"Even when the light begins to fade, I'll wait for you. I'm so desperate calling out your name. Meet me in this broken place." – Ashes Remain, "Without You"
Day 1,340
I can't stop the world from turning. I know that now. That doesn't mean I wouldn't have tried harder if Ellie had asked. Nearly everything I did since the day I met her was for her. One day that hurt more than I expected it to was the day Ellie left for Oregon. She always wanted to see Portland, and there was a sense of irony that that's the last place she'd end up.
I knew my time with Ellie was limited and as much as it hurt to know losing her was inevitable, I buried most of it and went on with our lives. Of course, that was per Ellie's request. She didn't want our dynamic to change just because we knew what was coming. She was adamant that we keep smiling up until the very end.
I snuck up behind Ellie as she packed the last of her boxes. I wrapped my arms around her frail torso and she jolted at first, initially startled, before she relaxed into me. I lifted my hand and slid the piece of clothing off of her right shoulder to reveal the recently healed ink on her skin. I lightly brushed my thumb over the small, black word then lowered my lips to Ellie's neck, gently leaving an invisible trail.
I felt Ellie's goose bumps rise under my fingertips before she swiftly pivoted herself around to face me. "Stop," she playfully whimpered. I pouted in return, and she kissed me lightly, pulling a grin from my lips. I leaned into her, but she pulled away at the sound of a knock on her door.
"Sorry to interrupt," Logan Spencer stood in the doorway. Her smile was soft and kind, but her electric blue eyes were desperate and in pain. "I just wanted to let you guys know that Anne and I finished packing the truck up. We're just waiting for the last couple boxes up here." Logan's voice was shaky and fragile. At a glance, it seemed like she was the one who was sick, not Ellie.
Logan was still broken from losing her girlfriend, Emily, four years ago. Most of the time she hid it well, but there were moments when I swore I could see the memories flooding back to Logan. Even though Logan had found someone new and fallen in love, the mark Emily left was evident. My heart still goes out to Logan and as much as I want to be selfish when it comes to Ellie, I know I have no right to be. Seeing Logan move on while still keeping a place for Emily is equally painful and beautiful.
Ellie tried comparing herself to Emily once. Only once. She looked at me, holding back too much, and told me to be open to moving on once she was gone. I shot that thought down as soon as it escaped her. I know that no matter what happens in the future, even if by some miracle I meet someone who sweeps me off my feet, there will never be another Ellie. Everyone from now on has to compete with the standard she set. Everyone has to live up to legacy she left by loving me. No matter who I meet for the rest of my life, no one will ever make me feel the way Ellie did. No one will make me smile as hard. No one will take my breath away the same. No one will ever make me as happy. No one will ever compete. Anyone there's potential with will have to face the harsh reality that they're being compared to the love of my life. No one will ever be Ellie Longo.
"We're almost done," Ellie's voice broke my train of thoughts. "Thank you, Logan." She sent Logan the most genuine of smiles and I absentmindedly pulled her closer to me, snaking my arms to hold her tighter. Logan nodded and left Ellie and me alone. I kissed her cheek repeatedly, eliciting a chuckle from Ellie. She playfully hit me, but didn't pull away. "Stop," she demanded through chuckles, "we need to finishing packing."
I resisted her attempt to push me away before she shoved my face away with another laugh. I repeatedly made attempts to touch her and pull her closer to me, but she slapped away every movement I made while still managing to pack the last of her things.
As soon as she taped the last box, I leapt to it and refused her request to carry the box herself. She was fully capable of doing so, sure, but I made sure to help in any way I could. I wanted to do everything for her whenever I got a chance - especially because she used to refuse help from everyone. Ellie had an unfortunate devil on her shoulder telling her she was a burden to those who loved her. That little devil couldn't have been more wrong.
Ellie followed my lead down to the truck. As soon as the box left my hand and slid into the back of the truck, I slid myself closer to Ellie. She had a gravitational pull on me that everyone seemed to notice. There were moments when it nearly physically hurt me to be too far away from her. There's a fine line between being in love and having an unhealthy obsession, and I danced that fine line quite frequently when it came to Ellie. What often decides the difference between the two is mutual feelings, and I thank every universal being for Ellie's affinity to me. I still don't know what she saw in me, but whatever it was I'm glad she did.
Logan closed and locked up the truck, and I felt Ellie's arms loop around me. I grinned, as I always did when she was near, and wrapped my arm around her shoulders in return, pulling her into me. Ellie tilted her head and left a lingering kiss on my shoulder, and I kissed her forehead to return the gesture.
"Blue bays," she mumbled into my shoulder. I cocked my head back, sending her a questioning look. She chuckled, repeating herself, "Two days."
I nodded with clarity. "Two days," I repeated to her. She stared at me and I hesitated, the butterflies in my stomach preventing me to move. Even after four years, she gave me butterflies. Just thinking about kissing Ellie makes my stomach do flips. I leaned forward, sliding my hand to her cheek and pulling her closer to me. She gave into the kiss and I resisted her attempt to pull away.
I had forgotten that Logan was still nearby until her voice interrupted. "It's disgusting how much you two love each other," she paused and scoffed lightly before mumbling, "makes me miss Cameron." Logan shoved her hands into her sweatshirt, searching for warmth in the January air.
Logan and Cameron "Cammie" Bailey were in a long distance flirtationship. They hadn't made it official, but they were in love just the same. I've only met Cammie a handful of times, but I was more focused on Ellie in those moments than I was on Logan's partner. It's nothing against Cammie in anyway. She's a very polite woman who brings out the soft side of Logan that no one else seems to be able to do, but she was shy and timid in those moments. Granted, I wasn't much better at socializing and often hid behind Ellie's outgoing personality. I have a feeling Cammie occasionally did the same, but that could be me projecting an image of myself onto her.
"She left two days ago to go back to school. You're sulking already?" Ellie teased Logan.
"Okay," Logan held her hands up in defense. "First of all," her eyebrow cocked at Ellie, "you two were just sulking over the fact that you'll be apart for two days. And second of all, yes. Yes I am sulking already." Logan exaggerated a pout and dramatically crossed her arms over her chest.
"Time is relative," I argued back to Logan, "your two days are more than valid. However, our two days are longer than yours."
Logan squinted at me for a moment. I felt Ellie's hand grip onto my clothing a little harder and I resisted the smile that played at the corner of my lips. A moment or two passed before the urge to smile disappeared and I began to wonder what Ellie was holding onto me for. It's possible she was trying to slow down those two days, as if the tighter she held onto me the longer we'd have together. Logan's face relaxed as if she had finally processed what I said and given up on her arguments against me.
We went to eat before Ellie and Anne left for Oregon. Logan was choking back every emotion she could throughout the entire meal. That was the last meal Logan and Ellie shared. It was the last moment they had in person together. Logan knew those were the last moments she had with Ellie. She knew that was goodbye. At least, at the time that was goodbye. She didn't know she'd see Ellie again, and it showed. I'd never seen anyone clench their jaw more within a two hour period than Logan during that meal.
I felt for Logan. I obviously still do. She had to watch people she cared about most in the world die on multiple occasions. The worst part is she hasn't even reached her 20th birthday yet. Maybe there's more I can do for Logan – more ways I can be there for her. None of us are suffering alone after losing Ellie. Everyone Ellie came into contact with couldn't help but love her.
Logan and Ellie shared a hug that lingered with a sting after they pulled away from one another. Logan hugged Anne even tighter, the both of them finding comfort in each other. Ellie pulled me into an embrace and whispered into me, "Just two days."
"Two days," I repeated back to her. I'd see her again in two days once I flew out to Oregon to join her.
Logan finally released a tear once Anne and Ellie drove away, leaving for the airport. The movers would meet them in a few days and by then, I'd be there to help Ellie unpack her entire life from cardboard boxes into her last temporary home.
As Ellie drove away, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of anger brew inside me at the sense of reality hitting me. I was losing her and it felt more real than ever in that moment. Logan Spencer and I stood side-by-side, tears escaping both of us for different reasons over the same person.
"Call Cammie," I muttered through my long, slowed breaths. Logan cocked an eyebrow at me, wiping her cheek. "Take advantage of every moment you can with her." I didn't have to explain myself any further.
Logan understood my words and their richer meanings. She nodded, "I will. I always will."
Anger and sadness create the weirdest of mixtures that I can't begin to express in simple terms. Knowing I was losing Ellie created the most painful black hole within me. The more I thought about losing her, the more painful it was. Time, being our biggest obstacle, hurt me the most whenever I'd think about it. I wish I would have known how our story was going to end. I wish our beginning had been earlier. I wish I would've convinced Ellie to be there earlier – to be with me earlier.
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Chapter song: "Without You" by Ashes Remain
Until next time,
Aiden :)