( I literally just wrote this right now I barely edited it... can you tell im going through some shit? Lol)
Your head throbbed, as pain painted inside of your skull. You felt it smear on the inside of your bones, your nerve endings going up in flames.
You grabbed your hair, pulling on it, squeezing your eyes shut, causing those small little white sparkles in your black vision.
You gritted your teeth, crying out in pain.
God your fucking head hurt
It hurt so much
You laid on the couch, the tv was shut off but you still heard it. Whispers in your ears that sent even more pain all over your skin and down your spine.
Your baby kicked, and it added to the headache, if not caused it.
"Just leave me alone!" You cried out, feeling frustrated tears come out.
It still kicked. you felt it.. thump your insides and pound against your stomach.
"I hate you!" You screamed. "I hate you! I wish i never let that idoit talk me into this"
You cried out... strangely feeling better.. but still angry... your head still pounding, screaming at you. You panted... and you shook. You didn't know what was going on... and you never felt so alone..
It kicked and moved, like it was struggling to get out.
You screamed again, ripping your vocal cords making you cough and choke.
"Im so stupid! So very stupid! I hate you and i hate myself and i hate toby!" You screeched, flinging yourself up, gripping your hair, ripping some out as you dragged your nails down your scalp, ripping into your temples, your nails scraping down your face.
You felt the warm beads of blood rush down your cheeks.
You panted... and sobbed. You felt your lungs tightened and you wheezed.
"Why did he leave me here... why am i so leaveable?!" You yelled out to the empty house. "Why does everyone leave me?! Am i that hard to love?!"
You pounded your fists on the couch and cried...
You cried and cried... your tears leaving burning streaks down your face... spit and snot driping to your chin but you didnt care
This was an ugly cry.. for an ugly life... an ugly situation and for your ugly self..
"Why couldn't he just abandon me...? Why did he have to leave me alone... why did he leave me here... and i suppose to die here..?"
You sobbed out at a more normal vomlume... enough for it to echo... enough for maybe god to hear...
Your heart pounded... and a million thoughts ran around in your head...
"Does mom even miss me..?" You thought outloud...
You never dared to ask about that question... because the scenarios you made in your head left you weak and it made your heart break...
"Does she even know im gone...?"
And just like that you could have swore you smelled it. The faint scent of her cigarette smoke... and the smell of her perfume..
You thought for a moment, of the last conversation you had with her.
You had just gotten home from school, you got home later than usual, stopping to get some after school tutoring for a big test coming up...
You laughed, a dry sarcastic laugh...
You never even took that test
It was on Friday, you were kidnapped on Wednesday.
What a waste of time..
She was already home.. her car was in the driveway... and you were actually pretty excited. This was the first time in a while that she was home before you... maybe you guys would get to talk on the way to your room.
Maybe you could ask her how her day was...
Maybe she would ask you about yours...
You didn't remember the last deep conversation you had with her... in fact... you didn't even remember if you guys had even spoken that week.
You get up before her to get ready for school, she got home late and usually went straight to her room.
You walked through the kitchen door, your heart pounded with excitement.. finally... maybe this was your chance to become.. friendly with each other...
You walked towards the living room... holding on to the frame of the walk way.
She was sitting on the couch, her purse next to her, cigarette in her hand, the smoke bellowing as she sat in the darkness, the tv light illuminating her face...
Her face... you didn't even remember what she looked like...
What was her eye color...? Was it the same as yours...? Was it brown? Blue? Green? You couldn't remember if you tried..
What did her hair look like? Was it short? Long? Did she wear it down? Did she wear it up...? What color was it
You had no memory... only a slight silhouette in the darkness... just something for the light to bounce off of...
"Hey mom..." you mumbled out.. but she didn't look at you.. she didn't turn her attention from the tv.. "um... how was work today..?"
Nothing, not even a glance...
"Um... mom..?" You dared to ask, speaking a little louder this time...
In response she breathed out loudly, sucking in air. She sighed and muted the tv.. finally turning her attention towards you.
"Yes.. y/n..?"
"I.. um.. i noticed you home early.. uh... how was work today..?"
"It was good." She turned her attention back and you felt a slight pang in your chest.
"Well.. what did you do..? Why are you home early..?"
"I worked... what did you think i did?"
"Oh.. that sounds-"
"Do you need something..? Need me to sign something? Did you get in trouble? What do you want?"
That took you back a bit, but at least the conversation was going somewhere.
"What? No nothing.. i just wanted to talk to you.. i saw that you were home early so i just thought-"
Another loud sigh cut you off.
"Can we talk later..? Im tired i don't wanna talk unless you need something.. can't you see im watching something here? I just got home a little while ago i want to relax."
That hurt... but you didn't know why.
Shouldn't you be use to this by now?
"Uh yeah.. sure.. i guess ill see you tomorrow" you said quietly but quickly and you quickly walked past her and down towards the stairs.
You gripped the stair case as your hauled yourself up the first few steps, the tvs sound returning behind you..
You continued to climb up the stairs... feeling embarrassed....
Why would she wanna talk to you... want were you thinking? She was tired you knew that...
You sighed... and tears came to your eyes...
That was the last time you ever talked to your mom. Tuesday night, 7:45 pm.
You wiped your eyes as you thought of the memory... it was stupid but you missed her.. and you needed her at a time like this... even when she was in your life.. she never was there for you for all the other times you felt like this..
Tears poured down your face and it really really hurt to think that was the last words you ever said to your mother...
"Ill see you tomorrow.."
Not
" i love you" or even "good night"
"Ill see you tomorrow..."
Did she even care that you were gone..?
Did she ever think of you after that..?
Did she even miss you..?
Did toby miss you?
You shakily sighed and rubbed your eyes. Sucking all the snot back into your nose.
Did they even care..?
Was this how you were supposed to live?
Alone?
Even when you were into society.. you really didn't have any friends.
You had two or three...
a few that you ate lunch with..
sometimes you did actives with them during school and occasionally after...
did they miss you too?
Did they think of you?
Did they forget you?
Did everyone forget you?
Why were you still here? What was the point of this all?
You felt another kick. A faint one..
You know its funny... the only human to ever acknowledge you.. and to stay with you.. was trapped inside you...
It made you laugh a little..
"Looks like you can't leave me though.." you mumbled out.. "and that you always want my attention.."
You smiled a bit.. at that wonderfully foreign thought..
"Im sorry i told you i hated you... i dont hate you.." you rubbed your stomach... and you could swear you could feel them against you. "I just hate being alone..."
You rubbed your stomach... and just sat there... staring off into nothing.
....
You woke up to someone banging on the door. It didn't scare you this time.. it excited you... someone was finally here!
You leapt off the couch and ran to the kitchen door almost slipping in the process.
You swang it open, revilling a probably disinterest masky carrying groceries.
"Oh look your still alive! I brought you your shit" he pushed past you, setting his stuff on the table. "Alright its all here.. even know i was just here last week and i doubt you ate all the food from that but whatever here you go, see you later"
He turned to leave and you blocked the door.
"Hey tim... how was your day?" You asked, out of character from your reserved self.
"Uh.. why do you care?" He asked confused
"Oh um i thought you maybe wanted to tell me about it"
"What? Why? What are you talking about? Are you high? Drug use is bad for the baby you weirdo"
"Im not high!" You yelled a little offended "i just care about you!"
God it was like talking to your mother.
"When did you start caring?" He asked disinterested.
You looked at him confused and a little disheartened.
"Since you hugged me... i thought we became friends..." you admitted.
He sighed and rubbed his mask..
"Are you sure you're not on drugs?"
"Yes! Where would i get drugs from?!" You yelled slightly your hormones giving you courage.
"Alright whatever fine. My day was fine i guess, what about yours.?"
"It was interesting.."
"Alright, thats nice. Are we done here now?"
"Um.. do you wanna watch some tv with me?" You asked recluently.... you wished you would have asked mom that.. maybe she would have said yes.
"No, i have work to do"
"Please? For 15 minutes?"
"No"
"Why not..." you whinned... hoping to god he would say yes.
"Because i don't want to and i have work to do"
"Come on.. it won't take long... and i have friends.. its a good show i don't know if you've ever seen it.."
"No! I gotta get going."
"Please..." you whinned feeling tears well up in your eyes.
"No, and stop crying."
"Tim.. im really lonely..." you admitted. "Im lonely, im sad and i need a friend.. i really need to you watch tv with me.."
"No, its not my fault you're any of those things and I'm not your friend.. i really have to get going so if you would mind...
"Tim... please.. come sit on the couch with me" you grabbed his hand. "Toby.. said you have to take care of me right..? So you would be doing your job..?"
"Look, its not my fault toby just left you here, its my job to keep you alive and that includes bringing food and water not dicking around watching tv.."
"You're supposed to keep me alive... and if you leave.. i might die from loneliness..."
He sighed.
"You have to be fucking joking right..."
" i am not..." you stared at him, smiling squeezing his hand.
"Fine, i will watch tv with you, but you have 15 minutes and you sit at the end of the couch.."
"Yes!" You shouted out, gripping his hand tightly. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
You hugged him tightly and he rasied his arms up in defense.
"No hugging!" He shouted out "your 15 minutes starts now hurry up"
You let go and grabbed his hand, pulling him into the dim living room. He quickly got out of your grip and sat down begrudgingly.
You turned on one of your favorite episodes and sat down on the other side of the couch.
"So im not sure if you ever watched this show before.. but ross and rachel... those two characters there" you pointed to the screen "they were dating and then they broke up for a while so ross-"
"I know the story! come on lets get this over with.."
"Uh... ok.." you looked at him and pressed play on the remote.
....
"We were on a break!" The laugh track qued and all the charaters on screen froze slightly.
You scooted next to tim, who didn't really seem to mind. He was sitting there... chin on his palm, watching the screen...
You scooted closer, as your heart pounded. He still didn't notice... in fact.. you think he was asleep.. it was hard to tell with his mask and all.
You scooted closer.. almost touching him. You placed your hand on his shoulder. He just sat there, motionless, a small sore comming from his mask.
So you moved closer.. until you sat right next to him. You leaned you head on his shoulder... and you wrapped your arms around him.. laying on him. You proped your legs on the couch and continued to watch tv... it was just like toby was there and it felt nice...
It felt really good to be here with someone...
....
Hours later you still laid there... slowly falling asleep to the founds of another friends episode...
You had finally fallen asleep when tim woke up, scaring you awake in the process.
"Ah! What the hell are you doing?!"
You breathed in quickly rubbing the sleep from your eyes..
"Watching tv.."
"I told you to stay on the otherside of the couch! What are you trying to do?!"
" i wasnt trying to do anything! I was just laying on you!"
"Are you trying to seduce me? Are you that fucked up in the head?!"
"What?! No! I was just resting my head on you!"
"God you're a fucking weirdo i can't believe i let you trick me into doing this!" He screamed at you
" i-i didnt do anything! I didn't" you yelled back starting to cry again
"What if toby saw us like that? Did you ever think he may not like that? That we may actually get in a real fight because of your half brain shenanigans!"
"Hes not even here and we weren't doing anything! I don't know why you're mad!"
"Im mad because i have to look after you! Because you cry all the fucking time! Because im tired of all of this! You are really annoying you know that? Im sick of this im sick of-"
You had heard enough and you were starting to shut down. He reminded you so much of your mom. How she made you seem like a burden. How it was a burden giving birth to you. How it was a burden that you were still there. How your life itself was a burden to everyone.
You started sobbing. Loud painful sobs and you held your head in your hands, gripping onto your hair.
"Im sorry.." you whinned out "im sorry you're stuck with me... im sorry i exist.. i know i shouldn't be here... i shouldn't be alive..."
It was all coming out now..
" im sorry that im here... im sorry that im too stupid to escape... im sorry! im sorry! im sorry..." you cried out in pain. Snot and tears running off your face.
"Im sorry i was born... im sorry i ruined my moms life... im sorry i made you watch tv with me... im sorry..." you paunted and hiccuped.. "you don't have to come back... im sorry i burdened you.. im sorry i took toby away..."
You cried and cried
"Im sorry im pregnant and im sorry that this kid even exists.. god can you imagine living with me?! Im a sorry excuse for a human!" You cried out, panting, hiccuping.. panicking.
You panted... feeling like there wasn't enough oxygen in the world... you gagged choking on your own sadness
And tim did the unthinkable.. he hugged you. He wrapped his arms under yours and he pulled you into a tight embrace.
Filled with so much love
So much patience..
So much care..
He squeezed you and you panted and hiccuped...
You squeezeed him back... and continued sobbing..
"Im sorry..." you whispered.. resting your cheat on his shoulder..
" i know.. im sorry too... you're not a burden..." you whispered and his voice was sweeter than honey. "Im sorry... you are my friend.. i shouldn't have said that to you..."
You sniffled... and squeezed him harder...
"We can watch the rest of these episodes tonight... and ill bring you some new dvds tomorrow... Alright.. come on now.. stop crying... its not good for the baby.."
You nodded and you both let go.. resuming to your spot on the couch..
He took the remote from you... and hit play.
And you two stayed like that the whole night, the tv playing episode after episode...