December 25th, 2014
AND SO, I was officially a cheater.
It was hard to face on my own, but it was even more difficult to come to terms with, when both my brother and Carter stood, unmoving, and waiting patiently for me to speak.
But honestly, all I could think about was Aiden. Because I just did what I worried he would do to me, something he promised would never happen. Yet, here I am... completely betraying the trust of the boy I had just told I had loved, merely a month ago.
So yeah, it was hard to not feel like a terrible person.
Luke finally breaks the silence, "but what about Aiden?" His voice was small and careful and the expression on his face was one of betrayal, he obviously didn't know what to think.
Frankly, I didn't know either. I acted on pure instinct, if I had thought things through... maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.
But did I regret it?
"Luke," I said, my tone warning, "I'm sorry you saw that, really- I am. That was a mistake." Out of the corner of my eye I see Carter slump but I choose to ignore it. "I'm sorry. Okay?" I'm breathless by the end, barely able to even hear myself speak over the ringing in my ears and the loud thumping of my heartbeat.
How could I ever face Aiden again?
I force myself to look back up and meet Luke's eyes, he wasn't staring at me anymore. Instead, his eyes bore into Carter's giving him the scariest look I had ever personally witnessed Luke wear.
Carter, who finally must have come to the realization of his actions and the awkward situation we were all three currently stuck in, shoved his hand out to introduce himself to Luke. "Hey man," he said awkwardly, "I'm Carter, sorry we had to meet under um... these-" he stifled out a cough, "circumstances."
Luke's jaw locks as the cupcake in his palm continues to be aggressively squished, it's frosting remnants falling onto the hardwood floor in a mess.
"Luke," I say tentatively, "can you please, please, leave us alone for a minute."
"Are you crazy!" Luke yells, causing Carter to widen his eyes nervously and look behind him. We didn't need any other spectators for this conversation.
"Luke," I hiss, "keep your voice down!"
He ignores me and shakes his head, sporting a disapproving look, "my own sister. A cheater."
I feel my heart sink at his words, even though I knew he was right.
"Luke, leave," I say in a tone that conveyed all my conviction and anger. I see Luke's eyes dart nervously, he knew I was serious.
"Fine," he says finally, "leaving."
I shake my head and close my eyes, before letting out a hard breath as Luke finally turns to walk away.
"Fuck." I hear Carter curse from a few feet behind me.
"Fuck!" He curses once again as I turn to meet his eyes.
He runs a hand through his hair messily before meeting my eyes. I could tell he was upset from the painstaking regret that layered his eyes. Causing my heart to break in a million pieces as I realized that his expression transformed into one of disappointment. I swallow back my tears and ignore the burning in my chest and finally speak.
"I'm sorry," I say, lifting my shoulders to fix my posture into one of complete composure, "that was my fault."
Carter furrows his eyebrows in confusion, "your fault?" he almost hisses, "your fault? Wow Kennedy, for a smart girl sometimes you can be so incredibly dense," he says with a dark laugh.
I take a breath, attempting to forget the fact that he just called me stupid and struggle to meet his eyes. "I should have stopped it, that was my responsibility, not yours." I say, unconsciously playing with the bracelet Carter had slipped onto my wrist mere minutes ago.
"I shouldn't have kissed you." Carter says, his eyebrows furrowed with anger.
I take a shaky breath as I swallow the lump in my throat, unable to ignore the tears that threatened to poor down the corner of my eyes.
"So," I say, "it was a mistake." I meant for it to come out calm and collected, but I was sure that we could both hear the shakiness behind my words.
Carter looked away sharply before sitting down on the sofa behind him. His fingers brushed through his hair quickly before he began to rub his forehead with a sigh, "when are you going to realize, Kennedy?" He says with a whisper.
I shake my head, I hated it when he spoke cryptically, "what, Carter? What don't I realize?" I say with a roll of my eyes and a bite to my tone.
"None of this is a mistake to me," his blue eyes connect with mine, "if anything, the only mistake I ever made, was not kissing you breathless the day I met you."
"Carter," I warn, "we can't get into this again," I say, ignoring the flutter in my chest.
"Again?" Carter says coldly, "we never got into it in the first place."
I roll my eyes, "none of that matters now. I have a boyfriend, Carter."
It was now his turn to roll his eyes, "you think I don't know that Kennedy? You think that I've simply turned a blind eye to the fact that you're in a relationship?" His voice was bitter and harsh, different from his usual gentle tone.
I step back and cross my arms, "then why?" I ask, feeling the seriousness of the situation continue to seep over me, "why did you have to-"
Carter's chest heaves in anger as he interrupts me. "I've tried Kennedy. I've tried so hard to forget about you. Hell, I didn't even know you for that long but somehow I could never get you out of my brain. I tried to stay away because I knew that you were in love with Aiden."
"Then why?" I ask once again, "why didn't you stay away?" The words feel harsh coming out of my mouth but I could stop myself from thinking that if Carter had simply left me alone then this wouldn't be happening.
"Because," Carter says, "because I know that you feel something for me, Kennedy. Don't try and pretend that I'm the only one that feels this way. You kissed me back. I know that you wanted to kiss me just as much as I wanted to. You use Aiden as an excuse to justify your feelings, but you like me, and he can't stop that."
"I made a commitment, Carter," I say with a hiss, "I chose Aiden, okay? I choose him."
Carter stands back up, shaking his head in anger, "I don't believe that for a second."
All of my sadness dissipates as I feel pure anger and hatred shoot through my veins, "believe whatever the hell you want, Carter. But at the end of the day, we won't be anything more, I choose Aiden... I love Aiden."
Carter steps closer to me, his eyes never leaving mine, "tell me," he says, passion lacing his words completely, "tell me that when I touch you," he places a hand on the small of my back and traces small circles, "you don't feel anything."
I ignore the electricity shooting through my veins from his touch and the way his fingers practically burn a hole in my spine, "I-" I start, cursing myself from my pathetic stutter.
"Tell me," he continues, "that when you look at my lips, you don't want to kiss me," he runs his tongue across his lips quickly before looking down at mine.
"I don't, it was a mistake-" I attempt to speak but am interrupted, once again, by Carter's words.
"Tell me that when I kissed you, all you could think about was Aiden."
I take in a deep breath through my nose as he pulls me closer to him, "tell me that you don't want to be with me... and I'll stop all this, I promise. We can go on with our lives and I won't ever try to make a move again. If you can tell me that, in all seriousness- I'll leave you alone."
I chew on my lip nervously, debating my answer carefully. Desperately wondering if I should listen to my brain... or to my heart. "We really shouldn't be doing this right now," I mumble, attempting to distract us both.
"Tell me, Kennedy," he pleads, placing another hand on my hip.
I couldn't think straight.
I had no idea how it had gotten to this point. When had it become a decision between Carter and Aiden?
"Carter," I whisper, "please."
"So he's more important to you," Carter says bitterly.
"I'm in a relationship with him, am I all of the sudden supposed to put you before him? To consider your feelings the most when I just cheated on my boyfriend of five months and my best friend of six years?" I say, feeling a sharp pain in my heart as I imagine the feeling of betrayal that Aiden would experience if he knew what I just did.
"So that's your final answer?" He asks, "you choose Aiden?"
I let out a heavy breath and open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. How was I supposed to make a decision right now? Why did Carter expect so much from me when we had barely just reconnected?
"I don't know what you want me to say," I finally whisper.
"I just want to know that I'm not in this alone, that I'm not pinning after a girl that will never choose me."
"Carter," I say softly, "I'm in a relationship. I need to figure things out with Aiden before I-"
"Okay." Carter says decisively, "okay, thank you." He says as he starts to get up and grab his things.
"Carter," I say, "wait- I don't want you to leave like this. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to tell you."
"It's fine," he says, "it's obvious how you feel. I've been kidding myself this entire time. I'll leave you alone from now on."
"Stop. Don't do that," I practically plead as he starts to walk away. "Carter!" I yell, as he continues to ignore me. "Carter!" I try once again.
He finally turns back around, "merry Christmas, Kennedy. I hope you find whatever you're looking for." And with that, he rounds the corner and disappears.