Tae I had started to feel like there was nothing to really look forward to anymore. The time with Rose felt like I was betraying him and every time that I saw him looking so sad because of me, my heart broke. I'd never felt more pathetic than when he'd messaged to so desperately, asking me to simply be there and I'd ignored him because I was afraid.
"Namjoon, I need advice too," Hoseok said, cutting into the silence between us. "I dont' like the way I've been feeling. I hate that it's getting close to indifference. How can I feel like that towards someone I love?"
"Maybe you need some time for yourself," I said slowly, thinking about my words a lot because I wanted to give him decent advice. "You're there for everyone and you carry their burdens, but no one helps you alleviate them. You're not their counselor and it's not your responsibility as a friend to help them heal."
Hoseok was quiet for a moment. "But..." He sighed. "You're right. I need to stop this. I don't even feel stable enough to take care of myself."
I nodded. "Exactly. You can't do everything for them." I smiled at him and put my hand on his shoulder. "I need you to take care of yourself Hobi, so I can selfishly ask for comfort while you tell me that comforting people is draining you."
Hoseok waved his hand at my words. "No, don't worry, this doesn't stress me out. It's more like, when it's something big. Like... Jungkook asks me for help with his serious problems and I feel like I say the stupidest things and then he thanks me for it. I don't get it. How am I helping him?"
"Maybe you're doing a lot more than you realize with a few words of comfort and you don't need to exert yourself," I said and suddenly I realized that it applied to things with Tae too.
One thing that had stopped me from trying to reach out was the thought that Tae had many people that loved him and would be there for him. Yoongi and Jimin were always by his side and as much as Yoongi bothered me lately, at least I knew that he wouldn't be alone as long as they were there.
I knew that he was surrounded with plenty of people to distract him... but none of them knew about the time we spend together. The things we'd do. Tae had told me that he only felt comfortable enough to tell me. I took away from him something that only I could give. And it might have been a small comfort, but he looked so crushed without it.
The guilt was back with that thought.
I felt so much hesitance to get back in Tae's life after all the damaged that I'd already caused. Wouldn't it be better to let him adjust to life without me?
"You're still thinking about that person?" Hoseok asked. I hadn't noticed that I'd started staring off at the wall in thought.
I nodded.
"I'm probably the only idiot that hasn't caught on," Hoseok said with a chuckle. "But is this about Tae?"
I dreaded answering that, but thankfully I didn't have to.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me," Hoseok said, his face making it clear that my silence was more than enough confirmation. "But all I'm going to say is that you're an idiot and go fucking talk to Tae or our friendship is over."
I raised an eyebrow at him and looked at him with shock. "What?"
"Kidding," he said with a smile. "Kind of. But for real," he said in a much more serious tone. "Don't hurt Tae. He's so adorable and so nice to all of us and I'm tired of seeing him be so sad and now that I know you're the asshole behind it, well, I'm not so politely telling you to man up and talk to him."
"It's not that simple," I said, burying my face in my hands.
"Oh, but it is Namjoon," he said. I could hear a creak as he stood up from the bed and felt him pat my back after walking to me. "You're going to do it right now."
I looked up at him and frowned. "No."
"Yes," he said as he took my hand and pulled me up.
"No," I whined as he dragged me to the door.
"Namjoon, don't be a stubborn ass bitch," he said as he opened it and tried to push me out of the room.
"Hobi, give me a day at least," I said, fighting him and trying to get back inside.
"One day," he said warningly, letting up and allowing me to go back inside his dorm. "Twenty four hours. That's it."
"Alright," I huffed. I sat back down on my chair and glared at him. "I can't believe you're making me do this."
"I can't believe you're making me make you do this," Hoseok said with a disappointed shake of his head.
I didn't say it, but I was glad that he was pushing me to face it once and for all.