*****Hiya! Thanks for sticking around! Just FYI—there are 33 chapters, plus 2 epilogues (lol it will make sense when you get there), so 6 chapters after this. I'll probably upload the epilogues on the same day. So we're winding down a little bit! I hope you guys have liked it, and thank you for all the comments and encouragement. I've had to stop replying to every single one, but I still read them, I promise! So keep talking to me, I love it :) *****
EMBER—
It was nearly a full day before Al'iya let me and Sage into the room off of her workroom she used for patients. Sage refused to look at me, and anytime I tried to pull him away from the doorway of Al'iya's workshop, to sleep or get something to eat, I was met with a glare and a nearly visceral anger.
He wanted to hurt me, and was held back by sheer willpower.
I couldn't blame him.
We slept across the hall from each other, because when I tried to pull him into my arms he nearly punched me to get me to back away. But I refused to leave him, and he refused to leave Llyric, so I was stuck sleeping on the floor of the kitchen.
When Al'iya finally told us we could go in to see Llyric, although he hadn't yet woken, I could tell Sage wanted to argue and keep me out, but he was probably too tired and broken to argue. So he simply moved into the room with me fast on his heels.
Sage walked to the little cot where Llyric lay, pale as death, bandages up both forearms, his eyelids and under his eyes so dark purple they were nearly black. The moment Sage gently lifted Llyric's hand into his own, Llyric's body twitched and his eyes opened.
He glanced around the room, confused, dazed, bleary from whatever Al'iya had pumped into him. Then his eyes fell on me in the doorway, moved to Sage at his side, and his face dropped into a crumpled mask as he fell into sobs.
"No!" he wailed, jerking his head back. He would have yanked his hand from Sage's, but he was far too weak. As his cries rose in volume, his legs jerking as he slammed his head back into the pillow behind him, over and over again, Sage stood and cried silently above him, his big hand over his mouth to quiet his own sobs. He kept the other clutched around Llyric's twitching hand, holding it gently but firmly, so the younger man didn't flay it from his grip. I stood dazed, completely unsure what to do.
"No!" Llyric moaned, just as Al'iya pushed past me and quickly, efficiently stuck a small, coated needle into Llyric's thigh. His sobs immediately began to hiccup, and when he spoke, his words were slurred.
"Why? Why couldn't... you... let me... go?"
The first time he really spoke more than a word at a time should have been a joyful moment, but his words asking us why we hadn't let him die tore my heart to shreds.
Gods, how had I possibly thought those horrible things about this man? This precious man who had nearly ended his life in fear of his past. For fear we would do exactly what I had done? Because he had been afraid that the men he'd so sweetly submitted his body and heart to would reject and revile him for something he had no control over. Something he had suffered horribly every day his entire life for.
I felt sick, staring at him as his body began to still under the effects of the drug. When his hand fell limp and his eyes glazed over, still awake but catatonic, Sage turned to me with fire in his eyes. He charged, grabbing my tunic and slamming me back against the wall. My head smacked against the wood and I grunted at the pain.
It was nothing to the anguish in my chest and belly.
"Are you happy now?" Sage bellowed right up against my face, his skin red with rage. His eyes were still filled with tears, his cheeks wet with what he had let fall.
"Of course I'm not happy!" I shouted, shoving him back. He stumbled but didn't attack me again. "One of my mates is fucking broken, and the other hates me! What makes you think that would make me happy!?"
As if he had nothing else to hold onto, Sage's face fell and he tipped forward, falling into my arms and sobbing into my shoulder. I kissed his neck, my hands running up and down his back to try to soothe his sobs. I glanced back at Llyric, who was watching us with a dazed, confused look and tears leaking from his eyes back into his hair.
"I'm sorry," I said softly as I met Llyric's eyes, hoping he understood I spoke to both of them. "I never should have said those things. Llyric is innocent in all this— as much as those children. As much as his mother. I judged too quickly and let my gut reaction control me. I only pray it's not too late."
"Not... too late, Ember," Llyric whispered, his voice hoarse with disuse and slurred with the herbs Al'iya had given him to calm him down. Sage stiffened and pulled away from me, turning back to Llyric. Al'iya moved silently around me, making her way back out of the room and leaving us to our privacy.
Sage stepped hesitantly to the bed, his tears still falling as he knelt by the side of the cot and took Llyric's hand into his once again. I saw the younger man squeeze Sage's fingers, though it was barely a twitch of movement.
I moved to his other side and took his other hand, and Llyric's drugged eyes met mine. I could see his shame and the apology in his eyes, but I shushed him and shook my head.
"You're mine," I said fiercely. "You're my mate. You never were his in any way. You're mine, and you're Sage's, and you are your mother's son. But you are. Not. His. Do you understand me?"
Llyric sobbed and nodded in the tiniest movement before his eyes fluttered. I kissed his forehead and whispered against his skin. "Don't you ever try to leave me again, little mate."
Llyric shrugged, and I pulled back as Sage moved in to gently kiss his lips.
"I don't know... how to live," he mumbled, his words bleary and slurred and mumbled so badly I could barely understand him. "I know only... how to suffer, and survive, and... hope for a future... where I'll be left alone... to die. I just wanted to... die like my mama."
"You know how to live, my sweet mate," I replied. "You've been doing it for weeks. You love, and you laugh, and you hold your mates close. That's all you need to do."
SAGE—
Though I was still angry— furious— at him, I let Ember pull me from the room when Llyric passed out again. I wanted to stay, but I knew I needed food and rest so I could be strong for him.
Without a word, Ember led me back to his room, undressed me, then himself, and pushed me back into the bed. He pulled the blankets over us, wrapped his arms around me, his legs entangling with mine, and I lay my head against his chest. I relaxed into the steady rise and fall of his broad chest, and the way his heart beat firmly against my ear.
"I'm sorry," he whispered against the top of my head.
I prayed I could find it in me to forgive him, because in that moment, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive the moment I'd realized I couldn't count on him to stand beside me. I didn't know if I could forgive the thoughts I'd had— the ones outlining an escape for me and Llyric, running from the man I'd trusted my heart to.
I didn't know if I had it in me to forgive and forget that he had so utterly snapped my trust in him into so many pieces, I'd never be able to put them all back together again.
For the next two weeks, Ember and I tiptoed around each other, sleeping with our arms and bodies entangled, but otherwise acting like polite strangers. We were together and strong for Llyric, who healed far too slowly. His will, Al'iya told us, as well as his lack of proper nutrition, were factors in his slow progress.
I realized then that he hadn't eaten for this very reason. His lack of appetite, his clinginess, his desperation— all of it— was in preparation for him ending his life. Gods above, how long had he planned to leave me?
Ember wanted to take him back to his room the next day after Llyric woke, but Al'iya refused to let him leave her sight. Her suite was connected to the workroom, and thus to the patient room Llyric slept in, and she checked on him multiple times a night.
I spent my days in a little chair by his side, holding his hand as he rested, helping him eat what Al'iya brought to us. I told him stories of the gods, myths and legends of great El'kahrian heroes. I even told him the story of Queen Hestiel, who had taken justice into her own hands and committed patricide for the sake of her family and her people. I read him stories from books I found in El'kahrian in Ember's study, although there were only a few.
The next time I went to get more, the books had doubled. And the time after that, there were more again. I wasn't sure where he was getting them, but I was glad Ember had provided for Llyric in such a simple, sweet way.
Ember spent as much time as he could with us, and even read us a few Akaran myths and stories, translating as he read, but his duties pulled him away more often than not. I was grateful for him trying to be there for Llyric, but there was resentment there too.
Your broken man is more important than anything else your tribe may need, I wanted to tell him. But our cracked relationship was still trying to heal, and I didn't want to push him away. I wasn't sure yet if I could go back to the relationship we'd been building, the three of us, but I also knew I wanted to. Gods, I'd had a week of bliss and I wanted that back, even if it meant fighting past all of the deep, dark emotions I felt anytime I even heard mention of Ember.
Not when I still flinched when I thought of the way he had reacted to learning of Llyric's heritage. Of the utter betrayal I didn't know if I could risk feeling again. I didn't know if I could ever trust him, if Llyric and I were so easily thrown aside, fucking disposable, as he had proved when he had so readily condemned the boy to death.
After his words when he woke, Llyric was quiet, but he began to speak a little. He would sing sometimes, lyrics from poems I read to him, or his own made up lyrics in Akari or El'kahrian. He would say please and thank you, in El'kahrian or Akari, and he answered Al'iya's questions about his health when she checked on him in short sentences and clipped words.
Maybe it was a sign he was healing, in more than the physical. Maybe he would allow himself to stay with us, and this was his way of telling us.